finally home to relax

Finally home to relax

Today is CRPS day so that is why I have an orange ribbon in this post

I have been in more pain than my CRPS foot/ankle today. I tried getting a hold of my doctor to see what the hell the plan was other than “see a foot specialist.” I got tired of waiting so I called the doc I was going to see next week to see if I could see someone this week. There was an appointment open this afternoon so when my mother came home, I flew out the door. I missed the bus by 1 minute because I put my shoes on. I decided to go another way to the hospital. I got there with an hour to spare.

The doc was friendly and said I had plantar fasciitis as the tears were on the other side of my ankle where it didn’t hurt. WTF! I said are you kidding me?? He said yes and he drew it out. Then he was flexing my foot like crazy. If he did that with my CRPS foot, I would need to go to the emergency room for pain control! He said I had to stretch all day and ice the area. 20 minutes on, 40 minutes off. I have to grab one of the water bottles in the freezer and bring it up to my room. Then I will have to play the remember to bring it downstairs for another bottle game. I still have the reusable ice pack my PT gave me in my room. I brought it up here and been meaning to bring it back to the freezer but have not done so yet.

When I got out of the appointment, it was rush hour so I had to wait for the shuttle back to one hospital in Boston that would take me to the orange line. I had to wait for that one too as it wasn’t there. Then there was traffic around. The first train was packed so waited for the second. The bus was packed. I had to fight to get off the bus I was on. There was people coming on the bus as I am yelling I am coming off and then the bus driver closed the doors. Asshole. I was not happy. My mother mad dinner so I was happy. I feel bad I couldn’t do dishes. I just hurt too much to stand. I knew I was going to hurt after the appointment but fuck. I am just glad I don’t have to be in a brace or cast or something.

I totally forgot to go to the pharmacy on the way home. One of my prescriptions weren’t ready. I had to call to find out why. Stock hadn’t come in. I will try tomorrow after I vote. I was able to get a ride so I don’t need to use the Lyft program. I am glad because I don’t like giving my information out to these places. I just hope I am awake tomorrow by 11 am like I told the guy. My mother is supposedly going with my cousin and her sister, the lunatic. I am happy they are going but I don’t want to ride with them.

I had two chicken sandwiches as my mother made chicken cutlets for supper. I didn’t want anything else. Then my PCP’s nurse called and I updated her on things. I just wish there was something I could do for the pain. Hopefully the stretching helps because I don’t want a cortisone shot. I think they are just money makers and make things worse.

Sunday Blog 23 Sept 18

Sunday Blog 23 Sept 18

I saw my friend in the hospital today. It was good to see my friends. Even though I worked at the hospital and knew where to go, it was exhausting walking around. From the garage to the building he was at, just exhausted me. He wanted something in the café and that was another excursion. The café had changed so much I didn’t know where the ice machine was. By the time I found it and went back to the floor, then back to his room, said our good-byes, and then walked back to the garage, I was glad we didn’t go to the restaurant. There was no way I could walk there. My foot was really bothering me. I forgot my pain meds.

I came home. I wasn’t hungry right away but knew I needed something more than a few cookies that I had with my coffee earlier this afternoon. I rested and then the pain got bad. It was about 6 pm. I have noticed my pain seems to increase around 12 and 6 hours. I don’t think the extended release is doing anything. I am afraid to say this because they could just say they won’t give me anything. That will be worse. I also know that around 9 my pain is much worse but that is most likely because the extended release has worn off.

I waited a bit and then got hungry. I didn’t know what to have. In the end I decided a burrito would do. It would be a few seconds and no cooking would be involved. I had to take my meds. I didn’t fill my med box for the week so that took some doing. I brought up a bag full of powerades and my leg didn’t like that. I am in so much pain it’s not funny. I saw something on my big toe. It was some skin that was off. I pulled it off but didn’t want to tear it off. I cut it and tried to get it closer to the skin but the position I had to have my ankle/foot didn’t like it at all. I am so sick of being in pain.

I am also sick of the Kavanaugh proceedings. If he was a decent person, he should have withdrew his nomination by now but he must be an asshole like the rest of the elected GOP is. All throughout my Twitter it was football, baseball, and then bullshit tweets. It is driving me crazy and it is triggering me because it is making me remember my own sexual abuse that was between my ex and a family member. There is other abuse but I won’t talk about it because a few members of my family read my blog. The family member I mention is known to be a predator. The other one not so much. Still, I am on the fence on talking about it. But remembering it all doesn’t fucking help. I have therapy tomorrow so will try and bring it up. It will depend on how I feel. There is no point in texting my therapist about it because it will be ignored. Anything I want to talk about, it has to be in session only. Fucking sucks big time when you want to talk about something hard but have no idea how to and you think a text might be a Segway into it but it goes into the cyber void. It still might go to the cyber void when I talk about it in therapy. Sometimes I talk about stuff and I have no idea why I brought it up because he didn’t do this or that with what I told him. Sometimes I wonder why I continue to go, like what the hell is the benefit if I am not getting the help I am looking for. I am trying to write about this in the blog I am writing. I wanted to work on it today but I was too distracted with my friends coming to get me and then going to the hospital.

I shaved and showered. I am one week post my haircut and there is some semblance of it still present. I give it another week until I need to go back and get it cut again. My royalties for my kindle came in at a whopping $14 so I can afford a haircut now. Only thing that sucks is that I am not sure my new disability pass will come in before the end of the month to get the monthly pass. That will suck because I have a lot of appointments in Oct so will need the pass. Otherwise I have to keep track of the balance so I don’t get low. That is a pain in the butt because I will have to make sure I have money to put on the card if it does until the end of the month. I hope the new card comes this week so I can stop worrying.

Swear post warning offensive language here in

Swear post warning offensive language here in

So about two hours ago, I was smelling something. Had no idea what the hell it was. I thought maybe a cord was burning, something was catching fire, checked all my wires and electrical stuff. Nothing. I go downstairs to see if my mother sprayed something, and it is coming from the hallway, or so I thought. I went back upstairs. The smell got worse. I decided to open the damn window, screw the storms. I shut the vent or opened it (no idea) on my AC. Then go downstairs again because I had to pee. I check on my mother as her sugar was low. She was fine and then I see the culprit. One of my sisters bought a Renuzit freshener thing that was pineapple and coconut. It was stinking up the house. I shut it, told my mother, put it in the kitchen, and then went back upstairs fucking swearing.

I was talking with my BFF about stuff. I asked if she was okay. She said she was but I knew she was stressed. I won’t go into it but I was glad she told me. I was getting sleepy so I told her goodnight and I will check in with her tomorrow. She said she hopes to sleep too. I lay down, and my fucking legs become stone and hurt like fucking hell. I sit up, take some magnesium as that is the only thing I can think of to calm it down. I shift my position, causing me to move my ankle. Dumb fucking move. I saw fucking stars. Still hurting so fucking bad. I waited, hoping it would settle down. It didn’t. BT med time! I start having anxiety. I am ready to call my fucking psychiatrist, but what the hell is she gonna do? It is fucking midnight. I hate this fucking shit.

All day I have been having body dysmorphia issues. I really hate my breasts. I want top surgery so damn bad. But because of my damn pain issues, I can’t have testosterone treatment, which is delaying the fucking top surgery consults and what not. If I had the money, they would be long gone! I would find a decent surgeon and be done with it. I hate my body. I hate myself more. I feel like I am a fucking idiot who should be fucking dead. My therapist said that it was reasonable that I am thinking about suicide. Who wouldn’t be if they were in my crummy shoes?

I have tried to get my head around it. Someone reported me, again, to Twitter about my talk about suicide. I have no idea what tweet it was as they didn’t tell me. If I did, I don’t remember it. I know I posted last Friday after my pain doc appt. But I don’t think I have posted anything this week. Unless the word itself, suicide, is what freaks people out and makes them report people. I don’t know. They are assholes. If they would talk to me, that would be okay. I don’t know. Sometimes I want to talk and other times, I get the concerned but I don’t know what to do with you people. And it is all fake sometimes. Pisses me off, like bother someone else with you fake sympathy or whatever bullshit you are giving me right now. I know what to do if my safety is in danger. Been down that road one too many times and don’t think that just because I talk about suicide that I don’t know the crisis number or the crisis text number or someone I can call if I feel like I am going to act on my thoughts/feelings. It’s as simple as that. Do I want to end my life, yes I do. Do I want to do it right this second? No. But the time will come when I have all my ducks in a row to execute my plan. I am working with my therapist to kind of break the cycle of overwhelm/end my life thoughts. But until then, I can still plan. It is an escape. You don’t believe me, do research.

I want the meds to work NOW. I don’t want to fucking wait. I am tired of waiting. I used to be a patient person. Now I am realizing being patient, means just that. You are a patient of some kind to someone. The pain doc, psychiatrist, physical therapist, etc. you have to wait to see them. And it fucking sucks. I am tired of waiting. I want treatment now. And dammit, if I don’t get treatment, I am going to die. Maybe not by the damn disease/condition I have, but by other means, which I don’t know exactly what they are. This dying this isn’t easy. Probably is if you have some lethal illness but not a chronic painful one.

I hate that I can’t move my damn ankle the way that it is suppose to move. It gets fucking upset with me. Going down the stairs or up the stairs aggravate it. My right ankle is sprained so it hurts because the tendons are swollen and stretched a little bit more than they are supposed to be. I also walked a lot today. And went up and down the stairs a lot to find out what that fucking smell was that was irritating my respiratory system. Set off my allergies big time. I am sending them a text tomorrow and put it in all caps. That will tell them how fucking pissed off I am. Assholes. I don’t know which sister it was, most likely the middle one but I can’t be sure. They will definitely hear about it later today.

Sprained Ankle? Sprained ankle

Sprained ankle?

So yesterday, I tripped over my own foot. It had gone inward and I lurched forward. I knew it was more than it because I felt like I moved something and it was painful. Later last night, my foot was hurting and I looked at my foot and it was pretty swollen. I put ice on it and the brace that I had been using for my left ankle. I couldn’t wear it long because it was annoying my Achilles problem. I called this morning to see if I could get it checked out and they had a late afternoon appt. I decided to get my haircut in the morning.

I checked on my mother and she didn’t need anything. No one was coming today, which I thought was odd. They would be coming tomorrow. I went on my way. The bus was early and I forgot the bus schedule was more frequent at that hour. When I got to the Square, the barbers weren’t open yet, so I went to Starbucks to get something to eat and have my espresso. I had 5 shots and a bagel. I didn’t write. After I finished the bagel, I went to the barbers and they were open. I was the first customer so didn’t have to wait. I was glad. I got caught up with the my buddy. He gave me back my dish. After he cut my hair, I went back to Starbucks to write for a bit. I had three hours before my appt. I didn’t want to sit and write for that long. I ordered a large iced coffee. I thought it would help keep me awake but it made me sleepy.

I decided to go home for a bit. I took the dish and my cup out of my bag. I forgot to put the cup in the sink. I changed my T-shirt as it had hair all over it. It was hot in the house. My ankle kind of went out as I was going up and down the stairs. I put the moleskin padding on my AFO as I knew the humidity was going to irritate me. It stayed on and I wasn’t irritated.

I went to the doc appt. I had a resident, who was behind. I waited. Then was called in. My feet were hot so I was grateful to take off my socks to cool them off. The doctor came in and I told him what was wrong. It was a little concerning as the foot drop was kind of new but I stressed it only happened when I was fatigued and usually on my way home. He said I sprained it and I would need an x-ray and a brace. I was hangry so I was very frustrated. CES again caused me trouble after all these years. I went to the different places. I was wearing my sneakers with Velcro straps rather than laces. It didn’t stretch that much and it was a tight fit. The brace pretty much immobilized my ankle, which was good. I was thinking of getting the same kind of one for my left so it wouldn’t cause me so much pain but I will save that for when I see whomever. The resident was going to try and move up my appt so I can get some care. I kept thinking today is Friday for some reason. I just want this week to be over.

I took the train home and waited for the bus. I listened to Pearl Jam as I was so frustrated. I seriously wanted to kick someone’s ass but there was no one. I came home and my aunt was still there. She said they just ate and why didn’t I let them know. ??? I just walked in the fricken door. I sat down in the chair and showed off my new brace. I was very hot as the humidity seemed to kick it up. The house was totally unbearable. I left my AC running. It was too hot not to. I couldn’t let my meds get hot, they would become yucky and possibly ineffective. I was hungry. I cooled off and my aunt yelled that she was going home as I was talking to my her son. She said my mother was “alone” and I said to myself, what am I, a ghost? He said that I had quacky doctors and went off. I told him good-bye. I was fed up with dealing with idiots who have no idea what I have been through and have their own idea of what is wrong with my ankles. It is all stemming from my nerve damage and that made my ankles weak, hence why I was tripping over them but because it happened 17 years ago, they don’t put the things together as I am seen as “abled bodied”.

My mother was lying on her bed when I came downstairs to make my dinner. I wanted a turkey sandwich so I made one. I had chips with it. Then I took a cool shower. I felt better after I ate. I realized then I was hangry. I told my mother what my aunt said and she laughed. I was so tired afterwards. I decided to take my meds early and go to sleep. The game had just started and the Snakes scored 4 runs. It didn’t look good. I told my other cousin buona notte, I wasn’t feeling well. In my rush to get some sleep, I forgot to take my night pain meds so I was woken up. Now I can’t go back to sleep. I didn’t plan on writing a blog today but here it is. I feel better now that I wrote about this. The pic is what I now look like with the AFO (ankle foot orthotic) and the air cast. I got to follow up with the doc to find out how long I am to wear it.

My malleolus was acting up when I got to my doc’s office. Now it is blearing. While I was in the shower, it moved some way that hurt really bad. It felt like it wanted to expand my arch or something. It felt like I had sprained it but I don’t see how that was possible as I didn’t do anything to it. It might have just been a cramp. I know I am dehydrated. I have been parched the whole time I was at the doc’s office. I didn’t have cold water, just the hot bottled water that was in my bag that was gross. I had leaked again while I was out and about. I smelled of pee so bad so I needed a shower. Tomorrow I am going to wear a diaper. I have no choice. I just hope the stupid thing doesn’t leave lint shit on my privates or in my ass. It is a cheap diaper but it works. I feel so embarrassed about it. But nerve damage is not something you can mess around with. I am not leaking more than usual or anything. I just am not feeling myself when I am full and the overflow is what is leaking. Then I get the urge to go. Past two days I have been ignoring the urge so I leak. That is life with Cauda Equina Syndrome!