Worst Monday ever

I woke up an hour before my alarm went off. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I wanted to go back to bed but I knew if I did, I’d regret it. I laid down but didn’t sleep. My mother called me. She wanted me to go to the bank for her and I said to leave the stuff on the table. I wasn’t feeling too well. My foot hurt so I took some pain meds. Then I got dressed.

Went downstairs and got my mother’s bank stuff. Then I went to the bus stop. It was cold. A storm had been predicted. Just great. I got to Starbucks later than I wanted. I quickly ate my breakfast and then bought some new coffee and a French press. The one I had kept leaking coffee no matter how much pressure I put on the lid. Time for a new one.

I grabbed my things and went to the train. I put my ear buds in and wow the music was loud. I lowered the volume. Should have known it was the start of a migraine. Train came and I went into town. I got to my doc’s office with 2 mins to spare.

I was called in a few mins later. The medical assistant took my vitals. Asked about my pain and then said the doc would be in soon. I finished my espresso and threw it away. Doc came in and told him I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He had to let the pain doc do something for my pain. I didn’t threaten suicide or anything. He read their notes but didn’t tell me what it said. Then I told him to contact my Neuro to find out what else can be done. He read his note and it said he suspected a superficial fibular nerve injury rather than crps. This was before the bone scan confirmed CRPS. My pcp said he would send him a note. Then he examined me. I told him my leg was swollen. He said it was consistent with the fibular nerve. I wanted to kick him. The poking aggravated my leg and ankle. The top of my foot was already nuts. I told him this half hurt and the other didn’t. I put my shoe back on. He wanted to do a tox screen. I forgot to ask him about CBD oil. Oh well. I left a urine sample and made an appt in a few months.

I got to the Square and just caught the bus. I went to the bank and by the time I got home, my ankle flared up. I took some pain meds and changed to my PJs. Then I made a sandwich. Came back to my room and my head exploded. I felt sick. Took my migraine meds, the zofran, and magnesium. I took the mag because the pain in my leg was causing spasms. Then my foot lit up like a Christmas tree. I was cooked. The barometric pressure was 29.95. Explains the migraine and increase in pain. I’m still trying to get it under control. I feel really sick. Sounds hurt so bad as does light. I’ll be going to bed early.

After I had some Sloppy Joes, I got the mail. The books I ordered came in. One is a medical thriller called the 4th procedure. The other book is called helping the suicidal person. If the migraine is gone tomorrow, I’ll read one.

I don’t ever remember having so much pain in my head and foot/ankle at the same time. The city has already called a snow emergency. There is no school tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere. I feel so miserable. I hope I sleep okay tonight. Sounds like my mother is done watching TV so maybe I can rest now.

Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.

Low key Saturday

I still had the same pain I’ve been feeling all week. I didn’t have anything to do but go to Walgreens to get my meds fills, and even that I didn’t want to do.

A few weeks ago, I was reading an article about how fish oil combined with an anti depressant helped to ease depressive symptoms. I tried to find the highest dose of EPA and DHA but couldn’t. So I just got a high dose of fish oil. It came a few days ago. I took one that day and was going to take it everyday but forgot. I remembered this morning so took it. It is a huge pill. Thankfully it doesn’t have any fishy aftertaste. I’ll put it in my med box for the week when I fill it tomorrow.

I had cereal for breakfast and then I made coffee. I was going to finish it then go to the store but decided to take it with me. I just put on a pair of sweatpants, grabbed my mug, and left. It was warm out so I was glad I didn’t wear a jacket. A lot people came to get flu shots. I waited for them to fill my meds and then walked home. My ankle was feeling like a rod was going through it. I’ve had so many different types of pain this week. I haven’t done any of my PT exercises. I just don’t want to make the pain worse.

My cousin with bipolar disorder invited me to have dinner at his house. Pain in the ass has called me 3 times today to confirm. He woke me from my nap. I thought he wanted me to come early so when I was a little more awake, I called him back. No, 1830-1900 is still on. WTF. He wasn’t even home the ass. I hope it goes well. I just worry about getting to his apartment as he is on the 3rd floor. That is a lot of stairs. I’ll probably take a shower when I come home as he is a heavy smoker.

I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I might make a zucchini bread as I bought zucchini. I also want to make a pumpkin bread. I just haven’t had the energy to make it. A friend of mine gave me the recipe. Maybe if I feel up to it, I’ll make both.

Emotional rollercoaster Sunday

well, let me tell you a little about my day. I wake up and text my bro in law who has promised to replace my ceiling fan for going on 3 weeks now. He says he can’t (after telling me he could last night) because he has to decorate his tree and then do snow removal. Okay. Another weekend of having a potential fire hazard but who am I to judge. I am mad because I go to his apartment for some English muffins as ours I had to throw away because of mold, and he is sitting on his rump, tree isn’t decorated and the snow isn’t removed. I was fumed.

I then watch a goofy sentimental video on twitter that brings dust to my eyes. I am overcome in emotion. I then decide to use the old laptop for some computer work. I plug in the stupid cord, foot goes berserk. I had enough and it’s only 3 o’clock. Now I am really crying as I know there is no controlling this pain like it has been going on the past 3 weeks or more. 😥

I went downstairs to have dinner before BPD chat. As I was walking toward the 1st fucking step, my damn foot explodes, again. I couldn’t bear weight. The cane was upstairs with my walking boot and my sister and her daughter’s were out. I started crying again. I sat on the stairs. My mother is telling me to sit on the couch and I yelled at her because I could walk the 5 steps to the couch. I just sat on the stairs, drinking the iced tea I made, wishing it was alcoholic. I was waiting for my phone to go off telling me it was time to take my pain meds, but I never set it. Took me more than a few minutes to collect myself and the pain to calm down enough for me to climb up the stairs.

Then I decided to join BPD chat. I was getting heated over someone who thought you can’t approach someone without training. Like what the fuck. I am not a professional but I always say I am available to talk to someone if they need an ear. I don’t have “training”, just compassion and empathy, which is all you really need. I was so fucking mad. 

Then I tried copying and pasting what I wrote on FB to a word doc and half of it goes through. So I’m now using my phone to write my blog as my new laptop sucks. Pain meds are kicking in and my damn mother has turned up the fucking heat again to heat stroke conditions. I turned on the fire hazard fan. Don’t fucking care anymore. I still need to fill my med box for the week. Dont know if it is worth standing for 15 mins or so. I’ll put tonight’s meds in a bottle and put it by the bed so I don’t have to get up again.

I’m emailing my psychiatrist and telling her I’m going to take 25 mg of Zoloft as my emotions are all over the fucking place. I have been really angry or just cry for no reason. I know there are reasons for it but since coming off the med, I cannot tolerate being so emotional all the fucking time. I have enough med to last me till June, I think, if my stomach can tolerate it. I’ll try to eat something with my meds to counteract the nausea but not sure that will work as it didn’t while I was in the hospital. 

I feel like yelling at my mother to turn down the fucking heat. I truly hate not being able to get around my own house, on my own two feet. It is making me really depressed. As I was sitting on the stairs, I was thinking maybe between my mother’s insurance and mine, we could get a stair climber thing. Only thing is, I’m not sure our walls are strong enough for the placement of the trolley. Plus our stairs aren’t straight down like you see in the commercial. It has a few curves.

One of my high school friends posted on Facebook about maple syrup. Think tomorrow I’ll make oatmeal pancakes. I love maple syrup but it is too expensive for me. Maybe my next grocery order I’ll splurge and get it. I did find out it can spoil so needs to be kept in the fridge. 

Ramblings 320

I was in a lot of pain after dinner. I took my night meds around 1900 and then read Twitter. One author I follow had retweeted an actor/comedian about his movie the Big Sick. He said it was free on Amazon Prime so I decided to watch it on my Kindle fire. It is really good. It took my mind off the pain for a couple of hours.

My foot started acting up once I started moving. I had to go to the bathroom and when I stood, OMG, it dos not like it one bit. My ankle and foot felt like it was fused. I couldn’t move them and if I tried, I was in mega pain. Going down the stairs was difficult. I did my business and then decided to taste test the stuffing my mother made. It wasn’t in the fridge. It was at the other end of the house, on our front porch. It was good. My foot didn’t like going around the house. Hated going back up the stairs even more. I took some pain meds and an Ativan. I am hoping to sleep soon.

I checked my bank account and it was off. I logged on and Zipcar had charged me $70. WTF. My first thought was someone hacked into my account. I went on the Zipcar site and learned it was the annual fee. Fuck. My therapist is not getting paid this month. I wish they had sent me a notification saying they were going to charge me so I could have budgeted it. Assholes. That really set me back. I will still have some money after everything is said and done but I hate skipping a bill because it is hard to play catch up. Next month I should be able to double it, provided no unexpected expenses come up.

I am really tired of being in pain all day. I wish I could stay in my room all day tomorrow but I got to do the family thing. I just hope i am not going up and down stairs all day because I’ll refuse. I don’t want to flare up if I don’t have to.

My mother was cold earlier so I had to turn up the heat, even though it was like 50 degrees out at the time. Now it is 38 and the heat kicked on. It is not cold in my room but it will be roasting soon.  I still have the window open and I think it stopped raining. I rather be cold than hot.

I am going to see if I can find another movie to watch that is free. If not I’ll call it a night and snooze, I hope. Hopefully the pain meds settle the pain a little so I can sleep. I still can’t believe I’ve been in pain from 0730 continuously till now which is 2300. That is nuts. It is just awful.