groceries and more groceries

Groceries and more groceries

I had my groceries delivered today. I ordered a lot of Gatorade and Powerade to last me for the month. Every month my mother asks me why I buy so much and I tell her it is my monthly supply. I brought up all the bags except for my cereal. I totally forgot they were there until I came home from the pharmacy and saw them there. There are like ~7 bags left to bring up to my room. I have been doing it by myself, which is taking me some time because I have to take breaks. My arm is so damn sore but it is a good sore not a bad one.

I sent my therapist a message last night about how I was suicidal but I was too tired to kill myself. I said I was pathetic. She responded and said that I wasn’t pathetic. I need to address the pain. I asked how and she said by talking about it and using coping skills. I hate coping skills. It is just this broad umbrella of things. It is like saying you need a screwdriver for the screw you want to tighten but you have so many damn screwdrivers you don’t know which one to use. It is really frustrating. And when you are already upset and looking for something to soothe you, you want something right now that will work not something that will frustrate you more.

I ordered my glasses and will file a claim with my insurance company so I can get reimbursed. Hope it isn’t a hassle. I have not done this before. They should be shipping out soon. I just hope the frames fit me. I ordered a small so we’ll see. Friday I need to start the process of changing my bedding because I spilled Gatorade on my blanket and sheets last night. I grabbed the bottle a little too tightly and it spilled. Most of it got on me so I had to change my shirt.

I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder because of lifting all the bottles of Gatorade and Powerade I bought. I don’t think I can lift the remaining bags tonight. I still haven’t changed back into my PJs from when I left for the pharmacy. I might keep on the thermal socks. It is supposed to snow tonight. I hope all the snowing happens tonight and not in the morning. We aren’t supposed to get that much, only an inch or so but walking in it can be yucky. I rescheduled my appointment with my PT for tomorrow morning. I hope I sleep tonight or getting up is going to be difficult. I also scheduled an appointment with OT for January. I thought it was for pelvic floor but it is for cathing. It is with the same OT I saw last year.

I think I am going to have to double dose the Miralax as the new meds are really constipating me. And because I mostly stand when I cath, I am not using the same muscles to poop. I was able to crap a little today but it wasn’t enough. My stomach feels so awful.

I have three updates and need to restart my laptop. I just installed Win 11. It is okay so far. All my programs seem to be running okay. Tomorrow in between appointments I will be going to see a locksmith about getting some keys made for the screen door that was just put on. It is an odd shaped key so I hope they can do it. I don’t know who else will be able to do it.

losing hopelessness

Losing hopelessness

The past few months have been weird as my therapist has noticed that I am more future thinking than I was in the past. I attribute this to losing hopelessness. I don’t know when it happened. I started feeling less suicidal and wanting to move forward with my transition. It is unusual for me to think of future thinking such as having top surgery and doing what is required to get it done. I feel like I lost some of my suicidality. I just don’t see things as dark or dire anymore. I have noticed that my CRPS pain isn’t at the high levels it once was and maybe, because the chronic pain isn’t so bad, I have become more hopeful about the future.

It is a strange feeling to go from complete hopelessness to being hopeful in a few months. The depression seems more manageable than it was and so the psychache that I feel isn’t as great. I have gone from feeling suicidal on a daily basis to really only when my pain levels are at a 10 or above. The feelings of not being able to escape have gone away as well. For the first time in my life I feel I have a future. I want to lose weight so I can lose the things on my chest. I can picture myself doing this where it seemed impossible before. I can’t attribute this to one thing because I think it is a combination of things. One is the alliance of my therapist and psychiatrist, possible medication has eased the depression symptoms enough that I can see beyond the horizon and not feel like I am drowning so much. Also better pain control and accepting my physical dysfunctions are now a part of my life that is not going to go away anytime soon. I also think that having a community on social media has helped during the dark times because just when I am at my lowest there are people saying that I matter and that they are glad I am still here. Words like that help when you feel like scum of the earth for no reason or when the pain is so bad all you can think about is death.

I also think music has helped to ease the troubles I have faced. For months now, I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s albums, new and old. Her evermore and folklore songs have brought meaning to me as well as the extra songs in her Fearless (Taylor’s Version) album. To identify with lyrics is powerful and meaningful. The songs help to heal the traumas I have been through as well as heal from past relationships and deal with current ones. In her 1989 album, I found a song that I can relate to my current therapist with that helped to deal with our rocky relationship. This therapist has helped me to see things differently and also to come to the realization that I have serious depression. It is something that I always knew but never spoke aloud before. Working through the severity of the depression has been difficult. I think I have come to terms with it and thus the hopelessness it has given me doesn’t seem to strangle me like it once did.

laid low but didn’t nap

Laid low but didn’t nap

I woke up three times last night with my shoulder hurting me. The first time, I took some pain meds. The second and third time, I just sat up and moved my shoulder around a bit and that helped ease the pain. A couple times I was able to go back to sleep right away and another time, it took me a while to get back to sleep. I got up about a half hour after my med alarm went off. I had my coffee and belVita biscuits. My back was tender but it wasn’t severely painful like it had been all week. I took a tennis ball to it to massage some of the knots and it helped even though it hurt to do it.

For lunch I had made a tuna fish sandwich. It was good. I haven’t had tuna in a long while. After I had the sandwich, I made a cup of coffee. My plan was to have three cups today so I would stay up and listen to the ball game. I am nervous about this game because if the Red Sox don’t win, they go home. It is going to be a nerve wracking game. Just hope my cousin isn’t so negative like he was last night. He really pissed me off. I just hope the bats start hitting tonight or I am gonna have to block my cousin. I can’t stand it when someone says the obvious but it doesn’t happen. That isn’t what baseball is about. I am wearing my Sox LGBT hat with the TG logo pin on it. Hope it brings them luck tonight. I also shaved off my goatee and mustache. I am clean shaven all around. I shaved the sides and back of my head today. I didn’t shower but I plan to tomorrow. I am starting to stink. I also need to shave my armpits as the hair is getting pretty long. It has been a while since I have shaved.

I wanted to go out today to get some half and half but I just got too lazy. I wanted to nap this afternoon but knew if I did, it might mess up my sleep more than it already is. I haven’t been in too much pain today so I have not been taking my BT meds, which is good. My shoulder still throbs but ibuprofen seems to help it along with Excedrin. I think the aspirin and Tylenol combination in Excedrin helps with the inflammation and broken bone pain. I really hope I don’t need surgery. I hope the X-rays that I will have on Monday show some healing in the right direction.

If my shin pain doesn’t stop, I am going to have to take a BT med. It is hurting really bad a 9 out of 10 pain, 10 being the worst. I wish I knew what caused this pain to be set off so I could avoid it. But the neuro and I think it is a spread of the CRPS. I probably have it in my shin bone. I just hope it doesn’t travel up my leg. I hope I have a bowel movement tomorrow. It’s been like 3 or 4 days that I have gone without one. I am starting to feel uncomfortable. I have been taking Miralax, yesterday I took a dose and a half to finish the bottle off and still nothing today. I just worry that when I do go, it will be colon blow time and I will have an accident.

Sunday blog 17102021

I’ve been up since 4 this morning. Woke up to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. So I stayed up. Shoulder was hurting really bad so I took some meds. It has been bothering me all day. Like an idiot I’ve been using my arm so that hasn’t helped. I need to keep it moving though so it doesn’t get stiff.

I somewhat plan on showering today. Back has been bothering me past few days. I keep getting spasms in my left hip. Not sure if it is related to the fall I took. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. Been in a grumpy sort of mood. While I was making my coffee, shoulder pain was really bad and I thought about suicide again. Then a friend sent me a meme saying she was glad I existed and I almost cried. I was overcome with emotion. I was so grateful she sent that to me.

While I was up early, I ordered groceries because I am almost out of my favorite coffee blend. I should have ordered milk and half and half but I didn’t think of it. I bought a lot of cereal. I’ve been eating a lot of cereal lately because I just don’t feel like cooking. My mother made chicken cacciatore yesterday so I might have some of that for dinner tonight. It is really good.

I’ve been trying to hydrate today so that my veins will be good tomorrow should they need to place an IV for my CT scan. I don’t want to get stuck multiple times. I hope to have the report by mid week so I can have an idea what is going on with my shoulder. Just hope I don’t need surgery.

I haven’t napped at all today. It is late now so I probably will just go to bed early. I still need to do my med boxes for the week. I keep procrastinating.