Waves of despair due to pain
The Sox lost their 3rd game of the season. I had something to eat because I was hungry and then I tried sleeping. My foot/ankle has been playing up throughout most of the game. I laid down and tried to get comfortable. The pain wasn’t getting better so decided to take another pain med. And that is when my foot/ankle really said fuck you to me. I saw fucking stars. All I did was try and sit up. Hard to swallow a pill while you are lying down.
So my thoughts went to suicide. I’ve been stuck in this hole and I don’t think there is anyway out. I really don’t want to see my therapist anymore. Just thinking about walking to his office makes me anxious. I don’t talk about my suicidal feelings or thoughts because the last time I brought them up, he said I was “angry”. Typical Freud? It just upset me and I just feel like I have no where to go to talk about this shit except here. NO I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE RIGHT THIS SECOND OR IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!! I am just TALKING about it, NOT ACTING on it. There is a fucking difference.
It’s the weekend so the information that I need to find out I can’t find out because the office isn’t open. I can make other plans though. I think I have a location that I can end things. I will scope the place out next week. It will be fun, get me out of the house for a few hours. It’s moments like this when the plan that has been going round and round my head has a chance to be written and spelled out because my stupid fucking pain is high and all I can think about is ending it. You know what is stupid? There has been less opioid prescriptions written since 2015 and yet there are more overdoses. People are still dying, want to know why? Because they are not fucking overdosing on prescription opioids!!! It is heroin and illicit fentanyl!! Way to go government and your stupid war on drugs.
I am so damn tired of being in constant pain. My niece is turning 13 today. I feel bad that her uncle will be dying soon because his pain is not being treated adequately. Hell, he isn’t even being taken seriously that he has pain. The only docs that believe him is his psychiatrist and the LGBT doctor. I am supposed to meet with the pain doc in two weeks. I don’t know if it will a waste of time or not. But in the mean time, I am supposed to wait. I will plan while I am waiting. Seems to be the sensible thing to do.
Feeling off and other things
I woke up in the middle of the night, again. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so stayed up for a couple of hours. I went back to sleep some time around 5. My med alarm went off around 0730. I shut it off but didn’t take my meds. I just laid there and fell back to sleep. Then my mother called to put on her socks. I took my meds and went to her room. It was a little easier to put on the socks today than it was yesterday. I used the bathroom and then went back to my room to snooze for a bit. I was really tired.
I wanted to make pancakes and burritos. I started with the pancakes. They were good. I only made two of the four I made. I’ll probably have them tomorrow morning. I never made the burritos as I got really tired and dizzy like I was going to pass out. I told my mother not to call me for dinner as I wasn’t feeling well. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was dizzy and just out of it. Probably because I’ve had no sleep.
It was cold in my room and it took forever to get comfortable. I kept having to adjust my blankets. Then when I got comfortable, my pain spiked. For some reason, I got intense pain near my malleolus that made me cry out. I had such intense suicidal feelings. I felt like another 2 months was too long. I wanted to do it now! I don’t care. I can’t take this stupidity anymore. I had just taken a strong pain pill so after a while, the pain went away and I was able to sleep. I didn’t sleep long. My bladder was threatening to explode so I got up. I was still feeling awful.
I had dinner and watched the rest of the Sox game. We won 3-1. We still have the best record of 13-2 so far. I think it is quite amazing. I still want to go to a game before I die. I want to sit in the seats in the bleachers, section 37. I think those are the best seats because you can see the entire field and scoreboards. I want to be in the first few rows though, not up in the stands, only because of my mobility issues. I know the tickets will be expensive. I think when I last looked they were like $60 or more, depending where you sat. And that was just for one ticket! I remember when they used to be $8 for the same seats!
After I had dinner I was still feeling crappy so went up to my room. I did my med box for the week. I tried to settle down but pain once again shot up. I am so damn tired. I really want to sleep at least 6 hours straight with no interruptions. This sleeping every few hours shit has to stop. I don’t know why I am sleeping so lousy. Yes, I am in pain and that has been the main reason. I think being up most of the day yesterday really messed me up. I don’t like being up in the middle of the night either. I thought for sure I was going to sleep through the night because I was up all day. HA, that was a joke. Maybe I will take some mirtazapine tonight so it will knock me out. The Neurontin I think hasn’t been too effective in putting me to sleep. I also think it might be causing the dizziness because I am not sleeping it off. I won’t be taking it tonight. If I feel better tomorrow, then I can probably say the Neurontin is causing the dizziness for some reason. I don’t know why as I have been taking it for years at relatively the same dose. I only took 600 mg last night instead of 900 mg so not sure why I am so fricken crappy.
Other than seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, I have no other appts this week. Tuesday I need to go to my PCP’s office to get my scripts for my meds. I was thinking of getting my haircut but I am still on the fence about it. Depends on how I feel. I want to take a shower tonight. I think I will after I take my night meds. Maybe that will help me feel a little better.
Two hour increments
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I slept every hour and then every two. I gave up around 0830 when my mother called me to put compression socks on her. She needs someone to help her put them on as they are really tight. I will be putting them on her until the swelling goes down, which could be forever. I don’t have much faith in these socks. I just took them off her because I didn’t want her to wake me up around 2030 when she went to bed. I am so fricken tired. I took my night meds really early because I didn’t want to wait till 1900.
I did a few errands today while wearing the boot. I brought my barbers the casserole. I brought my journal with me, hoping to write but I never did. I didn’t have the right pen. I am very particular when it comes to writing with pens. So I drank my espresso, just three shots today. Then I went into town to get my commuter rail tickets for Thursday as I will be heading south of Boston to have dinner with my friends. I hope my pain doesn’t interfere with this plan. I haven’t seen my friends in so long and really want to see them. It was kind of a mistake to go into town as there were a lot of people as this weekend is Marathon Monday. Boston goes crazy. I didn’t like that it was the weekend anyway because I had to wait for the train and bus. By the time I got back to the square, my back was aching me. Then the bus driver on the bus home was a lunatic. Kept speeding up to a stop and then slammed on the brakes. I had to hold on to stay in my seat the whole ride. I was not happy.
I came home with the intention of having lunch and then taking a nap. But I just couldn’t sleep. I dozed off for 2 hours and then my mother called me to tell me dinner was ready. I feel so sick from lack of sleep. My pain is awful. I just took some more pain meds. It’s getting close to the end of the month so I hope I have enough meds till Tuesday. I am not getting anywhere near Boston on Monday. It will be a mad house. I hate crowds. I have three friends running the marathon and another friend will be at the finish line volunteering.
I solved my fricken windows update issue by using an external hard drive. I am so glad it worked. I had to order a USB to USB wire as the one I had went AWOL. I tried looking in different places where I have assorted wires but no luck. Now that I have the new wire, I am sure it will turn up. Well, I thought I solved the issue but I didn’t. I searched online for answers and found that you can’t change the drive where windows downloads updates. Fucking jerks. I am so pissed off as there are like over 100 updates and I can’t install them because I have no space. I don’t understand how one fricken update needs 8GB of space. Like WTF. Why does it need so much space!!?? Pisses me off. I don’t know how they expected this piece of shit to run when it can’t download updates. I am so mad I wasted $300.
I think my night meds are making me awake. I was so tired before and now I am feeling energized. WTF. I hate when this happens. I still feel kind of groggy but my mother is watching games and they are really loud with the sounds. The TV is right under my bedroom. I loved when my mother used to watch TV while muted. She would just read the closed caption. It was great. But something happened and she couldn’t get it anymore on certain channels so I had to use the TV’s closed caption. Now the words are there with the damn sound. So fucking annoying. She has no clue how loud the TV is to normal hearing people. I usually have to wait until she goes to bed to get some sleep. I usually listen for her as she goes up the stairs anyway to make sure she doesn’t fall or something. That is my biggest fear. Her legs are really bothering her more and they are very swollen for whatever reason. I wish the doctors would give her a diuretic to bring the swelling down as the furosemide (Lasix) isn’t doing shit. She is still bruised from the fall she took in November. I told her to put heat on it but her doctor told her she was bruised forever so she won’t listen to me. She never does.
If I get some sleep tonight, maybe I can shower tomorrow. I really stink but my foot/ankle is hurting so damn bad that standing for 10 minutes is not going to happen. I should have done it before leaving the house today but I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to drop the stuff off and then come home. HA, that didn’t happen. I haven’t had any caffeine since this morning. My British friend told me about a strong tea called Twinning Everyday. I really like it. The caffeine must be good on it because like coffee, it puts me to sleep after I drink it. HAHA. It is filling so I try not to drink more than one cup. This tea is full-bodied so has a rich taste to it compared to my Bigelow tea that I normally drink. I haven’t had coffee in a month now. The new coffee I bought is on the counter saying use me but I just can’t. I kind of lost my taste for coffee. I probably will get it back in a month or two. I got to check the half and half and see if it is still good. Maybe I will make coffee tomorrow and see if I can get back to drinking it rather than tea. I always swap one for the other.
I was up till 3 slept for an hour and then got up a few hours later. I was so tired. I was having serious pain where I have the part of my ankle that lost muscle (atrophied). Nothing was really working and standing was not a good idea. I think around 2, I decided to put the compression sock I bought on. It took about an hour for it to decrease my pain enough so I could sleep.
When I got up around 10 or so, I had some mini wheat cereal. When I poured the cereal, it just made a mess and I overfilled the bowl. Great. I picked up what was on the floor and then cleaned off the counter where shredded wheat had dropped. I put almond milk in my cereal. It was good. A couple hours later, I got hungry again so made a tuna sandwich with carrots and celery. It was really good. I didn’t end up using all the tuna so I will have lunch tomorrow or maybe a midnight snack. One never knows.
I then slept for a while. My mother called me to say dinner was ready but I didn’t get up. I slept for another hour. The house smelled like cabbage. My mother had cooked it. I was going to try it but the smell was bad when I took off the lid. No, thanks. I just had the spaghetti my mother made.
Now I am hoping to listen to the ballgame. My ankle is kind of sore. I had to take the sock off as I felt it was too long that I had it on. I’ve been having minimal pain most of the day. Hope it stays that way.
I slept like every hour until I had to get up to send my niece off to school, starting at 3! I was so tired. My mother called me twice and I told her I was sleeping. Then she left the stupid kettle on and the noise woke me up. She went to the bathroom after she turned it on. Pisses me off when she does this because there usually is hardly any water in it. She doesn’t fill it like I do. So I was grumpy and she got mad. I made a burrito, just one as I was hungry and wanted to go back to sleep.
While I was sleeping my phone kept going off. The LGBT doc office called to remind me of my appt. I don’t know Why they have to call when they text and email me. Might be a settings thing. Then my mother called again to say dinner was ready. I wasn’t hungry, I wanted sleep dammit.
My ankle and foot have been going back and forth all day as to who is going to hurt me more. Snow hasn’t started yet. I wish it would. Maybe I would get some pain relief. I hope I will be able to go to the pharmacy to get my meds filled. Depends on how bad the snow is and if it is walkable. Some places have already called off school.
In my painsomnia state, I post a pic of my scars on IG. I have no idea why I did it. I might delete the pic. I had started self harm 27 yrs ago this month. I started when I was 15 and stopped around the age of 24, when I met my ex therapist. I was slowly stopping it before I saw her but the urges are tough to go away. I still have them but I cope better with them. It is not frequent. I sometimes think I traded self harm for being suicidal all the time.
I bought a new book called Helping the Suicidal person. I was supposed to start it last week but never did. I’d like to review it. We’ll see.