I had a few hours sleep. I had another bad night of pain that kept me up. Around 2 I started writing a letter/email to my psych. I told her how frustrated I was with her being dismissed and my anger about the institution. I also told her how difficult it is to call her when I am suicidal and thinking about acting. I had emailed her to find out when I should call her. She always said to call her but I didn’t know when it would be okay to do so. I always feel like when I call her, it should be an emergency as I usually just email her. I only call if my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t calm down or I am in overwhelm mode and need her to help calm me down. I haven’t had a response to the email, yet. I am not sure I will but we will see.
When I got up, I had one coffee, a cold brew. I had to go to the grocery store and the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I did a little shopping and got my favorite ice cream. I was worried it would be soup by the time I came home as it is really hot today. Tomorrow is going to worse. I hate summer. I went home quickly and luckily I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I was starting to feel shaky when I came home, like I had three cups of coffee or something. I still am feeling jittery, even after I ate and had a soda. I just took some pain meds and my urine retention meds as I haven’t used the bathroom since I got up. I hate that my bladder isn’t working right. I see the urologist next week to find out what is wrong, though I suspect it is the nerve damage that I have. I don’t know if I will have to self cath or not. I hope not. I don’t know if the med I am on needs to be increased or just switched to another one. I did have success with Flomax when I was in the hospital for my second surgery. It really helped with the retention but didn’t always work after the re-do surgery as I was retaining. I remember when I had the MRI I was completely gone. My mental status was out in left field. I was being catharized and it was like I knew where I was but I didn’t. I thought I was in the ER but I was on the floor of the hospital. Least I knew I was in the hospital.
I have therapy tomorrow and I will discuss my past abuse which is going to be really difficult as I am having PTSD symptoms that are really bothering me. I had a medical procedure when I was little and I keep having intrusive memories about it. I don’t know what kind of test they were doing. I just know I was screaming for my mother and they had to restrain me as I was fighting them severely. I was totally freaking out. They had to sedate and anesthetize me. I was so distraught. Then I felt like my mother abandoned me and I was really angry at her. But I couldn’t tell her I was mad at her. I was a kid and you just didn’t say that to your mother. I have no idea if this created the voices. I was talking to them the whole time I was up and my thoughts were really fucked up. I had to take another antipsychotic to quiet them down. They were still quiet this morning and I had a hard time thinking. When they are quiet I find it hard to function. I need the “background noise” as I feel empty when they aren’t there. I also feel alone. They have been with me since I was five.
I am not really feeling anxious. It is more like agitation. I want to keep moving but don’t feel like it. I am really restless. I wanted to write to see if I could calm down as that sometimes works. Last night I wrote like three pages in my journal and it didn’t help. I just got more keyed up.
I really, really hate when you tell someone you are hearing voices and their immediate response is to tell them to shut up, like that fucking works. It irritates me so much. Like don’t you think I have tried that? Fuck. People have no clue what I go through or really anyone who have hallucinations, whether they hear or see them. I really don’t know what the “right” response would be but I know it isn’t “tell them to shut up.”
I think I am having side effects of the trilafon I took last night to quiet the voices. It feels similar to what I have experienced when I was on abilify. I probably need to take an Ativan to shake off the side effects. Living with this shit is so fucking hard. I am so tired of side effect of my medications. I know the risks outweigh the benefits but dammit, I hate the shakiness. I hate the constipation. I hate the brain fog and cognitive impairment.
I am probably breaking the rules but this is my version of the Holden psychache scale that he used in this paper Development and preliminary validation of a scale of psychache.
By Holden, Ronald R.,Mehta, Karishma,Cunningham, E. Jane,McLeod, Lindsay D.
Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement, Vol 33(4), Oct 2001, 224-232
I modified it from the original to suit my needs. You can get the original scale by getting the article. Here is also a blog I wrote on the research article (click here)
About suicide hotlines: My thoughts
some hotlines: Crisis text line 741741, National Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860, Trevor Project for LNGTQ 866-488-7386
After a 9 year old that came out as gay to his friend and then killed himself, there has been an increase in sending out the suicide hotline numbers. While I know that sending out and calling does help people, there are other that feel too hopeless and alone, maybe feeling ashamed, maybe feeling no one will understand, and therefore won’t reach out.
One thing that is often said in hindsight of a suicide is why? Why didn’t I see the signs? But knowing the signs are not enough. Often when confronted, people with suicidal thoughts or maybe even planning a suicide, will deny it. It is a sensitive issue. A private issue. I know when my best friend told me at the age of 11 to seek help, my response was “I am not crazy”. With stigma, it is hard to approach someone who is suicidal. Often, there is the thought, no way this person is thinking of suicide, not my child, friend, co-worker, etc. They may deny it and say they don’t because it is against their religion or maybe the person who asks, frightens their friend or family member for fear of being stopped or if they do say yes, the person who asks responds with “don’t do something stupid” or “I will kill you if you do this”, which further alienates the suffering person. I’ve had this experience from two different people. I’ve never understood this logic. I still don’t.
My point of all this is people who are depressed ad suicidal need to feel safe in order to talk openly about their feelings. Often calling a hotline takes a lot of effort to even pick up the phone or dial the number. It is so scary because they are afraid they will be turned away and that holds people back. Or maybe they have phone anxiety like me. The Crisis Text Line is super for those people. But it is still scary to admit they are having suicidal feelings. They don’t know what will happen when they call or text.
In this case of this little boy who apparently was bullied, I don’t know if he would have had access to a phone to reach out and seek help. We often think those under the age of 10 cannot think about suicide but the numbers are growing. I know when I was eight I started having suicidal thoughts and made my first attempt at age 10. I didn’t tell anyone about this besides my best friend. He was probably sick of me talking about it so told me to reach out and then I shut down. I stopped talking about it but the thoughts were still there. When I was 12 I did reach out to Samaritans. I talked to a nice British speaking lady. I was very scared to call. I never had another good experience calling a hotline again. I was often rushed off the phone once I mentioned that I was suicidal.
This is going to be negative but I don’t care as it is my lived experience: I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 because I self-harmed. Seen a wide range of therapists from social workers to psychologists to psychiatrists. Most have ended treatment with me for various reasons. I am now on therapist number 14. First 6 months I didn’t think I was going to stay with him. He is a psychologist with supposed experience with trauma and suicidal ideation. He took me on knowing this. Now since the MeToo, I’ve been having intrusive memories. I tell him about it and he shrugs. Seriously? Why am I seeing you if you don’t know how to deal with trauma when you said you had training? I feel like the system has let me down, yet again.
Before I even saw him, I must have talked to at least 5 different therapists. None would take me on because of my suicidal history. I thought I could shove it aside and just have this guy because he returned my call and wanted to work with me. Now it is a year later and I am finding it so difficult to deal with him. I am once again looking for therapists and I am wondering why. I live in a large city. There shouldn’t be just 1 therapist in my 5 mile radius that deals with suicidal histories. Suicide is its own can of worms. I understand from a suicidologist standpoint. Not everyone is cut out to deal, it isn’t taught in school yada yada. I get it. But where is the compassion in therapy? Are too many good therapists burned out? Am I ever going to find someone to help me through suicidal crisis and chronic pain and all the other shit I deal with? Or is that too much because I don’t follow god or help myself?