2019May25 irritable and suicidal

I’ve been in the psych unit for 10 days. Last night I got into an irritable mood and got so fucking annoyed, i signed a 3 day so i can get the fuck out of here by Thursday. I don’t give a fuck how my suicidality is. I am sick of the piano playing and loud TV at night when I want to relax and try to sleep.

I emailed my psych last night telling her about the 3 day. She was supposed to call me but never did. She wrote back apologizing and saying she will try to call. She hasn’t yet so sent her an email saying it is ok if she doesn’t call me.

For those that don’t know, a 3 day is a paper that asks the hospital to decide in 72 hours if I can go home, leave AMA, or if they feel I am a threat, get a court commitment. I do have the option to retract it at any time if I want to and continue my stay here until both treatment team and I feel I am ready to be discharged. Way it looks right now, I will either leave AMA or be committed. My psych is probably hoping to change my mind and retract the paper.

I am upset with myself that I totally forgot to blog yesterday. I was in a lot of pain with my damn bladder and mood the same as it is today. My suicidality just won’t decrease at all. I’ve been trying to figure out about the bladder pain but until I see a urologist, it is going to be a mystery. The medical staff had put me on a retention med but it made matters worse. I have been having trouble avoiding and the retention has been wicked bad. Been leaking so I ordered diapers as the ones I have at home are locked in my room. I hate having to change boxers at least twice a day as I only brought four. I am so annoyed at this. I usually do leak but not as bad as the last 10 days have been. I’ve never had this problem with my bladder that was not infection related. The medical staff nor the psych staff have no fucking clue what a neurogenic bladder is. Doubt they even know what cauda equina syndrome is as well. I am not sure if the bladder problems are nerve or medication related. I hate smelling of urine all the time. The staff gave me these wipes because I’ve also been shitting myself, thus irritating my butt. I feel so embarrassed. I hate being here when I can have my bathroom stuff available. Sucks so fucking bad.

There is a patient here that is making me so fucking nervous because her mood is so volatile. She has been here a while so has issues. I try to be understanding but also feel the need to get away from her so I don’t have to listen to her ramble.

I had to shave my goatee off because it was annoying me. They don’t have razors on the floor and you are not allowed to have them. So I bought an electric razor. It works really well. It wasn’t the brand my barber has but a good enough one that I could afford. It is rugged and waterproof. I really like it. Because of ordering this and coffee (been getting Starbucks delivered, yay!) I now have no money for groceries. I will worry about it when I leave here. Might just have to buy the Gatorade as I am close to running out like I’ve been doing. I still have my food stamps I haven’t used because I barely left the house to shop. Plus I am here so no chance of doing that now. I am worried I will be discharged from PT as it looks like I won’t be able to make it Thursday. I need to email my PT and tell her I am here. If she discharges me I am ok with that. I won’t go back unless I have more problems. I think if I keep doing the exercises she gave me, i will be ok. I am not sure about the balance issues. I flared up my heel again which has been a bitch to calm down while here. I can’t stay in my room all day like I can at home to give it time to heal. I will never wear the brace for more than 8 hours again. Learned my lesson.

Will try to write my remaining days of May. Missing one day hasn’t been bad. I am trying not to be so hard on myself.

2019May21

Team wanted to try a meeting with family. I got in touch with my sisters but times didn’t work out. I also somehow thought there was another week in May. I have the appt with my TG doc next Tues so would like to get discharged Thursday. Surprisingly, they have agreed even though I’m still highly suicidal. I don’t get it. Probably because I haven’t tried to act on my thoughts while here they think I will be safe at home. Ya, cause at home I don’t have anything to harm myself. Idiots. This is just a waste of my time. Today they just wanted me to go to group like that holds the answers to everything. Then my evening check in person just goes on about how hard things were in the morning but I should be able to be discharged. Shit. Why not send me home tomorrow. What difference is one day going to make. I want to get out so my T dose can be increased and I can take my own shot. I don’t want to be jabbed by a nurse.

I am still in a sucky mood. Feel really hopeless that this is helping me. Feeling overwhelmed that staying here will mess up my plans. I am fricken exhausted from not sleeping and being in pain. The check in person had the audacity to tell me that sleeping now will mess up sleeping at night. I basically told her to leave as she knows nothing about me. She didn’t read my chart before seeing me. That always pisses me off. Today was the first time since being here i slept in the afternoon. I needed to rest my heel because it has been so painful all week between the standing and walking I’ve been doing on the unit. Even when I told her this, she said not to stay in bed. WTF! Swear I would have had better results talking to a fucking wall.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Probably will be discharged Thursday. I hope so anyways. Then I can go ahead with my plan next week.

2019May20

I woke up around 545 to a patient screaming at someone while she was on the phone. I tried going back to sleep but the pt kept having a meltdown right outside my room. I don’t know many times I heard her tell the same story while she was weeping. I felt bad but fuck, why is outside my room a place for breakdowns and phone calls? Checks person said I had to have vitals and meds around 820. My social worker wanted to meet. I used the bathroom then grabbed the stuff I did over the weekend to show her. I just wanted to get back to bed.

Nothing happened while meeting the social worker. We went over how suicidal I was over the weekend and she wants me to fill out a safety plan. Ugh. So I gave her the name of the one I use, thinking she wouldn’t do it. She did. Printed it out for me. I don’t see the fucking point as while I am here, it is not ideal. I have people around me 24/7 I can talk to if I need to. I don’t have a therapist so it would be better to use it when I am outpatient. So that was that. See ya tomorrow.

Then I meet with the doc. It is really hot on the unit as the heat is still on and it’s like 80 degrees out with high humidity. I felt really gross. Doc talked about my weekend. Then said my psych wanted to see if we could have a family meeting. I said probably not as my mother is hard of hearing and I doubt my sisters would be interested. I asked him if we could go up on the lamictal as my blood levels were barely therapeutic. So tonight will be at 100 mg twice a day. He said another doctor will be covering as he has something going on where he will be away the rest of the week. Ok.

I showered and by 1030, my damn foot explodes. Fucking fuck. Around noon my foot swelled up like a balloon. I had lunch and then stayed in my room, catching updates of the Sox game. Sucks it was a day game, now I have nothing to distract me tonight. Maybe I can read Harry.

My check in came tot talk to me. As we were talking, I got a wicked bad wave of pain. Brought fucking tears to my eyes. I wish she was gone. I could hardly talk after that. My brain was just being bombarded.

A little after change of shift, my foot started trembling. Just what I need. A dystonic foot without my pharmacy by my side. I carefully made it to the nurse’s station where I got an ativan. Then had dinner before returning to my room. I am not leaving other than to use the bathroom and night meds. I am in such a foul mood.

My mother called me. She wanted to know why I haven’t called her. I told her I didn’t feel like talking. She asked why. Like seriously? When the fuck do I talk to her when I am home?? I got irritated and my voice must have sounded it because she then hung up on me. She is so pissing me off with this fake caring. I am not calling her tomorrow. I blocked her number so when she calls it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t need her calling me like two or more times trying to get in touch with me. I texted my sisters. I just said hi. My middle sister wanted to know if I talked to my mother and I said I did. I don’t know why she wants to know if I talked to my mother.

I have been trying to write in my journal but pain has been making it difficult. I haven’t met with my 2nd shift contact person. It is not the guy I had last night. I don’t know this person well but she is nice. Not sure what we will talk about or maybe I won’t. I don’t have to. Usually they just want to make sure you are safe and if not come find them to talk. I am staying in my room so not going to find them. I can ask the checks person to tell them to come to my room. I have a private room. Sometimes I like it and other times it sucks because if I need someone immediately, I need to wait for checks.

I haven’t done PT exercises since the 2nd and 3rd day I was here. I don’t want to put anything on my left leg. Even the sheets and blanket are annoying it. I will have to try tomorrow to do them.

I emailed my psych. I told her we might have a family meeting but I was only comfortable with her. It might just be my sisters. I really don’t want my mother attending because of her hard of hearing. My mother tends to either listen to what she wants to hear, misinterprets what is said, or not hear what is said and just nods. I can’t deal with it. I just can’t. Besides, I am sure it will be all nice in front of my doc but when I am home, there might be ramifications of me pegging them as the bad guy. I don’t know if this will happen but it is possible.

Been wanting to die all day because of the fucking pain. The heat is not helping. Hope it cools off some. I got my window open a bit. Might have it open a little more later if I feel like it. I took my second dose of the breakthrough meds after dinner so if I need any later on I am screwed. Fucking wonderful. I do have another ativan I can take that is outside my night meds. That plus melatonin and hopefully I can sleep, provided the other patients don’t use my corner as a phone booth.