Saturday Blog 23012021
My day sort of started at 0400 when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep until almost 0600. I slept until my sister woke me up with her thundering up the stairs to do god knows what to her room. When I came downstairs for coffee, the kitchen table was all a mess. Cleaning products covered the table you couldn’t even sit down. I was pissed. I hate when she does this. I moved a box of the stuff to the floor and left it there. I don’t give a fuck.
I was in pain with my ankle after I had my coffee. I had to go to the post office to drop off a package. I really didn’t want to leave the house because it was cold out and I knew I would be waiting outside for a while before being able to drop off the package. Luckily, they had a click and ship bin in the front so I was able to drop it off without waiting in line. My mother gave me an errand to do for Walgreens so I did that. I was in pain by the time I came home and my mother noticed. My back was flared up. I went up to my room but I didn’t rest for too long. My sister texted me to go back downstairs to watch my mother. I hate that she needs to be babysat. I brought a book down and my new neck and shoulder heat wrap. My shoulders were starting to hurt and they just got worst by the time my sister came home a few hours later. I still am in agony. My left shoulder hurts so damn much. I put some diclofenac gel on it and that seemed to calm some of the soreness down. I am really miserable with this pain. I can’t wait to see the PT on Wed so I can get treated for this. I think I am going to do the dry needling as that is my best option. It is going to hurt like a mofo but it needs to be done. I will take some pain meds for after the session and a bottle of water.
I wanted to clear off my bed today but that didn’t happen. I will have to try tomorrow. I really want to change my sheets and put the new foam topper on. Temps are going to be freezing tonight with the wind chill bringing the temps close to zero or below. The wind today was awful. It really made things colder than what they were. I know I am going to be cold tonight because I still have the AC in my window and the wind comes in pretty good through the vent. I don’t mind. I rather be cold than hot anyways.
I saw my cousin today. She gave me a rollator walker and I gave her some eye drops. It was so good seeing her but so hard not to give her a hug! We socially distanced and wore masks. We made sure to do so because we didn’t want to infect one another in case one of us got it. This virus sucks! I hate it. I miss my cousins so much.
I didn’t go to partial today. I needed to sleep because I was up all night again after I had to pee around 0130. It took me several hours to get back to sleep. I wasn’t in pain I just couldn’t sleep. My mind kept wandering. I felt like blogging but knew if I got on the laptop I would be up all night. Luckily I was asleep by 4. I had already emailed the coordinator of the program I wouldn’t be in today. I got an email from one of them about LGBTQ friendly therapists. I am thinking of changing therapists. I don’t think the therapist I am seeing is right for me anymore. She is good but too good for me. I don’t think I can stand her being such a pusher for DBT.
Yesterday was quite the circus when I had therapy. My sister said I couldn’t use her bedroom so I was in her kitchen which was little to no privacy. I couldn’t talk about what I wanted to talk about so we talked about the Sox for a bit. It was a little chaotic trying to talk to her as my sister was coordinating a move of furniture and she was ordering me to do stuff. It was not how I planned therapy. I almost cried I was so distraught.
I’ve been deeply depressed for most of the day today. I just have been in pain with my shoulders. My right shoulder is now having pain. I hope PT can do both of them but I am not sure. I am going to give dry needling a try. It is supposed to be uncomfortable but from what I read in the material the PT gave me is the best option for my condition. It might be faster than regular therapy. I just know it sucks being in pain every day with this.
I have a zoom call with my cousins tonight. Should be fun. I always enjoy talking with them. These are my cousins from my father’s side of the family. There are about 9 of us total so it is a good group. I love and miss them so much. I can’t wait till covid is done with so we can meet in person again. It really sucks not seeing family members. I am lucky that I live with my mother and I know others can’t see their parents right now. I feel for them. I really do. Right now my older friend has covid. He is asymptomatic as far as I have been told. But that means I can’t see him right now until after this pandemic is done with. It’s too dangerous to see friends, especially with this new variant going around that is supposed to be more contagious than the main virus. I want to get vaccinated but no place around me has yet to provide the vaccine. I am still waiting.
Cramping and don’t know why
Past two days I have felt cramps in my lower abdomen similar to period cramps but I no longer get them and I am worried it could be my bladder as they seem more intense when I am full or close to it. I still don’t have a clear sense to when I am full due to nerve damage I have suffered from. I am supposed to have urodynamic testing to see if my bladder has improved or not but scheduling has been difficult due to Covid. I need to bite the bullet and call to make the appointment. I also need to have a hysterectomy because if these cramps are uterine cramps I want the fucking thing gone. It is totally useless to me.
I have been in a bad mood all weekend, well, not really bad just really depressed and suicidal. I have been in so much pain with my ankle the past few days that the pain is really driving me insane. I’ve had to take more breakthrough meds just to get through the day and then my shoulders have been acting up so I have been in some serious pain last few days. I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it. I haven’t brought it up in group because physical pain is not really a mental health issue, though with it causing me to be suicidal, I guess you can say it is. I just have been zoning out in groups. I have my last week this week, thank god. I will be going five days this week, three groups per day. I tend to go to the first three groups unless the fourth one is interesting and I want to go to it. Then I will skip the DBT one for the fourth. The program had been helpful but now that I find myself in a semi crisis I am finding it didn’t really help that much. I found myself asking “ok, what skill or coping thing can I do”? but nothing was really coming to me as I didn’t know what to fucking do. I was in pain so going downstairs for an ice pack to use the TIPP skill wasn’t possible. I just wanted to die and as instantaneously as possible. Today has been better but these cramps are getting me down. I haven’t been faithfully taking my bladder spasm medication so it is possible my bladder is upset right now.
I just realized I forgot to do my meds this afternoon. I will have to do them soon as I need to take them in about an hour. Can’t believe I forgot. Today has just gotten away with me with all the pain I have been having. I got on my sister’s scale today and found that it was almost a ten pound difference between my scale. So all this time I thought I gained weight, I really lost weight. I feel better about this. My weight has been slowly decreasing over the past few weeks. I am really hoping to lose at least twenty-five pounds so I can have top surgery. I don’t know when I will have it but I hope it will be sometime this year.
The 330 am blog
I’ve been up since 0130 because of pain. My right shoulder hurts and didn’t get better until I got up and started stretching it out a bit. I’ve been in a weird mood since waking up. I feel like I should be suicidal with the amount of pain that I am in but I am not. I don’t know if this is a good sign that I am getting better or what. I think the groups is helping me though I don’t know how because the skills I haven’t learned really. I know what they are but I haven’t worked on them. I have tried the DEAR MAN skill that my therapist wants me to but we had to go over it and then I dissociated afterwards so I don’t remember a thing about what we talked about. I didn’t even know if I had attended the session so I asked her if I did. She said I did. So weird.
I have one more week of groups and then I am done and I don’t think I will go back. It was too stressful. Plus my email kept deleting the emails that the clinicians were sending and I don’t know why that is. I got to make a rule so that it goes to my inbox and nowhere else.
My therapist wants me to send her screenshots of the handouts I am given during groups. I think she wants to make sure I am going and I find this irritating. I feel like she doesn’t trust me. The agreement was that I would text her and Then I would have a response to what I was texting. Thing is the past few days I haven’t had any responses to what I text her about. I feel like this is a one way street again.
I haven’t really participated in group that past few days. I listen but I have been getting bored. Even the group that I thought would be interesting was a flop. I didn’t like it at all. I have been going to the first three groups because those are the most important ones as they are mostly clinical. The first one is just a check in and the other two are either CBT or DBT groups. I find it interesting that they are using both therapies in the program. Both are useful, don’t get me wrong and they do work to their own extent.
I love the therapist that I have in the program. He is so energetic and empathetic and fun to work with. He is a really good guy and I love when he leads groups because he makes them fun instead of boring. He brings this energy that is positive and soothing. I love it. I am going to miss him when I leave. I feel like I should write him an email but I think I will wait as it is the weekend. I am surprised the hospital doesn’t recognize MLK day. It is this Monday and my therapist is off but the program is on. Very weird.
I have put back the weight I lost. I am disappointed in this because I was able to go below 200 and now I am a few pounds over. My struggle with weight is so finicky. It all depends on my appetite and if I eat regularly. Lately I have just been eating one meal a day because I usually full and don’t want to eat anything else for the day. This talking about eating is making me hungry. I think I am going to make scrambled eggs with cheese. I just hope we have the bread.