Tuesday’s thoughts

Had an appt with urology today. There was some paperwork I had to fill out before the visit. Last question was about how my urinary problems are now affect me. I put terrible because self-catherizing is no fun. I am waking up in the middle of the night nearly every fricken morning to empty my bladder. It has worsened my depression. So the doc went over things with me. She said to empty my bladder via cath before sleeping so it is completely empty. I’ve done this at different times before midnight and I am still up between 3-4 am to empty because I am uncomfortable. I also think right now I have an infection. Urinalysis was very positive but until the culture comes back nothing can be done. I haven’t had to cath today because the urge to go has been so strong so I know there is infection. I asked the uro if my disc is causing this and she asked what does my neurosurgeon say. Been too scared to see him. So made an appt today as the uro was going to email him. I am to follow up with the doc’s NP in a month.

I’ve been getting emails from the medical supply company wanting me to refill. Guess my slim chance this was all a dream has been shattered. I will order more caths tomorrow. Don’t feel like it today. My mother asked me if I still had the catheter in me and I said no. She then asked what the green thing in the trash was so I told her what they were. Don’t think she understood me. She just shook her head.

Dammit. I’ve been peeing nearly every fricken two hours since coming home. I haven’t had much to drink. Had three meatballs from the other night. That has been the only thing I’ve had to eat the past 24 hours. I’ve been trying to eat but I got no appetite at all. Weighed myself this morning. I am still the same as I was last week. I had to put more holes in my belt as I couldn’t get it tight otherwise.

I have therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. Had a bad night last night I was hallucinating in session. Hate when I have dreams like that. The uro wants to email the psychopharm. No idea why. Not like she can do much. She is going to email my pcp to let him know about what is going on as well as getting me into some therapy for the medical trauma I had when I was small. I asked if this was just therapy I can be doing with the therapist I see but she didn’t have an answer for me. Guess I will find out sooner or later. I had sent a text to the therapist saying how bad the pain was she said she was sorry. I didn’t say much about what transpired over the last few days. Not sure I will let her know when I talk with her tomorrow.

I am fricken exhausted. I snoozed in between voiding this afternoon. I hope I can still sleep tonight. I’ve been suicidal on and off all day. Rain is in the forecast all week. Hasn’t been too cold though. Rather have rain than snow anyway. My mother put the heat on so my room is fricken hot. I still have the AC in my window. Hoping with the weather clearing this weekend my bro in law can take it out. Would be good to get cold fresh air in my room.

Thoughts about the week

Wednesday I had two appts, one with therapist and the other with psychopharm. Therapy didn’t go too well. She doesn’t want me dependent on her, which I get. She also wants me to be more social. I wanted to talk about this being an anniversary time and she breaks out that I need to join a group of some kind. So we agreed that I would go to the local chess club that meets on Sunday and she would buy a chess set so I can teach her to play. Fucking weird she would let me teach her chess but not suicide prevention stuff that might actually fucking help me. I realized today that with her, it is just going to be therapy like the hospital where they teach you how to cope with whatever you are feeling rather than fucking talk about the fucking feeling. It is like redirection for adults. I feel stuck though as the therapist is good, she knows her stuff, but if she is just going to redirect my feelings to using cold water when I have them, what the fuck am I seeing her for? The day didn’t get better with psychopharm.

This nurse practitioner wanted to treat my symptoms with medication, even if that meant three medications. She wanted the anxiety with one med, sleep for another, and, not kidding, suicidality with another med. The med for suicidality is lithium. I know all about lithium. I also know it is toxic in large amounts. Very toxic. So why would I want to have a toxic substance in my possession when I am suicidal? Granted she will not be prescribing me large doses, just enough to have it in my system, but that isn’t how my brain thinks. I declined the lithium and the sleep med which was another blood pressure med. Jesus fucking christ. I have 3 meds that affect my blood pressure. I don’t need a fourth. God it made me miss my psych so fucking much. My psych never would push drugs on me. The meds the NP wanted to prescribe aren’t new. They all were generics and pretty old meds. The one for anxiety I won’t be taking again because I am so lethargic from it. Took it Wed night and was sleepy all day yesterday. Took another last night and was sleepy all day today. I barely left the bed except for bathroom breaks. I did have some thing to eat but nothing major. The NP went over my diagnosis. I said yeah I got bipolar but I don’t think I am. She asked if while decreasing the lamictal if I had symptoms of mania. I said no. She asked what does she think I have and I said major depressive disorder with psychotic features. She also wanted to increase the Invega and I said no. Fuck. Why can’t she just leave things as is? I have no problem with my meds. They don’t help my mood but I’ve known that for the past 20 years. I just need something for the psychosis and maybe for depression. I am on duloxetine and it is ok though after 3 weeks still no change in symptoms.

Yesterday around noon, my ankle went into a flare. I’m still in unbearable indescribable pain. I really wish I was fucking dead. Was going to end it today but ankle said nope. Pathetic I can’t even kill myself because I am in too much fucking pain. Hope this flare is gone by tomorrow. I didn’t have good sleep last night, despite that stupid pill for anxiety. I kept waking up every few minutes. I wanted to take lorazepam but I didn didn’t want to get up. It hurt too much to move. I was putting most of my weight in my right arm so it kept falling asleep or was just uuncomfortable. Think tonight I will have to put a pillow between my legs so my foot is a bit more even rather than cupping my other foot.

I also realized today that with my psych gone, no one is going to ask or be interested in my writing. I can still share what I write with my psych but if I don’t write, what is there to share. I feel so lost without her. Doesn’t look like she is going to come back into my life anytime soon. And I don’t like it.

Saturday Blog 28-9-19

Saturday Blog 28-9-19

Finally had the new pumpkin cream cold brew coffee. It is meh. Tastes a bit watered down with pumpkin cream. I ordered a venti and I doubt I am going to drink all of it. Wish the coffee part was stronger. It is my first coffee since coming home from the hospital. I tried having a cold brew at home but the half and half was spoiled so had curled cream at the top. Gross.

I shaved before leaving the house and when I did, I forgot my headphones because I am using a different bag. I brought my laptop to Starbucks to write and maybe be creative. So far nothing is really coming to me so I might just surf the web and social media.

Last night pain had hit and I was again suicidal, though not to the degree I have been in the last few months. So I started thinking of what to talk about with the therapist. I am going to bring a few things about suicide safety planning as well as the paper I wrote about how she can help me. It is three pages plus the Crisis Response Plan. I also thumbed through the 2nd edition of CAMS and found a new page in the initial form. It is called CAMS stabilization plan. I think I will print off that sheet only and if the therapist is interested in the SSF, I will bring it the next session. I might ask her to meet twice a week but I don’t know if that is doable. If it is, I just want it to be a few weeks as I have just been discharged from the hospital. I sent her a couple of scheduled texts that discuss this and I hope she is open to it. I sent her the link to the Stanley/Brown safety plan site. I hope she can go to it and see what I am talking about. There is no plan that I have found yet that has clinician and client sign in an agreement. If she isn’t open to this, I probably won’t bring up my suicidality to her. I just feel like it wouldn’t be worth it if she isn’t open to my ideas on what could help me. Sure I can do it on my own but that hasn’t been working out. Hell, if I could fix myself I would! This needs to be a collaborative effort. I can’t tolerate any less than that.

I have no idea how the psychopharm is going to take my hospitalization. I am going to tell him I want off the Lamictal. I really don’t think it is helping me. We can get off it and if need be, go back on it should the hypomanic stuff comes back, which I don’t think is likely. It is something to monitor though. I will take the odd day that I feel euphoric though. I just hope he is open to me coming off and not going on another mood stabilizer. I have thought about going on Depakote but I really don’t want to go through the blood draws. That was one of the reasons why Lithium sucked so bad, other than the side effects.

Since last night, I have been having severe bladder cramps. I know it is because I am switching alpha blockers again. I had to take another one while in the hospital because the one that my uro prescribed was not in their formulary. I have had increased leakage and less voiding. I haven’t been drinking regularly either so that doesn’t help the bladder issues. If I am full, I am not getting the sensation. I am just in so much fucking pain. I am tempted to send a message to my uro to see what can be done about it until the medicine is back in my system. I took Ativan while in the hospital to quiet the cramps and I could do that now that I am out. I have free rein on my meds so I can take them as I damn well please rather than have a doctor order for when I need it. I just took my night meds which has an Ativan along with my pain meds. I hope that this helps the cramps and pain. I am so sick of hurting. My ankle pain has just decided to kick itself up. I hope this isn’t a long night of pain like last night. I didn’t go to sleep till almost 3 am. I think I read a chapter of Harry Potter and then went to sleep as I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I am reading the 6th book, the Half-Blood Prince. I like and hate this book because we learn about Horcruxes and sucks because Dumbledore dies. I forget who runs the school in the 7th book, but then, Harry wasn’t attending due to chasing down Horcruxes. The 7th is my favorite even though a lot of characters died. I don’t know how JK Rowling could create these beautiful characters and then kill them off. I am sure it affected her, too. I am not sure I could ever create characters and kill them off just to tell a story. But that is just me.