Saturday Blog 28112020
I woke up and went to the bathroom. I didn’t brush my teeth because my sister was bitching about needing to shower. She couldn’t wait and I didn’t want to hear her so I will brush later. Maybe she will go out and I don’t have to hear her today. I came back to my room and my foot exploded. I am in a 10 out of 10 pain right now, 10 being the worst. I didn’t do anything but climb the stairs back to my room. I might have twisted it a little as there was stuff on the damn stairs to be brought upstairs. I don’t know. All I know is that I am hurting and I won’t be able to pick up my prescription today.
The concert last night was so fucking awesome. I don’t think I stopped smiling until I fell asleep a half hour before it ended, around 2130. I couldn’t help falling asleep. I was so relaxed. I slept through the night for the first time in forever. Encore is tonight so I will hear what I missed. Hopefully I won’t fall asleep again! I really enjoyed myself. I don’t think I ever enjoyed a concert so much. I knew all the songs except one and it is an album I don’t hear very often. The chat that went on was very cool. If a song was playing that no one knew there was some people that responded with the name of the song. It was so fucking awesome hearing her play her music.
I won’t be able to get groceries this month. I will just get my drinks and maybe something else but that is all. I will have to go to the grocery store to get what I need. I don’t really need anything except for the drinks. I am running low.
I need to shower today. If the bitch sister is out, I might shave as well. Depends how the foot pain goes. I really need to shave. But if I can’t, a shower is more important. I just want to go back to sleep. I am so tired and I just woke up. I hate when you feel tired when you wake up. I need coffee. I have been switching it up, drinking between Newman’s Own, Starbucks breakfast blend and Pike. I have been drinking solely coffee since I don’t go to Starbucks anymore for my espresso. I miss having my espresso drinks.
I want to watch Mandalorian today. I hear baby Yoda is more adorable than ever. I’ve seen the new memes and he is so fucking cute. I also want to watch the Taylor Swift documentary on her latest album. I got to be in the mood to watch shows or I just don’t watch. I am paying for the service but I don’t watch all the time. I get bored easily.
I just sent my therapist a letter about something that is bothering me the last time we met. She said that my management of my crisis is the wrong answer. I don’t know what the “right” answer is so we need to talk about this because it is really pissing me off. I am still here during my darkest nights so I think that says something. Most importantly, I don’t attempt when I feel so bad.
I am getting hungry. I want to make scrambled eggs with cheese and put hot sauce on it. Frank’s came out with a chili lime that I love. My nephew likes it too. He is the king of hot sauce stuff. He buys different ones to try. Think I will get him some from Amazon for Christmas. He will love it. He loves habanero sauces. I do, too.
Depressed and in pain today
I feel really down because I am in pain today. I woke up around 0400 with my left shoulder hurting me. No matter how I moved it, it hurt. I have no idea what I did. I have been waking up with shoulder pain the past week. It goes away when I wake up so that is good. But it still depresses me that I wake up in pain every morning.
I had a good bowel movement today that ended up causing nerve pain. My ass is killing me. I hope the pain settles down on its own and I don’t need to take more Neurontin. I took some last night to help me get back to sleep. I am still feeling sleepy from it. I might take a nap. I just had coffee and pumpkin pie. Yesterday all I drank was a half a glass of wine and a cup of coffee. I didn’t have anything else to drink so today I am going to drink at least two Gatorade bottles.
I got to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. One prescription isn’t ready yet. When it is, I will go. It should be done soon, I hope. I had a good day yesterday. I didn’t eat too much but I had plenty. I had my pumpkin pie for dessert. It had too much spice in it. I was worried because I am allergic to ginger and I know that they sometimes use that in the pie. I didn’t react so that was good. I took my night meds early and was asleep by 2200. I was going to watch the new Taylor Swift documentary on Disney Plus but I wasn’t in the mood. I might watch it over the weekend.
I am so excited because tonight I get to see my favorite artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter! She is doing a virtual show and I got tickets as an early birthday present to me. I am listening to her new album. She will be playing new songs from it and maybe some old. I don’t know. I know that it isn’t long, she said so in her #songsfromhome videos. The format is going to be similar. Instead of her kitchen, her venue will be the beautiful Wolf Trap. I was supposed to see her at that venue when I was visiting my cousin in Virginia. But there was a hurricane going on so the show was cancelled.
It is weird that I feel depressed yet excited about the show. The nerve pain is settling down some. I really wanted to die when it was at its worse. The pain is horrible and there is nothing you can really do about it. I know there is a rectal cream that is lidocaine based that can be used but I have a hard time reaching back there to apply things.
I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and came home a sweaty mess. I was so exerted by the walk. I am resting now and waiting for time to pass for the concert tonight. I cannot wait to see her. She is so beautiful. I’ve been in love with her since the first time I saw her on tv. Just hope my pain doesn’t interfere with seeing her. I am tired but trying not to nap. I got to eat some turkey and stuffing and squash. It was a good meal.
Thanksgiving Eve 2020
My sister didn’t buy the squash that I wanted so I wanted to go today but I had to go to the post office to mail something out. I got stuck in the line so my sister went for me. I waited so long in line at the post office that my ankle flared up. It still is hurting me and I am trying so much to ignore it. It isn’t working. I am tired just from this excursion. God my ankle hurts. I didn’t go get my EKG today. I might go Friday if my sister isn’t doing anything. I will have her drive me there. It shouldn’t take too long. They are usually quick. I hate that I have to have it because my stupid breast is in the way because it is useless. I hate the things on my chest so much. It is really bothering me that I can’t get rid of them until I lose 25 lbs. I have been slowly losing weight but it is slow. I really think that this is discriminatory against overweight people to have them lose weight to affirm themselves. I don’t understand why you need to lose weight or be a certain BMI. If I had breast cancer I bet they wouldn’t say I needed to lose weight to remove the cancer. So stupid. Makes me so angry. It doesn’t help the gender dysphoria and it doesn’t help my mood that I have to fucking wait. I am so pissed off because losing weight is not easy.
I ordered lunch from my favorite sub shop. I can’t wait for the chicken kabob sandwich. It has been a long time since I had it. I bought myself an early birthday present for myself. I got a ticket to see Mary Chapin Carpenter at the Wolf Trap Center virtually for Friday night. I am so excited. And then I find out Taylor is on Disney plus so I will watch that tomorrow after dinner. It will be great to see Taylor and how she came with her new album. I love it. It is a really good mellow album.
I accidently took a double dose of Miralax today. I had a close to empty bottle so thought I would just take the rest didn’t realize there was enough for a dose in there. So I emptied the bottle in my glass. I just hope I don’t have colon blow or lose control of my bowels making an accident. I did my T shot today and didn’t hit a vein. I am so happy about that. Last couple of times I have hit one and there was a lot of blood after the shot. I can’t stand looking at my own blood. It makes me queasy.
I took a nap around 1600 and I am still tired. Hope I can sleep tonight. I know I took a late nap. I just took my night meds. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist. I had asked for a refill on the citalopram and haven’t gotten it yet. It still hasn’t been called in to the pharmacy. I hope I will hear from him on Friday as I will run out this weekend and I don’t see him till next week. Monday I will go get the EKG that I need. I wanted to go today but I wasn’t sure if the office had a half day or not because of tomorrow’s holiday.
I hate Mondays
I didn’t want to wake up this morning. It was raining and dark out. It wasn’t cold though but hot in the house because it was warm outside. I got a couple of messages from my pcp’s office about my medication. One they approved and one they didn’t. It was the one I really needed that wasn’t approved. I sent them a message to ask why it wasn’t approved. Hopefully it will get resolved today.
I am so tired. I just want to go back to sleep. I have therapy this afternoon. Hope I wake up. I had coffee but I think I will make a cup of tea. It is a perfect day for it. I don’t know why I am so tired. I had a good sleep with the exception of waking up at 5 to pee. I was able to go back to sleep quickly. I then woke up when my med alarm went off. I had to pee again so I got up.
Therapy went okay though I got annoyed at the end. She asked if I was going to be ok and I said yes and then she asked what was I going to do if I wasn’t. Apparently managing it on my own was not the answer she wanted but time ran out so she was stuck with it. WTF. It isn’t like I can text her when I am having a hard time. She might not be available. I wouldn’t text her anyway, unless I was very intent on acting on my feelings. I have been through enough crises to deal on my own to get through the hours until the next day. Then do it again the next day for how many days I need to. She doesn’t understand that. Or maybe she just thinks that calling a hotline will be better. It might be but I have yet for it to be beneficial for me. If anything it annoys me.
She wanted me to talk about what to do on days where I just wanted to stay in bed. Frankly, I couldn’t answer this and still can’t. I know that I should have some self-care on days I don’t feel like it but there are days where the fuck its are so strong, I just want to stay in bed and will do so. I don’t feel bad about doing so. There are days where things are just too much for me to bear and I can’t handle it. There aren’t many days where this will happen. I will get up and brush my teeth, have coffee and something to eat and then stay in my room because I don’t feel like going out. I wish my options were more varied but seeing as I can’t no longer hang at Starbucks, I just stay at home. It does get boring and I haven’t read any of my books for more than two weeks. I was on a roll but the Middle Eastern fantasy book had too many words I didn’t know that I would be spending all my time looking it up in the dictionary if they were real words and the Reagan book is boring as all hell. The writer sucks. But I won’t stop reading either until they are finished. I am the kind that finishes a book when started even if it takes me forever. I won’t be completing my challenge this year.