feeling hurt and exhausted

Feeling hurt and exhausted

I’m going through a little (or maybe a lot) of gender dysphoria right now. Yesterday at the occupational therapy appointment, the therapist asked if I was going to have bottom surgery. Why the fuck do they need to know these things if this is NOT the reason I am seeing them!?!? If I was thinking or had it done, don’t you think it would be in my fucking record??? I am getting so pissed at handling this and then she said that there are a few doctors that work with women with spinal injuries. I went from being a male to a female in one fucking sentence. I am feeling so suicidal about this. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital where my care is at. It just hurts too much to be exposed this way.

This might sound sad but seeing as my therapist doesn’t want me to text her mundane things, I have decided to send those things to my alternative phone. This way I still get whatever I need to get out and there is no repercussions of whatever it is I say. I won’t be sharing this information with my therapist. There is no point in letting her know how pathetic I am.

Ankle/foot pain exploded about a half hour ago. Pain is a 14 right now and all I can think about is death. I emptied my bladder so I shouldn’t have to pee any time soon. I hope so anyway and as much as I want to drink right now because damn mouth is dry, I am not going to. I am sucking on lemonheads candy. Probably not a good idea it being right before bed but I don’t care. Sour taste can distract from pain so I am going to use it.

Next week I got appointments for the behavioral therapist, the NP psychopharm, my therapist, and the OT. Tues I see my therapist and then I won’t see her for two weeks. I get a break from her. She is out for the holiday and then she is leaving the country for a week. Totally messed up my plans. The day I see her when she is back is the day I wanted to end therapy or at least have a better idea about it. I am hoping to end things before my next birthday. I really don’t want to be a year older. It’s weird that I feel like I am twelve yet I also feel like I have the body of an 80 year old. Just feel like things would be better if I were dead.

I got an app thing where I can send texts now from my laptop. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that. I am such a geek.

any thoughts?

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