Tag Archives: psychotherapy

Swear post warning offensive language here in

Swear post warning offensive language here in

So about two hours ago, I was smelling something. Had no idea what the hell it was. I thought maybe a cord was burning, something was catching fire, checked all my wires and electrical stuff. Nothing. I go downstairs to see if my mother sprayed something, and it is coming from the hallway, or so I thought. I went back upstairs. The smell got worse. I decided to open the damn window, screw the storms. I shut the vent or opened it (no idea) on my AC. Then go downstairs again because I had to pee. I check on my mother as her sugar was low. She was fine and then I see the culprit. One of my sisters bought a Renuzit freshener thing that was pineapple and coconut. It was stinking up the house. I shut it, told my mother, put it in the kitchen, and then went back upstairs fucking swearing.

I was talking with my BFF about stuff. I asked if she was okay. She said she was but I knew she was stressed. I won’t go into it but I was glad she told me. I was getting sleepy so I told her goodnight and I will check in with her tomorrow. She said she hopes to sleep too. I lay down, and my fucking legs become stone and hurt like fucking hell. I sit up, take some magnesium as that is the only thing I can think of to calm it down. I shift my position, causing me to move my ankle. Dumb fucking move. I saw fucking stars. Still hurting so fucking bad. I waited, hoping it would settle down. It didn’t. BT med time! I start having anxiety. I am ready to call my fucking psychiatrist, but what the hell is she gonna do? It is fucking midnight. I hate this fucking shit.

All day I have been having body dysmorphia issues. I really hate my breasts. I want top surgery so damn bad. But because of my damn pain issues, I can’t have testosterone treatment, which is delaying the fucking top surgery consults and what not. If I had the money, they would be long gone! I would find a decent surgeon and be done with it. I hate my body. I hate myself more. I feel like I am a fucking idiot who should be fucking dead. My therapist said that it was reasonable that I am thinking about suicide. Who wouldn’t be if they were in my crummy shoes?

I have tried to get my head around it. Someone reported me, again, to Twitter about my talk about suicide. I have no idea what tweet it was as they didn’t tell me. If I did, I don’t remember it. I know I posted last Friday after my pain doc appt. But I don’t think I have posted anything this week. Unless the word itself, suicide, is what freaks people out and makes them report people. I don’t know. They are assholes. If they would talk to me, that would be okay. I don’t know. Sometimes I want to talk and other times, I get the concerned but I don’t know what to do with you people. And it is all fake sometimes. Pisses me off, like bother someone else with you fake sympathy or whatever bullshit you are giving me right now. I know what to do if my safety is in danger. Been down that road one too many times and don’t think that just because I talk about suicide that I don’t know the crisis number or the crisis text number or someone I can call if I feel like I am going to act on my thoughts/feelings. It’s as simple as that. Do I want to end my life, yes I do. Do I want to do it right this second? No. But the time will come when I have all my ducks in a row to execute my plan. I am working with my therapist to kind of break the cycle of overwhelm/end my life thoughts. But until then, I can still plan. It is an escape. You don’t believe me, do research.

I want the meds to work NOW. I don’t want to fucking wait. I am tired of waiting. I used to be a patient person. Now I am realizing being patient, means just that. You are a patient of some kind to someone. The pain doc, psychiatrist, physical therapist, etc. you have to wait to see them. And it fucking sucks. I am tired of waiting. I want treatment now. And dammit, if I don’t get treatment, I am going to die. Maybe not by the damn disease/condition I have, but by other means, which I don’t know exactly what they are. This dying this isn’t easy. Probably is if you have some lethal illness but not a chronic painful one.

I hate that I can’t move my damn ankle the way that it is suppose to move. It gets fucking upset with me. Going down the stairs or up the stairs aggravate it. My right ankle is sprained so it hurts because the tendons are swollen and stretched a little bit more than they are supposed to be. I also walked a lot today. And went up and down the stairs a lot to find out what that fucking smell was that was irritating my respiratory system. Set off my allergies big time. I am sending them a text tomorrow and put it in all caps. That will tell them how fucking pissed off I am. Assholes. I don’t know which sister it was, most likely the middle one but I can’t be sure. They will definitely hear about it later today.

6 August 2018

6 August 2018

I’ve decided for the month of August, I am going to use the date as my title, unless I can come up with a fancier title. I have found that I am just reusing my previous titles and coming up with something fresh is hard, after 6 years of blogging. Can’t believe this blog is 6 years old but it is.

Today started okay. I woke up around 0530 to use the bathroom and my mother had to as well. I waited for her to finish. I then changed the time for my morning meds so I could sleep a little later. It went off and I didn’t want to get up. I felt like I should have stayed up rather than go back to sleep. I said I would get up at 0930, but didn’t feel like it. I said ten and when I looked at my phone next, it was almost 11 and shit, I had to get up and do things. I checked on my mother. She was okay. The PT person was already come and gone. My mother just needed her ice bucket filled. I took the top off and water went everywhere. I got a towel and then took it off again. I emptied half of it and then filled it with ice. Brought it back to the living room. My mother plugged it in and then I went to check on my niece.

She was reading a book (a real one, not an electronic one). I didn’t say anything as I was just in awe. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, she said no. I asked why and she said she wasn’t hungry. I said did you eat last night? She said yes, her sister made her some eggs. Okay. I got my braces on and my sneakers. I was about to leave when I realized I forgot my cup. I had to go up the stairs with these damn braces and then back down. Thankfully, I did okay.

It was wicked hot out. I was sweating and almost soaked by the time I reached the bus stop. The sun was just beating down on the stop. I realized while I was waiting, I forgot to protect the sore that had popped up on Friday. I would take care of it when I get home. I had to buy the antibiotic cream anyway. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a bagel. I wish I brought another T-Shirt with me because I was drenched. But I didn’t and the other one would just get wet by the time I got home anyway so it didn’t matter. I wrote in my journal for a bit but didn’t write long. I left for the train and that is where my day went south.

The train came at a slow pace and by the time we got close to the next stop, it stopped. Something was wrong with the power. We had to get off the train after being on it for like 15 minutes, stuck in the tunnel. I texted my therapist to say I was going to be late. I waited for the “train that was behind the disabled train”. Which was another 5-10 minutes. Every stop had a hoard of people. I got off my stop as I had to yell coming out! Damn idiots with huge backpacks wouldn’t move to let me pass! I was so annoyed. Then I waited for the bus. It was another 10 minutes before it arrived. I was 15 minutes late for my appt and I wasn’t happy. I hate being late. I told my therapist about things in the short session. He was quickly realizing that I was doing all these things for people yet was not getting much in return. He was right. With the exception of my psychiatrist, no doctor was really helping me. The last few minutes I spent explaining how I was wearing a brace on my right ankle.

I decided to walk to the elevator after my appt rather than go down the narrow stairs with two braces on. I was so hot and tired but I still needed to go to the store. I wanted some protein bars and the antibiotic cream. I wish they had a mix and match with the antibiotic cream and bandages as each were buy one, get one 50% off. The protein bars that were 4/$5 didn’t have my flavor I liked. But there were other bars for 5/$5 that did have my favorite flavor. I got 5 of those. I then trekked home. I was so fricken hot and knew it was only going to be hotter in my house. It was slightly cool in my hallway, but the doors to both apartments were open so the heat was causing it to be warm. I checked on my niece and she didn’t eat anything but cereal. She said she was going to make a sandwich. As I took off my AFO, I saw the sore was all red and looked like the skin was worn away. I needed a shower. Every pore was full of sweat. Even my diaper was soaked (not the part that is supposed to catch urine, the part that goes around you). I went upstairs and my baby cousin was over. She looked at me and was gonna cry. She just looked at me like she didn’t know me, even though I saw her the other day. Kids are funny. I sat in front of the fan as I tried making her laugh. My feet were killing me and I was dreading the shower. I went upstairs to change, totally forgetting my aunt was over as I came down with just a change of clothes for the shower and the t-shirt I was wearing. Oops. I covered myself as I rushed to the bathroom. I grabbed a towel as I let the water run. Went back to the bathroom and shaved my head. My razor needed to be changed but I took off most of the hair that grew from yesterday. I shaved my pits while in the shower. I was going to use the trimmer but I had put deodorant on in the morning and didn’t want to clog the blades. I just used the razor in the shower. Then I washed off and tried to stay under the cool water for as long as I could stand it. I dried off and then wrapped the towel around me. It was longer than the other one so covered me. I then hurried upstairs before I was soaked again. My feet were barking. I cooled off a bit before I put the cream and a bandage on my sore.

My sister made potatoes and hot dogs for dinner. She didn’t make them like my mother. They were extremely mushy. Might as well have been mashed potatoes with hot dogs. She didn’t use my hot dogs because my mother “buys shit hot dogs” but used my brother in law’s which is worse as it’s a mix of pork, chicken, and beef. I buy all beef hot dogs. I gave her a look when she told me. She said why and I said because we have like 4 packages of hot dogs! And they are all beef. Then my aunt was saying something about it because she had to put in a word about it. I was hungry so just ate them. She didn’t burn any hot dogs, which is a shame as I like them burnt.
Now I am just going to relax as there isn’t a game on tonight. I think I am going to try and finish Norse Mythology. I wish I could drop the Poe Shadow book but I am already half way through it. It is just getting boring and seems to get more made up as it goes on. I know it is fiction and all, but usually the book has a beginning, climax, and end. This book’s climax seems to be going all over the place, which makes me weary on reading the author’s other books.

about today’s therapy session

After I wrote my blog last night, I stayed up for maybe an hour and then I crashed. I was so wiped out and knew if I fought it, I was going to get overtired and then sleep whenever. So I basically fell asleep by 2130. But fucking stupid pain woke me at 0100. Again it happened while I was dreaming to wake me up. Annoying. I had taken my pain meds so I don’t understand why I am waking up in pain. Doesn’t make sense. It was difficult to go back to sleep. Around 5, I made breakfast. I read. I laid down to try and sleep but then my fricken bones started hurting. I didn’t fall back to sleep until 0630. I took my morning meds before I tried sleeping, including my pain meds as I put the do not disturb on my phone but set my alarm for exclusion so I wouldn’t oversleep.

The damn thing went off at 10 but I didn’t want to get up. I had to sleep because I had a late therapy appointment and if I stayed up, I might be groggy by the time therapy rolled around. I didn’t want that. I took a shower and then went to my room to cool off. Then I made some cold cut sandwiches for lunch. I then left to do the errand for mother. When I was done, the bus was there so I took it, even though it wouldn’t take me to the square. I ordered my espresso got some Pike for home. Then I had my sandwich. It was good. I had brought some cookies in case I wanted something sweet but I was too full. I wrote in my journal for a bit and then left for therapy.

Therapy was good. I brought up some difficult things I wanted to discuss but wasn’t sure if he would dump me after I told him. I said so and he said there were only about 4 things that would cause him to dump me. 1) self-harm in his office, 2) injuring him, 3) destroying any of his office things, and the 4) undressing in his in office. Then asked him if he planned on undressing and he said no. Good. I really don’t want to see him naked!

We had a good chat around my suicidality. I brought up some points that my friend on Twitter brought up with the blog I wrote over the weekend. He asked why I thought it would scare him away and I said because I wasn’t sure how crazy you would think I am. He said he has extensive work in trauma so understands how things can get wonky trying to cope with it when you don’t know how to cope, basically (my words, not his). I felt better talking about this and asked what to do about it and he gave me an answer that I didn’t like, which was “this”. And I was like what, put things in a bag and then pull them out one by one? Deal with everything? Come on, man, give me some guidance! We went over the stuff little by little until time ran out. But there is no structure with how we will proceed and that kind of irks me. He said I like control and I do, to a degree. This guy really gets me and I am so glad because I can talk to him and not worry he is going to force me to go to the hospital after we talk or bind me to some safety contract before leaving. The suicidologist in me is totally freaking out about this because there should be SOME plan but there isn’t. He has said that if I want to kill myself, I am free to do so, just don’t do it in his office, basically. This is really hard to grasp when I have had 27 years of therapists that have been very strict on safety and calling for help and the what not of trying to keep me alive. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t give a shit if I live or die, but today I got a glimpse that he does care if I do. Usually, the therapist’s care if what helps me to know if I am worth caring about. I know my psychiatrist cares. She wouldn’t nudge me and be a pain in the ass about me seeing her if she didn’t. I don’t get that way with this therapist though. If I want to cancel, it is okay where past therapists have always given me a hassle on why did I cancel like if I didn’t have a good enough reason, I couldn’t cancel the session. I tell him I can’t make it, and that is fine with him. He understands that I have a medical condition that sometimes forces me out of the game. I sometimes cannot physically make it in. I try though and I sometimes wait too long to cancel until I realize I can’t cancel because it is past the golden hour to do so.

Anyway, these are just my experiences with this therapist. I like him even though there is no structure. Just talk and see where it goes kind of deal. It kind of drives me crazy some times but it is also okay because there is no linear path of getting better. Just like my memoir. It goes forwards and backwards. I hope we do talk about what we talked about today again. I think I will have to bring it up to work on it. I just don’t see him doing that.

randomness 23 July 18

Randomness 23 July 18

I sent off an email to my psychiatrist sometime last night as I was in so much pain and I was angry. I told her I didn’t want to see her and to say this email is notification of cancellation of our next appt. I eventually went to sleep sometime after 1 am. I had put on a brace as the pain was just so bad. The compression of the brace helped but didn’t take it away completely.

I woke up to my phone’s med alarm. I took my meds but didn’t take my allergy pill. I went back to sleep but tried not to go into a deep sleep as I had to be up in a few hours. My psych had responded to my email but I didn’t have my glasses on to see what she said. I got up around a little after 11 am. I read the email and she basically said that she hopes I feel differently in the morning. I don’t. I don’t want to see her. I then took a shower. The house was like a sauna. I don’t know why I bothered picking out clothes. I was drenched in sweat by the time I came back to my room to cool off. I had an hour before I had to leave the house for the bus. I thought that was a good time.

I left and when I opened the door, it was raining so I went back in to get my umbrella. I wasn’t going to use my Bluetooth headset. The rain let up and the clouds cleared but it was still humid as hell. Then the skies opened up. Glad there was some drizzle before it happened to give me time to reopen my umbrella. It let up, again, by the time the bus finally arrived.

I got to starbucks and they had a new sandwich. I tried it and didn’t like it. I might as well as just pour a shaker of salt in my mouth. It was so salty. And the “bacon” was more like a ham. I couldn’t take the egg as everything else was overpowering. I felt like ordering something else but I didn’t want to get up. Then I looked at the time and shit, it was 1330! I had to leave for my appt. I quickly threw away what I didn’t eat, grabbed my coffee, and left for the train station. When I got to my stop and was waiting for the bus, I texted my therapist saying I might be late. Bus came like 30 seconds later so I was on time.

I didn’t talk about anything in particular. I told him about living alone and how scary it was the other day when there was no adults home and my ankle gave out. He said I should look into assisted living programs before something else happens to my mother, like her being forced in a nursing home or something worse. I said I will. I know there are some residential programs popping up around my city. I think you have to be apart of the Department of Mental Health to apply for them, though. I am sure there are others that maybe Medicare will have. I don’t have to look right this second but my mother being in the rehab has been an eye opener. We talked about my anxieties while she was gone and how difficult it was to keep up basic chores, like washing dishes and such. I didn’t tell him about the email I sent to my psychiatrist at all. I didn’t want to talk about it.

I left and was wondering what I was going to do for dinner. It was too hot to cook or use the oven. I just caught the bus home and was lost in my music as I was walking home. My legs have been feeling like lead all day. My lower body didn’t want to work at all. It just hurt to stand and walk. There was mail in the mailbox and I was sweating a lot by the time I got in the house. I just wanted to go up to my room and cool off. My mother called and wanted me to give my aunt some things that she needed. I also gave her some mail that I thought was important. I rested until I was sufficiently cool to go back out again. My cousin was parked outside my aunt’s house and we talked. He said he would be taking my aunt to see my mother. I told him I guess that means you won’t be taking me to Stop and Shop. He said sorry. Thanks for nothing bud. I might just take the bus, if the weather is decent. I have no idea if it is going to be just as humid or not. There are a few things I need to get that the online grocery doesn’t have, like a quart of milk. All they have is a half-gallon. I don’t need it as I got soy milk and almond milk. But I do like milk for when I have tea. I also wanted some cold cuts so I could make sandwiches. I can only get half a pound in the grocery app. So stupid but I guess they need the quantity in order to make it worthwhile.

it is hot and I am hangry

It is hot and I am hangry

I have been in a kind of pissy mood most of the day. I found out that it is because I am hungry. I felt better once I had breakfast and then didn’t eat again until I got home from therapy. I was so friggen angry. Every moron was in my way. I nearly missed my stop because I lost track of the stops. I thought I got on the train where my psychiatrist is. My therapist is two stops later. I was so angry and distracted by my phone, I lost count and luckily looked up in time. No matter, the bus decided not to show up. I caught the bus down the street to catch the 1545 bus that would take me home. I am so mad! And HOT. On the way home, I saw my cousin sitting on the wall by Walgreens. I guess he stopped to relax as his prescription wasn’t ready. We talked on the way home. It had been a while since we chatted. I have his number blocked because he annoys me. Sorry but if I don’t answer my phone the first time, that doesn’t give you permission to call every two minutes for 10 minutes trying to reach me!!

I ordered food because I didn’t want to heat up the pulled pork or make something else. I was too tired and hot. Therapy went okay. He is on vacation for two weeks. Kind of weird not seeing him. He asked why. I said because we have not really had two consecutive weeks of not seeing each other. Maybe every other week but not two weeks. And in that time frame, I don’t have anything else scheduled. Mostly because the All Star game is playing, which means the Sox are off for four days. I hate that week. I miss my boys playing. I can’t believe we are almost at the midway point. We lost big time last night. Sox got their asses handed to them all because of OverPriced Price. Fricken asshole. I think he did it on purpose so he can find some excuse not to play them next time. Fricken loser he is. And a $31 million dollar one at that!

I wrote my friend an email. I sent her an email a couple weeks ago with a doggie pic of the breed she likes. But my stupid phone did something to the email I wrote and it got stuck in my outbox so the only thing that got sent was the pic, then it looked like she responded but there was nothing. I don’t know. I used my computer to send her another message with an update. I am seeing my friends that are south of Boston on the 4th. I am wicked excited. I told them I might be late as the T is running on a Sunday schedule, which means no service to the red line. I hope I can get a ride from my sister. She hasn’t answered my text so not sure what she is doing. If I can’t, I will have to go to the Orange line and transfer to the red. I have no idea how the trains are going to be running. I know I will probably need a cab home.

My back started to act up soon after I got up. Started with my right buttock hurting. I used a tennis ball to massage it. Now my lower back on the right side is hurting. Feels like the muscles want to be torn away from my spine and sacrum. I just hurt. I took some ibuprofen to help with the pain. It is all muscles. I have no radiating pain that would indicate a nerve problem. Weird thing is that I am having zaps (electric shocks) going through the sole of my left foot. It is mild but can cause me to jump at any minute. I had to put my foot at a weird angle to make it stop. Hate zaps. They are more unpredictable than flares. Come when you least expect it and just going about your business. Fuckers. I wish I didn’t have PT tomorrow but the next few days are going to be hot either way. Friday there are going to be storms so I don’t want to go out in that. I just want to hug my AC. I woke up freezing around maybe 4 this morning. I had to shut it off. Then I woke up hot. It didn’t matter as I had to be up anyways. I wish I stayed up than go back to sleep. I feel so worn out. Even my therapist said I was tired.