The pain game
Since around 2100 yesterday, I have been in constant pain. My only reprieve has been when the pain meds actually have taken some of the throbbing away. Last night it was my toes that were in agony. Tonight, the top of my ankle, where the foot and ankle meet is the subject of tonight’s pain game. This type of pain, I have been having most of the day, since 0530. I have been on pain meds around the clock. I just took a strong pain pill because I don’t know what else to do.
I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I plan on telling her how suicidal I am. I am risking my freedom in doing so, but I feel she should know. Maybe, if I am bold, I might tell her she is better off without me and that I will be dying soon. Probably not the best way to talk to a psychiatrist, but I am tired of just saying things are fine when they aren’t. I might pose to her a theoretical situation and see what her response is. I also want to convey to her that if I should die, it’s not her fault. She has been with me for 24 years and has done the best she could do for me. Between the pain and the voices that keep telling me that I deserve to die and should kill myself, there is nothing more that can be done.
I’m tired of this Merry-go-round that I am on. It just keeps spinning and there is no getting off. I am wicked dizzy from it. And this time I have made up my mind to end things, to get off the go round for once and for all.
I never did take that nap that I wanted. My mother decided to clean the oven. It’s a self cleaning oven so she turn it on but didn’t realize that when you have grease, you can’t use it. The kitchen and the house filled up with smoke and it still smells terrible. I thought my mother just burned something in the oven but I guess that wasn’t the case, per se.
I had a friend that commented on my Twitter post about being in pain. She can’t believe it hasn’t “gone away” yet. She doesn’t understand chronic pain. It never goes away. Or it might for a little while and then will come back with a vengeance. I have found some like minded “spoonies” on Twitter. It’s been helpful to know that I am not alone with my CRPS and chronic pain issues. We don’t talk about being suicidal or how it affects our moods, however.