It’s 115a

I’ve been in severe pain since 1900 last night. I don’t know what I did to cause this flare. I know part of it is because I was emotional today with the news of my BFF who is like a little brother to me. I love him so much. I wish there was something I could do for him. I am going to try and call him every week just to check in on him.

I’ve been scrolling on twitter most of the night. I did read Medical Apartheid. I finished the ugly chapter I was on about eugenics and how white people wanted to expunge African Americans. This went on until the year 2000 where they set up clinics to sterilize or force them on birth control. One of the campaign sayings was something like better to be an addict than to have a child. Shows how depraved people were about addiction. Rather than deal with the issue, they rather the person suffering from addiction was sterile or on the long term birth control Norplant. Just makes me sick. The next chapter is on radiation and Blacks. I don’t know if I can stomach it. I thought I could read this but it is really sad what these people have gone through after their freedom was given.

I am tired but I can’t sleep due to pain. I’ve already taken what I could. I even took ibuprofen to try and stop the pain. I think I could be hungry but I don’t feel like going downstairs to make something to eat. I would just have cereal though. I found a box of honey nut Chex while I was putting groceries away yesterday. I love that flavor.

Because of my grocery delivery, I canceled my therapy appointment. I won’t have therapy this week. I will see her on Mon. We have a lot to talk about. I should probably write some of it down so I don’t forget. I hate writing stuff down because once it is out of my head and on paper, I forget about it.

I made an appointment for my eye exam in a couple of weeks. It is outside of Boston at a new place. I just hope the doctor is nice. It is in the afternoon so I am not so sleepy. I think there is a bookstore near there so I might go book shopping after.

Sunday blog 17102021

I’ve been up since 4 this morning. Woke up to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. So I stayed up. Shoulder was hurting really bad so I took some meds. It has been bothering me all day. Like an idiot I’ve been using my arm so that hasn’t helped. I need to keep it moving though so it doesn’t get stiff.

I somewhat plan on showering today. Back has been bothering me past few days. I keep getting spasms in my left hip. Not sure if it is related to the fall I took. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. Been in a grumpy sort of mood. While I was making my coffee, shoulder pain was really bad and I thought about suicide again. Then a friend sent me a meme saying she was glad I existed and I almost cried. I was overcome with emotion. I was so grateful she sent that to me.

While I was up early, I ordered groceries because I am almost out of my favorite coffee blend. I should have ordered milk and half and half but I didn’t think of it. I bought a lot of cereal. I’ve been eating a lot of cereal lately because I just don’t feel like cooking. My mother made chicken cacciatore yesterday so I might have some of that for dinner tonight. It is really good.

I’ve been trying to hydrate today so that my veins will be good tomorrow should they need to place an IV for my CT scan. I don’t want to get stuck multiple times. I hope to have the report by mid week so I can have an idea what is going on with my shoulder. Just hope I don’t need surgery.

I haven’t napped at all today. It is late now so I probably will just go to bed early. I still need to do my med boxes for the week. I keep procrastinating.

An idiot, I am

Pain got the best of me this morning. Early this morning I was ready to doze off finally after being up all night. Laid down and within 15 minutes, pain got worse. I had enough so I got the elixir out. I wasn’t sure how it was going to taste. I took a swig. It was peppery and I checked the ingredients to make sure it didn’t have pepper in it or my stomach was going to reject my attempt. I kept taking shots but nothing was happening. I waited an hour. Nothing. By now it was like 6 am. I maybe dozed off for an hour or two, not consecutively though. By 0700, I gave up. The stuff wasn’t causing a reaction. I was mad and pissed and a jumble of other emotions.

I texted my therapist at midnight saying I wasn’t going to see her tomorrow. She thought it was today so allowed me to cancel. Mood was all over the place. Then she texted saying she couldn’t see me because she was really sick. That was the last text I got from her. I sent her a few more but got nothing. I went about my day.

I went to see my friend at the Navy Yard. We chatted for a few before he had to go back to work. I then went off for my appt with OT. We discussed the caths and stuff related. I asked her what would be best in cathing in bed and she told me it might be easier but I could get too comfortable with it that it would be the only place I would. Right now I am just planning on doing it when my ankle is 12+ level pain so I don’t have to go downstairs. I got a urinal and she showed me an type of catheter with a bag from the same company that makes the ones I use. She is going to recommend them to my uro so she can order them for me. These will be so much easier as then I don’t have to worry too much about wetting the bed with an accidental miss. Throughout the conversation I was having trouble keeping it. Concussion symptoms were in high gear today. Memory was finicky at best and my thoughts were not always on point. I would forget mid-sentence what I was saying and then totally blank out completely. Didn’t help that I sleep deprived.

After the appt, I went grocery shopping. I wanted burgers and turkey bacon. 4 things and I wiped out when I got home. I wanted to nap but couldn’t. I asked my mother to make burgers. She did, almost using the two pounds of meat I bought. I told her not to use all of it because I wanted to make dirty gravy. Now I need to buy more meat, which means going out in the storm tomorrow. Fucking fuck. I am so pissed she just did what she wanted with my stuff.

The only side effect from my failed attempt is a sore throat. I haven’t officially told anyone. I feel more hopeless and useless now than i did before. I put in a call to the NP as the therapist wanted me to involve her in this. She (NP) never called me so not sure when or if she will. I texted the therapist about it. Still got no response so she must really be sick. I don’t know if she is going to figure out i duped her with appt days. I did ask saying if there was an opening to let me know. I cannot see her Thurs but will if i have to. I see the behavioral med psychologist then. I cannot see the therapist and him on the same day as insurance won’t allow it.

I really don’t want to let on I tried to end things today. I feel like I will get in trouble if I do or worse, get placed back in the hospital. I will know more tomorrow if the therapist is feeling better.

Wed morning I see the concussion specialist. I am being evaluated for a TBI, which is what a concussion is, a traumatic brain injury, though a mild one. I am having a lot of symptoms so hope they can help. I know I have been bad about screen time and resting my brain. It is so hard though doing absolutely nothing sitting in the dark. I wouldn’t mind if I was drugged out on something or maybe I just need an ativan to help me sleep while my brain recovers. I still am getting headaches and pain at the back of my head where I banged it. Short term memory is shot. I can’t remember things like i used to and i have to write stuff down. The OT suggested I have an alarm set to start being on a bladder schedule so i know when to pee. I think i am going to put it in my med app as i can order it for every 6 hours or so without disrupting the time schedule. Trick would be at night so i don’t wake up in the early morning hours just to empty my bladder. But if i should have to, i now have the urinal and obviously the caths to do it. The OT also gave me a few higher quality chux pads. That was really nice of her. Now I can order them through Amazon. I haven’t decided if I should get disposable ones or washable. The price is pretty much the same, except for washable you get 4, disposable I think is 50. If I get the washable, I won’t have to reorder them, which would be nice.

I am feeling pretty worthless about failing, again. I guess I am just not meant to die. And this bothers me so much.

2019May06 Monday Blues

2019May06 Monday Blues

I didn’t sleep well last night. I fell asleep around 0330 and then woke up either every hour or every two. I finally gave up around noon, which by then I had pissed off two people. So ya, my day is going great and I feel frustrated and sad on top of my suicidal self. Now I just got two emails from my doctor’s office saying they approved and denied my medication request for renewal. I called the office and the new coordinator said she will have him get back to me.

Before I went to bed at 330, I emailed my psych saying that although I appreciate the close contact I have with her concerning my suicidality, I am okay and I don’t want to call her. She writes back that I “run the show!” Now sure what that is supposed to me. I don’t know if she is upset with me or not. I told her I will see her Friday and that I will call if something urgent comes up. I feel like an asshole and I don’t know why. I really am not okay and maybe she knows that but is going with it because I said so. I don’t know. I am still having suicidal thoughts that are overwhelming and the feelings that go with it are getting to be too much for me to handle. I am still contained, as the hospital would say.

I wanted to go out today but because I didn’t have a good sleep, I decided not to. I made coffee at home as I needed it. I just had one cup. My face is still feeling smooth so I didn’t shave. I just washed my face and brushed my teeth. I forgot to do it yesterday. Sometimes I can remember and sometimes I just don’t feel like it. It is hard doing ADLs some days.

It’s a nice day. While I was in the kitchen, I opened the back door to let some air in the house. I want to open my bedroom window but it will take some doing as I probably will cause an avalanche. I have no idea how I accumulated shit there. It was cleared off when my brother in law took out the window sometime in October. I am going to try and clean out my hamper that is just a holding bin right now. I got a set of fleece sheets in there. I think I will wash them so I can put them on my bed when I clear off my bed to change them. I can’t go overboard today because I have PT tomorrow. If I do too much today, I am going to have a flare Wednesday and that won’t be good. I really don’t want to have another suicidal flare. I think it will send me off the edge.

I got such a heavy heart today and I don’t know why. It has been this way past four days now. It is a mix of anguish and despair. I feel hopeless that things will get better. I feel like I am going to feel this way forever. Part of me knows this isn’t true but it has been going on for months now and seems to just be getting worse. I am seriously thinking of going back on an antidepressant but every time I think about it, I think of the side effects and I just don’t want to deal. The one my psych wants to put me on has nausea as the most prominent side effect. Nearly everyone I know that has been on it has gotten sick the first week of starting it. I am not sure I can last a week of feeling nauseous all the time. I do have Zofran to help with it, if need be but I don’t want to be taking a med to counteract the other med. I did that with the other antipsychotic I was on. I don’t want to do it again. It is a trial and error. It could not have any effect on me.

Since getting up, I have been thinking of going in the hospital. I have been ambivalent about going in. I am weighing the pros and cons, which right now, it is mostly cons, starting with at least a 12 hour stay in the emergency room waiting for a bed. I most like will have to change into their clothes, which is like scrubs. The hard part is trying to leave the house without someone noticing I am leaving with my backpack and duffle bag. Probably the only way is to leave the house really early in the morning before my sisters leave for work. I just have to remember to grab my journal in my every day backpack. I feel like I should bring my power cords just in case I don’t go to the hospital I prefer.

Doesn’t look like I will be doing anything today as I need to take a nap. Maybe later in the evening I will when I can’t sleep. God I feel so horrible. Maybe some sleep will make me feel better.