Tag Archives: insomnia

The Ups and Downs of Being Bipolar

Today has been an up and down, all around day. I had another rough sleep, though pain had something to do with it as usual. Around 1 am, I felt energetic, like hypomanic. I also got the writing urge and I knew the bipolar part of my illness was showing itself. I can understand why as I have had shitty sleeps for I don’t know how many days in a row, being up all night. When I woke up, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I shut off my med alarm but didn’t take my meds. I got up about a half hour later and it was too late to take them. I did my bathroom routine and then pondered what to do.

I was feeling really low and sluggish. I felt like canceling my appt with my psychiatrist but really wanted to give her the card I got her. I left at the time I planned on going. I didn’t bring my cup. I forgot. I decided to wear my sneakers rather than the AFO to see how my ankle would do. Maybe using it wouldn’t cause me pain. By the time I got into town, that proved to be a mistake.

I got to Starbucks and just had espresso. I had a bowl of cereal before I left the house as I was hungry and had time to eat. I was really sleepy while I was at Starbucks. I tried to write but nothing was really coming to me, least not while I wanted to take a nap. I didn’t even play with my phone. I just listened to music and was getting annoyed with the passing cars glinting sun in my eyes. I was sitting by the glass door. It sucked. I left to go to the train station and by the time I got there, my ankle was cursing me. Great. I seemed to be off with the timing of the train so I just drank my espresso while waiting for it.

I got to the building where my psych is and had to use the bathroom. There was someone using the disability stall so I used the normal one. I hate them because it makes me claustrophobic. It is so tiny. For some reason, my backpack weighed a ton. I don’t understand why as there really isn’t much in it other than 3 small notebooks and my journal. I was carrying the bag for my psych but it didn’t weigh that much. It is annoying me. Everything was annoying me. I just wanted to get home.

I saw my psych and she was appreciative of the chocolate and card, though she didn’t open it. I felt like it had been ages since I last saw her as there has been so much going on. I told her about the pain psychologist and she said that was huge. I told her I had an appt with a pain MD Friday. I don’t know what happened while talking to her but I was off to the races. Things were spilling out left and right. In the span of the 20 minutes or so, I was talking about everything. I told her about my troubles with my new story and she understood. She didn’t say anything but was cautious about it. She knows how much my past caused me to lose my sense of reality and I told her I didn’t want this story to make me become unstable, least not more than I am already. She had no insights into the functional program that the PT and the pain psychologist wanted me to go to. I asked what would be the point in going. I haven’t been able to find an answer to this question. I might email my PT. I just worry that if going back to work is the goal, then that might be a problem as I don’t want to lose my benefits. If I lose my long term disability or my social security, I won’t be able to get them back, ever. My writing is good but I doubt I am going to be the next JK Rowling or Neil Gaiman. And it’s not like I collect money from my blog so that is out. I have no idea what my job would be. But I am getting ahead of myself. Right now none of that is possible unless my pain is controlled to a livable level, and it is not right now.

My psych said I was all over the place, and I was as I had sent her emails in my lowest of lows, mostly due to pain. I don’t know if I told her about being suicidal. Those, thankfully, have been passing thoughts and haven’t stuck around. I am not surprised because I was sending her emails about my pain and how it was affecting me. Over the weekend, I was really angry. Then I was depressed and now I am kind of hypomanic. I am not feeling euphoric or happy. I just feel kind of upbeat.

I left her office and she said to stay in touch. I told her I would. I had a million ideas running through my head and I wanted to write them all down. I got to the train station and figured I would get the title of today’s blog done so I did that. The train came so I just read Facebook until I got to the Square again. I had about 20 minutes for the bus home, so I figured I would write the damn story. Except, I didn’t know what to write on, my phone or my notebook. It was agonizing me to decide. I pulled out the outline I had on my phone and this story line was there, but nothing else. Just three fucking words. I became paralyzed again, writing wise. Then things slowed down to their normal level. I wasn’t so racy.

After dinner, I wanted to write the blog. I opened my laptop and like I usually do, I read twitter before I open Word. I read about the school shooting. I was sad and angry that this happened again. The usual things occurred. The shooter was white so wasn’t shot to death. He didn’t kill himself. Seventeen people died. There were reports of him having mental illness. Mental illness doesn’t make anyone a killer!!! Someone with mental illness is more likely to be a VICTIM of violence than to cause it. But because of our fucked up society that has to put blame, sure they are mentally ill because a fucking sane white person wouldn’t do this. It sickens me. Then the reports of how much each Republican Senator was paid by the NRA was reported. It’s like fucking clockwork. Things will die down in a few days and then it will happen in another school, which it fucking shouldn’t!! Kids should be fucking safe where they learn for fucks sake!! They shouldn’t have to learn how to cope with their friends being shot to death and being terrorized by a gunman at their school. Congress needs to take action of some sort or the States have to. Someone has to! This can’t keep happening. America shouldn’t be known for mass murders yet it is. All because of the 2nd Amendment? I don’t think the founding fathers wanted kids to die by shootings or having their countrymen shot to death in mass numbers by civilians.

Needless to say, I couldn’t write my blog anymore. I watched Titanic, Disc 1. I am not going to watch Disc 2 where 1500 people die. I am thinking of the kids that died today that shouldn’t have.

Painsomnia Strikes Again

Painsomnia Strikes Again

So after I read three chapters of Tex, I was getting sleepy. I twittered for a while before a chat began that I didn’t want to participate in. All day a certain part of my ankle had been throbbing and feeling like it was being dug into. When I decided to sleep, all fucking hell broke loose. My metatarsals, particularly the heads, starting hurting. And the pain piggy backed from there. Ankle. Metatarsals and back again. I took a strong pain pill, hoping it would settle down. That was about two hours ago. Now in addition to these pains, other parts of my foot and ankle are hurting. They are lighting up like a Christmas tree. I just want to lie down and sleep but I know if I try, I might be in more pain. I haven’t tried yet. I just took some gabapentin as now my foot is on fire as well. I didn’t take it earlier because I didn’t think it would get to this point.

Time is now 0115. I need to be up in about 8 hours. I doubt I will sleep that long. I never do unless there are interruptions. I might lie down and see if anything bad happens. I just don’t want to play the lie down and sit up game that my foot likes to play. I have the bad foot out from under the blankets. It sometimes help with dealing with the nerve pain because the slight pressure of the sheets and blankets irritate my skin nerves. I keep it out until it gets cold and then put it back under to warm it up. That is the other game it likes to play, out and in.

Wish me luck. I am going to lie down and try and get comfy. I hope my sister got me the body pillow I asked her to get me for my Xmas/bday gift. I think I will be more comfortable on that than just a head pillow. The nice thing about the body pillow that I wanted was that it had different positions you can put the pillow in so you can sit up in bed while reading or using a laptop, with your back being supported. I tend to lean forward when I am sitting as my spine is that way. Sitting straight up hurts my back but having a pillow near my lower back does help. The past few days I have just been house bound, going out for just 10-20 minutes at a day. It sucks because when I walk down the street, it kills my legs because I don’t use them enough. It’s hard to go out every day when a) you’re in pain and b) depression kills the motivation you have to go out. Just brushing my teeth was hard. But I did it.


I was pushing for 0200 to go to sleep but i had to pee and then brush my teeth as my mouth felt yucky.  I haven’t brushed in two days so i really needed to get rid of the yuck.

Pain has been keeping me up. Started with my metatarsals and then moved up to my ankle bones. I took extra meds and 1200 mg of neurontin. It hurt so bad, not as bad as it was last week. I figure I would write as sleep isn’t coming just yet. I am really tired. I’ve been playing with my phone. Making grocery lists for tomorrow, making a coping plan on one of the apps I downloaded. Dr. Jobes is supposed to come out with a mobile app. I can’t wait.

I’ve been fighting the suicidal urges. I can’t help it as I feel so rotten and hopeless. Pain is really bringing me down. I’ve posted my distress on Twitter but no one has said anything. 

I printed put the RMV forms for name change and stuff. I don’t need a letter from my doc to give to them. I do need to being some bank statements and stuff to prove who I am. Which reminds me, I nees to call the cable company to change my name. I hope I can do it online. To change everything on my license will be about $75, I think. 

I still need to call HR at my work place to find put when I will be getting an updated insurance card. I just need the one for prescriptions so i can change it at the pharmacy. So many things needing changing.

Dammit, my bone pain in my foot is back. I’m not going to sleep tonight. Ao much for wanting to do one errand later today. Maybe I will in the late afternoon. 

I am ordering some stuff from Amazon. I saw a body pillow that converts into a nice back pillow and arm rest so you can read. It is $60. Hope it is worth it. I’ll get it next week, hopefully. My online grocery order keeps going up and down. I order stuff then take it off. I really want to make a spinach, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich or burrito. I still haven’t made a burrito since I’ve been home from the hospital. I jist have been in too much pain to cook.

Painsomnia is the worst. My foot feels so awful right now and i can’t take anymore meds. I am going to try and sleep now and see if I will be successful. Wish me luck!

Up and at ’em 2

Up and at em?

I woke up at 0145, from a sound sleep, because of pain. Now I can’t get back to sleep so I thought I would write for a bit and see if that works. I took my pain meds, both of them. I am thinking of taking an Ativan but will see if I am sleepy in an hour once the pain meds have a chance to work.

My pain has settled down some but my brain has not. I decided to charge my Bluetooth headphones because it’s been a while since they were last charged. I have to watch my niece on Tuesday so I am thinking of taking her to the museum of fine arts. It all depends of how today goes for me. I want to make bacon for breakfast. Usually, that takes a lot out of me. I took two of my “extra strong” pain pills (Dove dark chocolate). It was yummy and hit the spot.

The damn birds are chirping. I don’t fucking believe it and it’s not even daylight out!! It’s 0300! Not even close to dawn. So damn annoying!! They even chirp in the evening too, usually at dusk. If I had a bazooka, I’d shoot them. Damn birds!

I have decided I am going to come up with a list of things to work on in therapy when my therapist is back from vacation. I think it will be a good idea so that there is a plan in place. We don’t have to stick with it but it’s something to do other than me talk the whole session about my past PTSD experiences and such. I know that he is collecting information about me as he doesn’t know me and I just expect him to. I know that is kind of stupid as he is new and doesn’t know a thing about me. Just wishful thinking I guess.

Dammit! I just moved my ankle and it exploded. My ankle down to my toes are hurting really bad. Damn pain syndrome! I never know what is going to cause a flare up and now I am again thinking of ending my life. It’s such a trigger for me to be in intense pain and then thinking of wanting to end my life. It doesn’t happen all the time but it’s happening more and more because I do have a plan to end it. Might not be the best plan but I hope it will work.

I am going to tell the therapist about this because this is the second time in about a week that I have had intense suicidal thoughts when I have intense pain. Maybe he and I can work on some kind of strategy to combat the thoughts so that I don’t resort to wanting to end my life. Dealing with chronic pain is so damn difficult. I never know what brings it on and it can be the slightest movement or thing that I have done a thousand times before but it sets off pain. It’s a real stress situation because you are always wondering if this time it will set it off or not. Like putting on or taking off socks. Or getting more comfortable on my bed while lying down and boom, the movement of my leg sets off ankle pain or toe pain. It’s so frustrating. It makes you not want to do anything but these movements don’t always cause pain so you are just confused and pissed off. Not that you want to be in pain every time you put on socks or take them off, but that the possibility is there.

UGH, I am getting annoyed and it’s not helping to go back to sleep. I guess I am angry that the pain woke me up from a good dream. I don’t remember it but it was something to do with being cared for. I felt really good in the dream, like there was a relief in it.

I have been thinking of starting my diet again of drinking protein shakes for two weeks. I don’t think I will start today because I want bacon. But I think I will substitute a meal for a shake. I heard that is a good way to lose weight. I would do a cereal diet but all I have are cocoa pebble and I don’t think that will help me lose weight because of the sugar in it. If I could just lose ten pounds I would be happy. It’s so damn hard to lose yet it’s so easy to gain. I know the Neurontin doesn’t help me. I can easily gain five pounds without even changing my diet too much. I think it’s mostly water weight because soon as I stop taking it, I lose the extra weight. It is frustrating because I need this medication yet I don’t want to gain weight from it. There isn’t another medication that I can take that works as well as this one. I have tried Lyrica and Lamotagrine. It didn’t really help the nerve pain at all and just made me sick.

I am glad my therapy appointments are in the afternoon because it gives me a chance to wake up and relax a bit if my night was shitty. It doesn’t always work out that way but at least I can go to Starbucks and write a little in my journal before the appointment. I can either go to the Square or Central because there is a Starbucks right at the corner when you exit the station.

I hope I go to sleep soon. It’s really hot in my room but with the damn birds chirping I know it will be louder if I open my window. That will annoy me and it will be hard to get to sleep. Maybe I will take a shower to cool off some. I am kind of sweaty, even though I took a shower yesterday. It might exhaust me some and let me go to sleep afterwards. We’ll see.

So Effin Tired

So effin tired

Last night, again, I woke up in the middle of the night and was up for a couple of hours, unable to get back to sleep. I had a bowl of cereal and then I was able to sleep for a few hours. I am totally exhausted and don’t want to do shit today. I had to place a few phone calls today but I’m in no mood to talk to anyone. I will call tomorrow.

I just emailed my psychiatrist. I just feel so sad that I don’t have anyone else to vent to, other than my blog. While I was up in the middle of the night, I opened my window because my room was much too warm. I have it at a comfortable temp right now, as long as the heat doesn’t kick on again. It’s raining today so I am keeping an eye on the window to make sure no water comes in. That wouldn’t be good.

I haven’t eaten anything since getting up about a half hour ago. I was trying to go back to sleep but my foot was having none of it. Then the birds and a dog was making noise. I just gave up. I just want to lie down as sitting up is giving me a headache. I just don’t feel well because of my lack of sleep, or rather, interrupted sleep.

I still feel sad over seeing my aunt not so well yesterday. I wish there was something I could do to make her better but she is old and there is nothing really that can be done. I know one day she is no longer going to be with us, and that hurts me. I just love her so much.

I can’t believe how much my ankle/foot is hurting me today. It might be because of the weather or all the cooking I did yesterday afternoon. But I didn’t do anything today as I really haven’t left my bed except to go to the bathroom. I took my pain meds and am waiting for them to work. Seems I am always waiting for meds to work. It’s tiring. I am so fed up with it.