1st cold in a while

1st cold in a while

I got my first sickness of the year. I was starting to come down with something over the weekend and now it is full course. I am coughing and got a runny nose. I am all congested but no fever. I ran out of Nyquil so I am just taking vitamin D. I feel a little better today even though I am stuffy.

My urologist got back to me today. She is sick but wants me to drop a specimen to the lab tomorrow and have my pcp follow up with it. So I sent him a message about that. I don’t know if it will be tomorrow though as Wed I need to see my therapist.

I still have the assignment the therapist gave me last week that I haven’t done yet. It is hard because I have to think what three need mean to me and how to achieve them. The first one I picked was achievement, to increase self-regard by the successful exercise of talent. I often dismiss my achievements like they are nothing. For example, the PT I saw was amazed I was able to get to her appointments from the next two towns over by public transportation. To walk to the bus/train stop and then go to and from. She gave me credit for that and I never thought of it that way. I would sometimes I have a pain flare after, but that was something I did without it being a challenge. Writing lately has been a challenge. I would love to write at least five days a week but I know there are days where I am not feeling up to it physically or mentally. It is hard to write when you feel like complete crap or your ankle is screaming on the top of its lungs.

The second thing is play. I would love to have a chance to go to the chess club more but sleep is more important to me. I have to plan the day because I have to take the bus on a Sunday. Then walk to the plaza. Sometimes they go to the coffee shop if the weather is not great and that means I have to have money for coffee. I usually don’t carry cash and I am often broke by the time I get paid. Just trying to have an extra $20 for a haircut has been hard. That also makes me feel good, to have a haircut. I wish I could go more than once a month but budgeting it now with having to budget my meds hasn’t been possible.

The third thing is defendence, to defend against assault, criticism, or blame. I need to stand up for myself more in my house. I let my sisters and mother boss me around all the time. They don’t think that I am disabled and that I do things on purpose, like leaving the toilet seat up. That is a new challenge for me with this whole catheter business. They don’t understand that I am not aware of things that they are. Yes it sucks but give me a little credit or just tell me so that I don’t do it again. Don’t get mad at me for something I don’t know I am doing. I am not doing it on purpose. I get so irritated with my sister about this stuff. She has no respect for other people. My mother has no privacy for my bathroom uses. It is really frustrating. I don’t know how to deal with this because both are so volatile.

just stay

Just stay

This saying “just stay” has been kicking around the suicide prevention circles I have run across. Some days it helps me to focus on staying here. Other days, I want to scream why, I don’t deserve to be here. Today I am feeling a little hopeful because my psych sent me a message and it really made me feel like someone really cares about me. I am taking that with me so that I can do this Herculean project I want to do.

Last year when I was thinking of something to do about writing my book, I thought of writing a baseball history book about what teams were called before what they are currently. Like the Red Sox had many names before being called the Sox. If you look at the World Series, they are listed as Americans or red stockings. The Yankees were called the Orioles before they were the Yankees. I find this so interesting and seeing as there isn’t a book about it, I want to write it. One of my favorite authors, SE Hinton, always says “write what you want to read.” I always wanted to learn about the history of baseball teams so I want to write it. I am not sure I will have to go to Cooperstown to get the information I need but if I do have to go there, I will. I am not sure how I will finance it but I am sure there is a will there is a way.

Yesterday, I had therapy and it was a disaster. We talked about frustrated needs that Shneidman says contributes to suicide. She didn’t understand what these needs meant to me to understand why I am suicidal. She wants me to write them and then write the things that get in the way. That was going on and then the voices got unbearable. I asked her if she felt I was meaningless. At first she was like why am I thinking that. When I told her the voices were saying this and I needed her to tell me they were wrong she then said that I was not meaningless so that reality testing happened. Then she asked more about the voices and I said that I had lowered my dose. She flipped out in a very concerned way. She wants me to talk to my psychopharm about doing something to help the voices go down as this is a serious matter. I did send a message to the psychopharm but have not heard back from her. I also sent a message to my uro and she hasn’t responded either. I am going to have to drop a urine sample next week when I am back at the hospital.

I am coming down with a cold. The virus has been hanging around the house as my mother and sisters have been sick. I am treating it with rest, fluids, and vitamin D. I find that vitamin D helps respiratory and cold infections better than anything. There was a study I was involved in and D actually helps the cytokines fight infection. But the trick is you have to be out of deficiency in order for the D to work. Find out if you are deficient, get stable on D and you will be able to fight getting the cold better. I find that if I take 10,000 IUs for a few days, my cold symptoms go away faster. So instead of being sick 10-14 days, I am sick maybe 4-5 days. This works for me. It might not work for someone else but I am just throwing it out there. The cytokine is Hcap18. There have been a lot of studies with this and asthma. A Google search will help you understand this if you don’t believe me.

I made a cup of English tea. It is by Twining called Everyday Tea. I got it from an English friend I know on Twitter. The tea is really English as it is from the UK. I love it as it is a full bodied tea and is strong. It is really good especially on cold New England days like today. It is 14 (-10C) degrees out. Hope it helps this cold that I have. It is cold in my room because I have the window open. It is 64 (17C) degrees in my room. I love the cold and this temp suits me. I just put on a sweatshirt on top of my long sleeve shirt. My ankle is really hurting today. I have had to take gabapentin and extra breakthrough meds to try and quiet it. It feels like I am being stabbed and the pain is right through the joint making me feel suicidal. I want to shave and shower but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen today.

so tired of the shore

So tired of the shore

I had a meeting with my psychopharm today. We went over the psychache psychometrics. She assessed my suicidality. She didn’t like that I am hearing commanding voices and my suicidal level was high. I told her this was my norm. She said if that changes to get in touch with her immediately. I told her I would.

I sent a message to my therapist last night and haven’t gotten a response. The voices are telling me that she thinks I am meaningless and don’t trust her. I should end seeing her. I am still feeling meaningless. The voices are really loud today and I am having trouble concentrating. Tomorrow I see the therapist and I am supposed to bring Shneidman’s needs with me. I thought of just bringing a print out of my blog on the subject but then I thought bringing the book might be better as it lists a better definition of the words than I could interpret.

Since before my appointment with my psychopharm, my ankle had started to act up. I took a pain med before leaving the house. Now my pain is beyond tolerable. I can’t take my normal stuff because I have an early appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I have to leave by 1030. I just hope that I remember to bring Shneidman’s book with me. I meant to put it in my bag today but I forgot it on my bed. I am glad I took a shower this morning (probably what set off my ankle) so I won’t have to tomorrow.

The voices have been really loud today. Last night they were obnoxious. I sent a message to the therapist but haven’t had a response. They are telling me I should kill myself, though they are not being too clear on how to do it. One is telling to do it this way and the other is just like take this bottle of pills. I am glad I don’t have those bottles near me. I want them to shut up but I know the only way they really will is by killing myself. I can’t put them on mute as they don’t have a mute button. I have five voices right now, 3 that are bad and 2 that are my normal ones. Sometimes there are six. I am glad the 6th one doesn’t come along too often. There is so much noise going on. I told the psychopharm I would only be open to taking trilafon. It is the only med that works when I need it. I don’t want to go on something else or increase the dose I am taking now. I don’t want side effects. It is bad enough that I am dealing with dry mouth from the nortriptyline and the bladder spasm medication. I won’t take that medicine tomorrow because I want to see if it is making the dry mouth worse. I hate dry mouth. I have to make sure I carry cough drops or hard candy with me at all times now.

random thoughts 19 Dec 19

I had therapy today. It was the first appointment since my attempt on Monday. We talked about it and she is temporarily taking away my texting her until I am more stable. If I need to talk to her, I need to use the patient web thing. I won’t use the web thing because whatever I write gets put into my medical record. I had to send her a message today when I got home though because the concussion doc that I saw yesterday gave me so much more medication than I thought he was going to give me, especially after I told him I attempted on Monday. Fucking idiot. But then, not surprised. Professionals stay away from suicide as much as they can.

I got a few decent hours sleep so when I woke up, I was rested and decided to get moving as I was antsy. I was so nervous about seeing my therapist as I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. She told me that she isn’t going anywhere and to my relief she isn’t transferring me to someone else. I get to see her Monday, which is my birthday. I will be making zucchini bread sort to “celebrate”. The one I made for Thanksgiving was gone so I really didn’t have much of it the last time I made it, much to my disappointment.

I was developing some problems cathing so I let my urologist know. She said to come to the office the next day and she would put in a catheter. I went yesterday, after I saw the concussion doctor. I have a leg bag again. I cracked myself up today when I was going to pick up the medication the concussion doc prescribed as it can cause urine retention. I laughed because I have a catheter in me so it doesn’t matter if it does or not. I am not sure when I am getting this sucker out. The nurse is supposed to call me tomorrow when my culture results come in. They already did and it was negative so I want this out of me but it might be a while. I am not sure. As much as it is a pain, I kind of like it as I don’t have to leave my room for anything. I am trying to rest my flared up ankle as much as possible because I can’t stand being in pain anymore. If I can avoid the stairs, I will. I need to change the bag into a bigger one because fucking hell, I do not want to wake up at 3 fucking AM to empty the sucker. I just hope I put the damn thing in right because I really don’t want urine on my bed!

I have a concussion that the doc is worried about because it has been two weeks and I am still having symptoms. My memory was not perfect. When he gave me four things to remember, I remembered two. I know I totally fucked up counting down numbers from 100. And even something simple as remembering the date was out of touch. I couldn’t think what month this was. It was really difficult trying to have therapy as I kept losing my words for things. At one point my therapist told me to just take a breath and think then speak whatever the emotion was. I have trouble knowing what the fuck my emotions are anyway so today I just didn’t know my ass from my elbow. I got so frustrated because I couldn’t name how I felt. She wanted to know and I had no words. She jokingly said that we both will be without a jokester for a week and a half. We both are sarcastic as fuck. She will be away from Christmas until after the first week in January. She said we need to plan something while she is gone. I am kind of scared of what that will entail. I am not sure if she wants me to do shit while I am concussed still. I don’t see the concussion doctor again until the week she comes back. Both my therapist and psychopharm are out at the same time. I’ve been in this situation loads of times though not particularly after a suicide attempt. I know I will be alright. I just don’t think they will. The psychopharm wants me to call warm lines should I get suicidal again. She gave me a bunch of links in the Boston area which I didn’t even know existed. I probably won’t call them. I’ve never really found hotlines helpful when dealing with chronic suicidal thoughts.