Day 6 of covid19
I am in my 6th day of quarantining and being sick from covid. I feel really tired and weak. I have been trying to stay hydrated but it has been difficult as all I want to do is sleep. Today I felt a little better so made my coffee and had my breakfast cookies with it while in bed. My sister has been helpful in getting me food and stuff but I haven’t been too hungry.
Taylor Swift released her version of Fearless today and I have been having trouble downloading the songs after buying the album. There just seems to be a glitch between my phone and Amazon music app. The app is awful and with each update, gets worse and worse. But I am listening to the app as that is the only way to listen to the music right now. I am not entirely up for listening to music because my head feels so wonky due to covid. I just feel like I have the worst cold ever.
I need to shower today. I haven’t had a shower since last week. I know it is going to take a lot of energy to shower and wash up. I know I will feel a little better if I take one. It might clear up my nose for a little bit. I hate a stuffy nose more than anything. I hate being sick. All I keep thinking of is the setback this is going to cost me because I am not being active like I wanted to be. I just want to sleep all the time. I will be out of quarantine Tues. I cannot wait. I probably will still stay in my room but I am going to go for a walk somewhere soon as I get clearance from the government. Then I can schedule my vaccine so I don’t get it again.
I finally got the stimulus money so I plan on calling the probate court when I feel a little better to order a certified copy of my legal name change so I can get my passport renewed. I’ve been wanting to get my passport renewed for a while but I never had the money for it. The total cost for getting it is around $200, which includes getting my certified paperwork.
I am fighting a nap so hard. I am trying not to sleep too much today but it is getting exhausting. The fatigue I feel is way worse than my normal fatigue. I really hate that this is going to decondition me further. I think I am going to have to be in PT the rest of the year to get some of my strength back. My PT is good though so I am glad I have a good therapist. Sucks I couldn’t see her this week though. I canceled my appointment because I thought I would be getting the vaccine and too messed up by the shot to see her. Nope. Now I got to reschedule the vaccine yet again.
I have Covid
Saturday I got a fever of a 101.5. I felt pretty shitty but there was no reason for the fever. It continued the next day so I went to urgent care to get testing for covid and I was positive for it. I continued to run fevers until today. It has been almost 24 hours since having to take Tylenol but I just took some because of muscle aches. I am glad the fever is gone. I still have to quarantine the next 10 days.
I had a phone meeting with my TG doc because I forgot we were meeting. I am glad she called. She said my T levels were low so she is increasing the T dose by 0.25mL. So that will be my next dose when I take it next week. I will risk the acne that follows.
I feel really tired than usual from the covid. Been sleeping a lot. I haven’t been eating because I haven’t had the appetite. I got the sniffles. I also got brain fog which is making writing so difficult. I will write more later if I feel up to it but just wanted to give an update on where I am at.
Don’t call me daughter 5
Apparently this is a blog I frequent write whenever I am misgendered. And this week is no exception. Monday after therapy I was talking with my mother and I don’t know how it came up but she said I was her “daughter”. I said I am her son. I said it multiple times and she kept on saying like a child that no, I was her daughter. Then she said something that cemented the deal by saying I will always be her first born daughter. I tried to convey how hurt I was but I couldn’t find the words. After a few minutes she had the audacity to say “change is hard”. Yeah right. Talk about mixed messages.
I was very upset and I reached out to social media like I always do when I need support. One person told me that I needed therapy. Another couple of friends said that it was a generational thing with my mother and to “ignore” her. What I don’t understand is how a parent can do this to their child. I never wanted to be a parent for a lot of reasons, being male is one of them. If a partner should have children, I will gladly see them as my own and love them as much as I love my partner. But right now I am single so I don’t have to worry about that. I like being single even if it is lonely at times.
I digress. I got some support from my online friends. It was not enough to keep the suicidal ideation away. I texted my therapist what had happened and I was thinking of taking some pills. Told her I was going to do the safety plan instead and she agreed. It has been a struggle living with my mother the past few days. I don’t want to deal with her at all but I know that if I give her the silent treatment that is only going to cause more problems. I just been staying in my room. Today I plan on taking a walk before picking up my prescription just to get out of the house and do some physical rehab because I am so deconditioned from my past surgeries. I am seven months post op and am still recovering.
My therapist and I talked about how hurtful my mother was and she just said that it was basically wrong and unfortunate that she is this way. I have tried not to take it personally but it is so damn hard. In Dec, my mother got Covid and I didn’t know if she was going to survive or not. She had a lot of medical issues and I wasn’t sure when she would be coming home again. It put it in perspective that she wasn’t going to be around forever and all I want is for her to call me son. Now I realize that is never going to happen. She is never going to be proud of me for being transgender, she may even feel ashamed of me. I don’t know. I rather not know if that is true. I know that to the healthcare workers that come to the house she still calls me “daughter” and “she” when addressing me.
I feel that no matter how much the testosterone changes my face nor how much facial hair I have, I still will not be seen as a he. It is so fucking painful to have a parent reject you like this. Wed was Trans Visibility Day and I got really suicidal. I felt worthless because I don’t have a mother basically. It is so hard. I feel like a black sheep. I texted my baby sister this and got her support. I don’t have the support of my middle sister. My middle sister and I don’t get along too well. It depends on her mood on whether she will call me a he or she. There have been times where both my sister and mother will call me a “whatever”. That hurts more than anything. I take it silently because I am too hurt to fight back. Part of me just wants to die because then I don’t have to deal with this. But I have my nieces and nephew to think about. I love them dearly and they love me and accept me for who I am. It has been a saving grace to hear my nephew call me a he to my mother. I think about survivor loss all the time whenever I become really suicidal and how it will affect my “kids”. How my kids will handle my death has been a huge preventative measure whenever I am suicidal and don’t have severe constriction. They love me unconditionally and it is the purest love. I have watched them grow up from being babies and it has been such a privilege.
This weekend is Easter. It is my least favorite holiday. I am not looking forward to a family gathering. But I will show up to eat. These days I haven’t been eating right. I usually just have breakfast and won’t eat the rest of the day. Appetite is just not there. The depression this whole thing has caused me is unreal. I don’t think an antidepressant will help. I still take it though.
Cold cloudy Sunday
The temp dropped during the night and I woke up freezing around 0230. I was in pain and been taking pain meds throughout the night. Mostly been taking Zanaflex, Tylenol, and my breakthrough med. My whole left arm is hurting for some reason, from the shoulder to my hand. I haven’t lifted anything heavy in the last few days so I don’t know why it is bothering me. I just put on a long sleeve shirt because it is 64 degrees in my room. brrrrr
Four days till Opening Day at Fenway! I am very excited we are getting 162 days of baseball. Last year just sucked with 60 games. I don’t know if they will have the games broadcasted on the radio app this year or not. I hope they do so I can listen anywhere. My favorite pitcher got scratched for starting opening day due to dead arm. I really wanted to see him start off the season at home.
I am so tired so I just plan on staying in bed today. Only thing I have to do is my meds for the week. I should get rid of my recycle that has accumulated on my bed. I have empty Gatorade bottles at the foot of my bed. For some reason I can really suck down a 20 oz bottle faster than a 32 oz. I need to start preparing for changing my sheets again. I think I am going to wash the new sheets I have and then use them on my bed.
My neck is starting to hurt again. I need to put heat on my shoulders and neck. I haven’t done it in a few days because my neck wrap is on my bed and I keep forgetting to bring it down when I go downstairs. I’ve been wanting to make a cup of tea for a while now. I just haven’t had the patience to make a cup. I just want to stay on my bed all the time.
WordPress changed the way they set up blogs. I don’t like it because you got to write out the tags and categories instead of just clicking on them like before. Pain in the ass. What normally took me 10 minutes to do now takes 20. Sucks. I hate the change. I knew it was going to happen when they had two ways of creating a blog. It was just a matter of time before they gave you the option you didn’t like.
I have therapy tomorrow. This week for appointments aren’t too bad. I have PT and I see my psychiatrist. I can’t wait to see my PT because my shoulder is so bad. I have been trying to decrease the time I spend on my phone but it has been difficult. I was waiting for a book to come yesterday but it won’t be in until next week. I am so bummed. It’s a baseball history book that one of the baseball people I follow on Twitter recommended to me. I think it is what I am looking for in the history of team names and such.