Saturday Blog 12092020
I changed the background on my zoom and I am so excited about it. I can’t wait to have therapy with my therapist on Wed. I wanted to have something different than just looking at a wall in my room. Monday I need to call to schedule my PT appointment. I meant to call yesterday but it was not going to happen as I was so sleepy. Today I slept till almost 1500. I still had coffee. I needed it. I might end up going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I got another text from them saying my meds are ready for pick up. I feel too lazy today to go but I might force myself to go. I don’t know. If I go, I will get Oreo ice cream.
I need to shave today. I might do that later. I will be careful not to reopen my cut on my face. It is healing nicely. I want to wash my face today so maybe after I shave I will do that. I just hope my back cooperates and doesn’t cramp up on me. I should shower too but that may be too much. I get tired easily these days. I am still recovering from back surgery. I am to do activities to my tolerance and if things tire me out, then I need to rest, per doctor’s orders.
College football starts today. I don’t think the Buckeyes are playing. There are only 19 teams scheduled to play. I don’t know who is playing as I haven’t looked. I heard Iowa lost to Louisiana. That was an upset. I am not that interested this year in college football like I was in previous years. The virus has put a damper on my excitement about games. I just want to keep the players healthy. There are some nasty side effects of the virus if you get it and survive.
Hunter Hayes has come out with a song that is perfect for suicide prevention. I love it. It is called Invisible. I have been listening to it on repeat the past few days. He has been involved in this year’s World suicide prevention day. He was selling T-shirts to benefit some organization. I haven’t been involved this year because I just can’t right now. I am too hurt from my feelings and where I was a year ago. I wrote about it on Twitter. I still can’t believe that conviction I felt about ending my life is gone. I am less suicidal. I still think about it at times but it is more of a passing thought. It doesn’t hang around like it used to.
A few weeks ago my therapist gave me the low down on my illness and said that it was severe and that I needed treatment that included medication. She wasn’t backing down on this. I slowly have come to the realization that she is right. I do have a severe illness and it does require treatment. I had been in denial that it was severe because I thought I could handle it on my own in certain aspects of it. But I can’t be in denial anymore. I have to accept that I have severe depression. It is hard. It hasn’t been easy to accept. I am not sure I have fully accepted this. I am trying though. It is a challenge every day to get through it. Some days are easier than others. The fatigue of depression never seems to fade. But there are days were I am able to overcome its grip and carry on through the day. It might make me more exhausted as the day ends but at least I pulled through.
Friday thoughts 11092020
I’ve been in a tired mood for most of the day. I don’t want to do anything. My sister made mac and cheese and that has been all that I have eaten today. She is making some apple dessert so I can’t wait to try that.
I met with my psych. She said that I look better than I did the last time she saw me. I do feel better but I am just tired. It was good seeing her. She wasn’t so worried now that I am better. She knows the psychiatrist I will see next week. I am glad she approves. I was worried she wasn’t. She said that the guy is a good guy and I will like him. I hope so.
There are like twenty or so games left in the baseball season. Sox have won one game in their last five and are losing tonight. I didn’t think it would happen because there are only left handed hitters on the Rays lineup but doesn’t matter. They are losing by four runs in the 5th. I talked to my therapist about them yesterday and she said she has stopped following them. I can’t. I try but I just can’t do it. I have to know the results of the game. It is what keeps me going.
Yesterday’s therapy session was hard. I talked about my abuse my cousin did to me because I was flooded with memories the past few days. I have felt disgusted by the memories and more. We also talked about my cousin dying so young. We did talk about the anniversary of my last psych hospitalization. It was a year ago. I told her last year was the worst year I ever had. It took more than a year for me to recover and I don’t think I am fully recovered from it. I am still severely depressed but not as suicidal like I was. I still find it odd that I am still alive. I had such conviction to end my life last year. I honestly have no idea how I am still around. My therapist has been keeping track of the time we have worked together. I find this kind of odd because most therapists don’t do this.
I’ve been in a lot of ankle pain today. The barometric pressure is over 30 and the temps are 20 degrees cooler. Pain has gone through me like an ice pick. I haven’t hurt this much in a long time. I can hardly find a comfy spot for my ankle and foot. Seems it is ok for a little while and then pain shoots up again. I’ve tried to be careful with it when I get up to get something but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I took some gaba to try and stop the pain. I am not sure if I will have to use something else too or not. I just took some Zanaflex. That will at least make me sleepy enough so I can try and get some sleep, though if this level of pain doesn’t go down, I doubt I will be able to sleep. It is always so hard to know when you can sleep and when you can’t. I wish I could take more BT meds but I am already at my max for the day. I haven’t been great at ignoring pain today because it has been so high. I hate when pain levels are this high. It is just a gnawing kind of pain that refuses to go away. It makes it so hard to concentrate and think. Going to take some more gaba and hope for the best.
Therapy and suicide stuff
My therapist shocked me by bringing up some suicide research. I knew what she was talking about though I really wanted the articles she was reading. I did my own research after we talked and think I found some articles that she may have read. I am going to ask her next week what articles she was reading. I am interested to know. She also thought that me thinking of suicide when my pain is great is what is making me depressed. She obviously doesn’t know that suicide planning can be a relief because you have an escape anytime you want. It is important to think about when you are feeling trapped. She wants me to have contact with my support groups and to reach out to NAMI. I am not so sure about NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). She wants me to be an advocate but advocating isn’t really my thing.
Because I was curious about what article my therapist has read, I did a search for the author I think she may have been reading. I found two articles that I was interested in and may have been what she read. I didn’t realize when I printed it out that one of them was 67 pages long! I was like WTF. It was a long ass article but I hope to read through it sometime today. The other one was a measly 14 pages in comparison. I might start with the smaller article first as it really is what I am interested in.
I didn’t eat too good yesterday. Today I was hungry so made some boiled eggs and toast. It was good. It is really humid today and hot, though not as hot as the weekend was. I emptied my recycles and have been slowly clearing my bed off so I can change the sheets. It is always such a task to do this. Every time I clear it off I vow never to put stuff on the bed yet I break it within a week or two.
I need to shower today but I am not 100% into it because it is humid in the house. I hate it but my nephew is on vacation. I wish he was working so I could just wrap the towel around me and go to my room to get dressed. I need to shave again. Such a hassle sometimes. I have to be in the mood to do it. Otherwise I just use my electric shaver for a decent shave instead of a close one.
I think I am going to go to Walgreens to get a bar of acne soap. I had an acne wash but my fricken niece used it all on me. I hate that she was using my stuff. I have been having oily skin lately and that is always a recipe for more zits.
Not good enough
I had a difficult session with my therapist. She wanted to know why I didn’t text her when I was feeling suicidal thoughts but did to let her know I was in the ED. She said that I was “struggling” and thing is I really am not. I don’t know what the disconnect is. She keeps assuming things instead of asking how things are. Then she asked what I was going to do when I feel suicidal again and I told her I will manage. She said that wasn’t good enough. I got so frustrated at this point and I got mad. I don’t know what she wants from me. Her response always requires a different answer and I don’t have time to figure it out. I just try and figure things out as things come at me. I feel differently about things. I never feel the same about things. I might want to listen to music by someone specific or I might just want some group with no particular rhyme or reason. I might not want to listen to music. I might want to write instead. It all depends on the level of perturbation I am feeling that will drive what I do to cope. Last resorts will be to call a hotline.
It really bothered me that my therapist said this level of coping wasn’t good enough. I don’t know what she was looking for. I try and do the best I can when I am hit with the darkness and if that isn’t good enough, well, fuck you. I have decided that I am not going to text my therapist anymore. She doesn’t want me to anyways unless it is appointment related. I don’t know why I bother when it isn’t what she wants so I just won’t do it anymore.