the pain game

The pain game

Since around 2100 yesterday, I have been in constant pain. My only reprieve has been when the pain meds actually have taken some of the throbbing away. Last night it was my toes that were in agony. Tonight, the top of my ankle, where the foot and ankle meet is the subject of tonight’s pain game. This type of pain, I have been having most of the day, since 0530. I have been on pain meds around the clock. I just took a strong pain pill because I don’t know what else to do.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I plan on telling her how suicidal I am. I am risking my freedom in doing so, but I feel she should know. Maybe, if I am bold, I might tell her she is better off without me and that I will be dying soon. Probably not the best way to talk to a psychiatrist, but I am tired of just saying things are fine when they aren’t. I might pose to her a theoretical situation and see what her response is. I also want to convey to her that if I should die, it’s not her fault. She has been with me for 24 years and has done the best she could do for me. Between the pain and the voices that keep telling me that I deserve to die and should kill myself, there is nothing more that can be done.

I’m tired of this Merry-go-round that I am on. It just keeps spinning and there is no getting off. I am wicked dizzy from it. And this time I have made up my mind to end things, to get off the go round for once and for all.

I never did take that nap that I wanted. My mother decided to clean the oven. It’s a self cleaning oven so she turn it on but didn’t realize that when you have grease, you can’t use it. The kitchen and the house filled up with smoke and it still smells terrible. I thought my mother just burned something in the oven but I guess that wasn’t the case, per se.

I had a friend that commented on my Twitter post about being in pain. She can’t believe it hasn’t “gone away” yet. She doesn’t understand chronic pain. It never goes away. Or it might for a little while and then will come back with a vengeance. I have found some like minded “spoonies” on Twitter. It’s been helpful to know that I am not alone with my CRPS and chronic pain issues. We don’t talk about being suicidal or how it affects our moods, however.

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About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to the pain game

  1. I’m so sorry your ankle and foot just keep on plaguing you. I just had a thought: have you seen a podiatrist? I always thought podiatrists were people who couldn’t get into med school, which is what we were told in med school. Then I was assigned a PA (as my assistant in my evening clinic) who was also a podiatrist. When we both had a minute waiting for labs to come back, I’d pick his brain about podiatry. I tell you what, that was a sea change for me. There is so much to know about the platform of the body, the feet and ankles! Podiatrists are much more holistic than MDs. They see things on a different level. Of course it’s necessary to do the research and find a good one. I’ve had good and not so good ones. Have you already been down that avenue?

    • G. Collerone says:

      yes, I have. I was in so much pain when I saw him and he convinced me that the nerve near my ankle was the cause I allowed him to give me a nerve block. It worked for about 26 hours, wore off, and then I was in the worse pain in my life for 3 days straight. Never again will I get a shot of any kind.

      • A double-edged sword. He was able to demonstrate that that nerve was the culprit, but RSD has a hair trigger….such a bummer. Did you go back and tell him what happened? As a physician/acupuncturist, I am careful to tell patients that I want to know how the treatment affects them, whether it’s relief or whether it’s exacerbation or anything else, because this is how we gain understanding of the underlying process. So many times, if people have increased pain after a treatment of some kind, they never let the doctor know. Of course there are some doctors who either get defensive or dismissive, and those need to be left in “past tense,” but I think most really do want to know. I tell my patients that we are partners in healing, so I need to understand how they responded to any intervention. Then again, I have always had a phone nurse whose job is to call people in 24-48 hrs to see how they are doing. I’m so sorry you had a taste of relief and then crashed…

      • G. Collerone says:

        yes, I let him and my PCP know that I would not be seeking further treatment. The stupid RN then emails me saying that they would tell my PCP. I see him and he wants me to see yet another doctor, at the time. I was like wTF, isn’t 18 doctors enough??? They still haven’t officially given me the diagnosis of CRPS because there is no color change but I have to have some kind of pain syndrome for me to be in this much pain. Just sucks that I have no answers after 6 years of pain

      • I’m sorry. I wish I could help you somehow. It breaks my heart that you’re suffering so.

      • G. Collerone says:

        thanks. Having you as a dear friend is helping me more than you know. 🙂

  2. Diane says:

    Hi, just came across your blog and I’m interested in reading your book. I am 37 years old and I’ve had chronic pain for 7 years.
    Having never suffered mental health problems (other than a lack of motivation) I have recently had a 4 month period of 24hr depression, anxiety and panic attacks. The worst night I drove to the hospital and told them I was suicidal as I needed help for the sake of my children. 6 hours of waiting and that help never came.
    With the help of my Doctor we have found that it was the high doses of Lyrica causing my symptoms. I am still tapering off it but feeling more myself every day thank God.

    My pain levels have gradually increased despite surgery and I’m now at the point where I can only sleep when my pain meds kick in (I’m on Morphine). I’m up now at 4am with the amount of pain that would send most people to the hospital.
    I know that I have slow onset CES. I’m waiting for complete incontinence to kick in – only then will they operate. I’ve had my second surgery cancelled twice. I’ve been on the waiting list for 2 years.

    There’s one thing I’ve learned from my experience and this is probably unique to my particular pain and mental health problems. That thing is that I’ll take the physical pain rather than the mental anguish I suffered recently. I started to accept that I would not see my children grow up as I would take my own life. I felt I had no choice – no one could be expected to function with that level of mental torture. Thankfully it seems it was just a chemical imbalance.
    That said, maybe one day my pain levels will become too much and cause my brain to malfunction again. I know chronic pain can cause depression.

    I’m also now very sympathetic towards anyone with depression or anxiety. I never knew how hopeless life could seem. To be able to laugh, be happy and feel love are the greatest gifts.

    • G. Collerone says:

      I’m sorry you are suffering. Please try and get surgery BEFORE the incontinence for CES. You don’t want irrepairable nerve damage, which will happen. I have seen it. I never had incontinence when I had my surgeries but I did have leakage when I had my second diagnosis. i have had CES twice in my life. Hope to god I never have a third. feel free to email me any time at collerone at yahoo dot com if you want to talk. I always have my phone with me, and it’s on. Only time i won’t hear it is when I am slumber. Good to hear from you and I wish you well.

  3. manyofus1980 says:

    I am so sorry the fucking pain is plaguing you. it just sucks I want to kick that god damn pains ass! you never get reprieve from it. its not fair. know that I am always thinking of you every day even if I am behind on blog posts and I read everything. xxx

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