when morning pain is too much

When morning pain is too much

Early this morning I got a wicked bad cramp in my CRPS foot. I couldn’t do nothing but bear it. I couldn’t move it or anything. I knew it wasn’t because I was dehydrated because I was drinking fluids when I was up at 1 am. I drank half a bottle of Gatorade. My foot is still severely sore so I had to take a couple of BT meds. I wanted to go grocery shopping today but that isn’t happening.

I ended up going to PT last night. She worked on my calf muscle which she said had a A+ knot in it. I am to roll a tennis ball underneath it to try and work it out. She said I might need dry needling to get it out but I would be limping out of the office as it is painful. She was just working on it with her hands and it was fucking hurting so bad so I know the needling would be worse. She told me that I could use a book on the bed and roll it. That is an awesome idea because I have a foam topper and the ball would just sink in and not move. My calf is still sore from the massaging she did. I walked up the hill to my house and it hurt so bad last night coming home. My breathing is going to take time to get better, she said. It is the last thing to get better. But I should continue to walk up the hill. I won’t be walking today because of my foot.

I made an appointment with my therapist for the end of the month. I figured if I have an appointment, I wouldn’t stray too much away from therapy. I see my pcp next week, in person. I am going to see if he can order fasting labs for me as it has been a while since I have had them done. I just sent them a message to find out if I should contact uro because I am still experiencing pain in my urethra despite not cathing. I don’t want to take the pyridium tabs because they cause me to retain more as I don’t get the urge to go. Today is the last day I am on antibiotics for this UTI. I haven’t cathed the whole time I was on because the urge was there for me to go. I also haven’t been on a schedule because I seem to be able to go every 3-4 hours on my own.

I am listening to Taylor Swift’s Speak Now album. I love this album so much. I wanted to listen to Fearless and I might later. Or maybe I will mix the albums and create a playlist. I don’t know. I just need to hear good music that puts me in a good mood without causing me to think about things.

I am getting tired. I was up in the middle of the night again and didn’t go back to sleep until around 4am. I woke up around 0730 to pee and I have been up since. I might need a second cup of coffee soon. I want to work on my 2nd memoir today. If I can write at least 300 words that would be good. I don’t really know where this book is going. I have written only around 500 words so far. It has been a slow start because it is so personal.

My legs are killing me so I really think despite taking BT meds, it isn’t enough for me to go grocery shopping by bus. It will be too much for me and I don’t want to hurt more than I already do. Today would be a perfect day for it because the weather is perfect. It has cooled off considerably and is a nice sunny day. The wind makes it cool but other than that it is a really beautiful day.

another hot pre-summer day

Another hot pre-summer day

Another hot day in Boston. I cannot stand it. I am in a grumpy mood. I don’t know if I am going to go to PT tonight. I should go because I haven’t left the house all week and I need to get my prescription. I was able to shower but now am exhausted. My leg is killing me from where I injected the T. I seem to have flared up my whole leg. Doesn’t bode well for walking to my appointment and doing physical therapy. I will see how I am around 2pm and if I am in still in pain, I will cancel.

I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. My shoulder flared up on me and it took a while to settle down. I sent my therapist a message asking if she was going to leave any time soon. The way she was saying she didn’t have time for me made me wonder if she was going somewhere. She sent me this long message back about how her time is split between two clinics and also reiterated that I would benefit from a group in addition to therapy. I wrote back that I don’t think groups fit for me and right now with my upcoming surgery I don’t think entering a group would be ideal.

Just had my second coffee of the day. I found that if I have a second cup I can usually ward off a daytime nap. It usually wears off around 1730 though and I get super tired. My sister is going to give me a ride to my appointment so I don’t have to take the T first leg of the trip. I really don’t like late appointments but it was the only time she could fit me in. Next week I am not seeing her and if I skip today that will be three weeks I haven’t seen her.

I just changed my shirt and put deodorant on, something I always forget to do when I go out. I am so used to not going out that I forget when I do go out to wear it. I know I will be needing another shower when I come home from PT. I should cancel because I am in so much pain but I really need to go. I messaged the PT to tell her to go easy on me. She agreed. She is a good therapist. I call her the poking therapist because she always seems to poke to get to the spot that is knotted. She did a good job on my calf. It doesn’t seem so tight anymore. It was twitching after I took a shower. I love taking showers but also hate them because they make me exhausted. I usually take just one a week but in this heat I need to take more. It is supposed to cool off tomorrow. I want to go grocery shopping. I want to make lemon chicken. My sister made it a few weeks ago and I loved it. Been craving it since then with some white rice. I also plan on making zucchini like my niece made. It was really good.

another scorching day

Another scorchering day

It’s so hot my AC can’t keep up. It’s cool in my room but not cold. Humidity is up to 47% un my room. It is muggy to say the least. I hate it. And it is only the beginning of June! Summer hasn’t even started yet. Boston has consistently gone from freezing to hot temps the last few years. I hate it. Just last weekend we had the heat on it was so cold. I didn’t go outside much today. I drank my coffee on my porch and then realized why I don’t do this on a hot day. I was sweating so much from being outside for just a few minutes. I need to take a shower and I will after I have my dinner.

I had therapy today. We discussed the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. Apparently it has been in my record for some time. I didn’t know that. I am still upset about it because of the stigma attached to the diagnosis. She agreed to take it off her notes but can’t do much about what others have written. She said that I feel empty which is a major component of the diagnosis. I do at times but it isn’t all the damn time. Most of the time I feel numb and depressed. She also said that I am angry at her a lot of the time. WTF I would love to know when I have been angry at her. If she has been taking my shutting down as being angry with her, she is dead wrong. I shut down because I don’t know what to say after I have been called out. It takes me a while to recover and come up with something to say. It is easier for me to say nothing than to react.

I asked for a couple weeks break and she reluctantly agreed. I probably won’t need that long to collect myself but I need some time off for a bit. We briefly discussed getting another therapist but she said there would be no one at the institution to give me the time I need/want. For a few days I thought we were on the same page in ending but I guess it isn’t the way I think it is. I am still so fearful she is going to end on me.

Hope the T storms cool things down. It is supposed to roll through sometime this evening. It is crazy hot in the house. I think the house is hotter than outside. I got a headache and a backache right now. Hope the two aren’t related. All I did was put some toilet paper in the bathroom so was walking around the house. I got my AC on full power at the lowest setting and it’s still humid in my room. I don’t think I am going to shower today. My back hurts too much to stand even for 10 minutes. I will try and take it in the morning. I have PT in the evening. It’s supposed to rain all day.

Scorcher Monday

Scorcher Monday

It’s 92 right now and it’s not even 1pm yet. It was like 84 around 9 this morning when I had my first cup of coffee. The house is hot as hell. I am cool in my room because I have the AC on. I would be dying if I didn’t. I need to shower and shave but the bathroom is so damn hot and just shaving my face flared up my back. I had to get the whiskers off as it just felt gross with the sweat and humidity.

I tried writing some in the memoir that I am working on. I think I wrote like 100 words and couldn’t write anymore. I have no idea where I am going with this and I am just narrating the history of my being trans. I want to write at least 200 pages but it is slow work because it is so personal and hits on feelings.

I wanted to go grocery shopping today but it is too hot out. It is going to be cooler the end of the week so I might go then. I want to get lemonade flavored Gatorade. I really like it. I might get some chicken and lemon so I can make chicken lemon on the grill. I like the way my sister makes it.

My mother just came home from the doctor’s office and her sugar dropped. I had to give her juice and make sure she got hydrated because the house is hotter than hell. She was sweating when she came home. I called her once she felt better to make sure her sugar was up in the normal range and she called me “madam”.

Ankle has flared up pretty good with all the stair climbing up and down. I haven’t eaten that much today so was starving come dinner time. I couldn’t go down right away because I was hurting so bad. My left ankle hurt and then my right calf cramped up, I became confused for the first time. I guess with the heat and everything I became disoriented for about a half hour. I drank some Gatorade to try and stay hydrated. I also took some magnesium pills for the cramps. Some random freak told me to take some supplements for anti inflammatory. That isn’t my issue. I am really tired of these idiots giving random advice when it is not asked for. Pain just peaked. Area around my ankle bone is hurting so damn bad and my neck is hurting from the stress. I want to take a Zanaflex but I know I will be sleepy if I do and won’t be able to avoid a nap like I am trying to do right now. I am so sleepy from the heat.

Listening to a make up game. Sox are playing the Marlins and just scored a run. Sox now leading 2-0. Marlins have a rookie on the mound. Brian Daubach was just on the radio. The boys interviewed him. He used to be one of my favorite players. Now 5-1 Sox and I missed how they scored because I went to the bathroom. It is the 5th inning. I have a good feeling about this game.