I had started a blog on my laptop to publish yesterday but my brain kept getting foggy and couldn’t focus. I knew if I forced myself to write, it would come out crappy.
Now it is after 2 am. I can’t sleep. Midnight Demon is out. Has been since 10 but had no writing urges. I’m just writing now because I felt like it. I feel suicidal. Been planning for months and now it is almost time. I’m wondering where the weeks went. I haven’t done much other than look over my will. My pension is still wherever it is with my employer. I have emailed my psych that my death is inevitable. I asked her to let me go.
Pain has been decreased by 50% since my new longer acting pain med was started last week. But it does nothing for flares. I am not in a flare. Just pain that is left over from the meds. It doesn’t take all the pain away. Nothing will do that. But this pain is what is keeping me up. That and the thoughts of ending my life. It is like a monkey on my back. It goes away for a while and then comes back full force.
It is a familiar feeling. A part of me knows it will pass. Another parts truly believes this will be the end. I am tired of fighting this. I had made my decision 3 months ago. Now the 3 months is almost up. I extended the date due to circumstances beyond my control. Next week I will check out the location. I hope it will be suitable. I am still afraid I won’t go through with it. My psych might intervene. I don’t know if I will end up back in the hospital. I told her it was useless.
My hope level has been fluctuating a lot. My friend reminded me I’ve been in rough patches before and got through them. I didn’t tell her this was it. I feel so stupid. One of the suicidologists I know that is the president of AAS did a study on the effects of a suicide. In the study she found that >132 people are affected. If that holds true, I will have ~400 or more. And that just includes my online/high school/ co workers friends. Doesn’t include my humungous family.
I feel guilty about this. Today she posted saying that it was a reminder to suicidal persons as they often feel no one care or that no one will miss them. Makes me mad. I don’t want to cause pain to others yet why should I go on in torment of my CRPS and depression? I feel it is a guilt trip. A huge one at that. I stuff those feelings when I am deeply suicidal. Then when it lowers or I look at the people I love, I wonder how could I do this to them? I am in agony over this. It is truly hurting me. Call it ambilvalence. Call it selfishness (please don’t as that is NOT what it is but i don’t know another word). I just am so conflictedas to what to do. I can’t stuff them. I want to die. I need to die. My time is coming. Question is, to be or not to be.
It is almost 2330. I had a burger later and then got sleepy. I’ve been trying to sleep for an hour but my damn foot keeps acting up. Bottom of my foot has this pressure pain. I am getting zaps in the side of my foot near my toes. My metatarsals are being ripped apart.
Then my brain is working none stop. For some reason, the source (evil demon from Charmed) keeps popping in my head. I will be talking to someone and then their eyes change to black and they want to envelope me. I don’t get it. I don’t usually have nightmares, not since I was a kid.
Pain is driving up my suicidality. I have been thinking about canceling my therapy appt for Monday. But I want to see him. I got 3 appts this week. I was going to have 4 but I am going to cancel my eye appt. I’ll just reschedule it. I have been trying to do the exercises my PT gave me but they are different than the ones we did when I saw her. I can do the one for my right foot but my ankle is too angry to try to do. I have no idea if having my knees up and doing one exercise is going to upset my foot/ankle. It was alright with the AFO on but I don’t wear it around the house. The. There is one exercise that sounds more like part of my notes than an exercise. Have no idea what that is about.
I think I am going to go back to regular pillows and not use the body pillow I have. It is annoying me. I also need to change my sheets but I have accumulated a bunch of shit on my bed that will take a few days to get off. I started clearing off some stuff. I have a gazillion pharmacy papers from my meds. I tried using the privacy stamp on it but it didn’t work. So it is back to the “to be shredded” pile, which is overflowing at this point.
Last night I was in a suicidal mood and sent my psychiatrist an email about things running through my head. I was expecting a phone call today but nothing and no reply. I forgot she was on vacation last week so that was why she didn’t read the article and blog I sent her. I really wanted her to read the article. But because she didn’t, I couldn’t talk to her about what was on my mind. She said she will get to it. I hope so.
Foot is hurting really bad. I took the breakthrough med a little while ago. I think a placebo would have worked better. I also took some more fiber pills. I went a little bit today but that was all. I am expecting a colon blow. But it just feels stuck. I feel really uncomfortable. Usually one will work and I am taking 3 different things. I don’t think the senna works for me anymore. I hope i go tomorrow.
Just finished a cup Earl Grey tea. Had another crappy night of sleeping so when I woke up after 1300 and decided McDonald’s were in order. I had to have chicken nuggets. The order was delivered quicker than the other day. I liked what I ordered this time, just my favorites.
I woke up feeling crummy. My alarm for my pain meds went off and I think I shut off the alarm but didn’t take my meds. Oops. I couldn’t help it. My mother woke me up a little before 8 to put her socks on. I was really exhausted with this interruption in my sleep. I listened to the ball game. I was watching some of it but it was so humid and I had to go to Walgreens to get some antacid. One of my meds or maybe a combination, is giving me indigestion. I will hold the Zoloft tonight and see if that does anything. I hope I don’t have to stop taking it. My mood is already flimsy at best and I think it helps me cope better than without it.
When I came back from the store, I listened to the rest of the game. Sox won 5-0. JD Martinez hit two home runs. I lost how many games he and Betts have homered twice in a game. Both are tied for most homeruns in the MLB at 15. We are still fricken tied for 1st place with the snakes. Sox are off tomorrow so that sucks. They are going to Tampa Bay to play the Rays. I so dislike that team and park. So fricken loud. Supposedly, they will be building a new stadium somewhere else but it won’t be this season. I don’t remember when the building starts.
I haven’t had a chance to fill my med box for the week so will do that after I finish this blog. I got my postcards ready for the post office. Now I hope I can go there tomorrow. If I do, I will go to Starbucks too. All depends on how tonight goes and if my mother wakes me up early. I am glad she is wearing the socks because they are helping her but getting up to do it after you only slept a little while sucks.
I couldn’t believe how humid it was today. So ridiculous. I hate it and Friday when I go to the game is going to be 82. I am glad we will have good weather but still. I am not a heat person. I hope I can have my brother in law put in the AC and screen this week. I will text him tomorrow. I forgot to ask him when I went downstairs.
I didn’t go to sleep until after 4 am. I had emailed my psychiatrist saying I might be whacky. She responded saying she goofed and the time she gave me was not available. She asked if I could come in at 9 on Monday but I told her no because I would most definitely flare that night. I haven’t heard back from her.
I slept for most of the day, though my mother called me at 8 to put on her socks. I sleepily put them on, used the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. When I woke up around 1515, I called her to let her know I was staying in bed. She then said that I couldn’t live like this anymore and that she wanted me to go to a hospital. I said what am I supposed to do, go there and say treat me? I don’t even think she realizes how stupid that is. She said no, just call them and make an appt. Like who am I supposed to see?? The whole thing was so damn ridiculous. I just yessed her to death until I hung up. I was so aggravated. She does not get my illness at all, none of them! I am just so fed up at her and her ways. I have a diagnosis and need pain meds to treat it, which I am not getting. What part of that does she not get?? I must have explained it a million times. But nope, she has her damn heart set on me going to this particular hospital, which I know is not going to do a damn thing. I went there before and they suck. I don’t have an injury they can fix so I will be showed the door soon after they see me. That is how doctors work. They don’t fucking care so why waste my time. I will just stay in bed and be up all night in pain.
I kept track of the Sox game last night through twitter and Facebook. We won 6-2. I think I am going to do the same tonight. I’m not sure as I feel so damn tired all I want to do is sleep.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I slept every hour and then every two. I gave up around 0830 when my mother called me to put compression socks on her. She needs someone to help her put them on as they are really tight. I will be putting them on her until the swelling goes down, which could be forever. I don’t have much faith in these socks. I just took them off her because I didn’t want her to wake me up around 2030 when she went to bed. I am so fricken tired. I took my night meds really early because I didn’t want to wait till 1900.
I did a few errands today while wearing the boot. I brought my barbers the casserole. I brought my journal with me, hoping to write but I never did. I didn’t have the right pen. I am very particular when it comes to writing with pens. So I drank my espresso, just three shots today. Then I went into town to get my commuter rail tickets for Thursday as I will be heading south of Boston to have dinner with my friends. I hope my pain doesn’t interfere with this plan. I haven’t seen my friends in so long and really want to see them. It was kind of a mistake to go into town as there were a lot of people as this weekend is Marathon Monday. Boston goes crazy. I didn’t like that it was the weekend anyway because I had to wait for the train and bus. By the time I got back to the square, my back was aching me. Then the bus driver on the bus home was a lunatic. Kept speeding up to a stop and then slammed on the brakes. I had to hold on to stay in my seat the whole ride. I was not happy.
I came home with the intention of having lunch and then taking a nap. But I just couldn’t sleep. I dozed off for 2 hours and then my mother called me to tell me dinner was ready. I feel so sick from lack of sleep. My pain is awful. I just took some more pain meds. It’s getting close to the end of the month so I hope I have enough meds till Tuesday. I am not getting anywhere near Boston on Monday. It will be a mad house. I hate crowds. I have three friends running the marathon and another friend will be at the finish line volunteering.
I solved my fricken windows update issue by using an external hard drive. I am so glad it worked. I had to order a USB to USB wire as the one I had went AWOL. I tried looking in different places where I have assorted wires but no luck. Now that I have the new wire, I am sure it will turn up. Well, I thought I solved the issue but I didn’t. I searched online for answers and found that you can’t change the drive where windows downloads updates. Fucking jerks. I am so pissed off as there are like over 100 updates and I can’t install them because I have no space. I don’t understand how one fricken update needs 8GB of space. Like WTF. Why does it need so much space!!?? Pisses me off. I don’t know how they expected this piece of shit to run when it can’t download updates. I am so mad I wasted $300.
I think my night meds are making me awake. I was so tired before and now I am feeling energized. WTF. I hate when this happens. I still feel kind of groggy but my mother is watching games and they are really loud with the sounds. The TV is right under my bedroom. I loved when my mother used to watch TV while muted. She would just read the closed caption. It was great. But something happened and she couldn’t get it anymore on certain channels so I had to use the TV’s closed caption. Now the words are there with the damn sound. So fucking annoying. She has no clue how loud the TV is to normal hearing people. I usually have to wait until she goes to bed to get some sleep. I usually listen for her as she goes up the stairs anyway to make sure she doesn’t fall or something. That is my biggest fear. Her legs are really bothering her more and they are very swollen for whatever reason. I wish the doctors would give her a diuretic to bring the swelling down as the furosemide (Lasix) isn’t doing shit. She is still bruised from the fall she took in November. I told her to put heat on it but her doctor told her she was bruised forever so she won’t listen to me. She never does.
If I get some sleep tonight, maybe I can shower tomorrow. I really stink but my foot/ankle is hurting so damn bad that standing for 10 minutes is not going to happen. I should have done it before leaving the house today but I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to drop the stuff off and then come home. HA, that didn’t happen. I haven’t had any caffeine since this morning. My British friend told me about a strong tea called Twinning Everyday. I really like it. The caffeine must be good on it because like coffee, it puts me to sleep after I drink it. HAHA. It is filling so I try not to drink more than one cup. This tea is full-bodied so has a rich taste to it compared to my Bigelow tea that I normally drink. I haven’t had coffee in a month now. The new coffee I bought is on the counter saying use me but I just can’t. I kind of lost my taste for coffee. I probably will get it back in a month or two. I got to check the half and half and see if it is still good. Maybe I will make coffee tomorrow and see if I can get back to drinking it rather than tea. I always swap one for the other.