I woke up at night after a shitty night. Pain kept me up till around 0300 or after. I had taken some Benadryl and that seemed to work. I had looked up cornbread pancakes which I had planned to make, except I fell back to sleep and didn’t get up till around 1730. I also sent a message to my Senator. What I wrote, I have no clue or if it made sense as it was late and the Benadryl was kicking in. I didn’t give my number as I didn’t want to get calls. I will probably get emails though. Fricken ass is in Congress another four years I think. I don’t think I voted for him. I just want him out because he is going after opioid manufacturers to decrease supply. That will put stress on chronic pain patients and hospitals, who already don’t have pain meds to give after surgery and things. It is a real mess thanks to the lies of the CDC.
My brother in law had called to tell me there were burgers and I had some and potato salad. I ate a lot for my first meal of the day. Sox are playing and are winning so far 6-0. I got a migraine at the start of the game so I didn’t feel like listening to it. Migraine is gone and I will be going to bed soon. I am just so tired. I hate being up all night because I feel like shit later in the day. My mother made pork fried rice but I don’t like it. It tends to be salty.
I read some of Harry Potter. I should be reading some new book instead of old but Harry is fun reading. I am almost done with the book. I might go back to Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. I have plenty of books to read, I just don’t know what I want to read. I have bought some new books, one is something I got intrigued by when they just had an excerpt on when Waldenbooks was still around in Government Center. I used to go there almost every Saturday to buy books. One visit I had an armful of books which would have been at least $70 or more along with a tote bag. I put half of them back. I don’t remember now if I bought the tote bag or if you had to spend so much money to get it free. On Facebook, John Grisham just opened a group for his fans. I haven’t worked out the settings because it is hogging up my feed. Every new person says “thank you for the add. I love *this book* and can’t wait for the Oct new one.” I don’t fricken care! Same with my MASH group. I must have had 10 people say MASH is available on Hulu now, all 11 seasons. I don’t care, I have the DVDs, though I was warned that season 9 and 10 were the same and I would have to purchase one of those seasons separately. I haven’t gone that far yet. I just am up to season 1. I did see the last episode as I was never able to catch it on TV. Sad one. The nice thing about the DVD is no commercials or ads. I love the show and the group. They will post a quote and I will laugh or feel sad. Like Margaret has a few scenes where she shows her soft side and it just gets you. One person in the group doesn’t like BJ and I hate when he posts because he calls him bipolar. He is acting for crying out loud!! It is what made the show! Pisses me off. One guy I had to mute because he is a recovering alcoholic and all throughout the show, they all drink. If it bothers you, don’t watch it!!
I still need to pack my bag for my friend’s BBQ. I got a text saying he cleaned the pool. I am so excited. It should be a good day as long as my foot/ankle doesn’t flare up. It is also going to be a hot one. Perfect weather for the pool and BBQ. Just hope my swim trunks still fit. I bought them a few years ago. They were loose on me. They should fit me now because I gained a few pounds. I just got to find my carry on bag. If not, I will just bring a backpack. I got plenty of those!
I had started a blog on my laptop to publish yesterday but my brain kept getting foggy and couldn’t focus. I knew if I forced myself to write, it would come out crappy.
Now it is after 2 am. I can’t sleep. Midnight Demon is out. Has been since 10 but had no writing urges. I’m just writing now because I felt like it. I feel suicidal. Been planning for months and now it is almost time. I’m wondering where the weeks went. I haven’t done much other than look over my will. My pension is still wherever it is with my employer. I have emailed my psych that my death is inevitable. I asked her to let me go.
Pain has been decreased by 50% since my new longer acting pain med was started last week. But it does nothing for flares. I am not in a flare. Just pain that is left over from the meds. It doesn’t take all the pain away. Nothing will do that. But this pain is what is keeping me up. That and the thoughts of ending my life. It is like a monkey on my back. It goes away for a while and then comes back full force.
It is a familiar feeling. A part of me knows it will pass. Another parts truly believes this will be the end. I am tired of fighting this. I had made my decision 3 months ago. Now the 3 months is almost up. I extended the date due to circumstances beyond my control. Next week I will check out the location. I hope it will be suitable. I am still afraid I won’t go through with it. My psych might intervene. I don’t know if I will end up back in the hospital. I told her it was useless.
My hope level has been fluctuating a lot. My friend reminded me I’ve been in rough patches before and got through them. I didn’t tell her this was it. I feel so stupid. One of the suicidologists I know that is the president of AAS did a study on the effects of a suicide. In the study she found that >132 people are affected. If that holds true, I will have ~400 or more. And that just includes my online/high school/ co workers friends. Doesn’t include my humungous family.
I feel guilty about this. Today she posted saying that it was a reminder to suicidal persons as they often feel no one care or that no one will miss them. Makes me mad. I don’t want to cause pain to others yet why should I go on in torment of my CRPS and depression? I feel it is a guilt trip. A huge one at that. I stuff those feelings when I am deeply suicidal. Then when it lowers or I look at the people I love, I wonder how could I do this to them? I am in agony over this. It is truly hurting me. Call it ambilvalence. Call it selfishness (please don’t as that is NOT what it is but i don’t know another word). I just am so conflictedas to what to do. I can’t stuff them. I want to die. I need to die. My time is coming. Question is, to be or not to be.
It is almost 2330. I had a burger later and then got sleepy. I’ve been trying to sleep for an hour but my damn foot keeps acting up. Bottom of my foot has this pressure pain. I am getting zaps in the side of my foot near my toes. My metatarsals are being ripped apart.
Then my brain is working none stop. For some reason, the source (evil demon from Charmed) keeps popping in my head. I will be talking to someone and then their eyes change to black and they want to envelope me. I don’t get it. I don’t usually have nightmares, not since I was a kid.
Pain is driving up my suicidality. I have been thinking about canceling my therapy appt for Monday. But I want to see him. I got 3 appts this week. I was going to have 4 but I am going to cancel my eye appt. I’ll just reschedule it. I have been trying to do the exercises my PT gave me but they are different than the ones we did when I saw her. I can do the one for my right foot but my ankle is too angry to try to do. I have no idea if having my knees up and doing one exercise is going to upset my foot/ankle. It was alright with the AFO on but I don’t wear it around the house. The. There is one exercise that sounds more like part of my notes than an exercise. Have no idea what that is about.
I think I am going to go back to regular pillows and not use the body pillow I have. It is annoying me. I also need to change my sheets but I have accumulated a bunch of shit on my bed that will take a few days to get off. I started clearing off some stuff. I have a gazillion pharmacy papers from my meds. I tried using the privacy stamp on it but it didn’t work. So it is back to the “to be shredded” pile, which is overflowing at this point.
Last night I was in a suicidal mood and sent my psychiatrist an email about things running through my head. I was expecting a phone call today but nothing and no reply. I forgot she was on vacation last week so that was why she didn’t read the article and blog I sent her. I really wanted her to read the article. But because she didn’t, I couldn’t talk to her about what was on my mind. She said she will get to it. I hope so.
Foot is hurting really bad. I took the breakthrough med a little while ago. I think a placebo would have worked better. I also took some more fiber pills. I went a little bit today but that was all. I am expecting a colon blow. But it just feels stuck. I feel really uncomfortable. Usually one will work and I am taking 3 different things. I don’t think the senna works for me anymore. I hope i go tomorrow.
Just finished a cup Earl Grey tea. Had another crappy night of sleeping so when I woke up after 1300 and decided McDonald’s were in order. I had to have chicken nuggets. The order was delivered quicker than the other day. I liked what I ordered this time, just my favorites.
I woke up feeling crummy. My alarm for my pain meds went off and I think I shut off the alarm but didn’t take my meds. Oops. I couldn’t help it. My mother woke me up a little before 8 to put her socks on. I was really exhausted with this interruption in my sleep. I listened to the ball game. I was watching some of it but it was so humid and I had to go to Walgreens to get some antacid. One of my meds or maybe a combination, is giving me indigestion. I will hold the Zoloft tonight and see if that does anything. I hope I don’t have to stop taking it. My mood is already flimsy at best and I think it helps me cope better than without it.
When I came back from the store, I listened to the rest of the game. Sox won 5-0. JD Martinez hit two home runs. I lost how many games he and Betts have homered twice in a game. Both are tied for most homeruns in the MLB at 15. We are still fricken tied for 1st place with the snakes. Sox are off tomorrow so that sucks. They are going to Tampa Bay to play the Rays. I so dislike that team and park. So fricken loud. Supposedly, they will be building a new stadium somewhere else but it won’t be this season. I don’t remember when the building starts.
I haven’t had a chance to fill my med box for the week so will do that after I finish this blog. I got my postcards ready for the post office. Now I hope I can go there tomorrow. If I do, I will go to Starbucks too. All depends on how tonight goes and if my mother wakes me up early. I am glad she is wearing the socks because they are helping her but getting up to do it after you only slept a little while sucks.
I couldn’t believe how humid it was today. So ridiculous. I hate it and Friday when I go to the game is going to be 82. I am glad we will have good weather but still. I am not a heat person. I hope I can have my brother in law put in the AC and screen this week. I will text him tomorrow. I forgot to ask him when I went downstairs.
I didn’t go to sleep until after 4 am. I had emailed my psychiatrist saying I might be whacky. She responded saying she goofed and the time she gave me was not available. She asked if I could come in at 9 on Monday but I told her no because I would most definitely flare that night. I haven’t heard back from her.
I slept for most of the day, though my mother called me at 8 to put on her socks. I sleepily put them on, used the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. When I woke up around 1515, I called her to let her know I was staying in bed. She then said that I couldn’t live like this anymore and that she wanted me to go to a hospital. I said what am I supposed to do, go there and say treat me? I don’t even think she realizes how stupid that is. She said no, just call them and make an appt. Like who am I supposed to see?? The whole thing was so damn ridiculous. I just yessed her to death until I hung up. I was so aggravated. She does not get my illness at all, none of them! I am just so fed up at her and her ways. I have a diagnosis and need pain meds to treat it, which I am not getting. What part of that does she not get?? I must have explained it a million times. But nope, she has her damn heart set on me going to this particular hospital, which I know is not going to do a damn thing. I went there before and they suck. I don’t have an injury they can fix so I will be showed the door soon after they see me. That is how doctors work. They don’t fucking care so why waste my time. I will just stay in bed and be up all night in pain.
I kept track of the Sox game last night through twitter and Facebook. We won 6-2. I think I am going to do the same tonight. I’m not sure as I feel so damn tired all I want to do is sleep.