I had an appointment to see my surgeon this morning and got up late. I just finished my coffee when I had to rush to get dressed and out the door to catch the bus. I was right on time for the appointment as the bus was late. The surgeon and I talked about my bladder and how things were going. I said I feel like I am being controlled by my bladder because I am so aware of it all the time and on a schedule to go. She said this wouldn’t be forever and to resume taking the tolterodine for bladder control. She said that while operating she could see that my bladder was inflamed from the nerve damage. We also talked about increasing the Neurontin. She agreed that taking it would help with the pain so I will be taking a dose in the afternoon and at bedtime. She also said that if I have a big day to take an ibuprofen before leaving for it. She wants to see me in four weeks unless something comes up beforehand.
I came home from the appointment and ordered Chipotle for lunch. I emptied my bladder but there wasn’t a lot of urine. I tried again after I ate and still nothing significant. I took some pain meds as I am in pain and the bladder is empty. I took a short nap kind of sitting up on the bed and my back didn’t like it. So now my back hurts.
Over the weekend I sent a message to my neuro telling her about the increase in nerve pain in my thigh. She just got back to me and looks like I will be getting an MRI to see if the L2-L3 herniation is worse. Tomorrow I can call scheduling to schedule the test. I was able to find a lidocaine patch to put on it. I am so happy because I threw out the box that I had because they were expired. I don’t know how well this patch will work but will find out soon enough.
Yesterday I ordered a half black olive pizza and I have one slice left. That will be my dinner tonight. Or was. My sister threw it away. I am so angry at her for doing it. I went downstairs to my other sister’s apt and had some pita bread with fig and some chicken that my niece didn’t want. Greek food is good.
I am so tired I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep even though it isn’t close to 7p yet. I usually take my night meds between 7 and 8p. I did a lot of walking today at my appointment. I then went to Starbucks for a mocha and a pumpkin scone, my first of the season. There is no Sox game tonight so I am glad I don’t have to be up till late. Their games have been averaging at least four hours these days. Long time for a ball game but they also have gone into extra innings some nights.
On a fun note, I colored a page from a coloring book called It’s about to get real unprofessional last night when I couldn’t sleep right away. It is themed as interns should get paid at their sites rather than not, which happens most of the time. It really sucks for a financially strapped grad student working on their final degree. The page has been retweeted a few times and I think that it’s great to give them the exposure so that more books can possibly get sold. Coloring has been a good distraction for me. It also helps me to relax from anxiety and overwhelm. My therapist replied to my message about being overwhelmed with gender dysphoria. She said to journal and write to organize my thoughts. Sometimes I am not able to do that but coloring helps to calm me down enough so I can write. I don’t know why I have been having trouble writing when I am upset. During certain times I am able to but others it is like I write a sentence and then I go blank. My thoughts become frozen and I am unable to carry on with journaling. It is very frustrating as a writer for this to happen. I am glad that this blog has helped me overcome some of the frozen thoughts as I have been able to write at least 500 words most days. If I do less, I do less. Some days I can’t so I just post a picture of an animal.
Tomorrow I see dermatology to get my skin moles looked at. I am kind of nervous about getting there because I have to take the Orange line and then a shuttle bus to get there. It is going to be a long day.
I have decided not to go to my cousin’s wedding tomorrow. I feel like it will just be stressful and if I am in pain then I will be a grump. I am two weeks post op from a hysterectomy. I think it is too soon to be going. I also am stressed about the whole cathing situation. I have to go every three hours or so and I would rather do it in my own bathroom rather than a public restroom. I also worry about Covid because chances are we won’t be wearing masks and there will be 20 year olds and 30 year olds at the wedding. I don’t know how many people there are but there is at least 50 people minimum.
I had a difficult night sleeping. I was up every few hours. I finally gave up around 0630. I thought I would have the kitchen to myself but my mother woke up and she made her breakfast. I just had my coffee with biscuits. I wanted to make the quiche but I didn’t feel up to it. I might have it later this morning when I have my second cup of coffee.
I am feeling really tired. I want to lie down and nap but my surgeon’s nurse is supposed to call me sometime in the morning so I need to be up. I want to ask her if any nerves were cut during surgery. That is important for me to know. And also when the stitches will fall off. I still have them and they seem stuck in place. I tried pulling them out and they wouldn’t give. I have a stitch in my belly button that is annoying because it is pointy. It like pricks my finger when I try and clean it out. I still have discharge so I won’t be changing to boxers like I hoped to do. I might wear them during the day and then change to women’s underwear for the evening so I can wear a pad. Only think is, the discharge is unpredictable so I might get the stuff on my boxers. That will suck. I am going to wait another few days before changing things up.
I bought a graduated water bottle so I would know how much I drink during the day. I still have no used it yet. I plan to wash it today and fill it with either water or Gatorade. I haven’t decided which I am going to use. I want to track how much I drink so I know when I cath if the output is the same. Right now drinking Gatorade I am just estimating how much I drink.
I have a feeling when I talk to the uro NP she is going to have me measure my urine when I go to see how much I am outputting. That isn’t going to be fun. I understand the reasoning behind it but it is just a pain in the ass. I might have to go in to get a bladder scan after I cath to see if there is anything left. It is the only way of knowing if I am truly empty. I hate my life right now as it just seems to revolve around bladder issues. It is always in the forefront of my mind.
It has almost been a week since I last planned the end of my life. I didn’t go through with attempting because I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to fail again so I held off. Now I am future planning with my hysterectomy surgery coming up and thinking about going to the weight clinic so I can lose weight to have top surgery. This is a big deal for me because it is living. Doing gender affirming things is making suicide less of an option.
My therapist was curious about my future planning. When she said that, I got scared. I told her about my realization last night about how suicide will be on the back burners should I opt to go to the weight clinic so I can have top surgery. It would be stupid to lose weight and kill myself. I never thought I would feel this way about life and wanting something from it because I have wanted to die for so long. I still want to die, especially after the day I have had today. I’ve been in pain and cathing hasn’t been easy today for some reason. I have cut down the hours to three to cath because the urge to go has been so strong when I cath it is like popping a water balloon and pee goes everywhere. I also have been in pain since 4am this morning. My aunts were over and my mother deadnamed me. This was right before therapy. I feel so bad about things. I hate my life.
I am scared about this future planning and being suicidal. I have lived a dual life where I was planning to end my life yet carrying on like I wasn’t. Now the opposite is happening and I know that there are stats that go against me. I am not saying that this forward thinking is going to prevent my suicidal thoughts from happening. I am slowly doing things that make me laugh and feel good. My therapist recommended I watch the show Community and although it is a stupid funny show, I enjoy watching it. It takes me out of my head. When I woke up at 4 this morning I watched an episode to try and settle things down so the pain meds would work and I could go back to sleep. My bladder had other plans though. It kept waking me up every couple of hours to be emptied. And this is without drinking any fluids.
Suicide has always been my go to option when I am feeling bad, really bad. Now that I am finding more options to things, I am needing it less. It feels really, really strange. Losing weight will be a huge challenge for me. I am not ready to face it. I have to get through my hysterectomy surgery first. Once I have recovered, I plan on going to the weight clinic to help me be the weight I want to be. Just hope that this new living plan that is forming doesn’t get derailed by suicidal thinking again. After all, suicide is always an option no matter how much living I do.
As you may know by now, I am a huge Taylor Swift fan. Her latest album, Fearless (Taylor’s version) has been playing since I have been able to download it to my phone. There are two songs I absolutely love. One is Love Story and the other is Don’t You. I am having a hard time deciding which to put on repeat because I want them both on my top 25 playlist. Right now the numbers are below 50 for Love Story and over 50 for Don’t You. (The numbers are how many times it has been played as recorded by my MP3 app.) I have been thinking of making a playlist with just those two songs so that I can listen to them back to back. I might just do that. Don’t You has been really talking to me, but not in a psychotic way. I just can really relate to this song so much. Taylor’s new music has been really good and there have been songs I can finally relate to. I feel like that her new music has been grown up as she is older now. My other dilemma with her music is that I follow her lyric bots for the album folklore and when a lyric plays and I don’t know the song, I want to listen to the album to know what the song is. It is driving me crazy not knowing.
It is almost 2am. I woke up an hour ago because of pain. And I had to pee as it has been six hours. I was able to void without cathing so I am happy about that. I am not happy I have a uti. My culture came back positive for bacteria. I haven’t heard from the NP yet if she is going to treat it or not. I have been feeling yucky the past two weeks since the cramping started. I have had busy back to back days and am really tired but cannot seem to sleep. I want to change my sheets but it will be a hassle as I have stuff on my bed again. I got Amazon packages surrounding my bed. I just have to take two downstairs to put on my porch. It is my new coffee that I love from Starbucks called Spring Day. It is limited so I bought a bunch while I had the money.
I was able to wake up early this morning to get my first vaccine shot. It took less than twenty minutes and I was early. I had to stay a little longer than the usual 15 minute observation period because I had an anaphylaxis reaction to ginger. Ginger is not in the vaccine but they wanted to be cautious because I had this reaction. The only reaction I am having right now is a sore arm and a headache which Tylenol helped very much. I had to ask my doctor if taking Tylenol on a daily basis is good. He said as long as I don’t go over the 2000 mg dose a day I am ok.