Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping
I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.
I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.
I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.
I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.
Here are my posts from social media past few days. Still not feeling well to give a new version yet…
Nothing is worse than waking up with reflux and feeling there is something stuck in your esophagus. Tried everything I can think of to bring it down or up and nothing is working. Body a gazillion, me 0. Managed 3 hours sleep until fricken bladder woke me up. Took some melatonin. Don’t care if I sleep all day. Today is T shot so if I am up to it will post pics of transition provided I don’t look like shit.
Just when I thought my 24+ hours of being awake were over, foot started vibrating. Never fails. 20 mins after I lay down foot or ankle decide to act up. To say I am exhausted is an understatement. Got a theory…my brain must be so fried from the horrible heel pain (which is worse than the CRPS pain and NOTHING works to bring it down to bearable levels) it can’t relax. Every noise is magnified x100 so I jump, thus keeping me up. My radiator is the chief cause when it kicks on as it makes different fricken noises. And late at night when the house is quiet as I don’t have the noise from my Mother’s TV watching. Melatonin arrived today so will be trying it tomorrow. Haven’t gone downstairs for the mail yet. Hope it works or I’m gonna go insane
Been up for 40+ hours. Going back to bed now. Even though it is currently 145pm EST. Sorry I haven’t been writing. Thanks to all who have been reading despite my absence.
Insomnia strikes again
I had about a 4 hour sleep and had to go to the pharmacy to see if I could get my pain meds filled today so I didn’t have to go tomorrow. My mother needed her meds picked up so I went. I looked in the shaving section to see if they had any good after shave. They had a Nivea one that was on sale so I got that. I should have the one I bought on Amazon delivered today but want to try different ones and see what I like.
I left my BFF a video clip, like I do daily. And then she sent me some voice clips and I just love hearing her voice because of her Canadian accent. It is funny that we both like the way we talk. She was telling me she likes how my face has these expressions while I talk. HAHA just me. I sort of notice them while I am speaking but never thought much of them.
I am in a lot of pain today. The barometric pressure went up 0.22 points. And while I was walking home from the pharmacy, my ankle gave out on me. So it was the longest walk home in a while. The street that leads to my house always seems like a mile long but because my ankle was being a fuck, it just seemed like a thousand miles. I didn’t bring my cane because I am not that used to carrying it all the time. It was a short walk so didn’t think to bring it. I think if I was going to the Square or to an appointment, I probably would have remembered to bring it. I regretted it anyways. My aunt was visiting and OMG she an my mother ganged up on me on am I seeing the right doc and seeing this person or what can be done for you talk. I need my meds and need to rest in bed. That is what I need. Maybe my dose of my pain meds needs to be increased but I am too doubtful this will happen so don’t bring it up when I see the doctors anyways. And they NEVER ask if the meds ARE helping the pain. Because if I tell them there is a problem, it becomes a big deal and more work and I just feel like why bother. Even though that IS THE REASON I HAVE THESE APPOINTMENTS!!! It just gets so tiring to go and not be heard or be told I need to see another doctor because my chickenshit PCP is too scared to think outside the box and treat something that shouldn’t be so fucking difficult. He has the same damn license as the other doctor so I don’t understand the problem. If he is prescribing me my pain meds I don’t understand why he can’t increase the dose to see if that helps my flares but I always get talked down about it. Damn crisis and CDC guidelines. Fucking ruining chronic pain patients. This is why I want to end things this year. I have a semi plan building. I have a date but have yet to put any of it in action yet. I wanted to see if my psychiatrist was going to back me up and she isn’t so I really have no other choice. I can’t live like this. It has been a year. I tried, it failed, so why go on???
I just got my new baking cooling racks and my mother yelled “I got a lot of them”. I said yea and they are small! These are bigger! The new after shave balm I bought has a nice scent to it. So now I get to choose, Nivea or American. Going to trash the Gillette one. It burns when I use it, probably because it has alcohol in it. Going downstairs to retrieve the box has really flared up my ankles. So I am going to pop some gabapentin and hope to go back to sleep. My mother is making vegetables, which she will probably have for supper. I don’t like rabe so will have either chicken pattie or cold cuts. Whenever the pain goes down, I plan on making breakfast burritos and freezing them. They will be a nice thing to have and easy to reheat on days I hurt too much to want to cook.
These are my posts I have made on social media tonight describing the infuriating pain of complex regional pain syndrome or CRPS (formerly known as RSD). One of the paragraphs is to my wonderful, understanding psychiatrist which explains the vein popping of a flare. I don’t get the normal discoloration of CRPS. I get the swelling and pain and allodynia. This is my 2nd night of not sleeping. I’ve maxed out on meds except one, ativan which I shall take shortly. Hopefully it relaxes me enough that I can lay down and sleep. I really hate nights like this but a storm is coming so will be hurting all weekend. Barometric pressure has been so up and down, I can’t keep track of it anymore. It is painful when it like this. Not only do I flare but my joints stiffen and spine aches from arthritis. No one understands the battle so I try and be as descriptive as possible so some understanding can be understood.
Was just sitting in my bed leaning back on my headboard as ankle bone pain course through every bone in my ankle. Then all of a sudden went down through all my foot bones and I started laughing. This has never happened before. One or the other but never both and I am so deliriously tired I don’t care and so I am laughing because of the pain. I’ve used more pain med this month so I got to ration what I have left. Hahahaha oh lordy. Gonna be a fun night and a storm is coming. Wonder what levels of pain that will bring??
Fucking pain. Right where it feels like a knife gutting me up my foot, veins are popping up in a group. Foot still being crushed by unknown entity. Bones hurting severely. & it is midnight. 1200 mg gaba taken. Another hour maybe a BT med. After that, who knows…
haha CRPS is driving me crazy tonight. Every bone hurt in ankle and foot. Then I have a stabbing, gutting feeling where my veins are all grouped together popping like crazy. All blue from being together. Fun fucking syndrome nothing is working. Just taking the rest of the bottle of gaba and call it a night.
Losing the battle with pain. Feel like I want to pass out and pain laughs, and goes up more or hits another area of foot or ankle or both. Nuts. Suicidal ankle pain has started. Fuck. No sleep tonight after no sleep last night. Fuck.
Pain is off its kilter tonight. 2nd night in a row. Nothing is working. Haven’t taken 2nd dose of ativan yet only because I’ve taken high doses of gabapentin. Foot is being crushed. Malleolus is being hammered. And the suicidal ankle pain has started. Veins have converged so I now have a blue tint to my skin because they are popping up. You can see every vein in my foot as to how flared it is. Haha next time i need blood drawn they can use my foot. Haha ouch.