Wake and other things

Wake and other things

My foot and ankle were hurting me all day with bone crushing pain. I didn’t think I would be able to go to my uncle’s wake. I tried to rest but it wasn’t happening. My mother still wasn’t feeling well so I made her lunch and then cleaned up afterwards. I also took out the trash and recycles. I somehow managed to find a long sleeved shirt and I found a tie to go with it. It was kind of tight but it worked.

The wake went as well as can be. Only thing that absolutely sucked was seeing my pedophile cousin who had abused me. He kept on telling everyone I wrote a book and he read it. Whatever. Then my cousin-in-law came up to me to talk to me about the book and I wanted disappear forever to get away from him. I cannot stand him. He kept hitting my back, which was already hurting me. I gave him the information that he wanted and then, thankfully, he found someone else to talk to.

After the wake, a few of my cousins, sisters, and nieces went to have something to eat. I had what my sister was having, grilled shrimp and mashed potatoes. Unfortunately, I had a reaction of some sort to the shrimp as my lip swelled up. It is still swollen. I took a Benadryl to ward off any other reaction. I feel okay. I ordered a whiskey because I felt like it. I didn’t even have half a glass and I got buzzed. I am a lightweight. I hardly drink.

I had wanted to text my therapist about my cousin being at the wake and basically giving me a heart attack in the process but I didn’t. I will tell him when I see him next week. I am glad my cousin’s wife wasn’t there. I couldn’t stand her for sticking up for him and believing him over me or her daughter. I am glad I don’t have to see him again.

I came home and my mother was already in bed. I hope whatever bug she has goes away soon. My ankle and foot are really flared up right now. I hope between the night meds and Benadryl I will sleep soon. Otherwise, it is going to be a long night.

Fare Thee Well

Fare thee well

My favorite country music artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter posted a video of this song with her dog Finn. He passed away today. Her dogs are her life as most dogs and cats are. I love this song and she always has an awesome song to go with whatever I am feeling. She is a very passionate person. I have seen her almost every time she comes to Boston. One time I traveled to another part of Massachusetts just to see her. It was an awesome concert and worth the visit. I feel bad for Mary losing her dog. She got a puppy a few months ago and I hope it gives her some comfort during her grief.

I slept for about 4 hours and when I woke up, I was hungry. It was 4 am so made a fried egg and cheese muffin sandwich. I took some Neurontin and then slept for about twelve hours. My mother called me like three times. I called her when I woke up. She said she was worried because she hadn’t seen me all day. I guess I got caught up for all the sleep I lost last week. I still feel groggy but I am okay.

My “baby” is giving me trouble. I thought a 32 GB hard drive would be big enough for all that I wanted to do. NOT. I need a bigger hard drive. I couldn’t install some software because there was no memory left. I tried to delete all the crap Dell installed but it wasn’t enough for the software. Oh well. I will have to wait. At least I have my software for DVDs so I can watch movies.

I tried looking for my M*A*S*H DVD set but it wasn’t where I thought it would be. I found some new journals and other stuff but not what I was looking for. It’s probably somewhere else. I had to move some shit when the phone company came to fix my modem. It’s probably in one of those piles. I got rid of some stuff. Unfortunately, I ended up causing an avalanche on my bookcase. The stuff that was on top all fell. I’ll fix it another time. I need to find my DVD case so I can take the DVDs that I have an store them there rather than my bookcase. I finally found my Titanic movie. Maybe I will watch that tomorrow. I do have to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my scripts. I’ll make that trip tomorrow.

I really need a shower as I think the last time I showered was Sunday. Maybe I will before bed. I’ll use my shower gel that I like. I do have to use lotion afterwards as my skin is really dry. It gets that way every time the cold weather hits. I hate it because my skin is so scaly and itchy. But that will depend on whether or not my foot is okay. It is feeling okay now but standing for 10-15 mins might flare it a little bit.

Painful Sunday, too

Painful Sunday too

Not having a good day. Woke up with my ankle screaming, particularly my ankle bone. Took some meds and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and used the bathroom. Went back up to my room where the pain then spread from the bone down to my pinky toe. I took an Ativan and a strong pain pill and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I got hungry around 11 so I carefully went downstairs to have a bowl of cereal. I then made a cup of tea as I didn’t have anymore half and half. The one I had had gone bad and there was no way of me going to the store in my painful state. I texted my brother in law and asked if he was going to the grocery store, to pick me up a quart of it. He said ok. I was grateful.

I brought the tea back up to my room and just read Twitter. The game was on and there were a lot of tweets about it. Then my feed got filled with news about Nebraska hiring a new athletic director. I couldn’t tell if this was a good thing or not or what it would mean for Mike Riley, their football coach. The Huskers are having a horrible season. Riley has been with them for the last three years. They have not had rankings or championship games for a while now.

The Pats won and I was happy. Brady, our quarterback was not happy that he had a helmet to helmet hit that wasn’t called. I don’t blame him. That is how you get brain injuries. I am glad they won. After the game, I went downstairs for dinner. I was going to have sliders but my mom made pancakes. I wanted to make them today but couldn’t because of pain. I scored! I had three or four of them before my mother yelled at me. She thought I was going to eat the whole plate, LOL. That would be too many for me. I finished the one I was eating, washed my hands, and then went upstairs again.

Pain shot out of the woodwork. My bones in my foot were now hurting. I took some more pain meds. I cried because I am in such pain I just want to die. I seriously was going over my plan, except I changed the location of where I would do it, again. I thought of calling my psychiatrist but she would only tell me to go to the hospital and what are they going to do besides aggravate me? I tried to get into BPDChat but they were talking about emotions and I just couldn’t deal. I was in a bad place and didn’t want to contribute or talk about how I was feeling. I always get ignored anyway. I haven’t attended chat in quite some time. I just am not up for it or I forget about the time.

I had emailed my PT about how I was not able to do all that she wanted me to do because of pain. Today I used the app and did poorly on it. I just can’t focus. I also told her I was feeling hopeless about everything and not sure if PT is going to help me. I’ll still go but not quite sure how it is going to help seeing as a nerve injury is not something you bounce back from right away like a sprain or a broken bone. I still am trying to wrap my head around this. I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow. Hopefully talking it out helps me a little bit. I know he isn’t going be suggesting things or anything. It’s just not his style, which is pissing me off. I wish he would validate what I say I little more. I just want to be heard and understood. Is that so terrible?

I emailed a friend to see how she was doing and I found out she is off social media sites so the best way to contact her is email. She is doing well, which I was happy to hear. I told her I was thinking of using Kratom as a pain relief med and she gave me the pros and cons of it. The sucky part is that it’s not in pill form. It’s a powder that is very bitter and that you need to sweeten to swallow it and drink fluid with. There is also a lot of trial and error with it as the dose varies from person to person. Great. Not something I am into then. She told me about cannabis and how it is helping her as an edible. I don’t want that either so I guess I will stick with what I have.

I’ve been thinking of my father today. I was tempted to call my sister to see if he was coming over today. Then I remembered he is no longer with us and I was sad. The other day when I was coming home from PT, the bus drove by his apartment building. It stung. He has been on my mind ever since.

Ok my laptop is driving me crazy with the stupid screen. Next week can’t come soon enough. I only have one appt next week (other than therapy) and I can order my new screen and hope it solves the problem. Otherwise I am screwed!

solemn Saturday

Solemn Saturday

I woke up before 0500 in pain. I took some pain meds and then set my alarm so I could go to the barber’s early to fix the back of my head. I fell back to sleep and when the alarm sounded. I shut it off but didn’t get up. I slept for 45 minutes and then got ready. It was already humid out and I was dreading it because I had to wear pants in this heat. I found a button down shirt in my office and grabbed a tie. I had to go to a wake after I got my haircut.

I left with time to spare and as I was at the bus stop, I pulled out my wireless headset. I should have stood up but I didn’t and one of the sides came undone. Dammit. I had to go back to the house to get my wired set. I was hoping to fix it but I couldn’t because the screw prevented me from putting it back into place and I didn’t want the wire to get undone.

The bus came and I went to the barber’s first before Starbucks. He fixed my head and trimmed the top. He cut the price as I saw him last week. I just gave him a bigger tip. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a sandwich. I still had plenty of time before the wake was supposed to happen. I was going to take the train but then I thought one of the buses in the Square would take me to the green line and I could connect to the blue line easier than going from red to orange to blue.

I was still really early by at least an hour and I just rode the train from one end of the line to the other until it was time to get off. I walked to the funeral home and the voices started harping on me like I didn’t know where I was going. I grew up in this town so was very familiar with the lay out. However, I am used to the starting point being the house I grew up in so it took me a while to get my bearings. The voices kept on doubting my judgement. I was getting so aggravated. Some stores and stuff had changed in the 25 years since I was in that area. I saw my elementary school and once I did, I knew where I was and where the street to the home would be.

I was sweating pretty good by the time I got there. My friend’s mother was appreciative that I came. I had known her when I was a teen as she did some workshop with the youth network I was involved in. I said hello to my friend and offered my condolences. I saw his wife, who was another friend of mine and said hello. I saw their beautiful daughter but she didn’t know me so I didn’t say anything to her. It was sad and my friend’s mother was very upset. I guess it wasn’t a planned death, the hardest kind. I had known my father was going to die. It was just a matter of time and so I had time to prepare. As I left I told them if they needed anything, they knew where to find me (FB).

I left and stopped at a gas station to get a bottle of water. I was so parched in the heat. By the time I got within a block of the train station, my foot exploded. Fuck and I wasn’t anywhere near home. I didn’t take any pain meds with me. I just didn’t think. So I hobbled to the station and the train came soon as I walked in. Score. The same thing happened on my connecting train home. I had to wait for the bus though. My feet were not happy.

I came home and hit the shower. I was soaked. Everything went in the hamper. I don’t think anything was dry. The shower was so refreshing. My feet didn’t like it but I didn’t care. I took some pain meds when I got up to my room. I have been keeping a spreadsheet on my phone on how many pills I take a day and it was 12 hours since my last dose. I waited a little bit for it to work before making something to eat. I was hungry but I wasn’t. I decided to make hot dogs rather than to order out.

After dinner, I fixed my Bluetooth headset. I was grateful it wasn’t broken and I needed to get another one. This one is pretty good with stand-by time and length of use. Only thing that sucks is that it takes a full 2 hours to charge but it’s worth it. I generally use my powered USB port so I can charge it and not have to be on the laptop to do it.

wicked hot hot

Wicked hot hot

It’s been awful with the humidity the past few days. Today I had to go out in it for my therapy appointment. I brought a facecloth with me so I could dab at the sweat. I had perspiring but there is nothing I can do about it in warm weather.

I woke up before six to use the bathroom and then I went back to sleep for almost 5 hours. It was around 11 I woke up. I was hungry and didn’t know what I wanted to make. I have a package of bacon that I need to use but didn’t have time to cook it. I really didn’t feel like making it. It was too hot. I just made some toast. Before I went downstairs, I checked my internet and I still didn’t have it. There were no messages on my phone either so Verizon didn’t call me.

After I made my toast, I got ready to head to Starbucks. The bus was late, even though it wasn’t too full. Thankfully, it had the AC cranked. I ordered my Starbucks through the app so it would be ready by the time I got there. I wanted to try the mobile order. It was easy once I figured out how to order my drink. It’s not complicated as I just get 4 shots of espresso on ice. I had a reward so I used it for my breakfast sandwich. It was all ready by the time the bus got to the Square. Neat.

After I had breakfast, I wrote in my journal. After an hour, I was bored. I wish I brought a book with me. I was really nervous about my therapy appointment. I wasn’t in pain as I took some meds before leaving the house. I needed to buy water as I knew I would be thirsty in the heat. I bought it at Starbucks and then left for the train station. I was early so I let a few trains pass before I got on. It was only a few stops I had to go.

I was sweating a lot by the time I reached the office. Luckily, they had AC in the waiting room. I cooled off some and thought about what to talk about with my therapist. I almost left a few minutes before he called me in. I was so nervous. I began nervously asking him if he minded me going through with transitioning. He answered with a damn question. I fucking hate that. I was getting annoyed and I guess he could sense it so then I asked if he cared about me or was I just a paycheck to him. I explained that a therapist was using me at one point for my insurance and he said he doesn’t take people on unless he cares about them. I felt good in that answer. Then I started crying for whatever reason. I guess the frustration and relief of his answers were reassuring me that I didn’t have to go find another therapist. That this was going to work.

We talked about my ex-therapist and how it was when I picked up my things. I told him about the things that I had gotten back and the blog I wrote about the paper in high school I wrote. I also told him about the book where a poem or essay was published in high school. He didn’t seem impressed but I wasn’t looking at him so not sure. I kept staring at his bookcase, taking inventory of his books. I also told him about the New York Times article and how upset I was over the comments attacking me and my ex-therapist.

I paused and thought about the transition and how I came out to my oldest niece and cousin. I told him about it and how I am going to move forward with it. He said that the stuff about my ex-therapist I should not fill up with the whys or other noise. It would just be harming me. That is hard to do because I still feel responsible for her ending therapy, even though my psych and him has told me it’s not my fault. I think in time I will have that sink in.

He also wanted to know where I was in the transition. So I said that I need a physical and then I can call the LGBTQA health center to move forward. They need that for the initial appointment. It would be several appointments before I was going to get hormone therapy, least according to the information sheet I read online from the center. I told him the reaction my mother had to someone who went through transition and I felt like dying. He wants to work on my response because there is no changing her. I told him I was fearful of being kicked out and he said he would work with me on finding sources so that doesn’t happen. I know at this point my mother is dependent on my check so I have that leverage. I just don’t know if she will be amenable to living with a man. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

All in all, the appointment went better than I thought. He knows this is a huge transition for me and that I am grieving the loss of a 16 year relationship. He said I am like a tootsie pop, tough on the outside but soft inside. I jokingly asked him how many sessions did it take for him to figure that out. He said it with some affection which eased my guard. I am still learning to trust him, something that I never thought I would have to do, again.