Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping
I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.
I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.
I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.
I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.
Painful and depressing Sunday 24102021
I woke up several times during the night because I was in pain and had to pee. I didn’t have the urge to pee but several hours had passed without me going so I figure I might as well empty while I was up. Today I had two bowel movements while I voided. I didn’t check to see if there was residual urine. I just didn’t feel like checking. I have been in an awful mood since I woke up around 9. I am in pain with my shoulder and I have pain going down my arm into my hand. There has been a few times where my hand felt numb so I am glad I am seeing the doctor tomorrow. I have neck pain as well. I think that is because I am not using my shoulder the way I should because it is injured.
I got my benefits package in yesterday’s mail. Everything is going up. Copays for PT and specialists are now $30 but mental health is $10. Meds are the same but as one of my meds are brand name, I asked my doc for a 90 day supply as it would be cheaper for me. I am waiting to see what he says. My deductible has also gone up to $300 before they pay for everything. Hope I can swing it.
I have been tired most of the day but haven’t been able to nap. I had a second cup of coffee with lunch. My sister made chili that was really good. I had a yogurt for dessert. My groceries came in and I had some donuts. I think that will be my dinner. I was going to make buttermilk biscuits but I don’t feel like cooking. My arm is really sore. My thigh has been flared up with nerve pain so my whole left side is full of pain right now. I am thinking of putting a lido patch on my thigh soon. I might put one on my arm too.
Since I have been taking magnesium, the spasms have stopped in my back. I still feel achy there. I will call the PT office to set up some appointments with hopefully the same PT I have been seeing. I have a slow week of appointments this week. Next week I have a lot. I am going to wait to call the PT until after I see the ortho guy for my shoulder in case he wants me to have PT there first. I am kind of concerned that there is a fragment in my shoulder caused by one of the fractures. I don’t know if that has to be taken out or not. I am really nervous that I will need surgery for my shoulder and then I won’t be able to take care of myself one handed. I am going to go for X-rays tomorrow to see how things look. Hope things look better. I just hope I sleep tonight or getting up in the morning is going to be tough. I have to be at my appointment fifteen minutes early so they can do the x-rays. I will want to have a cup of coffee before I go and something to eat.
Another day of being depressed
I woke up early for my doctor’s appointment. I had my coffee and then it was time to leave. The appointment went well. The doc saw no discharge and said that there is just a little opening left to heal. I am healing up pretty good. I should have used the bathroom before leaving but I just wanted to get home. I stopped at the CVS to get some water because I was thirsty. I don’t know if that played any effect but when I came home, I lost control of bladder. The urge was just so damn strong and I have been dealing with it since then. I cathed after I void and there is a lot of residual urine so I am not emptying my bladder when I void.
I asked the doc if taking out the uterus and the shift in hormone would play a part in the depression I have been feeling. She said it is unlikely but will send a note to my psychiatrist. I was so depressed today that moving was very difficult. I just felt like I was walking in mud. My legs felt so damn heavy. I came home and had something to eat then took a nap. I was in bed most of the afternoon.
I ordered Chipotle for dinner. It has been on my mind for most of the day. I wanted to bring my book with me but I forgot it. I almost forgot my bag with the caths in them. I wasn’t rushed to leave this morning I was just forgetful because I was sleepy. I had a good night sleep but this depression is taking away so much of my energy. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about increasing the antidepressant I am on and he said it was okay but because he wasn’t the prescriber, I would have to go through my neurologist. So I sent her a message. I probably won’t hear back from her till Tues or Wed.
I got on Twitter when I logged on my laptop. I was dismayed to see another variant of the virus is out. WTF. This thing is not going to go away until more people are vaccinated. I briefly read an article about how the anti-vaccine people don’t want people to go to the ERs anymore. I stopped reading it because I knew it was just going to upset me. I read one tweet where people were into hydrogen peroxide and I am like this is just nuts. There is a safe, effective vaccine out there that is free but people are spending their money on junk to avoid it.
Today was muggy even though it was only in the 70s. There was call for rain but I missed it. It rained sometime while I was snoozing as I heard the rain beat on my AC. I hope that is all the rain we are going to have because the Sox are playing at Fenway tonight and it’s an important game. Actually the next few games are important for the wild card. If we don’t beat the Yanks, our chance for playing in the playoffs won’t be good. We are on a 7 game streak right now. I just hope I will be awake to listen to the 9th inning. I am so damn tired despite having a nap. Maybe after I eat I will feel better.
Five weeks post op and in bad mood
Last night my foot/ankle started hurting with stabbing pains. It continues into today. I am in a rotten mood. I read a chapter and a half of Enemy of the People. It is helping to distract me in a weird way. I don’t feel like coloring yet but it is on my agenda. I just feel so poorly. I emptied my bladder and now I have abdominal pain and I just can’t cope. So I decided to write.
I sent my therapist a message. I asked her if I could show up without being productive. Not sure how she will respond to the question. I really don’t feel like going to therapy. I know I should because I am very depressed but I just don’t feel like talking if there has to be an agenda in session. I am not motivated to be productive right now. I just want someone to listen to me and I think that is the fucking job of a therapist to do, not create a plan for session.
I am full of melancholy. My thoughts are dark again. The CRPS pain isn’t helping my mood. I keep thinking I will be better off dead. My appetite has been poor. I managed to heat up some quiche for lunch. I had it with coffee that I didn’t even finish. Yesterday all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure. I just haven’t been hungry. I was thinking of ordering roast beef today but not sure I will. Maybe for dinner.
I still have some crap on my pad. I don’t see the doc until Friday morning. I set two alarms so I get up. Waking up in the morning has been extremely hard the past few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning and have a cup of coffee while my sister was here. She just came back from her trip to Europe. She gave me some funny socks. While I was cooking the quiche, I shaved my head. I might shower today. Sometimes that helps to make my mood better.
My pain just jumped. I just took some more pain meds with an Ativan as I am wicked anxious and overwhelmed. I guess I am not showering as that would take too much energy and might cause more pain. My pain doc would not like that I am taking Ativan with my pain meds but I don’t give a fucking shit what she thinks. I have been taking them both for years and I am still here so there.
I wish I was seeing the surgeon tomorrow rather than Friday. I hate wearing underwear and a pad. I want to wear my boxers again. They are more comfortable. Every day there is discharge and I can’t stand it. That along with the stupid abdominal pain from my bladder is just driving me nuts. I have no one to talk to about it. I just feel so alone right now. Least my incision has healed up and isn’t open anymore. I was worried I was going to get an infection there. It will hurt if I press on it though so I don’t do that.