painsomnia hits again and about therapy

Painsomnia hits again

I’ve been up all night in pain. I took a shower about a half hour ago to see if that would relax me enough to sleep but it hasn’t yet. I feel a crash coming on but felt the need to write. I need to “listen” when the writing comes on.

I’ve been thinking about therapy a lot. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I contemplating discontinuing it for now. I don’t want to sway people away from therapy. Therapy can and is useful to people, whether you have a mental disorder or not. Sometimes just talking to a nonjudgmental ear is what people need to help them through a difficult spot. I have been going to therapy since I was 15 because there was something “wrong” with me. I didn’t know any different and now I am questioning whether I really need to see someone for something I don’t see as “wrong”. The therapist I am seeing doesn’t recommend that I stop going. Quite the opposite as I am suicidal. But it is my decision to make whether or not I go and if I continue, what do I want from it. I have been thinking about dealing with the trauma of my past, to move past it because I haven’t talked about it other than in a mentioning tone. I never explored how it makes me feel. I mostly have been invalidating myself for things and then this fucking neuro condition entered my life and all fucking hell broke loose. Things don’t matter to me much anymore. I am not going to get better medically. I could get worse. I could lose feeling in my legs and the ability to walk, again. Having surgery for the cord won’t stop the progression of the discs but at least we know the nerves are free and won’t be damaged as much should another massive herniation happen.

My gut says that I should be in therapy because I am depressed and suicidal. Maybe dealing with the trauma issues like I talked about will help me be less suicidal. I also think that continuing to go might help me better control my suicidality in a way that doesn’t always mean acting on it when I feel it or plan to act on it. That is a slippery slope because that would mean I would want to live and I don’t. Right now I feel like I am being forced to live. I feel like I should die because I need to. I am in too much pain to bear and no one really understands it except another person with chronic pain, specifically, CRPS. There are different kinds of chronic pain but most of it can be dealt with (except arachnoiditis and other nerve pain like Trigeminal neuralgia). If you are reading this and suffer from chronic pain, I do not mean to minimize your pain. It could be worse than mine or someone else’s. But I know the drain it takes on you. The exhaustion, the sleepless nights. The wanting it to stop so you can just brush your teeth or even make something to eat. That is the problem I have. I have to make myself something to eat when I don’t want to or am in too much pain just to stand for a minute and thirty seconds for a chicken patty sandwich. I bought loads of them with hamburger rolls so I will have them when I can make them. Thing also is, there is no one to make me food. Sure I could ask my mother but half the time, I don’t know what I want or I just don’t have the energy to go downstairs to eat because I am not hungry. Food doesn’t appeal to me sometimes.

I am not sure going to therapy is going to give me my life back. I am never going to be able to work again. I was deemed permanently disabled at the age of 36. I still have not dealt with that and I am not sure this therapist I see can help me with it. She doesn’t understand chronic pain or disability. I got to find her age though. It is killing me because she said she was around my age but she didn’t say what it was so now it is bugging me. I don’t know if she will tell me but I can try. But knowing this comes with the cost that I don’t have my degree because of my mental illness and that hurts more than CRPS ever could. I never became the doctor my family wanted, that I wanted to be. Sure it has changed since 8th grade but I still held out hope that I would earn my medical and philosophical degrees. I wanted to me an MD just for the sake of it and practice being a psychologist. I didn’t want to be a licensed doctor because of my suicidality but I did want to have my MD because that was my dream, even if I never practiced medicine. I still hope one day I can get my medical degree. That is if I don’t kill myself by year end or some other year.

Pain is getting worse and I am losing my patience with it. I am also hungry. I wish I had an egg burrito. I need to make some and store them so when I am hungry all it takes is two minutes to have something to eat. But I really don’t want to go downstairs because I am hurting too much right now. Maybe if the pain meds knock it down a bit, I will. I put on a compression sock as sometimes that helps with the pain. I just can’t get ahead of the pain no matter what I try and it is making me feel hopeless and angry. Paingry.

Therapy could still be useful. I’ve been with the same therapist for the past five months. Hard to believe it has been that long. There are some stuff I want to work on in therapy and I think I have the right therapist to do this work. I just don’t think that me being forced to still be here is helping a lot. I think with my suicidality being so high the past few months I’ve really just seen suicide as my way out and no one has really asked me why. Instead I feel I am being forced to live. I have the right to die. If I was an animal, I would have been euthanized already. I am tired of being tired, being in pain, struggling with depression and insomnia that goes with it. Now my bladder function is no longer working right and this is my new life. Having to cath to urinate. All because I can’t do it on my own as much anymore.

I have a date in mind but I don’t think the weather is going to be favorable for me. I need to try and end my life. That is all I want to do but I know that if I am in therapy, I can’t talk about it without problems. I need suicide to be an option. I am not ready to give it up, now or ever.

great wide open

Great wide open

I did a few errands today and got my haircut. Today is week 60 of my transition so I posted pics on my FB page. I also posted to Twitter for those that aren’t on FB. I then sent the pics to my sisters. My youngest sister said that I looked like my father. I honestly don’t see it. She also said I lost weight. Thirty pounds since April and I still continue to lose. The increase in the Invega dose has increased my appetite some but not to what it was. I do get hungry on some days but I really don’t eat much. A sandwich will be enough to get me through the day. Tomorrow is Turkey day. I will be going over a friend’s house where I know I will stuff my face with turkey and stuffing because it is my favorite meal ever. Actually, turkey and stuffing with cranberry sauce any day of the year is good to me. And mashed potatoes. There used to be this roast beef place that was in front of the hospital where I worked. They sold the best Thanksgiving sandwich. It was amazing. No sandwich has come close to it. I can’t even make it at home. I have tried though. Sometimes I will get the wraps, turkey breast, stuffing, cranberry sauce and roll it all up for a sandwich but it isn’t the same.

Yesterday I had therapy. I don’t see her again for two weeks because she is on vacation. We were talking and I asked in all seriousness, why I should be in therapy. It was a valid question. She had no objection to me not being in therapy though she doesn’t advise to stop as I am suicidal. She wants me to write about why I want to discontinue therapy. I have to think on it. The thing is, since I was 15 I was made to feel that because I was depressed and suicidal, I had to be in therapy. There are millions of people who are depressed and suicidal yet they aren’t in therapy. Some can’t afford it or have insurance for it. I am not saying I don’t have a serious mental illness. I know I do have it. I didn’t have therapy most of this year and have only restarted the last five months as the therapist pointed out. I can’t believe it has been that long but it has been. Time seems to have stopped for me since my psych left. I sent her the transition pics and she is wow’d by the change.

I am not sure why I have to be in therapy. Other than processing old traumas that I have not done doesn’t seem like a good reason for me. I could stay just to process and then move on. I know it won’t help the suicidality much or maybe it will. I don’t know until the trauma is processed. I think the therapist likes me. She didn’t say it yesterday but I just got the sense. I was kind of out of sorts as the voices were not present and I felt so damn alone. I was trying to tell her how alone I felt and she had no clue. It was a tough session. She kept on reading my texts that I sent her. Apparently she can read it from her computer. I don’t know what kind of app that is that does it. I know I was feeling paranoid about her. I kept thinking she was going to laugh at me at any moment. She didn’t but it was a sense so maybe I can’t really judge my senses right now.

Mary Chapin Carpenter is coming out with a new album next year. I don’t know when as she is still in the process of making it. It makes me happy that she will be coming out with new music. Only question will be, will I be around when it does get released.

you never loved me like I loved you

You never loved me like I loved you

I am listening to Brett Young because his song “Mercy” is in my head. I am feeling low. Despite the soundwaves bothering me, I am listening to music because I need the distraction. I wish I could say that I had some kind of day but I can’t. I’ve been sleeping most of the day. I have no recollection of when I went to bed. I know that I took heavy duty drugs as I feel so hung over. I said in a tweet that I “OD” on gaba but whatever I took was not gaba as I was so out of it. I wet my underwear because I woke up too late to get up to pee. When I did get up I was a fucking zombie. I really haven’t drank anything. I tried the last few hours as I needed to take some miralax as the bowel have been stuck. Now that it’s about midnight, I think they are going to unleash.

I thought about telling either the psychopharm or therapist or both about what happened last night but I don’t think I am going to be cause I am too afraid of being punished. Or worse, being forced into another hospitalization. I am not saying I don’t need to be in the hosp, I probably do, but I don’t want to go there because my ankle is being a fuck right now and if I can’t control it with my meds at home, there is no way I would be able to control it while on a unit somewhere. Worse case is that the NP restricts my meds to a two week thing which will suck. I am so afraid of that happening because I am so suicidal but I don’t have any intention of overdosing on my meds. I just want to take ginger or a knife to the chest to end things.

Last night I was curious on how my psychologist friend died. I did a google search and found out. I wish I didn’t. He died by suicide. I broke into a million pieces. He is the second friend of mine to die this way in the last five years. I wish there was something I could have done to prevent it. He had been posting just once a day, which is kind of not like him. I met him on Twitter. I even went to his office to drop off cookies. We talked about cooking and stuff. He loved to cook. He sent me this awesome Christmas recipe for a cake that I love so much. It is Nantucket Cranberry cake. It is so damn good. I am hoping to get some ingredients tomorrow for my chocolate zucchini bread. I want to give some to my therapist and to share some to my friends on Thanksgiving. I don’t think she will mind a few pieces gone. Least, I hope so. I would make two, and maybe I will. I have never been good at separating batter so I might have to make it twice so I can have some for breakfast. I really love it. Sucks I was out of it today as I wanted to make cookies. Guess it will have to be another day for that. I just want to make the zucchini bread and that will be all. I think I can do it both at the same time so I don’t have to wait for one to be done for the other to go in the oven. HA. Genius!