great wide open

Great wide open

I did a few errands today and got my haircut. Today is week 60 of my transition so I posted pics on my FB page. I also posted to Twitter for those that aren’t on FB. I then sent the pics to my sisters. My youngest sister said that I looked like my father. I honestly don’t see it. She also said I lost weight. Thirty pounds since April and I still continue to lose. The increase in the Invega dose has increased my appetite some but not to what it was. I do get hungry on some days but I really don’t eat much. A sandwich will be enough to get me through the day. Tomorrow is Turkey day. I will be going over a friend’s house where I know I will stuff my face with turkey and stuffing because it is my favorite meal ever. Actually, turkey and stuffing with cranberry sauce any day of the year is good to me. And mashed potatoes. There used to be this roast beef place that was in front of the hospital where I worked. They sold the best Thanksgiving sandwich. It was amazing. No sandwich has come close to it. I can’t even make it at home. I have tried though. Sometimes I will get the wraps, turkey breast, stuffing, cranberry sauce and roll it all up for a sandwich but it isn’t the same.

Yesterday I had therapy. I don’t see her again for two weeks because she is on vacation. We were talking and I asked in all seriousness, why I should be in therapy. It was a valid question. She had no objection to me not being in therapy though she doesn’t advise to stop as I am suicidal. She wants me to write about why I want to discontinue therapy. I have to think on it. The thing is, since I was 15 I was made to feel that because I was depressed and suicidal, I had to be in therapy. There are millions of people who are depressed and suicidal yet they aren’t in therapy. Some can’t afford it or have insurance for it. I am not saying I don’t have a serious mental illness. I know I do have it. I didn’t have therapy most of this year and have only restarted the last five months as the therapist pointed out. I can’t believe it has been that long but it has been. Time seems to have stopped for me since my psych left. I sent her the transition pics and she is wow’d by the change.

I am not sure why I have to be in therapy. Other than processing old traumas that I have not done doesn’t seem like a good reason for me. I could stay just to process and then move on. I know it won’t help the suicidality much or maybe it will. I don’t know until the trauma is processed. I think the therapist likes me. She didn’t say it yesterday but I just got the sense. I was kind of out of sorts as the voices were not present and I felt so damn alone. I was trying to tell her how alone I felt and she had no clue. It was a tough session. She kept on reading my texts that I sent her. Apparently she can read it from her computer. I don’t know what kind of app that is that does it. I know I was feeling paranoid about her. I kept thinking she was going to laugh at me at any moment. She didn’t but it was a sense so maybe I can’t really judge my senses right now.

Mary Chapin Carpenter is coming out with a new album next year. I don’t know when as she is still in the process of making it. It makes me happy that she will be coming out with new music. Only question will be, will I be around when it does get released.

High levels of pain and new development

My pain level for most of the day has been a 14 since 4 am when I woke up to pee. Ankle/foot have been either together or alternating with the pain. Either my ankle joint is being hacked with an axe, foot bones are being crushed, or now an “L” shaped pain has started which totally prevents me from moving the damn thing. I just want to die and I am racking my brain on how to do it seeing as how I was going to do it didn’t pan out and didn’t work.

Today I found that I have diminished feeling in my privates. I can get slightly aroused but either have a weak orgasm or none at all, which is frustrating. I know I don’t talk about sex that much on here but the disc that is doing whatever to my bladder nerves also controls the nerves to the other parts of my genitalia. Although I wish to have no relationship with it, I have no choice because nerve damage will make phalloplasty difficult so I’ve choose not to have bottom surgery. However, now that this stupid disc is wreaking havoc on these nerves, I might as well not have a sex life of masturbation or with someone of my choosing. Thanks Cauda Equina Syndrome for really fucking up my life, and not in a good way.

As the compression seems to be causing slow diminished effects it is hard to know what level this injury is coming from. It is making me so damn suicidal. But like I said I need to find a way to do it. I still have the ginger plan. It is just finding the ginger to do the trick. I am going to try ginger beer next. Or a ginger shot that I found on Amazon. Sent a pic to my therapist and she got upset with me. Oh well.

I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on. She wants to know what my neurosurgeon says. I am thinking I probably will have to get a new MRI with contrast. I am going to suggest that an IV be placed so access is there. Otherwise, because I am a hard stick, it might be difficult to administer the contrast. My only worry right now is what effect this is going to have on my bowels. Right now I am backed up so I am kind of grateful for that but I need dynamite to get the shit out. OT has suggested Miralax so I am trying that. I am also wondering if the back pain is being masked because of the pain meds I take. Today while looking for a book my back flared up but sort of settled down. Then I was standing doing something when pain said to sit. I’ve been sitting with pain since then but it isn’t above a 4. If it was higher, then surgery would be next on my mind.

I really like my therapist (ptx) even though she is a hard ass. She pushes me and I like that about her. Also, I really didn’t think I had bullshit but she says I do. She wants to keep me on track of what we talk about and stay on it, not derail because I am feeling emotions about it. I am driving her nuts with the text thing. So I’ve decided to send the worrisome stuff to my alt phone so it is out of my system/head.

I can’t really the last time I had a number 2. I was going good for a while now I’ve stopped again. I hate constipation. You might think this is gross or maybe something not to talk about but this is what I deal with and shit I deal with goes on my blog. You don’t like it, find something else to read. I am scared of this development. The whole purpose of not going through phalloplasty was cause I liked my clit a lot. If it is no longer going to work then I am not sure what I am going to do. A sex life isn’t important to me but I’d still like one if it should present itself. If I should find a female I like and we hit it off i don’t want it to end because i can’t function. I never dreamed of having someone long term in my life but i do want someone to cuddle with.

If you are reading this and it cause discomfort due to issues of sexual abuse or something, please let me know and I will place a trigger warning so someone else doesn’t.

Protected: set off in so many ways

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ocean

Ocean

This is Lady Antebellum’s new song and I absolutely love it. Their new album is going to be killer. Even their new song “what I’m leaving for” is so good. I don’t know when the album is going to be released. I am trying to hold off buying things so I can get Luke Combs’ new album to as that comes out later this week.

I woke up too late to give my sister her birthday gift. I sent her a text at midnight wishing her a happy birthday. I got her and my sister (who’s birthday is the 15th) the book by Dr. Jen Gunter, the Vagina Bible. I really enjoyed reading this book because it was so informative. I think it was the last book I finished. I started reading the 6th Harry Potter book and I am half way through. If I spend at least a half a day or two half days I could finish it. I am going to take it with me when I see the neurologist on Tues. It is a long train ride so I hope I can read some of it.

The therapist texted me today after I sent her a meme. She said we needed a time this week and I told her that might not be possible as Tues and Wed are out for me. Traveling to my neuro takes a lot out of me. I really wasn’t planning on seeing her this week anyways. I have an appointment Thursday with my pcp and having three appointments in a week just tires me out. The neuro appointment alone is going to wear me out because it’s more than 45 mins away from me. The pcp appointment is late afternoon. I am thinking about staying if I can ditch the urge to go home right after the appointment. There is a transmen meeting that night that I would like to go to. I just emailed the coordinators to see if there is one this week. I last contacted them back in May. I haven’t gone to the meetings because I have been too scared to go by myself. Meeting new people is so hard for me. The therapist wants me to go to groups and stuff but I am not that much of an outgoing person like I was. Pain has prevented a lot of things for me as well as meeting up socially with people. I wanted to go to the chess club today but totally forgot about it. I wish I put the alarm in my phone. I would have gone rather than gone back to sleep.

I shaved my facial hair off the other day and I am still waiting for the mustache to grow back. I feel naked without it. I had to shave it off because one side was doing its own thing and the other was too. I haven’t shaved since. I pretty much shave the sideburns because I don’t like them getting all thick and shit. I don’t know how to trim them yet so it is just easier to shave them off. I’ll learn one of these days when the beard and everything is more uniform.