I’ve been in severe pain since 1900 last night. I don’t know what I did to cause this flare. I know part of it is because I was emotional today with the news of my BFF who is like a little brother to me. I love him so much. I wish there was something I could do for him. I am going to try and call him every week just to check in on him.
I’ve been scrolling on twitter most of the night. I did read Medical Apartheid. I finished the ugly chapter I was on about eugenics and how white people wanted to expunge African Americans. This went on until the year 2000 where they set up clinics to sterilize or force them on birth control. One of the campaign sayings was something like better to be an addict than to have a child. Shows how depraved people were about addiction. Rather than deal with the issue, they rather the person suffering from addiction was sterile or on the long term birth control Norplant. Just makes me sick. The next chapter is on radiation and Blacks. I don’t know if I can stomach it. I thought I could read this but it is really sad what these people have gone through after their freedom was given.
I am tired but I can’t sleep due to pain. I’ve already taken what I could. I even took ibuprofen to try and stop the pain. I think I could be hungry but I don’t feel like going downstairs to make something to eat. I would just have cereal though. I found a box of honey nut Chex while I was putting groceries away yesterday. I love that flavor.
Because of my grocery delivery, I canceled my therapy appointment. I won’t have therapy this week. I will see her on Mon. We have a lot to talk about. I should probably write some of it down so I don’t forget. I hate writing stuff down because once it is out of my head and on paper, I forget about it.
I made an appointment for my eye exam in a couple of weeks. It is outside of Boston at a new place. I just hope the doctor is nice. It is in the afternoon so I am not so sleepy. I think there is a bookstore near there so I might go book shopping after.
Red Taylor’s Version
I am still waiting for my CDs to be delivered from Amazon so I am listening to this album via Amazon Music because I pay for the unlimited. I had downloaded the songs but apparently the buy CD get digital free doesn’t work anymore. I have downloaded the songs but they are just on the app and not on my phone.
I just finished listening to the album the entire way through, without the shuffle on or repeat on. I fucking love it. Her version of Better Man is so fricken cool. I still think of my father with this song. I was ok with Babe but Jennifer Nettles sings it better. And for the life of me I cannot think who sang Better Man first so I had to google it to find Little Big Town did. I listened first on speaker and now I am listening via headphones to get a better experience of it. Some of the songs sound better than the original version. You can definitely hear the more mature Taylor’s voice on the album. I love the addition of violins to Last Time. When the album first came out I was fixated on this song. I must have listened to it a thousand times but I just love the melody of the song rather than I listened to the lyrics.
The “All too well” 10 minute version is so fucking cool. It kind of messed me up when listening to it because of the added lyrics. I cannot wait to see the movie tonight at 7pm. I cannot believe how well this song is. I thought it would be instrumental but I am so glad there is lyrics. There are a couple of songs that I didn’t hear before because they were on the deluxe album and I didn’t purchase it. Ronan was and is a sad song. It is about a four year-old’s death. The lyrics are stunningly beautiful. I never heard this song before now but I heard about it from a fellow Swiftie I follow on Twitter. Amazon delivered my songs and I got them on my phone now. After dealing with my stupid MP3 app, I have all 30 songs in a folder/playlist so I don’t have to play each album separately. Dumb thing.
Arm is hurting me today but that is because I am using the muscles a little more and I made the mistake of lifting my arm while trying to lift my Tshirt up so I could put my phone in my pocket. I am more left handed than I think I am. I write like a second grader because that was the last time I wrote with my hand. I never realized how much I use my arm until I hurt it. Even typing hurts my sore forearm.
I had two cups of coffee back to back as I was listening for the first time the new album. It caused colon blow but I am ok. I made it to the bathroom in time. But I am so damn tired. I could nap right now. I was up a few times during the night. I woke up sometime before 4 to use the bathroom. I didn’t know if I had to go or not when I woke up. I never really went back to sleep. I got up around 9. I took my meds and then listened to the album as I made coffee. I had the kitchen to myself as my mother was leaving the house for an appointment. I had a bowl of cereal as I was starving. I hadn’t eaten anything since last night when my mother made eggplant. I haven’t been eating too good lately. I just been eating one meal a day. My mother is making fish tonight so I will have some of that. I didn’t have lunch yet. I don’t really know what to make. I should make some eggs. I haven’t had them in a while. I don’t know.
Saturday Blog 06112021
Today I am dealing with an influx of junk mail being filtered to my inbox rather than junk mail folder. I must have gotten at least a half dozen notifications today so far that are junk. I don’t know what is the problem. I sent a message to outlook hoping to find a reason. It’s jut ridiculous. The emails are all bogus. But I think I got a handle on it as most of the emails are from the same domain.
I sort of woke up when my med alarm went off at 0830. I made the mistake of falling back to sleep and now I feel like all I want to do is sleep. I only woke up once during the night and that was to go pee. I hope when I go for my test next week that it records the urge sensation when I am cathing. It is so uncomfortable to be going about my business cathing and then get an uncontrollable urge to pee. Sometimes my stream becomes stronger and then urine goes everywhere. It is messy and I hate it.
I had a cup of coffee and I might have a second cup soon as I am so fricken tired. I think I am going to heat up the chicken pot pie that I have for lunch. I haven’t really eaten anything today. My mother made zucchini and had a little of that but it was wicked salty.
Ohio State and Nebraska are playing each other in college football. Every year they play each other and every year I am conflicted who to root for because they are my favorite teams. OSU is beating the Huskers right now. I think OSU is going to beat them, again. Nebraska has been holding up some good defense though. It is a close game right now. And OSU wins 26-17!
My damn shoulder is killing me today. I put heat on my ribs as the muscles are sore. My bicep keeps throbbing along with my wrist/forearm. I can’t wait till I see the doc on Monday and they decide what they are going to do. I hope I can delay PT for a few weeks until I get my back PT in. I don’t think I need the full six weeks as usually one to three dry needle sessions is all I need. I start PT on Tues. It is with the same PT that I had earlier this year. She is good and I like her style.
A rest day that wasn’t restful
I had a shitty night of sleep. I kept waking up like every two hours with my shoulder hurting me, all because I checked to see if we needed juice. I had reached into the fridge with my sore arm and then lifted the gallon of juice. A bad idea as I was rewarded with pain in my shoulder that would continue all night. Around 0200 I got up and started writing and that helped. I went back to bed around 0400 and stayed asleep until 7. My baby sister’s birthday is today and she needed a wingman to help her with errands today so I got up around 8. I had my coffee and half a bagel. We then went into town for my sister to do her things. On the way home we stopped at the pharmacy so I could pick up my new blood pressure medicine. I asked questions about it as I don’t know much about it. It could make you drowsy so I was being aware if I was any more tired than I already was. I had tried to nap several times today but couldn’t.
I ordered my groceries last night as my mother needed somethings. They were an hour late so they waived the delivery fee. I then had anxiety bringing up all the groceries by myself. There is still four gallons of water in the front hallway that I am too tired to bring up. My sister said she will bring it up after work. I had to bring up the water with one arm as I couldn’t carry a gallon with my bad arm. It was a long process with many trips up and down the stairs. I got hot and sweaty and tired. I had to have a cup of coffee to try and stay awake for my sister’s party and for dinner. My sister is making raviolis.
All I wanted to do today was rest and I didn’t. I got a huge anxiety attack despite going up and down the stairs. I think it was because I was carrying something heavy and trying to keep my balance on the stairs. I also knew that I would be the one to do it all by myself and that overwhelmed me. My mother is coming around to the idea of getting a bubbler of water for the house so we don’t buy water anymore. It probably will be cheaper in the long run to have delivery service. The only question is where to put it.
My right knee still hurts from the fall. I meant to have my pcp take a look at it but I forgot. Maybe I can get the ortho doc to look at it when I see him Mon. I think it is just bruised as it only hurts when I kneel on it. I need to take a shower as I am really sweaty and feel icky from it. I also need to shave my head. I have decided I am going to grow my beard out for the month.
I had asked my therapist if I did the work on the hopelessness paper if she wanted to see it. She said yes. Fuck. Now I got to work on it. I am getting there as I have been thinking of what to write. I just hope I can pick up where I left off. That is always a hard thing to do.