Sunday Blog and a Pats Win 13 Jan 19
I woke up around 1300. I thought I took my morning meds when the alarm went off but I didn’t. I took them when I got up. I wasn’t hungover like I thought I would be as I woke up a few times during the night. I decided to do my hair and then shower. Well, it is all uneven in places. I am going to try and have my cousin fix it. Which means I need to call him and talk to him about bullshit things he talks about. Then be in his smoky apartment because he is a chain smoker. But I don’t have the money to see my barber until next week. Hopefully it will grow as I won’t touch it except for the sides and back where I have been shaving.
After I did that, I made something to eat and turned on the Pats game. They were leading already and had scored while I was showering (I had checked the score before going downstairs). I made the steaks, which were not that tender. I didn’t realize the A1 sauce I had was expired 10 years ago so it was not good. I had two cups of coffee and after I had my steaks, a piece of chocolate cake. The frosting was very thick so I just mostly had the cake with a little bit of frosting. It was so good.
I tried to figure out the bus schedule for tomorrow but I couldn’t retrieve the morning schedule on my phone. I only got the afternoon and only like 3 times in the afternoon. I had no idea what I was doing wrong and I couldn’t get the starting point from the station, which annoyed me. I just printed it out when I got to my room. I got to be up around 0830, well, least set the alarm for that time to wake me up and maybe have breakfast. I will be going another way so I hope to make breakfast of some kind. I hate morning appointments. I like afternoon as I don’t have to rush so much.
When I came back to my room, I did my meds for the week. Because the new pill is in blister packs, it was a bitch getting them out of the package. I don’t understand why my doc just didn’t write for x amount of pills and go from there. Such a pain. I guess it would be helpful if it was the right starter pack but it is the wrong one so what difference does it make?
I am hoping to go to the grocery store tomorrow to buy more iced coffee. I have maybe half a bottle left. I also need more half and half. Might see if I can find that steak that I bought that was so damn good. If not, maybe get some popcorn shrimp or a pot pie. Depends on my mood. Right now my foot is feeling like it is being split in half so it is anyone’s guess if I sleep tonight. I moved the body pillow so that I am not sleeping on my damn shoulder. My head is causing it considerable amount of pain.
I see my PCP tomorrow. I hope he can figure out what needs to be done with my right foot. I hate that my foot rolls while walking in the sneaker, causing my ankle to hurt where I had sprained it. I don’t want to go back to PT if I don’t have to. I just need something supportive and doesn’t aggravate my heel pain. I see my orthotic person Thursday so I hope he can come up with something. If not, I will end up getting something at Walgreens or CVS, whichever is cheaper.
Trying to deal with transphobia in the home
Yesterday the lunatic called and told my mother that hospitals are no longer giving babies a sex. They are leaving it blank, often a U until the child is old enough to realize its gender. My aunt was having a coronary over this issue and my mother was agreeing with her, in front of me! I tried to give information these ignorant women didn’t know but I could see my efforts weren’t going anywhere.
It really bothered me. I had to get ready for my therapy appointment and was hoping the bus was going to be on time. I went upstairs to get dressed. I temporarily forgot the conversation as I grabbed the things I needed and then went downstairs to put my shoes and jacket on. It was supposed to be slightly warmer but the wind made it really cold. I got to the bus stop and there I connected the dots. My mother was transphobic. I felt a knife in my heart. I got really sad. I didn’t go to Starbucks because I had coffee at home.
I got to my therapist’s office and he was surprised I didn’t know my mother was transphobic. I was kind of pissed he knew but didn’t let on to me. Like WTF. We talked about things and how I felt. I started crying out of frustration. I didn’t know how to deal with this and I still don’t. It is not like I have another place to go. I live with this bitch. And today is her birthday. My sister wanted me to make dirty gravy and have a meal with her. I made the gravy but I didn’t do any celebrating because I was hurting too much.
When I got home from therapy yesterday, I said I had to get off the grid but I ended up going through my friends list on FB and unfriended all my family members, including my sisters and their friends that we were mutual with. Once I did that, I went back because a couple of my good friends had posted and were supportive. I texted the few that I had their numbers to tell the truth. I didn’t want to post right then why I was “off the grid”.
I now know that there is no chance of my mother EVER accepting me and don’t dare tell me it is a generation thing. A mother is supposed to accept their child no matter what and love them unconditionally. There is something morally wrong with my mother and I have tried for years to look past it. But this is why I didn’t come out 12 years ago as a transgendered person. Because I wasn’t sure how my mother was going to be with it. Now I know she will never be okay with it and it bothers me very deeply. She never understood me. She still wants me to be her little girl. That is NEVER going to happen. She can’t accept that and I refuse to not be who I am because she can’t. I have been 85% suicidal most of my life because of this. Even while I was talking to my therapist, I grew suicidal and he said why am I not angry towards them rather than myself. (He is Freudian, and it drives me fucking crazy.) I honestly just want to die than live with a transphobic woman. I have no idea why she is tolerating me, probably because I am tolerating her. But I am in so much pain. It hurts so much realizing this. I haven’t been able to blog because I was afraid I was going to have a breakdown. I cried for three hours yesterday. I thought about password protecting this but I am not going to. I am tired of secrets in the family. If I am a “secret” then so be it. I am not going to hide who I am because a family member has their incorrect opinions about it and is ignorant. I can say more but I want to go to sleep not be pissed off.
I am trying to hold it together but inside I am falling apart. It is just one more thing to add fuel to the suicidal fire. I was thinking of ending my life in May. Yes, I have started making plans again. They are not concrete this time. But they help me deal with my thoughts when they come around. I am not sure if I will still be on Facebook. I didn’t block any of my family (except for those already blocked). I am just tired of dealing with those “lurkers” and you like their posts but they never comment or like yours or never say anything about your post except in real life, like what the fuck. I am just tired of the bullshit. People follow me, fine. Some social media I can’t control but FB I have some control and frankly with their ads and hiding posts all the time, I am not sure I am going to stay on the site. It just isn’t fun like it was. Today I had an ad for an incontinent underwear. It said that it had strength. Why would you need strength in something like that unless you have heavy shits?? I don’t get it. So dumb. I am tired of that and the longer, stronger, penis ads. GRRR those annoy me to no end. I don’t have a dick so why are you sending me this shit??? I don’t know anymore. I am just done. I’ll just stay with my books and journal writing.
Feeling grief over instability and the unknown
It has been 12 years since I was on the mood stabilizer Trileptal. It has been one of the best drugs that I had been on. I was no longer having a roller coaster of emotions. It helped my psychache, to a degree. It helped the deep dark depressions that I had. Now I need to be switching to a new medication and face the unknown as to whether or not it will work for me. The Trileptal also helped with nerve pain. I don’t know if this new mood stabilizer will do that, too. I feel sad that this drug will be gone once I reach a dose my psychiatrist feels comfortable with. This all happened because my blood sodium levels dropped and I felt like shit. I was sleeping all the time. I couldn’t do things without having to take a nap afterwards. It was awful. I am used to feeling tired after doing something because chronic pain takes a lot out of you. You need recovery time after doctors appointments or doing the laundry or hanging out with friends or even just doing self-care like brushing your teeth and showering.
I am feeling sad that I am no longer on this medication. I am scared of what the new medication might bring. What side effects will I have? My psych said there is a risk of developing a rash like Tegretol. That was horrible! But that is the reason we start slow with this drug so it doesn’t happen. I hope it doesn’t happen because I don’t like hives. I am allergic to two medications for rash, both were tried for mood stability. I am already slightly hypomanic. I am trying my best not to spend my last few dollars to pay for my meds tomorrow. I kind of got into a spending mood when I got paid, which is kind of unusual for me as I just pay my bills and then might buy one or two things that are necessities. This time I was buying refills for pens and other stuff that I don’t even know what I bought. I bought my revised book so I could have copies of them. I still don’t now what to do with the other copies that are the 1st edition. I tried entering an author’s blurb again and could not fucking do it. GRRRR. I should have changed the layout but the hell with it. It is published and that is all that matters.
I shaved my head this morning and then showered. I used my Neutrogena shower gel that has a nice scent to it. I didn’t feel like using soap. But I think lifting my arm to wash aggravated the nerve I annoyed this morning so it is hurting me again. I hope it is gone by tomorrow. I might sleep on my left side tonight and hope my leg doesn’t wake me up. Sometimes when I sleep on that side, the pressure of my other leg on top of it hurts it and I wake up in pain. So I sleep primarily on my right side. If I am still in pain tomorrow, I will dust off the body pillow and use it to annoy me. HAHA no, I’m kidding. I will have a better sleep with it despite it taking up the bed. Oh well. I am going to sleep now, or trying to!