Don’t you

Don’t you

Don’t you is a new song on Fearless Taylor version. It is my new favorite song. I have been listening to it since I left PT an hour ago. I have had a long day and I know I usually set a 500 word limit for myself but today has been a fucking day. I started the day with an appointment with urology. I have been given strict orders on how long between voids. I usually have 6 hours but they want it to be 4 especially if I have been drinking a lot and can’t go. Which means that if I can’t go on my own, I have to cath. I’ve also been given a hat to measure my urine. If I am going between the 4-6 hours and have a lot of urine >300mLs, I need to go more frequently. This is to prevent my bladder from stretching. Which means putting myself on a fricken timer for bladder reminders. Fuck. I thought I was done with this shit. Things were going so fucking well and now they suck. I really don’t want to be thinking of bladder function all the damn time. This just really sucks.

I came home and was dizzy. I had bought a Gatorade while waiting for the bus and drank that. I was going to wait to order food but as I was dizzy I thought I should eat something so I ordered a big mac. It’s all I’ve eaten today and probably will be. I just came home from PT and feel more dizzy than I did this afternoon so I am just going to drink Gatorade and rest. My blood pressure is normal so that is good. I know I am probably dehydrated because I haven’t been drinking throughout the day. I also been sweating a lot so that just adds to my exhaustion. I really hope that I can get up tomorrow morning for my vaccine appointment.

PT has gone well. My shoulder is much better than it was four months ago. Today was my last session for it. Next week I start the covid deconditioning program at the PT place. I already know it is going to take a lot out of me. I was working on one the machines today and did five minutes, twenty-two seconds and I was perspiring and exhausted from it. It is one of the machine the PT said I would be using so yay. She was testing my shoulder to see how I would do.

I am completely exhausted. But I wanted to write a blog because it has been days since I last wrote. I am going to watch China Beach and rest the rest of the day before med time.

Don’t call me daughter 6

Don’t call me daughter 6

Yesterday I was in the kitchen with my mother and I was in a mood. I wasn’t feeling so great and just wanted to do what I needed to and go back to my room. My mother was there and asked what was wrong. She wanted me to talk to her. Fuck that. She lost that right when she refused to call me son. From now on I will correct her when she is misgendering me. But I am not going to talk to her for any reason other than what goes on in the house. I am not going to talk to her like I did before about my ailments and doctor appointments. She is getting to be the egg donor and if that is what it takes to cut off feelings from her then so be it.

I’ve been having a hard time with the cramps. I don’t know if they are uterine or bladder related but as an experiment, I cathed and felt relief at first only to have severe pain afterwards.  I don’t know what to make of it and I have cathed since. Taking a double dose of Miralax was a bad idea. I had colon blow and woke up with crap in my pants. Luckily, I didn’t get any on the bed. I had to shower and what is worse my mother had to use the bathroom so I was so embarrassed. I need to time taking it right. Thing is it is so unpredictable when it works. It could be a few hours or could be a day. There is no time table to expect when to go.

I am still have cramps and being really down about it. I called my gyn to make an appointment for the exam. It is in May. I see the uro NP this week so I am going to tell her and ask for a urine culture to be done just to be sure I don’t have an infection that could be causing this. I really am not looking forward to surgery again but there is little choice I have. Once the offending organ is gone is should be apparent what is causing what. I doubled my bladder spasms pill yesterday to see if it would help and it did a little bit. Maybe this is bladder related. I won’t know until the uterus is gone. I got my bladder on a schedule again. I didn’t want to do it but I have gone past the six hours I am supposed to go. I can’t keep holding on to my urine for so long. It could be why I have spasms as well.

I wonder if my mother is ashamed of me and that is why she doesn’t want to call me son. It would make sense. I don’t get the sense she is proud of me. I just don’t understand why she can’t accept her child. This bothers me so much. When you bring it up to her, she is dismissive. Then I think about all the abuse she put me through and it just makes me so sad and angry. She used her trust as a mother to do her evil bidding of abusing and touching me when she had no right to touch or look. I get mad at my pediatrician who documented all these things and didn’t do a damn thing about it.

exhausted

Exhausted

I’ve been listening to “tis the damn season” by Taylor Swift since noon time. Just a damn good song. I went to PT. It went well. I had to get some dry needling on my shoulder because it became hard as a rock. I need to put some heat on it later. We discussed Covid and she said there was a conditioning program that my PCP can refer me to so that I can get my strength back. I said I would get the referral when I got home.

After PT, I went to the square to get my ATM card to my name instead of my dead name. It took about a half hour. The weather got colder and there were snow flurries. I got a wrap at the grocery store so I would have something to eat for my dinner. It was a good turkey with brie and cranberry sauce. It is my favorite kind of wrap.

I am in my room and I am freezing. I just want to get under the covers and sleep. I am totally exhausted. My legs are killing me. Today is my niece’s birthday but I don’t think I am going to go to her party as it isn’t until 7 and I am really tired right now. I just told my sister I wasn’t going down for cake. I am too tired. I am having bladder cramps and they are really bad. I came close to having cath tonight because it had been more than 6 hours since I last voided. I am not in a good space right now. I feel like my body is failing me and I am so upset with the gender dysphoria of having cramps that feel like period cramps. I still don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder giving me these cramps. But it is going on three days now.

I bought some BZK wipes in case I do have to cath. Least I can wipe myself and not have to worry so much about getting an infection. I just put them in the bathroom. I feel like the cramps are my fault that I should have gone to the bathroom sooner or something but if anything the cramps should be going away now that my bladder is empty and it is not. I am so frustrated that I can’t tell if it is my uterus or not. I shouldn’t have a uterus to begin with for fucks sake. I really need to see the gyn so I can get a hysterectomy and be done with it. The dysphoria I am having with these stupid cramps is horrible. I really just want to die. I want to act on my thoughts. I won’t though for the sole reason this will pass, eventually. I am going to call the gyn tomorrow and see if I can schedule an appointment to see her for the female exam that I hate so much. I am overdue for the test and she needs to do a pre op exam. I am not looking forward to this exam at all. But I can’t put it off anymore. The cramping needs to stop.

showered and now wiped out

Showered and now wiped out

I had some energy this morning so I made my coffee and had my biscuits that I have with it. I was thinking about what to do today and I needed a shower. It had been a week since I last had one. So after I had my breakfast, I got my clothes together and went to the bathroom. My moustache needed a trim so I did that and then took a shower. It was exhausting. My back cramped up at least three times. I had to sit. I felt so exhausted afterwards I just wanted to nap. I still am thinking of napping but I need to get to the bank because when they replaced my card,  they put the wrong name on my card. It is my deadname. I don’t understand how this happened but I need to physically go to the bank now to fix it or I won’t be able to have access to my funds.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. It was a good walk but I am exhausted after going. I had just enough energy for it after eating. My T shirt is really baggy on me. I must be a large now. My size 38 pants had plenty of room at the waist. I lost like 15 lbs. I am trying to feel good about this. I had a long discussion of this with my therapist yesterday. She said what my father said to me is abuse. I need to talk about it to get over it. He always called me fat and ugly all my life. I am not sure how to get over this. It is something I have struggled with for years and now that he is dead it is just harder because I still hear his voice.

I am struggling this year with his death. Memories of that day still linger. It is like a distant memory but I remember the details of that day as if it were yesterday. I remember at the wake I had my niece take a picture of him because that is how I wanted to remember him rather than the emancipated look at his death. I knew he was going to die that day soon as I walked into his room at the nursing home. We arranged to have him taken to his apartment and I was the one that rode the ambulance with him on the way there. His breathing changed after we hit a pothole and I told him he couldn’t die yet. Not until he was home. He lived for another two hours when we got to his house. My sisters and I were having something to eat when he passed. I had a mini panic attack as I couldn’t find the nurse’s number to call to tell her he died. She had just left an hour prior to his death. Funny how much I remember from that day.

I am feeling down today. I am not feeling suicidal just depressed. I was able to eat. I ordered two filet o fish but only had half of the second one. I am feeling pretty full. I still want to make bacon that I bought. I just hate cleaning up after bacon. So messy. I had bought the pre cooked kind but it didn’t come with my order as it was out of stock. I am debating taking a nap. I think I need one. I haven’t been keeping tabs on my bladder. If I have to go, I will go but I am not timing myself like I did before. If it happens to be a long while then I will just go to the toilet and see what happens. Usually I am able to go.