therapy and stuff

Therapy and stuff

I had a difficult therapy session today. I got blocked and told my therapist this and things just fell apart. It was toward the end of session. We talked about what I wanted therapy to be like and her thoughts were that if I wanted to get better, I had to change and to go about wanting to change. If I wanted to just see her for venting that was fine but I wasn’t going to get better by doing that. I just wanted to fucking run so damn fucking bad. She said she was the GPS but I was driving the car. I had to get in the car. I guess right now I am unsure whether I want to be in the car. We didn’t set up a following appointment. I told her I would get back to her when I wanted to and she was okay with this. I think I am going to take a break from therapy for a bit to sort things out.

We talked about my grief and how sad I was at the loss of my uncle and the anniversary of my aunt’s passing. I still am grieving her loss. November is birthday month and now it is also remembering that my aunt passed away. She died on my godfather’s birthday. I miss them both.

I told my therapist that I had hit a block when I was writing about my grief the other day. She gave me a new angle to look at it but then I became blocked during session. She wanted me to talk about my feelings and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel safe enough to talk about it I think. This whole virtual therapy feels so awkward. I still am not used to talking after all this time. I find it kind of distracting. I’m either staring at myself with glances at my therapist or watching my therapist glance at me while her eyes are down. I hate watching myself because I hate the way I look.

I managed to brush my teeth and wash my face today. I also made coffee. My mother made mac and cheese so I had some of that. I wanted a grilled cheese but I still haven’t managed to make it yet. I am too afraid of burning it. I just had pumpkin pie for dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking.

Tomorrow I have the pain psychologist meeting. I hope she can help me cope with my pain. I haven’t been doing so good with it lately and pain has been out of control some days. Last night I had to put on some diclofenac gel in order to quiet down the pain. It helped to bring it down some so I could sleep. I am not in too much pain today. I’ve been having to take gaba nearly every day for the past week. My appetite has been through the roof but I have been controlling it. It has been hard but possible.

a rainy day of pain

A rainy day of pain

It is cold and rainy today. My back has been cramping like crazy. I just gave in to meds that were better than the Zanaflex I was taking. I had to take a pain med because my ankle flared up. I don’t know why as I haven’t been on my feet that much. But I did manage a shower so maybe the water aggravated it. I don’t know what triggers the pain. If I did I would avoid doing it. I canceled PT for today because I didn’t feel up to it. I had therapy. I told her that I was having suicidal thoughts again. They have been passing thoughts, thankfully. None have stuck around long enough to do anything more than wish I was dead.

My therapist always asks what to do about helping me get better. She suggested I try meditation so I agreed to look for something that would work. She wants me to do one thing of it every day. She thinks that because I am not accepting of my illness that it is harming me. I don’t see how it can harm something that you don’t want to accept but then again, I have not fully accepted that I have a severe form of mental illness. There are parts of it that I do accept but it is hard. I have been dealing with this for more than 30 years. I have accepted that I need medication for my illness. I realized that back when I was 16. Doesn’t make it easy to take them sometimes though.

I can’t believe how much I am hurting today. I hope the way the weather is doesn’t hold that I can’t stand cold weather. I love the cold. But my body has not been so accepting of it in recent years. It gets worse with every winter. I just hope it is because of the rain my back has been cramping so damn much today. Even while laying down I have been hurting. Sucks.

Twitter has been difficult today because of the SCOTUS hearing. I don’t like the nominee and I think she will be very bad for women’s and LGBTQ rights, which is why Dufuss picked her. I bet he thought we could be fooled because she is a woman. I just hope the VP doesn’t cast the last vote like the other person. It will suck if that happens. It will all come down to the few Rs that like changing their minds last minute.

The other day I finally mailed in my ballot for the election. Now I don’t have to worry about going to the polls. I was worried that I wasn’t going to get the mail in ballot on time. I like that my mother voted this election because it was mail in. Usually she doesn’t vote. I think the turn out is going to be better in recent years because of the mail in option, least in my state anyways. I hate hearing that some ballots are being rejected because the person is POC. I hate that there is such voter suppression in certain states.

Sunday Blog 16082020

Sunday Blog 16082020

I took a shower and I am tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up to use the bathroom. I wanted to go to the pharmacy but I got too lazy. Sox lost last night. I don’t have high hopes of them winning tonight either. They have no pitching and it is just pitiful.

I did the same thing today that I did yesterday, sleep late and do nothing. I am just so tired. I kept waking up early to use the bathroom and I didn’t really drink that much so I don’t get it. But as long as my kidneys are working that is important.

I feel depressed today. I have been in a down mood since I woke up. I don’t know why. I wrote my psych an email and I didn’t even finish it. I just sent it without closing remarks. I still am nervous about surgery. I will be in two weeks. I have the anesthesia call this week. I still haven’t heard from the lab about Covid testing. I hope to hear from them this week. My therapist is on vacation this week. I am glad. I can use the break. I probably will have another break from her after my surgery.

Back has been acting up with spasms all day. It is driving me crazy. I just took some Zanaflex to try and quiet them down. I have to start taking some Miralax soon as I haven’t had a decent bowel movement in a week. I started taking magnesium supplements tonight to try and help the bowels. I sometimes go when I take mag. I wanted to shave today but my back has been so messed up that I couldn’t stand long enough to. I hope the magnesium helps the spasms, too.

I have Hamilton running through my brain. Yesterday I listened to the musical again. It is becoming a Saturday tradition. I love it and I learn something new each time I hear it. The weather has been cool the past two days. To my surprise, the temps have been in the 60s which is beautiful. I still had to use the AC at times because my room was stuffy. I still need to go to the pharmacy. I hope tomorrow I will be up before 2pm so I can go. I also want to make coffee. I haven’t had it in a few days because I have been sleeping so late. I just don’t want to get out of bed. I got to talk to my cousin to see if he will take me to the grocery store. I need more Gatorade.

random thoughts 05082020

Random thoughts 05082020

I went to buy some dark chocolate today and was rewarded with Godiva ganache hearts, which is the best of the best dark chocolate. It is so fricken good. I bought two packages. I could have bought all four that were there but I didn’t want to be greedy. I came home and I was exhausted. I made a bacon burger for lunch and then tried to nap but couldn’t sleep. I had coffee before I went to the store and it just made me tired. Tomorrow I might go to Starbucks before therapy and get a macchiato. I am in love with their Caramel Cloud Macchiato. It is so good. I think that will be good for me to go out. I am getting cabin fever staying inside all the time.

I wanted to shave and shower today but I am just too tired. Plus my ankle has been acting up so standing is an issue. I will try to do it tomorrow before therapy. I don’t know if my therapist has decided to meet twice a week because I am off my meds or what. But we have been the past week. If I end up seeing her Monday, I will know she really is concerned about me. I sent her a message that I thought made sense but when I read it, it didn’t make any sense whatsoever. Have no idea when I sent it. I think it was in the early morning hours when I couldn’t sleep the other night. I should have written what I wanted to and be done with it but my brain went a different direction.

Sox are playing now. I don’t care to listen to the game. They are playing at the Trop and I hate that ballpark. Sox are off tomorrow. Two of my favorite players are not playing tonight because they are in slumps. Both are left handed hitters and tonight’s pitcher was a lefty so I understand why they gave them the night off but it sucks because there are only so many games. The sox are not doing well anyways. I think their record is like 4-11. Least it was the last I checked. It has been good baseball has been back but it isn’t the same without fans at the game. The noise level isn’t the same and the energy the fans bring is obviously not there. Kind of sad.

I really like Taylor’s new album. My stupid phone only downloaded 14 of the 16 so I had to manipulate the settings to get the two songs I was missing. Of course one of them would be the number one song in the top 100 hits. I am so happy she made history by being the first artist to be number one on Top 100 Hits and Billboard’s 200. I have a feeling she will be there for a while. This is such a good album.

I hope I sleep tonight. Last night I woke up to pee at like 0330 and couldn’t go back to sleep till 5ish. It did me in as I was tired for most of the day. My level of depression has been high today. Gender dysphoria has been in high gear the past few days. I really hate my body right now and I don’t want to grow facial hair until I get my top surgery done, which is going to take some doing. I feel stuck and I guess I am as I can’t move forward with my transition until I lose weight. I don’t think it is fair that I have to lose weight to lose the things on my chest. It makes me so depressed. I hate being in this body and what is worse is that I have grown hair on my chest so I have hairy breasts. Totally fucks with me. Part of me wonders if I will be alive long enough to have this surgery. Right now I feel like I will be better off dead than continue to live the way that I am living right now.