Painsomnia has returned
With the depression making me so damn tired, I had escaped for a little while from the pain induced insomnia or just insomnia in general. The temps have dropped considerably (currently in the 20sF) so my pain is beyond measuring right now. I took some extra pain meds and hope that it works and that I don’t have to take more meds. It’s a little after 2 right now. I hope I can sleep by at least 4 or so. The pain is like a slew of nails being shot into my foot and ankle joint. I cannot describe it beyond that right now. It is making me very suicidal but I have no intention to act on it. I don’t have anything to really act with. I gave my container of ginger to the therapist a few weeks ago. The ones that I have, have proved pointless. Either 100 mg of ginger root is not enough to cause a reaction or I really need the real thing like ginger beer or shaved root.
I met with the therapist yesterday. I had to because I was getting worried I might attempt again. Plus the voices have increased because of the stress or god knows what. Think just worrying that I having a repeat of my episode of 1994 where I was in and out of the hospital with intermittent suicide attempts on the side, one that landed me a two month stay. I didn’t become psychotic during that episode. I am really freaking out because if this does develop into a psychotic depression, I don’t have my psych here to help me guide treatment options. The psychopharm (NP and MD) have wanted to increase the antipsychotic I have been taking for a while now but I have been reluctant. I fear that if they have to play with this medication to get me stable again while my mood is out of order, I think I will have no choice but to go back to the hospital. I would feel better with this being done in an inpatient setting because the voices can be tricky to deal with outpatient. Once they start telling me to do stuff, which they are starting to, I have a hard time ignoring them. They are already making fun of me because I failed in killing myself, again. I haven’t been eating anything all week. I have been drinking Ensure and Gatorade just to make sure I don’t completely lose it. I am slowly losing the will to live. I don’t care about food. My favorite holiday is coming up. A very good friend invited me to her house but I have no idea what kind of shape I will be in. My friend is more like my sister from another mother. We are close and we understand each other. We make each other laugh, especially when we get going with our dirty minds. I am trying to remember to eat something every day but when there is no appetite, it is kind of hard. My food stamps just came in so I can go to the grocery store to get some cold cuts or some ingredients to make something but I don’t really know what I want to cook. I started my grocery order list and it’s almost $200 again. It was just $100 with just my drinks and the few things I buy every month. I have no idea what is in it now. I know I put some ice cream and cookies on there. I will probably take them off. If I go to the grocery store, I will get the chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup ice cream I like. Least it will be something in my stomach.
Because I was up in the middle of the night, I gave my T shot so I don’t have to worry about giving it before leaving the house. It is going to be hard when I get to sleep because I have to leave early. I have therapy at noon. I sent my psych an email about how the psychosis is starting to get out of hand and that I don’t trust the providers without her guiding me. This is so flipping hard. It’s been four months since I last saw my psych and started seeing the therapist. I can’t call the therapist “my” therapist because I don’t trust it 100% yet. I am still waiting for her to drop me. She wanted me to write something about the benefits of going to partial hospital. I don’t have much to say about it. I haven’t been to a partial program in more than 10 years. I didn’t like it then and I doubt I will like it now. I don’t want to go mostly due to financial concerns as well as having to be a morning person. I also would have to worry about how this is going to affect my pain levels by being out a minimum of eight hours a day.
Going to try this thing called sleep. It’s almost 4 am. I got to be up in four hours. Yay.
I had a few hours sleep. I had another bad night of pain that kept me up. Around 2 I started writing a letter/email to my psych. I told her how frustrated I was with her being dismissed and my anger about the institution. I also told her how difficult it is to call her when I am suicidal and thinking about acting. I had emailed her to find out when I should call her. She always said to call her but I didn’t know when it would be okay to do so. I always feel like when I call her, it should be an emergency as I usually just email her. I only call if my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t calm down or I am in overwhelm mode and need her to help calm me down. I haven’t had a response to the email, yet. I am not sure I will but we will see.
When I got up, I had one coffee, a cold brew. I had to go to the grocery store and the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I did a little shopping and got my favorite ice cream. I was worried it would be soup by the time I came home as it is really hot today. Tomorrow is going to worse. I hate summer. I went home quickly and luckily I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I was starting to feel shaky when I came home, like I had three cups of coffee or something. I still am feeling jittery, even after I ate and had a soda. I just took some pain meds and my urine retention meds as I haven’t used the bathroom since I got up. I hate that my bladder isn’t working right. I see the urologist next week to find out what is wrong, though I suspect it is the nerve damage that I have. I don’t know if I will have to self cath or not. I hope not. I don’t know if the med I am on needs to be increased or just switched to another one. I did have success with Flomax when I was in the hospital for my second surgery. It really helped with the retention but didn’t always work after the re-do surgery as I was retaining. I remember when I had the MRI I was completely gone. My mental status was out in left field. I was being catharized and it was like I knew where I was but I didn’t. I thought I was in the ER but I was on the floor of the hospital. Least I knew I was in the hospital.
I have therapy tomorrow and I will discuss my past abuse which is going to be really difficult as I am having PTSD symptoms that are really bothering me. I had a medical procedure when I was little and I keep having intrusive memories about it. I don’t know what kind of test they were doing. I just know I was screaming for my mother and they had to restrain me as I was fighting them severely. I was totally freaking out. They had to sedate and anesthetize me. I was so distraught. Then I felt like my mother abandoned me and I was really angry at her. But I couldn’t tell her I was mad at her. I was a kid and you just didn’t say that to your mother. I have no idea if this created the voices. I was talking to them the whole time I was up and my thoughts were really fucked up. I had to take another antipsychotic to quiet them down. They were still quiet this morning and I had a hard time thinking. When they are quiet I find it hard to function. I need the “background noise” as I feel empty when they aren’t there. I also feel alone. They have been with me since I was five.
I am not really feeling anxious. It is more like agitation. I want to keep moving but don’t feel like it. I am really restless. I wanted to write to see if I could calm down as that sometimes works. Last night I wrote like three pages in my journal and it didn’t help. I just got more keyed up.
I really, really hate when you tell someone you are hearing voices and their immediate response is to tell them to shut up, like that fucking works. It irritates me so much. Like don’t you think I have tried that? Fuck. People have no clue what I go through or really anyone who have hallucinations, whether they hear or see them. I really don’t know what the “right” response would be but I know it isn’t “tell them to shut up.”
I think I am having side effects of the trilafon I took last night to quiet the voices. It feels similar to what I have experienced when I was on abilify. I probably need to take an Ativan to shake off the side effects. Living with this shit is so fucking hard. I am so tired of side effect of my medications. I know the risks outweigh the benefits but dammit, I hate the shakiness. I hate the constipation. I hate the brain fog and cognitive impairment.
I am probably breaking the rules but this is my version of the Holden psychache scale that he used in this paper Development and preliminary validation of a scale of psychache.
By Holden, Ronald R.,Mehta, Karishma,Cunningham, E. Jane,McLeod, Lindsay D.
Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement, Vol 33(4), Oct 2001, 224-232
I modified it from the original to suit my needs. You can get the original scale by getting the article. Here is also a blog I wrote on the research article (click here)
About suicide hotlines: My thoughts
some hotlines: Crisis text line 741741, National Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860, Trevor Project for LNGTQ 866-488-7386
After a 9 year old that came out as gay to his friend and then killed himself, there has been an increase in sending out the suicide hotline numbers. While I know that sending out and calling does help people, there are other that feel too hopeless and alone, maybe feeling ashamed, maybe feeling no one will understand, and therefore won’t reach out.
One thing that is often said in hindsight of a suicide is why? Why didn’t I see the signs? But knowing the signs are not enough. Often when confronted, people with suicidal thoughts or maybe even planning a suicide, will deny it. It is a sensitive issue. A private issue. I know when my best friend told me at the age of 11 to seek help, my response was “I am not crazy”. With stigma, it is hard to approach someone who is suicidal. Often, there is the thought, no way this person is thinking of suicide, not my child, friend, co-worker, etc. They may deny it and say they don’t because it is against their religion or maybe the person who asks, frightens their friend or family member for fear of being stopped or if they do say yes, the person who asks responds with “don’t do something stupid” or “I will kill you if you do this”, which further alienates the suffering person. I’ve had this experience from two different people. I’ve never understood this logic. I still don’t.
My point of all this is people who are depressed ad suicidal need to feel safe in order to talk openly about their feelings. Often calling a hotline takes a lot of effort to even pick up the phone or dial the number. It is so scary because they are afraid they will be turned away and that holds people back. Or maybe they have phone anxiety like me. The Crisis Text Line is super for those people. But it is still scary to admit they are having suicidal feelings. They don’t know what will happen when they call or text.
In this case of this little boy who apparently was bullied, I don’t know if he would have had access to a phone to reach out and seek help. We often think those under the age of 10 cannot think about suicide but the numbers are growing. I know when I was eight I started having suicidal thoughts and made my first attempt at age 10. I didn’t tell anyone about this besides my best friend. He was probably sick of me talking about it so told me to reach out and then I shut down. I stopped talking about it but the thoughts were still there. When I was 12 I did reach out to Samaritans. I talked to a nice British speaking lady. I was very scared to call. I never had another good experience calling a hotline again. I was often rushed off the phone once I mentioned that I was suicidal.