Fast Car

Fast Car

This song has been covered by my favorite male country artist, Luke Comb. I started crying listening to it because it brought back such memories of the past. It made me sad that things are changed and now I will never be able to work or do much else. I am feeling discouraged because of my back pain right now. I tried going to the bathroom again and failed to cath on the first try. I thought I was going to pass out on the toilet as I couldn’t stand for the length of time to pee. It took longer because I couldn’t get it done right. Pissed me off, no pun intended.

I am having a difficult time sleeping again. I can’t seem to settle down. It has been like this all day. I got a bloody headache so made myself a sandwich, which took more spoons than I thought it would. I was already in the negative. I couldn’t have someone else make me the sandwich because there is no one else. I could have heated up some chili but I will have that tomorrow with some tortilla wraps. It is really good with the flour tortillas. I like to make a little burrito out of the chili.

My sister made a beef stew today. It was her first. It was okay. I like my mother’s better. Hers had a weird taste to it. I am not sure what it was, possibly too many bay leaves. There was nothing to the thing as the potatoes had disintegrated and there was hardly any beef. It was all stew which was good with a couple pieces of bread. I always enjoy a stew. I need to buy some chunky soup. I haven’t had them in a long while and the soup is really thick. I like soups that are hearty.

I don’t know if my blogs have been making sense. They have been just a stream of consciousness that I use because I cannot sleep. I would write but my fine motor skills have been affected by the medication Invega. I also been taking PRNs of trilafon, another culprit in the deterioration of my skills. I just feel so shaky lately because of this fatigue. I am not looking forward tomorrow. I know I will be fine but it might take me a few days to recover.

I’ve been in contact with my psych and she wants to have a zoom meeting with me. I will be seeing her face to face for the first time in 9 months. Can’t believe it has been that long. She sent me her information for our appointment and I can’t wait. I just hope there are no glitches. That would really suck. Things have been going okay with the virtual visits for therapy. I haven’t been fully present though so I find it hard to talk about stuff because I don’t know what to talk about. I am not really depressed though I am feeling devastated at times. I cannot believe that my surgeon was so good to help me get better but things will still take time. I have it in my record now that I had a tethered cord. I got to contact my neurologist and let her know about it. I know she wanted to know the outcome of the surgery. Maybe I will do that tomorrow as I don’t have anything else to tell her other than I got a numb butt and genitalia. Price of surgery I guess. I just hope in time feeling comes back. I got to ask the surgeon this. He would know or maybe he wouldn’t know for sure but I think feeling will come back in time because there is no other compression going on. He had to irritate the nerve to get it to go numb. Those nerves are sensitive and take a while to recover, if they recover at all. That is why I am worried and devastated at times. Bladder is still being the same as it has been though I have been voiding more just because I want to see if I could. I do but I don’t empty my bladder fully so that isn’t good. That can lead to infection with residual urine in the tank. I am emptied now and hope that I can sleep. It is just after midnight so I will stop here for now.

say this not that

here is a link to an important article on suicide

Suicide: Say this, not that

what to say to someone that is suicidal. Please learn it and don’t be a dick.

2 am thoughts

2 am thoughts

I woke up about an hour ago because my bladder said to. I had a difficult time trying to go back so I decided to write. Laptop was doing updates so I had to wait a bit for it to finish before the thing could start. I got a message from my neurosurgeon for me to callback in the morning. I forgot what I sent them so I had to look in the sent messages. You can only look at these messages on the web not through the app. I had asked the surgeon if he would look at the disc that I am concerned about while I am under anesthesia to make sure I won’t have problems in the future with it.

I was looking over my last blog so I didn’t repeat anything here but things are on my mind. I think I do have a UTI as I am getting pain on urination with the catheter. After I void, it stings and is sore. I don’t know if I am not inserting it gently enough or what, you need to put some pressure in order to put it in. I will try to be gentler next time, which will be in a few hours. My body seems to want to expel urine every 4-5 hours. Sometimes the void urge is strong and I am able to go but sometimes it isn’t and I have to cath. Sometimes if I sit and wait eventually I go but this is after like 5-10 minutes of waiting to see if my bladder will go on its own. Just when I think I will have to cath, it goes. So frustrating. I never thought I would be this disabled before. I knew it was a chance with my discs being the way they are but I didn’t think it would happen due to a tethered cord.

Ankle is hurting a bit more than it did the last few hours. I hate when I wake up in a 5-7 level of pain. It makes me want to stay in bed but I got some things to do today so I need to try and do them even though I know it will be hard. I need to get eggs and tortilla wraps. Also need cling wrap and I want fricken Oreos dammit. I love the golden ones better than the chocolate ones but the thins are the best! It has the right amount of cookie and filling. I might get both if they are on sale. Depends on how much the eggs are as I need at least a 2 dozen. I want to make 12 burritos so I need 2 dozen as you need 2 eggs per burrito. Otherwise, you don’t yield as much eggs when you go along. I know because I have done this before. I tried 6 last time on 8 eggs and it didn’t get me very far. I was able to stretch it to 5 but the eggs were not as much as the first. I have trouble judging how much to put in each burrito when there isn’t that much egg. Hopefully using two dozen eggs (at different times) I will yield good egg results and the last burrito won’t be skimpy of eggs.

Next week I got to take off my jewelry. I am going to have my watch in my bag so that I have it. I need my watch as it has a way of centering me. I don’t know if that is the right word. I just feel better with the watch then without. I don’t feel as lost. I want to have my bathroom stuff with me, like catheters and deodorants and what not. I can’t use them day of surgery though. I am going to be catharized during the surgery. I just hope I don’t poop. That is a fear I have which is why I am trying to empty my bowels now rather than later. The new bladder med seems to increase the constipation so I am holding off on taking it until my bowel movements are better. I have been taking Miralax to go but stuff has not been working the way it should and I fear I am going to have colon blow soon. I might have to take a Dulcolax day before surgery so I know I will go as I want my bowels to be as empty as possible. The stuff they give you always causes constipation so I don’t want to be super backed up like I am now. I hate that I will have normal BMs and then nothing for days. I never know what I am doing different that causes this. I am taking almost 2,000 mg of magnesium to try and go along with the Senna and Miralax. The uro NP wants me to talk to my PCP about this to see if there is something else I can do to go but I really don’t want to. I know there is a drug you can take for opioid constipation but that isn’t the only thing backing me up. It is the anticholinergic meds I am taking that is causing this to happen. Plus whatever is going on neurologically isn’t helping my bowels either. So there isn’t just one factor in all of this.

I need to pack my bag of what I will need while in the hosp. It won’t be that many clothes as I will be wearing a hospital gown through most of the stay. I won’t wear underwear again until the catheter is out and I am catharizing on my own. I just want to make sure I have enough underwear with me in case of accidents. I don’t know where the scar will be so I might not be able to wear underwear for a while until the scar heals. I will find out after surgery how things will be. I know that I will be lying flat for 24 hours post op and then I will need to be raised slowly so I don’t get a spinal headache or a tear in the spinal area. Last thing I want is to leak spinal fluid. That would not be good!

Getting sleepy so I think I will go back to sleep now. Writing always helps to calm me down.

hurting and tired of hurting

Hurting and tired of hurting

I had therapy today and the therapist wanted me to justify seeing her. I told her my reasons and she agreed with them. We talked about feeling vulnerable as I did last session. Told her I felt small and insignificant. It has been a long time since I felt that way with someone. I don’t know if I can trust her or not to stay. I am scared I will tell her my secrets and then she will leave. We are in limbo seeing as I don’t know how long my recovery is from surgery and what to do about it. I told her my insurance does cover telehealth so she is going to look into it again for me.

After therapy I went food shopping thinking I would be able to handle it. Nope. My legs and ankle hate me right now. I also have a UTI cooking so that is fun. I feel like shit. I got no answers from the urologist about whether or not she is going to treat it. She just wants me to repeat the culture in 2 days. So before my appointment with the therapist on Thurs I will go to the lab to drop off a specimen. I have to remember to bring a cup with me so I just drop it off and not have to sign in or anything.

I spent today sleeping, which is just as well as I needed to sleep. My legs are still sore as hell. My heart feels like it is being stabbed a thousand times. I need a shower but I also need to decide if I am going to shave or not. I am tempted to get my haircut this week rather than next but I know it will grow out by next week so best to wait. But it is killing me as my hair is too long. I can’t do anything with it because it’s out of style. Driving me crazy. I want the short spike look next. I miss spikey hair. The long spike is too long. I will try and shower tomorrow. I need to go out anyways. I need to get some eggs and tortilla wraps so I can make my breakfast burritos.

My foot is already flaring up and I didn’t do much today. I made something to eat and I guess that is my punishment. God forbid I should eat something. I am starting to feel really depressed that this pain is back again after I was mostly not in super pain for most of the day. I hope it doesn’t keep me up. I am going to go lay down again. I just am so damn tired today.