I don’t know what to say

I don’t know what to say

Been a hard few days for me with pain and depression. I had therapy Wednesday and it was a disaster. I became suicidal after we went over some negative thoughts and then we both became frustrated. I told her I didn’t want to be in the hosp. She wanted me to join a group of some sort. I called the chronic pain support and they have a long waiting list so I won’t be able to go to that for a while. I got the impression she doesn’t know how to support me when I am suicidal. Yesterday I wrote her a message telling her about the suicide response plan and safety planning by Brown and Stanley. I don’t care which one we use but I think it is important to use one of them. I told her I prefer the suicide response plan because it is what Jobes uses for CAMS. I told her what CAMS was and how I find benefit from it but there are no CAMS trained therapists in Boston.

I got really upset and thought she didn’t want to work with me anymore because she said that she was tired of this cycle we get in when I get suicidal. She wants me to check the facts about this. I was sure she didn’t want to work with me anymore because I was too suicidal. I still feel like I might need another therapist but I know finding one now is going to be impossible because of the pandemic and because of my history.

Last night I had a runny nose and was sneezing my head off. I felt lousy. I still feel like I am coming down with a cold so I am trying to limit my exposure to my mother in case I am sick. I need to shower and shave my head. I got my haircut Wed. I didn’t have it all nice when I was talking to my therapist though. I had rinse out the hairs and it was messy. I didn’t care. I haven’t showered all week. I am trying to get enough energy to do it. I just feel so tired and don’t want to do anything. I really need to go to the grocery store to get more Gatorade. I have just six bottles right now. That is not going to be enough for the month, or even a week.

Yesterday I had PT and my deltoid is sore today. It feels bruised but there is no bruise mark on it. She did a lot of work on my arms yesterday. I got more stretches for my neck. I am glad because my neck has been such a pain. I need to put heat on it. Only thing is my family keeps moving my heat wrap on me so when I am in the kitchen, it isn’t there for me to throw in the microwave. It is the only way I can put heat on. PT also gave me some tennis balls for my back and hamstring. I have to rig something to have it between my shoulder blades. She said that I can use scotch tape but I think the balls will be too heavy for it. Will try it and see. Otherwise I will have to think of something else. Maybe a sock or something.

I got a letter from my pcp yesterday. He is leaving to go to the CDC. His last day is April 1st. This really sucks because I really liked him. He was a good doctor. I am going to miss him. I see him Monday for a follow up. It will be our last. Really sucks.

shaving again

Shaving again

Yesterday I took my beard down to a stubble and then today I used my electric shaver to take it off. It feels good to be clean shaven again. I have two appointments today that are close to one another. I haven’t figured out where I will be for my psychiatrist’s appointment. It is virtual. I am tempted to make my PT virtual but then I don’t get the hands on that I need.

Tomorrow I am seeing my barber to get my mop cut. It is much too long and is annoying me. I’ll have it trimmed a little bit so that it isn’t so long. I think I might go with a side look and bald fade again. My barber does an excellent bald fade.

I slept okay last night but I am still so tired. I feel like I can sleep another couple of hours. Coffee helped wake me up a little bit. I had the belVita biscuits with it. It is my favorite breakfast. I bought different flavors of the biscuits so I wouldn’t get bored. I need to buy more. I plan on going out to the supermarket tomorrow after my haircut.

Therapy went well yesterday. We talked about CBT therapy and how thinking negative thoughts influences behavior. I am to write down my negative thoughts but not ruminate about them. I haven’t done this yet. I have trouble identifying negative thoughts when I have them so this is going to be a tough assignment.

My leg and ankle were hurting me so bad yesterday I just wanted to cry and stay in bed but my mother had a visiting nurse come and I had to stay with her in case there were issues. I think that is why I am so tired today is because of all the pain I was in yesterday. It is a lot to deal with. My ankle is still hurting me today because it is so cold out and windy. The temp dropped like almost 20 degrees. It hurts.

I am trying to keep myself hydrated. I forget to drink during the day and then wonder why I haven’t peed. I am still constipated so need to keep up with the Miralax to keep going. I sort of woke up in pain this morning because I was sleeping on my right shoulder. I hate when that happens because it is nerve pain. I decided to change my in person PT appointment to virtual because I don’t feel like going out. I am in too much pain with my ankle. The pain is throbbing.

pain, pain, and more pain

Pain, pain, and more pain

I have been severely depressed and in a lot of pain with my shoulder and neck the past few days. Yesterday I went to PT for some more dry needling. She checked my progress and I have improved a lot since first going to her but the pain and sleep have not gotten any better.

A psychiatrist I follow on Twitter told me about some Taylor Swift journals so I had to have them. I just got them today and they are purdy. I can’t wait to write in them. I am still writing in a Harry Potter journal. I haven’t been writing lately. Been so hard for me to write down my thoughts lately. I know it has been a while since I last blogged. I have been really struggling with the depression. Pain has been making the depression worse so it cycles. My therapist thinks that I am in my head too much. I don’t know what that means. I got to ask her when I see her Mon. We are going to do the CBT pain workbook together. I hope that this book will help me.

I emailed my neurosurgeon asking him if my weight restriction could be increased to 15 lbs. Right now I am not supposed to lift more than 5 lbs. He gave me the okay as long as I didn’t get a headache from doing so. I feel like I have made some progress. I still am deconditioned as I brought my groceries up the stairs by myself and got really winded. It took me like six trips because there was six bags. I only bought ten Gatorade. It wasn’t the flavor I wanted but that is ok. I will go to the grocery store tomorrow and get the flavor I like. It is supposed to snow tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes. There is supposed to be some good weather next week so hopefully I can go then if this weekend’s weather is shitty.

I am in so much pain in so many body parts it isn’t funny. Mostly the pain is on my left side. I want to cry. But the tears aren’t coming. It has been so hard to cry lately. I feel like I should, I probably would feel better but I just can’t seem to let myself. I feel like watching old baseball games or Sox highlights of the 2004 and 2007 games so I can cry. It will be the same release, except instead of sad tears they will be happy tears. I am such a wimp. I watched the 2007 series DVD and cried throughout it. I swear I went through a box of tissues.

I just tweeted to the psychiatrist that I got the new journals so now we are having a conversation about how to get another lyric printed. This is so fun. Another therapist friend had a predictive text for therapist and this is what mine said “my therapist told me I am not going to be in a relationship because of my favorite country artist”. HA HA. I love it. I can’t wait to show her on Monday.

pain and therapy

Pain and therapy

I had therapy today and I was in a rotten mood. We talked about how scared I was about my mother being in the hospital and her heart being dysfunctional. Then I talked about how I wanted to die. I told her to just write me off as hopeless. She said there are no hopeless cases. I really wanted her to say ok, I won’t see you anymore just so I could off myself. But she isn’t going to do that. We set up another appointment for the week and we will start the managing chronic pain book. I asked if I needed to keep the appointment and she said it would be for me if I keep it.

I don’t know if I am going to keep it. I got the fuck its big time and just don’t want to do a damn thing except kill myself. But I can’t right now and that sucks. I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder/neck. I started hurting with leg pain before my suicidal melt down. We were talking about how PT really hurt and I wanted to die but instead told the PT that I wanted to cry. She said that I couldn’t cry so she put some biofreeze on me. Thing me sweat so bad. My shirt was soaked by the time I got home.

I have PT tomorrow. I was talking to a friend that has had shoulder injuries and she said it could be years for knots to be taken out. I hope that doesn’t happen to me. I will hate being in pain for years with this. I will definitely die if that happens. The pain is horrible. The pain goes around my ear and in my jaw. It is so awful. I am hurting something really bad and I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

I finally changed my sheets today. I am in my mother’s bed as the new foam topper takes shape. It could be up to 48 hours for it to hold shape. UGH I didn’t know this. So tomorrow my niece will help me make my bed. I tried today and my back wouldn’t have it. I folded my clothes and it took all the energy I had to do it. My back was so bad. I would have done the dishes but I was hurting too much. My ankle has flared up now so I am stuck in bed. I took double my BT meds. I hate doing that because I can’t take more if I need it. But sometimes two work better than one pill. I am getting tired so I should be going to bed shortly. I just wanted to write this down while I was still up.