I’ve been slowly making some progress in my room. I was making room so some office stuff could go in. Then I talked to my youngest sister and she said I should just be clearing my room so they could rip up my rug and fix the wall in my room that is bubbling. News to me. I know they wanted to do this but where they were to put my bedroom stuff and office stuff remains a mystery to me. Unless some of it goes in my Mother’s room while they do the stuff and then vice versa. Yes, they want to rip up my mother’s rug, too. I wouldn’t mind having linoleum. I have always hated having a rug but it was what my mother wanted, not me.
I have been talking to someone on Twitter past couple of weeks, maybe more. My moods have been volitile, not in a violent sense, but in how morbid and suicidal they can become when my chronic pain flares up, which has been awful since the stress and moving/clearing stuff has started. So me and this person talking and I’ve been telling them how suicidal I was. Last night, I was letting go of my feelings, not only talking privately but also in my Twitter feed. The person got concerned so reported me. I was pissed off, worried cops would show up at my house later this morning. I am not sure how Twitter handles such a threat. I may lose access to my account for a bit or I would get a thing of saying someone reported me and I should call a hotline. Or both these should occur as well as a wellness check by local PD. We ended up talking through stuff. I venting to her the frustrations of things but not really saying why I stressed. We go into the dynamics of suicide prevention. She suggested moved to Houston. I told them I thought of going to Menninger for treatment but they just use treatment as usual, which I am not quite sure what that is. I just know it is a 6-8 week program which may help keep some of the demons at bay. One study they did was actually successful in preventing relapse. I forget the discipline they used, but I think it was some kind of CBT. I know David Jobes had tried CAMS with suicidal persons but there was a lack of communication between study personnel and staff. Also some staff had attitudes of “they are just going to do it anyway”, which is a myth. Anyway, as moving doesn’t seem to be an option, I am unable to access the programs the Twitter person mentioned. They were still concerned for my safety and I kept reassuring them I okay. I couldn’t say it with 100% certainty but I knew I wasn’t going to do it last night. I have a baseball game I will be going to tonight and then I am to see my psych Friday. The weekend is up in the air.
I’ve been thinking of ending things for so long now. I probably should be in the hospital but I can’t for fear of what my sisters and mother will do with my stuff. My middle sister has “given” me a month to go through my stuff in the living room. My youngest wants me to go through the stuff in my bedroom. Problem is I cannot be in two places at once. Nor can I do stuff on a daily basis. My pain was through the roof just to finishing clearing 1 box in my room and then setting up my new modem. Now I just need to vacuum the area and go through my bookcase so I can get some books off the floor. I got approximately a shelf and a half, maybe more as there are some books I just want in boxes to put the newer books. I also want to get rid of my subwoofer and desktop computer to make room on my desk. I was going to part with it but have decided not to. I can put some more books on it as well as store my office supplies once I go through the drawers.
There is no doubt my mood has tanked horribly and so fast. My appetite has come back but my normal level of depression has not. I am so stressed with my sister here. She has taken over nearly every room. The kitchen is full of her stuff that there is no counter space like there was. I have no idea why she wanted to have her kitchen stuff here. We don’t need two mixers and can openers as well as towels and utensils. It is too much. And the bathroom! Omg. Her son and her have so many bathroom stuff. I know my mother and i had a lot of bathroom stuff but they have double what we have. JFC.
I need to have my eyes checked. I am not sure if my pain or exhaustion causes my eyes to become unfocused at times or my glasses just need to be updated. Although with my current “extra” money going towards my cable bill this month, I am not sure when I can afford new glasses. I have a pair of frames that I want to have the lenses but not sure they will do that at the eye place I go to or if I have to go else where for the lenses. Last time I just tried to do this, it costed me the same price as getting a frame and lenses. But I think my I insurance will cover the cost so it won’t be as expensive. I want to get the kind of lenses that repel dust and smudges, a type of oil repellent as well as anti glare. This kind is expensive but if it saves me from having to clean my lenses two, three times every day, it will be worth it. The type of frame I have I think will be better for multifocal lenses as they are bigger than what I am wearing now. I hate having to wear glasses all the time because if I don’t my eyes become unfocused and everything becomes blurred. It really hurts my eyes because I am straining them to see.
So this is the update. I wrote this on my phone so if there are typos or words missing (my phone has gotten in the habit of erasing words after I type them) please let me know so I can fix it. Thanks
Never thought I would ever be on so many meds for one illness. If it was for my mental illness that would be one thing. But for chronic pain there are like 4 or 5 plus patches and gels and ointments. I’m tired of taking them when flares hit. And there is nothing I can do but let the pain be a 20/10 and hope morning comes so the hell will be over. A family member once said you are on pain medicine, why are you still in pain? Because it is not the pain it was meant to be dealt with. Nerve pain is different than physical pain. Then you have the pain go away and another pops up in another place on your fucking foot or ankle. Chronic pain sucks and need different things to keep it in check and then there is nothing to keep it in check. It just is. That is what CRPS is. Complex regional pain syndrome. So I am off taking another pill that might work. And if it doesn’t or changes to something else, go through the list. So exhausting. This is why I constantly think of death. I have no strength left
Saturday Blog 15 Dec 18
I just realized the month is half-way over and I have yet to change the calendar to Dec. Oh well. I didn’t sleep yesterday. I was up for about 21 hours since Thursday and then tried to crash when I got home from my psychiatrist appointment. Because I didn’t sleep and wake up as early as I wanted to, getting a urine sample proved to be impossible. After 2 hours, I left and the emailed my psych telling her I would drop it off Monday. She said the blood and urine had to be same day. Oh well. Next time, I won’t go to the lab unless I know I am going to pee because my damn bladder retention sucks! And it gets worse when it sees a cup or there are noises around. I just can’t relax to go. I tried and tried and nothing was working. I even went to another building’s bathroom and nothing! So hard. Then when I got home, it took a while to pee. I have been feeling off. I really didn’t eat anything yesterday except a protein bar at 3 or 330 am. I just wasn’t hungry. I wanted to have a burrito when I came home but I wanted to sleep, too. I had another protein bar and then took my night meds an hour early though I really didn’t get to sleep until my mother went to bed, like usual.
I was fricken freezing since I came home and could not get warmed up. I had to put the Red Sox throw on my bed. That helped. But then in the middle of the night, I had to take it off because I was fricken hot. I was able to go right back to sleep and then a couple hours later, I woke up with my bladder ready to explode. Oh now you work??!! It was 5 am. I went downstairs and then went back up. I checked my phone for messages and surprisingly, I laid back down and passed out again. I woke up again a few minutes before my morning med alarm. I took my meds and used the bathroom because my bladder was ready to explode again. I thought I would eat but I was too tired. My mother was cleaning out the back porch so the living room was a disaster area. I didn’t see her. I just used the bathroom and then went back up to bed. I wanted to make cookies but I fell back to sleep and then when I woke up, I was too tired to do anything. My stomach was bothering me, probably for lack of food. I went easy. I had some toast. Then made some ramen noodles and a cup of tea. I started sneezing in the kitchen after I ate. Some thing was making me sneeze but I have no idea what. I went back upstairs hoping to finish editing my book but was too tired. I took another nap. I was cold and hot off and on. My throat was hurting but it was okay swallowing. I think my mother stirring up the dust on the porch just set off my allergies. Or I am getting a cold. So much for testosterone causing energy. I haven’t had a decent sleep routine since the Sox won the World Series. I am either not sleeping or sleeping too much. If I was hypomanic, that would explain some things but I am not. I feel down most of the time. Maybe it is depression. I don’t see my psychiatrist until after the new Year.
After my psych appointment, I got my haircut again. I want to start shaving the sides and back again. When I am going to start this again, I don’t know. I wanted to start today but I don’t feel like it. I need to shower. One thing that might be gross to say is that my sweating has changed. I stink more now than I did before. I showered Wed and I smell like I haven’t in a week. I was so tired yesterday that when I came home, I didn’t even wash my hair so if there are hair clippings on my bed, I don’t care. I will try to shower tomorrow. I know I am just playing sleep catch up since I slept poorly yesterday and then was basically on the go all day. I left the house around 930 and didn’t come home till around 5ish. Long day on 3 hours sleep and no food.
I thought with the start of my transition and taking selfies, it would make me not think I am an ugly faced person. But I was going through my gallery of pics and all I kept saying was how awful I look in the pics, even with me semi-smiling. I was going to show off my haircut but I really didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t feeling well anyways. I would just look like a grump.
There was yet another shooting in the US. A hospital in Chicago lost an ER doc because of her fiance. We don’t know details because he is dead. An officer and a pharmacy tech were also killed. I am so sad over this. Docs are mad continues to happen while those in government do nothing. is becoming an every day thing. Innocent people are losing their lives because someone decides to take a life with a gun. I honestly think the more this is broadcasted the worst it will be. People must be thinking it is “ok” to do this, everyone is. Makes me so mad and sad.
I had to cancel my therapy appt last minute because I was stuck at the hospital trying to give a urine sample. My bladder was retaining so damn fucking bad. I felt I had to go. I knew I had to go. I had drank more than 1000 mLs of fluid. I was full or close to it but no, I wasn’t overflowing so nothing was coming out. I tried everything. It was so noisy in the lab. Soon as I went to a quieter bathroom, I finally was able to pee. I then had to walk back to the lab to drop off the sample. There was no way I would be on time. I would have like 15 minutes with him and that would be it. I hate having to cancel. Stupid bladder.
When I walked back to the station to go home, my heel was killing me. I don’t think it is plantar fasciitis. I am starting to think the steps I take are to harsh on my heel. It is so inflamed right now. I bought some gel inserts to try. I don’t know what else to do. My feet are freezing so I am not about to put ice on. I probably should. But with the whole CRPS thing, I fear I am causing damage than helping it.
My blood tests came back. My sodium is still low but higher than it was. My pcp sent me a letter but didn’t tell me if I need to keep doing the restrictions or not. Ugh. Idiot. So I emailed him back. Hope to get an answer tomorrow. I see him next week so will probably recheck my values again.
I was so damn exhausted. I ate a sandwich and then I passed out. I have no idea how long. I woke up with a bladder yelling at me. It was ready to explode. I was so disoriented. It was around 6 I woke up so I don’t think I slept too long. I was not rested. I just wanted to take my meds and go to sleep. But i was so cold. It was freezing in my room. It is a little warmer now. It is raining again. We are supposed to have a snow rain mix tomorrow. That is going to be fun as i got to go see the pain program social worker. I am going to be blunt like i usually am. I only had one session and canceled 2. I really don’t care anymore. I am not feeling well. I emailed the PT and OT about why I couldn’t make it. I am not doing the stretches at all anymore because it flares up my foot. I had a million and one pains last night. It was awful. I hadn’t hurt that bad in a while. Then when I was just about to doze off, my body jerk, causing my left rib cage to hurt. It was such a bad night. I have no idea how I got up this morning at 9 to be out of the house by 1030. I didn’t shower as I knew that would tire me out. I wish I went to therapy. The whole thing makes me want to quit. Like why bother seeking help when I have so much wrong with me.
My thoughts are with those employees of that hospital in Chicago. What a terrible thing to happen. It happened at my workplace. A secretary shot a cardiologist one morning. I was glad I was off that day. Total mayhem with police and news crews. The news were camped out for like a week. So stupid. Hope they all can talk about it so it doesn’t cause PTSD for them. That is my theory anyway. But sometimes it doesn’t work and does more harm than good.
Hope my pain eases and I sleep. Night all.