Tag: blog

In a grumpy mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder, transgender

I’m in the hospital. I’ve been here since Thursday. The depression and grief were just so overwhelming that I didn’t want to live anymore. So before things progressed to a bad place, I got evaluated. Sleep has been an issue so we are working on that while I am here.

I had a difficult night sleeping. For some reason dreams hurt my head and give me severe headaches. Not fun waking up to them. My foot also flared up (CRPS) around 0530 so I had to take pain meds. Then I was pretty much up and didn’t go back to sleep. My BP and heart rate were up this morning. I’m not surprised. I have been working with a friendly LGBTQ nurse the past few days. She had to give me my T shot today and they ordered it for the glut muscle. She was good. The only thing that hurt was the pinch of the needle.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today, all caffeinated. Has not helped my headache. Hoping tylenol will. I have been using diclofenac gel for my knees and it has helped so much. I haven’t been doing stairs so still not sure if that is a problem for me. At home, stairs would hurt my knees going down. Going up, not so much. I do stairs a lot when home because my room is above the living area.

I hope to be going out today for some fresh air. One of the MHS’s will be taking me. Depending on how well she knows the hospital, I might give some history. I did the last time I went out. It was cool for me to speak about it. When I leave, I want to take some pics of the current construction so I can remember how the Bulfinch is right now. I love that building so much. It was built by my favorite architect, Charles Bulfinch. He has a place in Rockport that I really would love to see. The place is I think 1.5 miles from the commuter rail stop, which is too far for me to walk right now. I might take an Uber if I go this summer.

I went to a webinar yesterday. CAMS care hosted Dr. Thomas Joiner and his theory of Interpersonal Theory of Suicide. It was very interesting. I learned a lot and got my wheels turning. I might write about his theory in a future blog. He is coming out with a new book in Jan/Feb and I can’t wait to read it.

There is another pt here who is trans. I am glad I got to meet them. I hope we can stay friends after the hospital.

I am tired. I hope today goes OK. Also hope this fog I am in dissipates. I am going to try sumatriptan to see if it helps this headache. Could be migraine activity as it has gone on for a few days now. I just feel shitty. I went outside and it is nice out. Hot but a dry heat. Not too humid.

It’s hot

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

It has been hot and muggy the past week. I’ve been tolerating it but I am starting to lose my patience with it. I need to clear the area where my AC is so my bro in law can put it in. I sort of made a mess of it when I was cleaning my hamper out. I got to decide what I am going to do with the clothes. They aren’t particularly my favorite. And the sweatpants elastic is basically gone. Doesn’t fit me anymore.

I had therapy yesterday reluctantly as I needed to get a letter from her. She was being a bitch the whole session. I hate it when she doesn’t allow me to change subjects or just shut down on something. We talked about my mother and school and transitioning. I told her she could write the letter saying how I was depressed because I was transgender and wasn’t transitioned but now that I am transitioned I feel better. She then asked how do I explain the major depressive episode last fall. Ugh. I really can’t. Late Aug/early Sept I always suffer from depression. Been that way for nearly 30 years. Sometimes I get really suicidal. I didn’t tell her this. I felt like if I did, I wouldn’t have the letter.

After therapy, I went to get some lunch and my haircut. Talking to my barber made me depressed. I was feeling so low afterwards. I went home after and then I went to PT. My foot was hurting because I had been on my feet all day. We decided not to do the machine and just worked with a ball. She then worked on my foot tendons. My foot was hurting still today but less so.

Today is my nephew’s birthday so we went out to eat. I ate too much. I slept nearly all day. I didn’t do anything I wanted to do. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I had a hard time sleeping because my foot and ankle flared up. I hurt so bad. I was up until like 130 and then woke up every couple of hours during the night. Didn’t help that it was so fricken hot in my room. I really need to clear the space so my bro in law can put the AC in.

paper where I wrote I’ll wait for you

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, PTSD, recurrent major depressive disorder

Paper where I wrote I’ll wait for you

I am having a hard time sleeping. I am listening to Taylor to try and ease my heavy heart. Grief is hitting me hard. I am remembering stuff with my mother, mostly stuff from when I was little. The parties we used to have where we would have leftover chips and cake. It made a good breakfast while my mother was sleeping. She didn’t want us to eat that stuff but we did anyway. My mother was the one we did stuff with. My father never really had time for us because he was so selfish and narcissistic. My mother took us to church and to school. She also came to events at the school where we participated in. She didn’t come to my basketball games when I played my freshman year. It was not a good game usually as I sucked. Plus no one really gave me the ball to shoot it. I was bad at trying to take a shot under pressure. But I could do a layup pretty well.

I also remember the abuse my mother did to me. It happened when I was little and while I was in puberty. She saw changes and kept looking at me every time I showered or bathed. Even while I was an adult, living with her, I couldn’t be naked around her because she would look at my body. I felt so much shame and I think that is why I have a little of body dysmorphia. I hate the way my body is. I don’t like that I am overweight. Now that I don’t have breasts, I can clearly see my stomach that is huge and it bothers me. I am trying to lose weight. I haven’t the first clue how to actually do it. I am not a person that can eat salads and stuff like that. I am a meat eater. I will eat chicken and potatoes. I love making a chicken breast and roasting it. But getting back to the abuse, I was always criticized when I tried to go on a diet. My mother would not approve of it and be very snarky about it. My father called me fat and ugly all my life. It was very hard to lose weight when I felt like I had to live up my father calling me fat all the time. Every time we had dinner and I would fill my plate, he would say something about it. He was not a nice man.

So I had my parents give me an idea of what my body should or shouldn’t look like. I know I need to lose weight. But I don’t know how really. I have tried drinking Ensure during the days and then at night but I feel hungry. I need to have something solid in my stomach. I will usually have a turkey sandwich or just eat turkey breast or chicken breast and that will be my protein for the day. Sometimes I will make an egg. If I get up early later today I will try and make an egg sandwich.

I love how my chest is. I am still getting used to it as I really can’t believe the breasts are gone. I love it so much. I no longer have to wear baggy shirts to hide my chest. I can’t wait for the warmer weather so I can wear tank tops without worrying about whether my boobs are gonna show.

I feel sad about my mother’s passing. I feel like there should have been more time that she could have spent with us. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I feel cheated because my sisters had my mother at their birthdays and I didn’t. I got a phone call while she was in the hospital. A voicemail message, actually two of them. Then I didn’t get her card until two weeks after my birthday. I got no party with her. My sisters and nieces celebrated with me at the restaurant but it was so hard without my mother there on my birthday. I am upset about it. I never said anything about it before because I thought there would be another birthday with her. I was wrong. Cancer took her before we were ready to say goodbye to her. I am angry about this. I am sad and hurt, too. I got all these feelings rolled into one. I don’t know why the cancer showed up now. I knew it would eventually. She smoked a lot and I knew she caused damage to herself. I just wanted to have one more birthday with her. Now it is never going to happen.

I don’t know if I should stay up or go back to sleep. It’s almost 5am. It is usually the time I go back to sleep. The birds are chirping away, being annoying. They are cardinals. I think one of the is my father because he would be a pain in the ass in the morning especially if you didn’t answer his call right away. I am hungry and am thinking of making an egg sandwich. Haven’t decided if I want turkey or regular bacon in it. I have maple bacon that I haven’t opened yet. I love the smell of bacon. So good. My mother would make extra bacon when she made it. It was always too crispy for me and usually cold. I like eating the fat off the bacon. It is so good. I know it isn’t healthy but oh well. I don’t have it often. I usually like turkey bacon better than regular bacon. Less mess and easier clean up. I’ve been having turkey bacon with my burger that I make. It comes out so good. I love it.

My sister bought coffee creamer which is ok but it is sweet. I have to remember not to put sugar in the cup when I make my coffee. I am thinking of going downstairs to make something to eat and to have coffee.

I have decided that my trans memoir book is going to be in comic sans font. I find it more personal that way, though I keep going back to typewriter font, which I think is times new roman. I am not sure though. I don’t know. I need to write more about it and see what I have written so I don’t repeat myself. I will need to get an editor for the book. But I will worry about that when I have at least a hundred pages written. I want to have at least 200 pages with also resources for trans like the lifeline and other stuff. I think it will be important.

Tiring day at PT

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, disability

I went to bed too early last night. I got your around 1130p to pee and then had a hard time falling back to sleep. I read the rest of my book. It helped to settle me down some. I drank a lot of poweade so I ended up having to pee again around 3am. It was difficult to go back to sleep.

I woke up with my med alarm. I shut it off and went to sleep for a few hours. I forgot about my grocery delivery. I am glad it came in the afternoon and not the morning or I would have missed it. I took a shower before it came. It tired me out but I had the perfect hot water temp so it was soothing.

I made some boiled eggs for lunch. I didn’t know what else to make. I had three cups of coffee. I was hyper when I left for PT. The bus was a little late, so I was literally on time for my appt. We did some work on the machines with increasing resistance. It killed my legs. Then she had me on a rolling chair to do some more leg work. My calves were killing me. Legs feel so sore right now.

I came home and made a spicy bean burger for dinner. My niece gave me one of her papusas which was really good.

My mother didn’t have a good day. She was tired and in pain. We had the appt with the medical oncologist, and it didn’t go very well. My aunt misinterpreted what he said and got really upset. She was yelling at my mother to get more care, and my mother ignored her. I think my mother has given up, and it has been hard to see. She just doesn’t care. She will do things if she is up to it. Otherwise, it is up to one of us to help her do things. We are seeking an opinion from radiation oncology, but the med oncologist said they only do things if you have symptoms and my mother doesn’t at the present time. It has been a hard day for me. I’ve been really sad and alternating with caring and not caring. I’ve never gotten along with my mother and I don’t think we ever will.

I almost wrote something in my book last night, but when I wrote it in the journal, it was only a paragraph, so I nixed the idea. I really am struggling to write this book.