listening to 1989 again

Listening to 1989 again

I completely love the album 1989 by Taylor Swift. It is one of my top favorite albums. So I am listening to it all day until the game tonight.

I had therapy and my therapist wanted to discuss what went on last week. She said that it is looking like I have Treatment Resistant Depression as I have failed multiple trials of antidepressants. She said that I could try avenues of TMS or ECT. I have tried to get TMS for a while but my prescriber has always let the conversation die in the mist of discussion. But medication isn’t the answer for me. She is still wanting me to try groups and shit. We talked about stuff I could do with my time. She brought up writer groups and I thought about the writer’s group in Boston but they are way out of my price range. One class is like $400. So this isn’t an option for me.

I wanted to bring up trauma but I really didn’t want to get into it. We have danced around it for a while but we never have delved into it much. Trouble is I have so much trauma, I don’t know what to talk about first. Do I talk about the trauma with my mother, father, ex, medical profession, cousin, or just the vicarious trauma life throws at you? I also had a therapist that took advantage of me when I was a teen. She knew I had feelings for her so she thought she could use them and my insurance to drag out sessions. I read her notes and she said that I would do best with an insightful therapist as I had good insights. I also have a lot of therapists that left their scars with me when they left. Some of the therapists I still keep in touch with. Some have left and never seen again.

I ordered Chinese food because I am addicted to Kung Pao from Panda Express. They make it with zucchini and I love zucchini. It ought to clear my sinuses up. I have such a sinus headache right now from all the sneezing I have been doing today. What really sucked was when I was cathing I got a sneeze attack. Luckily urine didn’t go everywhere and the catheter stayed inside of me.  Fucking a man. I hate when that happens.

I have realized that Blank Space is my therapist’s song. “got a long list of ex lovers who will tell you I’m insane” is perfect for all the ex therapists I have had over the years. Omg who is she I get drunk on jealousy but you’ll come back every time you leave because darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream. So it’s gonna be forever or is it gonna go down in flames? The lyrics are just hitting me. I’ve been listening to the song on repeat for the past hour.

My food will be here soon. The driver had another drop off before mine so it is delayed. I hate when that happens. They say that it is cost effective but for who? I am the one waiting the extra time for my food.

I need to shave my head today. I might shower but it doesn’t look likely. I’ve gotten back in the habit of shaving. I love the bald feel of my head.

making phone calls and being on hold

Making phone calls and being on hold

I got my new SIM card for my phones and put them in. Unfortunately, I am unable to install the new voicemail feature and it said to call a number. I did and was put on hold. I also called my service provider to take a line off my account and was put on hold. Catheter company called just as therapy was ending so when I returned the call I was on hold. Doesn’t anyone get this lucky when making phone calls? I wouldn’t mind but the catheter company had piano music that was so depressing. I could only bear it for so long and then I hung up to call again. Finally got through to someone at my cell provider and turns out all I needed to do was update the app. I was with the tech for just a minute after spending 20 on hold.

Today is my nephew’s birthday so we celebrated out in my backyard. I lasted a couple of hours before the heat got to me. I am so tired and because I was sitting, my ankle/foot is flared up. Going to be a while before it settles down before I am able to sleep. Veins are popping on my foot which isn’t a good sign. CRPS swells up really good. The Suicidal area on my ankle has flared up a few notches. My sister had me go downstairs to check on my mother. I wish I didn’t because now the pain is agony. Foot and ankle are screaming at me. And just like that I am in a suicidal spiral. The pain is causing me to feel so damn hopeless and I am trying to “ignore” it. I am trying to say it will pass and then I will be “fine”. But in this moment I wish I was dead. I just took my BT meds with Tylenol. Hopefully in an hour I will be feeling better.

I am listening to a song by Taylor Swift on repeat. I don’t know what it is about this song but I absolutely love it so much. The melody of the song just draws me in. As many times as I have heard this song I still do not know it word for word, yet. I am getting there with each repeat.

when morning pain is too much

When morning pain is too much

Early this morning I got a wicked bad cramp in my CRPS foot. I couldn’t do nothing but bear it. I couldn’t move it or anything. I knew it wasn’t because I was dehydrated because I was drinking fluids when I was up at 1 am. I drank half a bottle of Gatorade. My foot is still severely sore so I had to take a couple of BT meds. I wanted to go grocery shopping today but that isn’t happening.

I ended up going to PT last night. She worked on my calf muscle which she said had a A+ knot in it. I am to roll a tennis ball underneath it to try and work it out. She said I might need dry needling to get it out but I would be limping out of the office as it is painful. She was just working on it with her hands and it was fucking hurting so bad so I know the needling would be worse. She told me that I could use a book on the bed and roll it. That is an awesome idea because I have a foam topper and the ball would just sink in and not move. My calf is still sore from the massaging she did. I walked up the hill to my house and it hurt so bad last night coming home. My breathing is going to take time to get better, she said. It is the last thing to get better. But I should continue to walk up the hill. I won’t be walking today because of my foot.

I made an appointment with my therapist for the end of the month. I figured if I have an appointment, I wouldn’t stray too much away from therapy. I see my pcp next week, in person. I am going to see if he can order fasting labs for me as it has been a while since I have had them done. I just sent them a message to find out if I should contact uro because I am still experiencing pain in my urethra despite not cathing. I don’t want to take the pyridium tabs because they cause me to retain more as I don’t get the urge to go. Today is the last day I am on antibiotics for this UTI. I haven’t cathed the whole time I was on because the urge was there for me to go. I also haven’t been on a schedule because I seem to be able to go every 3-4 hours on my own.

I am listening to Taylor Swift’s Speak Now album. I love this album so much. I wanted to listen to Fearless and I might later. Or maybe I will mix the albums and create a playlist. I don’t know. I just need to hear good music that puts me in a good mood without causing me to think about things.

I am getting tired. I was up in the middle of the night again and didn’t go back to sleep until around 4am. I woke up around 0730 to pee and I have been up since. I might need a second cup of coffee soon. I want to work on my 2nd memoir today. If I can write at least 300 words that would be good. I don’t really know where this book is going. I have written only around 500 words so far. It has been a slow start because it is so personal.

My legs are killing me so I really think despite taking BT meds, it isn’t enough for me to go grocery shopping by bus. It will be too much for me and I don’t want to hurt more than I already do. Today would be a perfect day for it because the weather is perfect. It has cooled off considerably and is a nice sunny day. The wind makes it cool but other than that it is a really beautiful day.

Love Story vs Don’t You

Love story vs don’t you

As you may know by now, I am a huge Taylor Swift fan. Her latest album, Fearless (Taylor’s version) has been playing since I have been able to download it to my phone. There are two songs I absolutely love. One is Love Story and the other is Don’t You. I am having a hard time deciding which to put on repeat because I want them both on my top 25 playlist. Right now the numbers are below 50 for Love Story and over 50 for Don’t You. (The numbers are how many times it has been played as recorded by my MP3 app.) I have been thinking of making a playlist with just those two songs so that I can listen to them back to back. I might just do that. Don’t You has been really talking to me, but not in a psychotic way. I just can really relate to this song so much. Taylor’s new music has been really good and there have been songs I can finally relate to. I feel like that her new music has been grown up as she is older now. My other dilemma with her music is that I follow her lyric bots for the album folklore and when a lyric plays and I don’t know the song, I want to listen to the album to know what the song is. It is driving me crazy not knowing.

It is almost 2am. I woke up an hour ago because of pain. And I had to pee as it has been six hours. I was able to void without cathing so I am happy about that. I am not happy I have a uti. My culture came back positive for bacteria. I haven’t heard from the NP yet if she is going to treat it or not. I have been feeling yucky the past two weeks since the cramping started. I have had busy back to back days and am really tired but cannot seem to sleep. I want to change my sheets but it will be a hassle as I have stuff on my bed again. I got Amazon packages surrounding my bed. I just have to take two downstairs to put on my porch. It is my new coffee that I love from Starbucks called Spring Day. It is limited so I bought a bunch while I had the money.

I was able to wake up early this morning to get my first vaccine shot. It took less than twenty minutes and I was early. I had to stay a little longer than the usual 15 minute observation period because I had an anaphylaxis reaction to ginger. Ginger is not in the vaccine but they wanted to be cautious because I had this reaction. The only reaction I am having right now is a sore arm and a headache which Tylenol helped very much. I had to ask my doctor if taking Tylenol on a daily basis is good. He said as long as I don’t go over the 2000 mg dose a day I am ok.