Category Archives: CRPS

More tiredness that is sticking around

So over the weekend I emailed my repro endo doc to say I’ve been really tired and described how tired I was and could it be the testosterone? She said most certainly not. I should see my pcp. Well today has been a real fucking day so why should calling my pcp be easy. He isn’t available until January. So again, I am seeing one of his colleagues, a doc I don’t think has any brains but is playing doctor. Okay, I will see him. I flew off the handle. Fucking January? I got to see someone else as my pcp. How are you to have a relationship with someone if you only see them every 4 fucking months? And when something comes up. You have to see someone else because your doc isn’t available. That to me is unacceptable. My former doc always saw me. Hell I remember one time I had to see his colleague and he purposely found a way for me to see him once I was in the office. That is my kind of doctor.

I had therapy today and talked his ear off about shit that has been happening. He brought up a good point, people around me don’t think I am important. I almost started bawling. I think I was at this point anyway but him saying that just brought more tears. [**I am typing on my phone so if you see a typo, please tell me**]

He gets that is most likely causing my misery. My family treats me like crap, especially my mother who doesn’t accept me for who I am. She has it in her head that I am this beautiful, cute baby girl and now I am turning into a man. Well I was all along but I had to hide myself for ten fucking years because I afraid she wouldn’t accept me. And I was right.

Halfway through session, I got a wave of exhaustion. Like I was completely drained. And I still had to go home. Fuck. I came home and I swear I thought I was going to pass out. I never felt that tired before in my life. I’ve had therapy sessions and appts and stuff and never felt that drained. Something is wrong. And I swear if this jerk of a doctor tells me it is a virus, my cane is going to be swinging. I want my blood count and thyroid checked. Though more so my blood count as testosterone can cause weird blood counts.

I got my prescription today. I had to wait in like and I swear I thought my heel was going to divorce me. It hurt so bad. I was walking with my cane because I had to take the pressure off my foot. I took it out when I got to city hall after therapy. I had to rest there for a bit. Both feet were barking. I wish I had money for an Uber. I hate that I have impulsive spending. I spent my last 8 bucks on nic sticks. I am so stupid. I nicked myself pretty good and had to use a bandage as the bleeding wouldn’t stop. Just hope it doesn’t get infected as I looked at the razor and there was some rust on it. My stupid mother never cleans it right. Or at all. Drives me nuts. She has her single edge but uses mine. Brat.

I am in pain and not sure if I am going to pull an all nighter or not. I just took a breakthrough med so I hope I will sleep. I just got to keep my damn foot still. Though it was still when it felt like someone was ripping off my 5th metatarsal. Ugh. CRPS sucks. You never know what kind of pain you will have next and for how long. Last night it took until 2 am for it to settle down. Probably would have been sooner but my fucking Kindle did an update and now won’t recognize the SD card. I had to find a thing to read it on my laptop to see if it was defective or the Kindle was. So annoying.

I did the calf stretching before I left the house. My heel wasn’t bothering me until I left Starbucks. I had to leave an hour earlier so I could fucking write. I finally had time to journal. I just wrote about all my fucking aggravation with the bus and shit. I fucking hate when people block the entry of the bus and people can’t get off or on. So rude!!!!! I sat away from the jerk or I probably would have muttered under my breath. The when i was on my way home. Guy came on preventing me from getting off. Fucking asshole. No one has courtesy anymore. Pisses me off.

I did the app exercises a few times today. I had varying scores. Sometimes i did above 90 and sometimes i did below. It is annoying me. I do it three times and if i don’t improve or get the same score i just stop. No point in going on. I haven’t done the warm heat. I keep forgetting to being the damn thing to the kitchen. Though how i am to apply it once it is hot i have no clue. It is my outer ankle so kind of hard to put on. All logistics. I’ve been using a heating pad as my damn feet get ice cold and tonight it took 4 hours to get hot. Frustrates the hell out of me. My right usually gets warm before my left (CRPS foot) but it was cold in my room so took as long as my left. I think it helped the plantar fasciitis pain. I haven’t stood yet but damn my ankle is fucking killing me (CRPS).

Hope I feel tired again so I can sleep. I got to be out of the house by 8 am for the doc appt. But with this pain, I doubt I can sleep.

Sunday Blog 11 11 2018

Sunday Blog 11 Nov 2018

To the Veterans, Thank You for serving and your sacrifice!

Today is my Godmother’s birthday. I sent scheduled messages to my cousins, her caretakers, at 11:11 am. I was up till 0430 as my pain was really bad. Started at 8 PM and just continued throughout the night and early morning. I pretty much slept all day. It was kind of hurting me when I woke up and stood up to use the bathroom but wasn’t really bad. I decided to take a shower after I brushed my teeth. I had to go back upstairs as I forgot PJs. I was damn near finished when the pain got worse. I got a pop tart from the back porch and cookies. My mother wanted me to bring some bleach to the kitchen so I did that as well. I made my coffee and ate what I brought out. I love the Starbucks iced coffee I bought. I sent a message to PeaPod asking them why their price was higher than the store price. It is ridiculous that I have to pay fifty cents more for it so it could be delivered.

Last night I was going through my pics as I wanted a pic of my Godmother and I to post on FB. While doing so, I found some pics of some baking photos of a cake I was making. I remembered I got the recipe from my friend that recently passed away. I plan on getting some cranberries so I can make the dish. Oh shit, I actually can’t make it as I need the baking dish that my barber has. I will text him tomorrow so I can get the dish Tuesday. Buses are running regular schedule tomorrow. I have my appointment with my therapist so will leave at 1030 am so I can try and write a bit before leaving for his office. I haven’t been too successful catching the 1137 bus so maybe an earlier bus might do it.

It’s cold in my room so I checked the temp. It is 40 degrees F. Barometric pressure is 30.23, which is up from last night of 29.98. No wonder I am in pain. I know there is a storm on its way. Something is going to hit Tuesday. Weather is going to be bad and we might get snow, but I think they said it would be up in the mountains. We’ll see. I have been trying to keep track of the barometric pressure but it has been difficult. I have a page in my notebook for it but I sometimes forget to write it down. I am a bad record keeper.

what a week

What a week!

I am sorry I haven’t been writing as frequently as I have. I have just been so exhausted by the end of the day that I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep. I am not sure what is going on, if I am having another depressive episode or if the testosterone is plummeting my energy. I haven’t been eating, and if I do, it is only one meal a day. If I remember to eat, it maybe two. I just have no appetite but have not seen any weight loss. I usually don’t have significant weight loss during these low appetite days anyways.

I have been going to my appointments. Wednesday was therapy and it went okay. We didn’t talk much about anything. I just talked about anything I could think of to pass the time. It is hard when he doesn’t ask questions about how I am doing so I just pass things off like I am okay. I had to skip two appointments with him because of pain. My heel pain is plantar fasciitis. I saw a podiatrist on Monday as I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He wanted to give me a cortisone shot and I said no. Everything is cortisone, but I don’t believe in them. There hasn’t been good data on them helping so I don’t even know why they are still offered.

Thursday I had the pain program. OT wants me to work on using the Recognise app. It is to help train my brain to know my foot is there or something along those lines. I am just to do the basic and to do it a few times a day. I haven’t done it at all today because I was so busy. PT wore me out. She had me walk for six minutes and then I had to do squats with a chair for 20 seconds. My legs were killing me. Then she had me do some stretching exercises for my calf. That set off a flare last night. I was not happy. I didn’t do that shit today either. I thought I might be able to while baking (see below) but I didn’t have a chance as I was in so much pain with my heel. I think I might have to wear sneakers around the house rather than slippers.

Today my mother wanted me to do an errand for her. Then I had to go to the post office to mail something for a friend. The half and half that I just bought curdled in my coffee so I had to go to Stop and Shop to exchange it. While I was there, I bought a few things. I wanted pulled pork so I got that and my probiotic orange, pineapple, mango juice. It is so good! Expensive, but good. Also got my coffee and some more honey, which was on sale. I had just missed the bus so I had to wait.

I came home and then started baking. I wanted to make pumpkin cheesecake bars. Thing was a bitch. I honestly don’t know if they came out okay. The mixtures tasted good, so they probably did. I was just annoyed because it said to chill or freeze but didn’t give a time as to how fricken long it was supposed to do that. The directions were poorly written. I complained to Tasty as I got the recipe from them but haven’t gotten a response. Then the topping was a bitch. You had flour, brown sugar, and butter. And in the video, you just whipped it up. Yea okay. It wasn’t easy doing as it was in the video. I tried using the mixer and flour went all over the place. I was getting so annoyed. My pain levels were astronomical. I just wanted to get this thing done so I could nap. I melted the damn butter and then mixed it. Then I sort of separated it into smaller pieces but not small enough to cover the pan. I didn’t care. I thought it would melt. It didn’t. I took it out of the oven and then let it cool. Instructions said to let it refrigerate overnight so I will have it tomorrow. I hope it is good otherwise, it is going in the trash. I took a nap for about 4 hours. I was completely wiped out to the point of passing out. The TV downstairs was annoying the fuck out of me. I was in mega pain. I put the whisperer thing on and fell asleep within 15 minutes. I hear my mother was on the phone with my cousin so I put my phone on silent in case he called me after. He sometimes does this and it annoys the fuck out of me. He will call me to see how she is and then call her to see how I am, fucker. I really haven’t talked to him in over a month.

Monday I am going to leave a message for the repro endo doc about my energy levels because they suck. Every little thing I do just exhausts me and that is unlike me. If I was working, I would be toast the first 4 hours. I just can’t seem to do things like I used to and I am not sure if it is the testosterone or the depression. But then, the testosterone could be affecting my mood so, I don’t know. I thought it would give me some energy, not take it away.

My CRPS ankle is killing me right now. I guess the events of the day have finally caught up with it. It was hurting while I was baking but now the pain is worse. I wish there was something I could take for the heel pain. Nothing seems to help that. I have been taking ibuprofen and it helps a little bit. I watched a video last night about how to “cure” plantar fasciitis and it said to use a tennis ball, take magnesium supplements, and something else that I don’t remember but wasn’t going to do anyway. He was a naturalistic doc so was saying to eat better and shit. Okay. Every ailment has that prescription. I have the magnesium as I take that for my spasms. I will try anything to lessen the pain. I used the tennis ball today, it hurt but it did decrease the pain. I can’t use it in the kitchen as the crevices in the floor make the ball go all over the place. I had to use it in the living room while my mother watched TV on full blast. UGH. I hated that but it was the only room I could do it.

For the first time all week, I woke up from my nap rested. I haven’t been sleeping great at night. Seems every two hours I am awake. I don’t know why. I feel like I am sleeping like a baby waking up every few hours. I haven’t been taking my extra dose of Ativan so maybe that is why. I have been taking Neurontin and that causes me to feel sleepy within an hour. I posted the pic of what I baked today. Will let you know tomorrow how it came out.

Election Day 6 November 2018

Election Day 6 November 2018

I woke up early despite have only a few hours sleep. I had a two hour nap, stayed up until around 330 and then woke up at 0740. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I took my morning meds early and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and then made breakfast and coffee. I was exhausted. I told my mother and then she said I slept too much. I told her how did I sleep too much and explained what I just wrote. She just said oh. I said you don’t hear what I tell you. I was annoyed.

I went upstairs after putting some stuff away in the kitchen. I tried calling the guy the Alderman said to call for the election. I left him a message and then I called Pharmacy as my prescription was not ready yet. The script was there but they were having computer problems with it. It was a different manufacturer. I rolled my eyes. I told the tech that I wanted a flu shot as well. I know I am risking getting sick, but I have been using the T more and I don’t want the flu. I have been fortunate not to get it since 1993 and I would like to keep that record!

The guy called me back and said he had a few pick ups and then would call when he was close. I said okay. I got ready and then went downstairs. I asked my mother if she needed anything at Pharmacy and my mother said get the paper. I said they didn’t have anything she needed. She then got mad at me and told me to go vote for my “boyfriend”. I got mad and told her I don’t like boys. I like girls and walked away huffing and puffing. I was so flipping mad. I wouldn’t mind it so much but she always says she “knows me” when clearly she fucking doesn’t. Pisses me off.

I switched sneakers when I got downstairs. I put the Velcro kind of sneakers on rather than the laces. I was tired of lacing them up and then tripping on them. The Velcro fit better anyways. The guy came and went to the polls. I voted and then the guy brought me to Pharmacy. I got a few things while waiting for my prescription (apparently the flu needs a questionnaire and then written up like a script). I paid for my things and then waited for the pharmacist. I was lucky I got the pharmacist that I like. As I was leaving, the tech told me not to go to the other location as the people there are dodos and I said don’t worry, I won’t. I already knew they were bozos. I came home and realized I forgot to fill my fricken pain meds!! I will have to go back tomorrow.

I gave my mother her paper, and then she called me saying there were three things she wanted. I said well I guess you are getting them. She said I will as she can’t walk. I said nope, not going and I said bye then hung up. I am tired of her disrespecting me and not hearing me so until she does listen to me and respects me, I am not doing errands for her. Tough shit. I am taking a stand. I don’t care. I don’t think she is going to learn any other way. If I can walk to the pharmacy, she can too. She needs to do more than just stay at home. She got a new knee and it is time to try it out. Fuck. I doubt she got the knee just to stay at home to live on the couch!

I read Twitter for a bit. The Harry Potter accounts make me want to re-read the books again. I have so many books on my reading list. Only thing is, other than the John Grisham book, the rest is not fun. The Neil Gaiman book is really weird, though I am almost half way through it, but I haven’t touched it in a few months. Then I got White Fragility which is nice but mind blowing, and then Trail of Tears, which make me hate being a white person for what we did with the Indigenous People of North America. And I am not even too far into the book. I think I am only on the third chapter! I need a fun book and Harry is the answer, actually, he is always the answer! Maybe I will if I finish Camino Island, the John Grisham book.

I am really cold and tired so I am going to take a nap. I know it is going to suck and throw my sleep cycle further off but I got a total of like 5 hours sleep so I don’t care. I have therapy tomorrow and there is a lot to talk about.

Sister’s party and other things.

Sister’s party and other things.

Today was my sister’s birthday. My middle sister and the birthday girl’s husband threw a party. It was good. The food was excellent. My feet for the most part behaved. My aunts were my aunts. The lunatic one really got on my nerves. I knew she was going to sit at the table I was sitting at because I was with my mother. OMG the arguing between the three of them. I wish I was drinking. Then the lunatic wanted pictures when they did the cake. She took pics of my two sisters and I must have been dog meat because she didn’t take the three of us. I was so fricken mad. But she came over and took a pic of me and my little cousin. That was okay. Not to me but to her. I swear our feelings for each other are mutual. I have tolerated her over the years but I can’t anymore. I am just glad she doesn’t come over the house as often.

I wanted to wear my boot but I couldn’t find the piece that goes in the front. I wanted to wear it for my right foot. I have no idea if that would work as I wore it for my left. But standing and sitting and everything at the party, it would have been helpful, I think. Least to take my weight off the injury. I might end up in the thing anyways but I am not sure. I just know until I find that piece, I can’t use what I have and that sucks. I know it is in my room but when I was clearing the stuff in front of my window so my brother in law could take out my AC, I was just throwing shit everywhere, not really paying mind to what it was and where it was landing. I bet it is somewhere that I just haven’t found yet. I should have stuck the think IN the fucking boot so I wouldn’t have misplaced it. I am so mad at myself. I honestly don’t know what to do until Monday. I got to call my PCP’s office as he needs to order me something to put my foot in. I am in too much pain to not be wearing something. Plus I got to find out about the pain program and if I should start it. I am going to email the physiatrist in charge and see what he thinks. I am really up a creek. This couldn’t have happened at the worst time. I am glad I found out why I have so much pain I just wish my damn chickenshit pcp did a better job at putting me in something. Course the stupid NP thought I had plantar fasciitis and was sticking to that. Asshole. I really wish I was awake enough to tell her off but I was so shocked by the news that I couldn’t even begin to ask questions. Plus she was just like see an ankle specialist okay bye, which didn’t help. I hate having to constantly fight just to get care. Going to put an ice pack on my ankle with a tear so maybe it will speak to me again…