Annoyed, anxious, and aggravated
I have been having an anxiety attack the past few days. I don’t know what set it off. I was reading an info graphic about the difference between panic attack and anxiety attack. I read it and found I had anxiety I was feeling. Been like this for the past three days. I took some Ativan like my therapist said and did some deep breathing exercises. It helped a little but I am still on edge.
My mother wasn’t well this morning. Her sugar was low but the meter thing didn’t detect it or go off. My sister said she was still off so I took her blood pressure. Her pressure was low and then we found out she was taking an extra fluid pill that affects blood pressure. We called her doctor and told us to take the BP a few times a day each day and then call next week with the readings. I have been taking her blood pressure manually all day. It has not returned to normal. It is still low but she is not having symptoms so I think she is fine. She has been drinking fluids and we gave her some Gatorade to try and get her sugar up as well. I made dinner of chicken with BBQ sauce and rice. It was a good meal for cooking for the first time. I never made it before. I wanted to grill it but I didn’t have access to the grill. I plan on taking my mother’s blood pressure one more time before she goes to bed.
I got aggravated when my sister texted me again to take her blood pressure all so she could go out. I am pissed at this. I told her I wasn’t going to take it until bed time and she pulls this shit. She said she ordered a monitor and good luck with my mother being a good patient with that. I know my sister she will take her BP every fricken hour or every half hour to see if there is a change. Pisses me off because what is she going to do with the readings?? She isn’t a medical professional like I am. I know what to do which is why I had called the cardiologist to find out what to do about my mother’s low pressure. I am sure if it gets lower she will have to go to the hospital for fluids. Doesn’t help she has soft diarrhea like stool.
I am so annoyed. My stomach has been bloated the past few days because I am constipated. I have been taking Miralax since Monday and have not had a movement all week. I took a double dose of Miralax this afternoon. I just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. I feel stuff moving but I still have not had the urge to go. It is frustrating me. To help my anxiety I have been taking Neurontin. Surprisingly I have been ok with a large dose. I haven’t walked into any walls. I just been on edge. My anxiety is getting really bad and I don’t know why. I took my night meds early because I have been up since 0530 and haven’t had a chance to nap all day.
I went grocery shopping and spent over a hundred dollars on food. I bought cold cuts, fruit, yogurt, juice, and my Gatorade but I forgot to buy onions like my mother wanted. I forgot to put them on my list. I brought 4 bags of stuff up the stairs and I was so winded. It took a really long time for me to catch my breath. The bags were not heavy but were heavy enough to cause shortness of breath. I was really fatigued afterwards. I had my mother help me put the things away. Then I ate my ice cream that I bought. It had rum in it but because Covid affected my taste, I couldn’t really taste the rum like before. It was a real bummer.
I have started my taper of citalopram and I think I am going to stop taking antidepressants for a while to see what happens. I have been feeling ok the past few weeks. I know I have had suicidal urges but I haven’t been depressed. People think that you can only have suicidal thoughts if you are depressed and I don’t think that is true. I think suicidal thoughts can be independent of a mood disorder. I firmly believe this.
A new show on a hot day
The Sox didn’t play the Yanks last night. Game was postponed due to Covid. Three players tested positive on the New York team. I was so bummed out. I watched a few episodes of Community. I once again had a difficult time sleeping. I kept waking up in the middle of the night. Around 530 I decided to empty my bladder thinking if I did, I would go back to sleep. There wasn’t much in my bladder but I was able to sleep until my med alarm went off. I stayed in bed for another hour before getting up to have my coffee.
I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds so I did that. My mother wanted Sweet n Low but they didn’t have it. I ended up ordering it online. I wanted to watch friends when I came back to my room but it is no longer on Netflix. I saw the Queen’s Gambit and am hooked on it. It is extremely well done. I love chess so it is a good show for me. I watch three episodes back to back to back. I just took a break to have lunch and to write this blog. I don’t know if there is a game tonight or not. They are still doing tests.
I had a 2nd cup of coffee and feel wired. I hope it lasts so I can watch more shows. It is such a good distraction. I woke up this morning in pain but as I have been moving about, pain seems to have gone away. My ankle and foot still throbs, but it always does. I haven’t decided if I am going to shower or not. I hate taking a shower in hot weather when the house is a thousand degrees. I need to shave. I have been putting it off the last few times because I hate doing it. My back always cramps up after a few minutes and it is difficult to take a shower afterwards. Even while walking to the pharmacy my upper back was cramping like crazy. I got to see the PT about it. Maybe she can do some dry needling and fix it like she did my lower back.
Yesterday some people read my blog Don’t call me daughter 2 so I read it. It stayed on topic throughout so I decided to have it included in my book. I am up to 32 pages right now. My goal is to write at least 200 pages. I am writing about my trans and transition experiences.
I’ve been feeling depressed with intermittent suicidal thoughts. I read an article about a clinician who lost a patient to suicide 28 years ago. He talked about how after all this time, we still do not know how to prevent suicides from happening. It awakened in me the thoughts of suicide and the urge to carry on with my plan. I thought about my therapist and how she would react. Would she even care? Then I think about texting her and wondering if she would respond. I am not supposed to contact her in urgent situations. I am supposed to reach out to a hotline or go to the ED. Or I could just act on my urges and say the hell with things. Those are my choices. And only I can choose which one to do. It is a very lonely place.
Suicide’s fall out, future planning
It has almost been a week since I last planned the end of my life. I didn’t go through with attempting because I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to fail again so I held off. Now I am future planning with my hysterectomy surgery coming up and thinking about going to the weight clinic so I can lose weight to have top surgery. This is a big deal for me because it is living. Doing gender affirming things is making suicide less of an option.
My therapist was curious about my future planning. When she said that, I got scared. I told her about my realization last night about how suicide will be on the back burners should I opt to go to the weight clinic so I can have top surgery. It would be stupid to lose weight and kill myself. I never thought I would feel this way about life and wanting something from it because I have wanted to die for so long. I still want to die, especially after the day I have had today. I’ve been in pain and cathing hasn’t been easy today for some reason. I have cut down the hours to three to cath because the urge to go has been so strong when I cath it is like popping a water balloon and pee goes everywhere. I also have been in pain since 4am this morning. My aunts were over and my mother deadnamed me. This was right before therapy. I feel so bad about things. I hate my life.
I am scared about this future planning and being suicidal. I have lived a dual life where I was planning to end my life yet carrying on like I wasn’t. Now the opposite is happening and I know that there are stats that go against me. I am not saying that this forward thinking is going to prevent my suicidal thoughts from happening. I am slowly doing things that make me laugh and feel good. My therapist recommended I watch the show Community and although it is a stupid funny show, I enjoy watching it. It takes me out of my head. When I woke up at 4 this morning I watched an episode to try and settle things down so the pain meds would work and I could go back to sleep. My bladder had other plans though. It kept waking me up every couple of hours to be emptied. And this is without drinking any fluids.
Suicide has always been my go to option when I am feeling bad, really bad. Now that I am finding more options to things, I am needing it less. It feels really, really strange. Losing weight will be a huge challenge for me. I am not ready to face it. I have to get through my hysterectomy surgery first. Once I have recovered, I plan on going to the weight clinic to help me be the weight I want to be. Just hope that this new living plan that is forming doesn’t get derailed by suicidal thinking again. After all, suicide is always an option no matter how much living I do.
Making phone calls and being on hold
I got my new SIM card for my phones and put them in. Unfortunately, I am unable to install the new voicemail feature and it said to call a number. I did and was put on hold. I also called my service provider to take a line off my account and was put on hold. Catheter company called just as therapy was ending so when I returned the call I was on hold. Doesn’t anyone get this lucky when making phone calls? I wouldn’t mind but the catheter company had piano music that was so depressing. I could only bear it for so long and then I hung up to call again. Finally got through to someone at my cell provider and turns out all I needed to do was update the app. I was with the tech for just a minute after spending 20 on hold.
Today is my nephew’s birthday so we celebrated out in my backyard. I lasted a couple of hours before the heat got to me. I am so tired and because I was sitting, my ankle/foot is flared up. Going to be a while before it settles down before I am able to sleep. Veins are popping on my foot which isn’t a good sign. CRPS swells up really good. The Suicidal area on my ankle has flared up a few notches. My sister had me go downstairs to check on my mother. I wish I didn’t because now the pain is agony. Foot and ankle are screaming at me. And just like that I am in a suicidal spiral. The pain is causing me to feel so damn hopeless and I am trying to “ignore” it. I am trying to say it will pass and then I will be “fine”. But in this moment I wish I was dead. I just took my BT meds with Tylenol. Hopefully in an hour I will be feeling better.
I am listening to a song by Taylor Swift on repeat. I don’t know what it is about this song but I absolutely love it so much. The melody of the song just draws me in. As many times as I have heard this song I still do not know it word for word, yet. I am getting there with each repeat.