another day of being depressed

Another day of being depressed

I woke up early for my doctor’s appointment. I had my coffee and then it was time to leave. The appointment went well. The doc saw no discharge and said that there is just a little opening left to heal. I am healing up pretty good. I should have used the bathroom before leaving but I just wanted to get home. I stopped at the CVS to get some water because I was thirsty. I don’t know if that played any effect but when I came home, I lost control of bladder. The urge was just so damn strong and I have been dealing with it since then. I cathed after I void and there is a lot of residual urine so I am not emptying my bladder when I void.

I asked the doc if taking out the uterus and the shift in hormone would play a part in the depression I have been feeling. She said it is unlikely but will send a note to my psychiatrist. I was so depressed today that moving was very difficult. I just felt like I was walking in mud. My legs felt so damn heavy. I came home and had something to eat then took a nap. I was in bed most of the afternoon.

I ordered Chipotle for dinner. It has been on my mind for most of the day. I wanted to bring my book with me but I forgot it. I almost forgot my bag with the caths in them. I wasn’t rushed to leave this morning I was just forgetful because I was sleepy. I had a good night sleep but this depression is taking away so much of my energy. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about increasing the antidepressant I am on and he said it was okay but because he wasn’t the prescriber, I would have to go through my neurologist. So I sent her a message. I probably won’t hear back from her till Tues or Wed.

I got on Twitter when I logged on my laptop. I was dismayed to see another variant of the virus is out. WTF. This thing is not going to go away until more people are vaccinated. I briefly read an article about how the anti-vaccine people don’t want people to go to the ERs anymore. I stopped reading it because I knew it was just going to upset me. I read one tweet where people were into hydrogen peroxide and I am like this is just nuts. There is a safe, effective vaccine out there that is free but people are spending their money on junk to avoid it.

Today was muggy even though it was only in the 70s. There was call for rain but I missed it. It rained sometime while I was snoozing as I heard the rain beat on my AC. I hope that is all the rain we are going to have because the Sox are playing at Fenway tonight and it’s an important game. Actually the next few games are important for the wild card. If we don’t beat the Yanks, our chance for playing in the playoffs won’t be good. We are on a 7 game streak right now. I just hope I will be awake to listen to the 9th inning. I am so damn tired despite having a nap. Maybe after I eat I will feel better.

five weeks post op and in bad mood

Five weeks post op and in bad mood

Last night my foot/ankle started hurting with stabbing pains. It continues into today. I am in a rotten mood. I read a chapter and a half of Enemy of the People. It is helping to distract me in a weird way. I don’t feel like coloring yet but it is on my agenda. I just feel so poorly. I emptied my bladder and now I have abdominal pain and I just can’t cope. So I decided to write.

I sent my therapist a message. I asked her if I could show up without being productive. Not sure how she will respond to the question. I really don’t feel like going to therapy. I know I should because I am very depressed but I just don’t feel like talking if there has to be an agenda in session. I am not motivated to be productive right now. I just want someone to listen to me and I think that is the fucking job of a therapist to do, not create a plan for session.

I am full of melancholy. My thoughts are dark again. The CRPS pain isn’t helping my mood. I keep thinking I will be better off dead. My appetite has been poor. I managed to heat up some quiche for lunch. I had it with coffee that I didn’t even finish. Yesterday all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure. I just haven’t been hungry. I was thinking of ordering roast beef today but not sure I will. Maybe for dinner.

I still have some crap on my pad. I don’t see the doc until Friday morning. I set two alarms so I get up. Waking up in the morning has been extremely hard the past few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning and have a cup of coffee while my sister was here. She just came back from her trip to Europe. She gave me some funny socks. While I was cooking the quiche, I shaved my head. I might shower today. Sometimes that helps to make my mood better.

My pain just jumped. I just took some more pain meds with an Ativan as I am wicked anxious and overwhelmed. I guess I am not showering as that would take too much energy and might cause more pain. My pain doc would not like that I am taking Ativan with my pain meds but I don’t give a fucking shit what she thinks. I have been taking them both for years and I am still here so there.

I wish I was seeing the surgeon tomorrow rather than Friday. I hate wearing underwear and a pad. I want to wear my boxers again. They are more comfortable. Every day there is discharge and I can’t stand it. That along with the stupid abdominal pain from my bladder is just driving me nuts. I have no one to talk to about it. I just feel so alone right now. Least my incision has healed up and isn’t open anymore. I was worried I was going to get an infection there. It will hurt if I press on it though so I don’t do that.

why does therapy have to be so hard

Why does therapy have to be so hard?

why does therapy have to be so hard? I have a good therapist but just feel a disconnect with her and it makes it so damn hard to go to therapy because of it. also she wants sessions to be productive and i am just not motivated. with her for 2 yrs now. just don’t see the point. Yesterday I left after fifteen minutes. She said she couldn’t hold me here so I said let’s schedule for next week and she did. I said bye. This is the first time a therapist let me leave the session early. She texted me later on that afternoon as she had a conflict with the time she gave me, she had to change it. So I said ok it is fine and hope to see you. She asked why hope? I frankly said I don’t care for therapy anymore and want to quit. I am not suicidal just very depressed. If she wants me to have productive sessions that is just burdening me because I am not motivated to be productive all the time. I know I have issues but it takes a lot for me to deal with them. This therapist isn’t the inviting type so I am put off by her stance of sure just leave if you don’t want to be here. I just feel like she doesn’t care if I am there or not. I am struggling to be present in therapy and this is just making it harder to go.

I had my appointment with my pcp today. It went ok. He wants to see me in three months unless something comes up and I need to see him sooner. I woke up late so didn’t have my coffee so after the appointment I did. I had two cups and wanted to sleep but my B&B went out of whack and I kept going to the bathroom.

I just had a lovely webinar with Dr. Suzanne Koven about writing. It was wonderful. Just writing twenty minutes a day has been shown to help ease anxiety and stress. I am glad I do this blogging every day as it does help me. Dr. Koven is a brilliant writer. I enjoyed listening to her tonight.

a good review

A review

I got this review that I found on my Amazon site the other day. It was written two years ago. Amazon doesn’t notify you when someone leaves a review. But I am happy this person left it. I sent it to my former therapist and she loved it. I sent the review to my cousin and now he wants a copy of the book, signed. I got to order more as I am running low on my copies. I think I gave away my last one. I plan on mailing it out today. It is really nice out.

I had therapy yesterday. It went ok I guess. She doesn’t think going back to school is a good idea. She gave a good example of how therapy is more than just an hour session and so is a class. You need to do the work so now I am thinking of how to do the work outside of our sessions. It bothers me that I can’t go back to college. I really would like my bachelor’s degree from UMass/Boston. I am not sure how I will pay for it but the idea that I just can’t go kills me. I know the stress will not be good for me. It is why I had to quit in 2008. I suffered a psychotic breakdown and I never recovered from it.

I am so fricken tired. I took a two hour nap and I am still fricken tired. I have no energy for anything. Wed is going to be a long day. I have an 8am appointment. I plan on shaving and showering today. I really need to wash my hair as it is very itchy.

I finally am registered for the vaccine and have an appointment Thursday. It is at the convention center in Boston. It is going to be a bit of a walk for me. I think I am going to get off at the T stop rather than walk from Copley. It is going to be 70 degrees out that day so that will be so good. I love going to the Back Bay area. I used to go to college around the corner from there.

I woke up this morning with my shoulders, neck, and ankle hurting me. I had to take a breakthrough med. I didn’t want to so early in the day but I was in so much pain. My PT is not going to be happy about this. I also took some Zanaflex to help relax the muscles. I hate that it gives me dry mouth. I have the lozenges for dry mouth. It helps a lot.

My phone is acting up today for some reason. Apps are closing while using them and I keep getting messages for other apps that something is wrong and it need to close. I’ve restarted the phone several times. There is an update that I just checked. I am installing it now so I hope that helps this issue. I also updated the PRL profile. OK, updates have been installed and I still cannot open the wordpress app. Fuck. I hope I don’t have to do a uninstall/reinstall. There is no update for the app. I don’t know what happened to my phone overnight. I really don’t want to get a new phone. I do need to take a line off my phone because I am not using it. I got to go to the store and have it removed because I tried with a chat and they are so dumb they didn’t know what I was talking about.