Category: CRPS

In a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, physical pain

Trigger warning SA

My CRPS pain is a 10/10 right now. I can’t do anything and sleeping is far from happening. I wrote in my journal. I recorded how I am in my 3rd day of headaches/migraines. I just took another triptan for it. I got to refill the prescription. The CRPS is out of remission and I am so depressed about it. I don’t know what can be done about it. Nothing but taking pain meds around the clock worked before.

My lower back along the spine hurts. And my left calf hurts. That has been bothering me all fucking day. It made therapy difficult because I couldn’t get comfortable. I talked about difficult things in therapy. My therapist said I have been through a lot and that i was resilient. I hate that word. I don’t know why. Maybe because it is overused with people who have trauma. The stuff about those college boys that raped that girl has stirred up my own memories of what I’ve been through. There was a statistic saying that 99% of men are rapists. I was raped by the 1%. It happened more than 20 years ago. But the incident left me feeling like I shouldn’t be with someone. I have remained single all this time. I have not been in a relationship and don’t really care to be. I felt kind of lonely tonight. I wanted to cuddle with the pup but her mom came home just as I was going down the stairs.

I took plenty of meds for my pain. Tonight was take anything and everything kind of night. It’s been about 2 hours and my pain is a little less than it was before but I am still hurting. I am listening to music to distract myself. This station i created plays all types of songs, from 80s to now. It’s awesome. The most played group is Matchbox 20. I love them. I got to get their newest album. They have a song called Hang and it is really touching.

I’ve felt suicidal tonight. I so wanted to OD and end it all. I have so much school work to do. I am starting to get overwhelmed. I need to stay away from these thoughts. It is so hard though. It is my go to place. I have thought of OD’g around the time I see my pcp but I have a quiz in my gender class that day. I am so crunched. I can’t be doing stupid shit.

All day cooking

by Midnight Demon, posted in CRPS, depression

Yesterday, I bought the ingredients for the chicken broccoli casserole. I wanted to try it again and see if I could reduce the time. Nope. Still took me more than a few hours. I started around 1pm and it was done around 6pm. It is worth it. I’ll be bringing my barber some tomorrow when I pick up my meds. I am donating blood so will probably drop it off before I enter the train station. He is like two doors up from the station. I love that his shop is so convenient.

I brought down some of the casserole to my sister’s as she didn’t have any the last time I made it. Her friend was over so they had some as well.

I didn’t shave like I wanted to. I was exhausted doing the steps of making this dish. It’s a lot of work. Making the chili cornbread casserole was easier. I will try and shave tomorrow before heading out. My cousin invited us over and I said I would go but I might be tired after donating blood. I will have at least 3 hours before I have to be at their house. Even with public transportation, it won’t take me that long to get there. I just forget the bus that goes by. I think it is the 117 but I’m not sure.

I had another rough night trying to sleep. I slept for a few hours and then I was up until 6 or 7 this morning. I slept for a few more hours before getting up around 10-1030. I brushed my teeth. I forgot to yesterday. I really need to see a good dentist because my teeth are really starting to hurt, especially where the teeth are broken. I think I am going to email my former dentist and see if we can work out a payment plan of some kind. Not sure how I will get there as it is a long walk by public transportation. And I would have to cross a huge expressway. They have crosswalks but drivers like to run the lights so it can be dangerous.

Because I had been up and down on my feet all afternoon, my ankle is flared up. I washed the pots and pans as well as load the dishwasher. I should be able to sleep as long as my ankle pain doesn’t get worse. I never know how it will be anymore. It is totally unpredictable. Nature of CRPS.

Pic/meme

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, disability

I got my haircut today. I’ve been up since 4am. I had a hard time sleeping. Then I just decided to stay up. I asked my psychiatrist about increasing the mirtazepine and he agreed. I’ll put the increase in tomorrow’s box when I do the meds for the week.

My ankle still hurts but not as bad as last night. I am tired. I made the steak for dinner. I cooked it too much. It was a thick piece and well I am still learning. It’s not often I make steak. If it wasn’t raining I would have grilled it. My knees have been aching most of the day. It is cool but the rain is making things muggy.

I read a chapter in the Critical Suicidology book and wrote a message to my therapist. Problem was it was too long for the stupid web message so I had to take a pic of it and send it. I don’t know if it will be readable. I have the document saved in case she wants to read it for Monday’s appt.

I miss my mother. I’ve been wanting to call her the past couple of hours. It has been tough. I never thought I would miss her phone calls asking what I was doing or where I was. I came straight home after seeing my barber. I had no plans today. I might go south of Boston tomorrow to visit my cousin. It’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I hope I don’t get a migraine because of the rain. I told my cousin it will depend on how I feel. I am glad they are understanding. I hate canceling at last minute because I don’t feel well. But that is life with chronic illness.

Got no gas so here is a giraffe pic

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression
Giraffe winking

I got no brain cells today as I was up most of the night. I just couldn’t sleep. Ankle was hurting most of the night and most of today. Stupid crps. Gonna have a cup of coffee soon so I can listen to the game tonight. Not planning on sleeping so I’ll probably be tired ðŸĪŠ