Hopeless and depressed
Since last night, I have been in a very down mood. I have been avoided using the word “depressed” to describe it because the people at the hospital told me I was making myself hopeless and depressed. I sent an email to my psych about it and have not heard back. I don’t think I will so it is just making me further believe that I am making myself hopeless and depressed. The chaplin I saw asked me where I picture myself five years from now. I said I don’t. I don’t see a future at all and I guess that pissed her off because the next thing I know, she is telling me I am making myself hopeless. The case manager said I was throwing a pity party for myself. I am just fed up with these so called mental health professionals. I don’t even want to see the therapist on Thursday. I really don’t see the damn point.
I’ve been resting most of the afternoon. Other than the burrito and a half sandwich of asparagus and eggs, I haven’t eaten much. I bought a pair of jeans. I got them a size smaller and they are tight because they aren’t “relaxed”. I am not worried as I know I will lose weight soon enough. And if I don’t, the pants will just go to good will. I am tired of fighting things. I feel so damn depressed right now and I don’t even know why. I wasn’t in a great mood all day but pain has hit and my big toe is swollen again, causing a pin being stuck in it feeling. I tried cleaning out the bed, thinking there was dead skin or lint there and came up empty. I also filed the nail so it is rounded and not straight. It didn’t work as well as I hoped it would. My foot feels like it is going to cramp any second. I would take a melatonin to knock me out but I don’t even think that would help. Pretty soon the ankle will start hurting. I am getting little twinges. I am not sure taking a pain med now would be okay. It might be as by the time it kicks in, it might stop the pain from getting worse. But sometimes that doesn’t work either. I might take some gaba to try and see if that will help.
I want to send a text message to the therapist telling her I am not doing well but I don’t think it would be wise. I am not sure she would respond until tomorrow and I am already sending her 2 scheduled texts about how I want to handle my suicidality. But I don’t know if I want to handle it. Maybe I will try not to keep myself away from me. I thought of sending her my blog “used to” but I don’t think it is necessary. I don’t want her to get a million texts from me all at once.
I know part of me is depressed is because I have had to go back to wearing diapers again. The bladder cramps have been causing leaking. Every time I go to the bathroom, I notice my underwear is wet. I gave in to taking Pyridium as I couldn’t take the pain and cramps anymore. Three days is enough. I sent the uro a message telling her of what I did and that I am hoping correctly that it is just readjusting to the medicine again. If I am wrong, I hope she will tell me. I also hope she doesn’t want a urine sample as the Pyridium can alter tests, making them falsely positive or negative. I just hate that this is an unwanted thing because my bladder is not functioning properly. I still don’t know if it is a worsening of my back issues or the back issues caused it. Kind of like what is going on in my CRPS foot/ankle. I don’t know if the CES made it more susceptible to CRPS or if the spasms caused it when they sprained my ankle. I may never know. But regardless, what is done, is done. I can’t change it. Which just makes me depressed.
I did some errands that needed to be done. I also went grocery shopping which killed my legs. I had to take an Uber home because I just couldn’t walk to the bus stop to go home. It worked out. On the way, I realized I forgot half and half. Oh well. I still have a quart that I bought with last month’s groceries. I didn’t get groceries this month as I really didn’t need much. I bought cold cuts, chicken patties, and a pizza my nephew and I like. That should last me a week or two so I have my food that I can make quickly should pain or fatigue be an issue. I gained about 5 pounds while in the hospital, which was the weight I loss prior to being admitted. I see my TG doc in a few weeks so I hope I lose some of it by then. Hope with all the walking and standing I did today I don’t have a flare. I am hurting right now but it is mostly soreness. My thigh is still bothering me and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or muscle. I think it is nerve because it feels like someone is poking me really hard. If It continues, I will just put a lidocaine patch on it. That really helps it.
I talked with my psych again. It was good talking to her. I said I wanted to get off the Lamictal and will tell the new psychopharm about it. I really don’t think it is helping. If I do become hypomanic, I will get off it but we’ll see. I haven’t had a hypomanic episode in a really, really long time. I have been depressed more than I have been the past 10 years. She wants me to use the therapist and psychopharm as supports. I just don’t know if I can do that. I have a hard time trusting people because I have been burned so much. Also the conversation I had with the therapist yesterday didn’t ease my thoughts on it. She was being sneaky in her questioning of who to contact when I am feeling unsafe. I told her I felt comfortable with contacting my psych and then she said she wanted me to contact her but she can’t stop me from contacting my psych, like WTF. Why didn’t she say that first? Because it was “helpful to know where my thinking was.” Really? Wanted to tell her to fuck off at that point. I responded with you know I have a better relationship with my psych, right? I wanted to say more about what to work on with regards to my suicidality but I couldn’t fit that into a text message. So I said we can talk about it next week and that I would let her know so both of you are on the same page. I never got a response from that text. Fuck. I am going to print out the thing I wrote that my psych suggested I do as I put things better in writing than I do talking. I think I need to add to it some more. I also need to find the 2nd edition of the David Jobes CAMS book as there is a new crisis response thing that I think both patient and client signs as an agreement but I am not sure. I only just glanced at it. I still mean to update the SSF as there have been some changes to it.
Last night, a suicidologist I follow was looking for research articles and books on suicide. I sent her my EndNote file that I had that listed all the suicide papers/books that I have collected over the past 10+ years. Made me realize how much I miss academia. I wish I could go back to school. I think it would help me structure my time a little better.
I am glad I am home. I didn’t like coming home to find that my stuff that was in the hallway has been all packed up. No one told me this and I am really pissed about it. My bookcase is empty and my sister wants me to get rid of it. Fuck no. Why should I get rid of something I fucking paid for?? We also talked about how I have to clear my room out (in a week!!) to place stuff in the alcoves and also do the little remodeling in my room. Where my stuff/furniture is to go, I have no clue. I really don’t want to be sleeping on the couch as that has been my niece’s sleeping spot. But where I am to sleep while the rug is torn up and the wall fixed, I have no clue. I might have to sleep at my sister’s place until the room is done. I will have to repaint my room, which I want to be Fenway green. Paint is probably going to be expensive but I don’t care. It is the color I want my room. Probably will take a few weeks to do. That is if I don’t end up ending myself. I still think about it all the time. I’ve done the last few things I needed to take care of. Now is just a matter of when I will go through with it. And with my stupid pain starting to flare up from today’s activities, I really don’t see how I can’t go through with it.
It’s 2 am and I am still up
Pain hit me bad around 2115 or so. My foot has been feeling like it is being crushed all day and still continues to feel this way despite my breakthrough med. But around 215, I started having severe suicidal ankle pain. This caused me so much fucking aggravation. Like the last nerve had been hit. I spoke the other day how I have all the ducks in a row and now they will call come together. I am sick of being and will be taking efforts soon to not be. It won’t be this week but sometime this month.
I am supposed to go to physical therapy in twelve hours. I am going to cancel the appointment mostly because my voice still isn’t there and I don’t want to be talking for 45 mins just for my throat to be sore the rest of the day. I will see if my voice is better next week and then have the eval then.
I sent a message to my psych to see when she wanted to talk, if she wanted to talk. I never got a response so I guess we aren’t talking. No big deal. I can try to talk to her on Tuesday. I sent her a thing she wanted me to write to try and get the therapist up to date on my suicidality. She hasn’t said anything about it so I guess it is ok. I wrote about the background and then how things are now. I also wrote about how I want her to be accountable to things we discuss and have them followed up the following week. I am tired of therapists not following through or continuing what was said the previous week. I have not printed this out. I don’t even want to see the therapist because I am afraid of what will happen. I told her some stuff about how I want to proceed in therapy from now on until the suicidality is somewhat under control. I am not sure how she will take this so I am nervous. I went through this with my long term therapist and things didn’t go well. She didn’t want to carry through on things and that frustrated me more than anything.
One of the things I talked about was the SSF (suicide status form). It is part of the Collaborating, Assessment, and Managing of Suicide (CAMS) framework. It is used to assess suicidality to get a better picture of what the episode it like for the patient. It is individualized for that patient and it really helps the clinician know where the problems or situations are that are leading to this person thinking about suicide. I have made copies of the forms from the 1st edition of the book but have not done so for the 2nd edition. The 2nd edition has the changes of a few things and on the current DSM (diagnostical system of mental disorders). The last message I had with the creator was a month or so ago and he was looking into an electronic form so that it could be easier sent to the medical record. The wonderful thing about the SSF is that it has all the documentation needed in just a few pages for the patient’s record. Right now that is just paper but eventually it will be electronic. I am not sure how that will go or if there will be a 3rd version of the book to reflect this or what. But it is in the works and last I heard would be ready sometime this year.
I don’t know if she would be interested in something she has not seen or heard of. The bottom line is that CBT and DBT (both of which she does) are also evidence based treatments for suicidality. I am not sure if this is true for chronic suicidality but I don’t think that has been studied.
1203 pm: I canceled my PT appointment. I didn’t sleep until after 0500 and with my voice being terrible, I really didn’t want to talk. Now I have the whole day to myself. It is nice out. I have one business I need to take care of before I go. I got to close my IRA account as I haven’t put any money in for years and because it is below the minimum amount, I have been charged every year, dwindling what was there. I figure I better close it before there is nothing and then be in the negative. The interest is not that great either. I just updated my book because I found it and it was only 1 to 2 cents given. I am just worried about how much taxes are going to be taken out because I am not of age to collect it. I went through this once before and it was a hassle. I think it was more because the bank didn’t want to do it than anything. Least that was my impression. Maybe I will go to the square and do it at the bank there as the one near me always gives me a fucking hassle with transactions.
I need to take a shower. I also need to change my bed sheets but that in itself is more tiring than taking a shower. My foot is a 7 right now. I know after the shower it will be up for a bit. Maybe in the afternoon I will go to do the bank business. I already had my coffee for the day so I won’t go to Starbucks. Though I might as someone misplaced or got rid of my reusable cup. I can’t find it anywhere. Maybe my nephew has it in his room. I will ask him when I see him.
Ducks in a row
I’ve been struggling all week. Pain and depression have been an all time mood sucker, increasing the suicidality to the point where the other night, I have things down pat. I am or should be “happy” about this but not really. The fact I can act at any time gives me some relief that when I want to escape, the choice is there. There really is nothing about what if anymore, well there is. I could be rescued or have a change of heart and get help before things take place. I won’t know until that moment. Worse case is I just get sick. I hope that doesn’t happen.
I had therapy this week. I still have no voice from my allergic reaction on the 16 Aug. I saw the folks in laryngology and the PA (physician assistant) said there is some constriction of the things surround the vocal cords, causing my voice to be the way it is. No cancer, polyps, or anything else causing this. I didn’t ask what was causing this as I just wanted to get the hell out of there. She was kind of freaking me out because when she started explaining things, she would shut her eyes and then go off tangent, making me all confused. My appointment was at 2 and even though I was in the room by like 215, I wasn’t seen till 245 and by the time I was done, it was 330. The camera was not pleasant. I had a microphone on my neck and it shifted. As she was trying to get it adjusted the damn fiber cable went further down my throat to the epiglottis, making me gag. I asked what can be done and she basically said time. I asked about speech therapy and she was not advocating for it so I practically had to beg to get referred to it. She said the therapy is booking out in a month’s time so theoretically, my voice could come back by then.
I was expecting this as the folks in the ED said the same thing (well more that I needed speech therapy, not so much it would get better on its own). My pcp pissed me off that day because he wanted me to stop my allergy meds. Even though I said I take it every day and have for years, they think it could be a reason. I really don’t see how all of a sudden this medication would make me hoarse. The laryngologist said the GERD could be causing this but I haven’t had too many episodes for this to happen and when it did happen before the allergic reaction, my voice didn’t change. She recommended some antacid that I am to take at night. It isn’t a kind that I can get at the drug store but online because it is supposedly made with seaweed. I don’t know. I don’t think that is the reason either, unless the ginger caused so much acid production it did affect my voice this bad.
I’ve been in contact with my psych. I spoke with her today. She asked what I was doing and I said I didn’t know as I just woke up and haven’t had coffee yet. She told me to get coffee. LOL She is too funny. Kind of strange that she only recently laughed at my humor and made jokes. Don’t get me wrong, I do love hearing her laugh. I just think it only took 26 years to hear it. LOL She didn’t tell me when she was going to be in an office soon. I haven’t asked because I know she will tell me when she has one. She does want me to write to the therapist about the stuff that is going on. Think I will do that today. I really struggled to talk to the therapist this week because of my voice. It was so shot after seeing her Wed. But then I was up more than 24 hours when I saw her. I was also up most of the day Wed. I just could not sleep despite taking melatonin and Ativan. I was so overtired. I felt like total shit yesterday and still feel crappy today, though much less so. I did a few errands today and my last stop had me weary. By the time I got home about 15 minutes later, my ankle flared up (it was already a 9 to begin with) and I just felt weak. I got some stuff to do in my room (there always is stuff to do in my room). My sister has once again become a tyrant. She said she was going to do stuff this week to clear my room and bring some stuff up. Has not done so but I am guessing tomorrow she will. I hoping she won’t. She is really sending my anxiety up the roof and I have been so hypervigilant that it is hard for me to relax. Yesterday I wanted to sleep but I kept thinking (even though she wasn’t home) that she was going to barge in my room at any second. If I can do two things that will make things easier for access to my alcove, I am going to try. Wish my nephew didn’t move all the stuff to block it even more. Now I got to move it all to the other side of the room where there isn’t much room to begin with. Just overwhelms me to the Nth degree.