Tag Archives: therapy

6 August 2018

6 August 2018

I’ve decided for the month of August, I am going to use the date as my title, unless I can come up with a fancier title. I have found that I am just reusing my previous titles and coming up with something fresh is hard, after 6 years of blogging. Can’t believe this blog is 6 years old but it is.

Today started okay. I woke up around 0530 to use the bathroom and my mother had to as well. I waited for her to finish. I then changed the time for my morning meds so I could sleep a little later. It went off and I didn’t want to get up. I felt like I should have stayed up rather than go back to sleep. I said I would get up at 0930, but didn’t feel like it. I said ten and when I looked at my phone next, it was almost 11 and shit, I had to get up and do things. I checked on my mother. She was okay. The PT person was already come and gone. My mother just needed her ice bucket filled. I took the top off and water went everywhere. I got a towel and then took it off again. I emptied half of it and then filled it with ice. Brought it back to the living room. My mother plugged it in and then I went to check on my niece.

She was reading a book (a real one, not an electronic one). I didn’t say anything as I was just in awe. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, she said no. I asked why and she said she wasn’t hungry. I said did you eat last night? She said yes, her sister made her some eggs. Okay. I got my braces on and my sneakers. I was about to leave when I realized I forgot my cup. I had to go up the stairs with these damn braces and then back down. Thankfully, I did okay.

It was wicked hot out. I was sweating and almost soaked by the time I reached the bus stop. The sun was just beating down on the stop. I realized while I was waiting, I forgot to protect the sore that had popped up on Friday. I would take care of it when I get home. I had to buy the antibiotic cream anyway. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a bagel. I wish I brought another T-Shirt with me because I was drenched. But I didn’t and the other one would just get wet by the time I got home anyway so it didn’t matter. I wrote in my journal for a bit but didn’t write long. I left for the train and that is where my day went south.

The train came at a slow pace and by the time we got close to the next stop, it stopped. Something was wrong with the power. We had to get off the train after being on it for like 15 minutes, stuck in the tunnel. I texted my therapist to say I was going to be late. I waited for the “train that was behind the disabled train”. Which was another 5-10 minutes. Every stop had a hoard of people. I got off my stop as I had to yell coming out! Damn idiots with huge backpacks wouldn’t move to let me pass! I was so annoyed. Then I waited for the bus. It was another 10 minutes before it arrived. I was 15 minutes late for my appt and I wasn’t happy. I hate being late. I told my therapist about things in the short session. He was quickly realizing that I was doing all these things for people yet was not getting much in return. He was right. With the exception of my psychiatrist, no doctor was really helping me. The last few minutes I spent explaining how I was wearing a brace on my right ankle.

I decided to walk to the elevator after my appt rather than go down the narrow stairs with two braces on. I was so hot and tired but I still needed to go to the store. I wanted some protein bars and the antibiotic cream. I wish they had a mix and match with the antibiotic cream and bandages as each were buy one, get one 50% off. The protein bars that were 4/$5 didn’t have my flavor I liked. But there were other bars for 5/$5 that did have my favorite flavor. I got 5 of those. I then trekked home. I was so fricken hot and knew it was only going to be hotter in my house. It was slightly cool in my hallway, but the doors to both apartments were open so the heat was causing it to be warm. I checked on my niece and she didn’t eat anything but cereal. She said she was going to make a sandwich. As I took off my AFO, I saw the sore was all red and looked like the skin was worn away. I needed a shower. Every pore was full of sweat. Even my diaper was soaked (not the part that is supposed to catch urine, the part that goes around you). I went upstairs and my baby cousin was over. She looked at me and was gonna cry. She just looked at me like she didn’t know me, even though I saw her the other day. Kids are funny. I sat in front of the fan as I tried making her laugh. My feet were killing me and I was dreading the shower. I went upstairs to change, totally forgetting my aunt was over as I came down with just a change of clothes for the shower and the t-shirt I was wearing. Oops. I covered myself as I rushed to the bathroom. I grabbed a towel as I let the water run. Went back to the bathroom and shaved my head. My razor needed to be changed but I took off most of the hair that grew from yesterday. I shaved my pits while in the shower. I was going to use the trimmer but I had put deodorant on in the morning and didn’t want to clog the blades. I just used the razor in the shower. Then I washed off and tried to stay under the cool water for as long as I could stand it. I dried off and then wrapped the towel around me. It was longer than the other one so covered me. I then hurried upstairs before I was soaked again. My feet were barking. I cooled off a bit before I put the cream and a bandage on my sore.

My sister made potatoes and hot dogs for dinner. She didn’t make them like my mother. They were extremely mushy. Might as well have been mashed potatoes with hot dogs. She didn’t use my hot dogs because my mother “buys shit hot dogs” but used my brother in law’s which is worse as it’s a mix of pork, chicken, and beef. I buy all beef hot dogs. I gave her a look when she told me. She said why and I said because we have like 4 packages of hot dogs! And they are all beef. Then my aunt was saying something about it because she had to put in a word about it. I was hungry so just ate them. She didn’t burn any hot dogs, which is a shame as I like them burnt.
Now I am just going to relax as there isn’t a game on tonight. I think I am going to try and finish Norse Mythology. I wish I could drop the Poe Shadow book but I am already half way through it. It is just getting boring and seems to get more made up as it goes on. I know it is fiction and all, but usually the book has a beginning, climax, and end. This book’s climax seems to be going all over the place, which makes me weary on reading the author’s other books.

about today’s therapy session

After I wrote my blog last night, I stayed up for maybe an hour and then I crashed. I was so wiped out and knew if I fought it, I was going to get overtired and then sleep whenever. So I basically fell asleep by 2130. But fucking stupid pain woke me at 0100. Again it happened while I was dreaming to wake me up. Annoying. I had taken my pain meds so I don’t understand why I am waking up in pain. Doesn’t make sense. It was difficult to go back to sleep. Around 5, I made breakfast. I read. I laid down to try and sleep but then my fricken bones started hurting. I didn’t fall back to sleep until 0630. I took my morning meds before I tried sleeping, including my pain meds as I put the do not disturb on my phone but set my alarm for exclusion so I wouldn’t oversleep.

The damn thing went off at 10 but I didn’t want to get up. I had to sleep because I had a late therapy appointment and if I stayed up, I might be groggy by the time therapy rolled around. I didn’t want that. I took a shower and then went to my room to cool off. Then I made some cold cut sandwiches for lunch. I then left to do the errand for mother. When I was done, the bus was there so I took it, even though it wouldn’t take me to the square. I ordered my espresso got some Pike for home. Then I had my sandwich. It was good. I had brought some cookies in case I wanted something sweet but I was too full. I wrote in my journal for a bit and then left for therapy.

Therapy was good. I brought up some difficult things I wanted to discuss but wasn’t sure if he would dump me after I told him. I said so and he said there were only about 4 things that would cause him to dump me. 1) self-harm in his office, 2) injuring him, 3) destroying any of his office things, and the 4) undressing in his in office. Then asked him if he planned on undressing and he said no. Good. I really don’t want to see him naked!

We had a good chat around my suicidality. I brought up some points that my friend on Twitter brought up with the blog I wrote over the weekend. He asked why I thought it would scare him away and I said because I wasn’t sure how crazy you would think I am. He said he has extensive work in trauma so understands how things can get wonky trying to cope with it when you don’t know how to cope, basically (my words, not his). I felt better talking about this and asked what to do about it and he gave me an answer that I didn’t like, which was “this”. And I was like what, put things in a bag and then pull them out one by one? Deal with everything? Come on, man, give me some guidance! We went over the stuff little by little until time ran out. But there is no structure with how we will proceed and that kind of irks me. He said I like control and I do, to a degree. This guy really gets me and I am so glad because I can talk to him and not worry he is going to force me to go to the hospital after we talk or bind me to some safety contract before leaving. The suicidologist in me is totally freaking out about this because there should be SOME plan but there isn’t. He has said that if I want to kill myself, I am free to do so, just don’t do it in his office, basically. This is really hard to grasp when I have had 27 years of therapists that have been very strict on safety and calling for help and the what not of trying to keep me alive. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t give a shit if I live or die, but today I got a glimpse that he does care if I do. Usually, the therapist’s care if what helps me to know if I am worth caring about. I know my psychiatrist cares. She wouldn’t nudge me and be a pain in the ass about me seeing her if she didn’t. I don’t get that way with this therapist though. If I want to cancel, it is okay where past therapists have always given me a hassle on why did I cancel like if I didn’t have a good enough reason, I couldn’t cancel the session. I tell him I can’t make it, and that is fine with him. He understands that I have a medical condition that sometimes forces me out of the game. I sometimes cannot physically make it in. I try though and I sometimes wait too long to cancel until I realize I can’t cancel because it is past the golden hour to do so.

Anyway, these are just my experiences with this therapist. I like him even though there is no structure. Just talk and see where it goes kind of deal. It kind of drives me crazy some times but it is also okay because there is no linear path of getting better. Just like my memoir. It goes forwards and backwards. I hope we do talk about what we talked about today again. I think I will have to bring it up to work on it. I just don’t see him doing that.

randomness 23 July 18

Randomness 23 July 18

I sent off an email to my psychiatrist sometime last night as I was in so much pain and I was angry. I told her I didn’t want to see her and to say this email is notification of cancellation of our next appt. I eventually went to sleep sometime after 1 am. I had put on a brace as the pain was just so bad. The compression of the brace helped but didn’t take it away completely.

I woke up to my phone’s med alarm. I took my meds but didn’t take my allergy pill. I went back to sleep but tried not to go into a deep sleep as I had to be up in a few hours. My psych had responded to my email but I didn’t have my glasses on to see what she said. I got up around a little after 11 am. I read the email and she basically said that she hopes I feel differently in the morning. I don’t. I don’t want to see her. I then took a shower. The house was like a sauna. I don’t know why I bothered picking out clothes. I was drenched in sweat by the time I came back to my room to cool off. I had an hour before I had to leave the house for the bus. I thought that was a good time.

I left and when I opened the door, it was raining so I went back in to get my umbrella. I wasn’t going to use my Bluetooth headset. The rain let up and the clouds cleared but it was still humid as hell. Then the skies opened up. Glad there was some drizzle before it happened to give me time to reopen my umbrella. It let up, again, by the time the bus finally arrived.

I got to starbucks and they had a new sandwich. I tried it and didn’t like it. I might as well as just pour a shaker of salt in my mouth. It was so salty. And the “bacon” was more like a ham. I couldn’t take the egg as everything else was overpowering. I felt like ordering something else but I didn’t want to get up. Then I looked at the time and shit, it was 1330! I had to leave for my appt. I quickly threw away what I didn’t eat, grabbed my coffee, and left for the train station. When I got to my stop and was waiting for the bus, I texted my therapist saying I might be late. Bus came like 30 seconds later so I was on time.

I didn’t talk about anything in particular. I told him about living alone and how scary it was the other day when there was no adults home and my ankle gave out. He said I should look into assisted living programs before something else happens to my mother, like her being forced in a nursing home or something worse. I said I will. I know there are some residential programs popping up around my city. I think you have to be apart of the Department of Mental Health to apply for them, though. I am sure there are others that maybe Medicare will have. I don’t have to look right this second but my mother being in the rehab has been an eye opener. We talked about my anxieties while she was gone and how difficult it was to keep up basic chores, like washing dishes and such. I didn’t tell him about the email I sent to my psychiatrist at all. I didn’t want to talk about it.

I left and was wondering what I was going to do for dinner. It was too hot to cook or use the oven. I just caught the bus home and was lost in my music as I was walking home. My legs have been feeling like lead all day. My lower body didn’t want to work at all. It just hurt to stand and walk. There was mail in the mailbox and I was sweating a lot by the time I got in the house. I just wanted to go up to my room and cool off. My mother called and wanted me to give my aunt some things that she needed. I also gave her some mail that I thought was important. I rested until I was sufficiently cool to go back out again. My cousin was parked outside my aunt’s house and we talked. He said he would be taking my aunt to see my mother. I told him I guess that means you won’t be taking me to Stop and Shop. He said sorry. Thanks for nothing bud. I might just take the bus, if the weather is decent. I have no idea if it is going to be just as humid or not. There are a few things I need to get that the online grocery doesn’t have, like a quart of milk. All they have is a half-gallon. I don’t need it as I got soy milk and almond milk. But I do like milk for when I have tea. I also wanted some cold cuts so I could make sandwiches. I can only get half a pound in the grocery app. So stupid but I guess they need the quantity in order to make it worthwhile.

it is hot and I am hangry

It is hot and I am hangry

I have been in a kind of pissy mood most of the day. I found out that it is because I am hungry. I felt better once I had breakfast and then didn’t eat again until I got home from therapy. I was so friggen angry. Every moron was in my way. I nearly missed my stop because I lost track of the stops. I thought I got on the train where my psychiatrist is. My therapist is two stops later. I was so angry and distracted by my phone, I lost count and luckily looked up in time. No matter, the bus decided not to show up. I caught the bus down the street to catch the 1545 bus that would take me home. I am so mad! And HOT. On the way home, I saw my cousin sitting on the wall by Walgreens. I guess he stopped to relax as his prescription wasn’t ready. We talked on the way home. It had been a while since we chatted. I have his number blocked because he annoys me. Sorry but if I don’t answer my phone the first time, that doesn’t give you permission to call every two minutes for 10 minutes trying to reach me!!

I ordered food because I didn’t want to heat up the pulled pork or make something else. I was too tired and hot. Therapy went okay. He is on vacation for two weeks. Kind of weird not seeing him. He asked why. I said because we have not really had two consecutive weeks of not seeing each other. Maybe every other week but not two weeks. And in that time frame, I don’t have anything else scheduled. Mostly because the All Star game is playing, which means the Sox are off for four days. I hate that week. I miss my boys playing. I can’t believe we are almost at the midway point. We lost big time last night. Sox got their asses handed to them all because of OverPriced Price. Fricken asshole. I think he did it on purpose so he can find some excuse not to play them next time. Fricken loser he is. And a $31 million dollar one at that!

I wrote my friend an email. I sent her an email a couple weeks ago with a doggie pic of the breed she likes. But my stupid phone did something to the email I wrote and it got stuck in my outbox so the only thing that got sent was the pic, then it looked like she responded but there was nothing. I don’t know. I used my computer to send her another message with an update. I am seeing my friends that are south of Boston on the 4th. I am wicked excited. I told them I might be late as the T is running on a Sunday schedule, which means no service to the red line. I hope I can get a ride from my sister. She hasn’t answered my text so not sure what she is doing. If I can’t, I will have to go to the Orange line and transfer to the red. I have no idea how the trains are going to be running. I know I will probably need a cab home.

My back started to act up soon after I got up. Started with my right buttock hurting. I used a tennis ball to massage it. Now my lower back on the right side is hurting. Feels like the muscles want to be torn away from my spine and sacrum. I just hurt. I took some ibuprofen to help with the pain. It is all muscles. I have no radiating pain that would indicate a nerve problem. Weird thing is that I am having zaps (electric shocks) going through the sole of my left foot. It is mild but can cause me to jump at any minute. I had to put my foot at a weird angle to make it stop. Hate zaps. They are more unpredictable than flares. Come when you least expect it and just going about your business. Fuckers. I wish I didn’t have PT tomorrow but the next few days are going to be hot either way. Friday there are going to be storms so I don’t want to go out in that. I just want to hug my AC. I woke up freezing around maybe 4 this morning. I had to shut it off. Then I woke up hot. It didn’t matter as I had to be up anyways. I wish I stayed up than go back to sleep. I feel so worn out. Even my therapist said I was tired.

How a grumpy day turned awesome!

How a grumpy day turned awesome (skip to end if you don’t want the boring parts)

I woke up grumpy. I kept waking up at odd hours, mostly because I was afraid I was going to sleep through my alarm. When the alarm finally went off, I was not wanted to get out of bed but my bladder forced me too. I used the bathroom before I took my meds. There was no waiting. I guess I had been holding it for some time and it wanted to be emptied now. After I went, I brushed my teeth. It was only after I had rinsed my mouth I realized I still had to take my meds. Fuck. That meant water and it was too early for that. It would make me puke. I took them with powerade anyway.

I then got a text message saying the bus I needed to take was 20 minutes behind. I got two of them so fuck leaving in 45 minutes. I had to leave now, going a different way. I got dressed quickly. I went downstairs and gave my mother the check for tomorrow so she could go to the bank. I told her I would be home sometime in the afternoon and she said today in a demanding tone so I said no tomorrow in a sarcastic tone and she yelled at me. Fuck you and I left (I didn’t say that or I wouldn’t be typing right now. I went to the bus stop. I checked the bus app to see when one would be coming and it said a few minutes. I didn’t feel like putting my headphones on. I wanted coffee badly. When I got to the station, where I planned on getting my caffeination, it was closed. Just lovely. I got my pass for the month and went to catch the train. The train came and I had to get one another one to get to my stop. That train was heading back to Boston. Fucking fuck. A switcharoo this early in the morning?? UGH. I got on the train to go one stop. Then this Chinese lady raced for the elevator and I waited for the next one. It was full of people so I waited for them to exit. A guy came on before I did and nearly closed the door on me. WTF. I hoped the bus I had to take to PT would be coming soon and it did.

I had a half hour before my appointment so I went to Dunks and had their coffee. It was decent. I also had a sandwich to try and get me out of the grumpy mood. My hip was hurting me and I forgot my breakthrough meds. This was just great. Around 1030, I walked to the PT office building and waited for my PT after I checked in. She got me and asked how I was and I told her my hip was really bothering it, you aren’t touching it today. And if you tried, I will yell at you. She said okay. I told her I did my exercises yesterday and she was happy. I did about three clamshell before my hip said no more. I told her I think I had the pillow too high. She said try a lower pillow so I will. We did the exercises she gave me to make sure I was doing them right. Then she said she was going to do myofacial release and I got scared. I said I will yell at you if you hurt me. She then showed me what she was going to do on my left arm. I then told her, that huh, that was probably not a good arm and showed her the bruise my doorway gave me. She asked how I got it and I said I was attacked by my doorway! She laughed. She showed me what she was going to do on my good arm and I said okay but be careful. I had stuff to do today and didn’t want to be in more pain by the end of the day than I want to be. As she was doing it, she kept creeping up to the area that hurt and I said watch it. She said ok. She did it for a few minutes and then it was over. I didn’t feel any different. My hip still hurt the same. She then asked about appt and I made two more.

I missed the half past buses and had to wait nearly a half hour to get back to the station. My hip was not happy as I had to stand. I was doing everything, walking around, standing on a wall, shifting my weight, all the while cursing myself for forgetting my pain meds. I was listening to my country music. Finally the bus came but the only seat available was the one facing the buildings where my father used to live. I closed my eyes so memories wouldn’t come flooding back. I had to wait for the train. The time thing was wrong. I waited more than 1 minute for the train, maybe 5-8. I was standing so my hip was thrilled as well. I got on the train and took a grumpy selfie. I was so pissed. I still had to connect to another train line to get to my therapist’s office. I got to the connection and followed the sign to where I thought said Alewife. It turned out to be the other end. I was pissed. I went back upstairs and asked the train employee where to connect to the Alewife side of the red line. She showed me. More stairs. Fun!!! I wanted nothing more than 4 shots espresso at this point. I was very tempted to leave this train and walk to another station but knew that would kill me.

I got to the stop and the Starbucks was closed due to renovations. Just made my day that much greater!!! I went to a coffee shop I used to like and got an iced coffee that tasted like shit. It costed me nearly $5 so I drank it, but only about half of it. I didn’t want to get sick. I wrote in my journal about my day so far and what I hoped to talk to my therapist about. When it got close to appointment time, I used the bathroom and then packed up my stuff to go.

Therapy went okay. We talked about my mother being a bitch the past few days. He asked if I could move out and I said not unless rent suddenly became wicked cheap. He was curious to know where I lived so pulled up my address and Google had my house. Haha so weird. He said I was in the middle of nowhere. I said there were two bus lines I was near and one went to the Square where I connect to see you. He found that explanatory. Then I told him about my sodium levels. He told me about some antipsychotics that could be for mood disorders and I said those aren’t really being used solely for mood stabilizers. I then listed what I knew and the story of Tegretol and Trileptal, how they came to be. I also gave a story about how I told a resident how come they didn’t show in a tox screen, though I don’t remember which was qual and which was quant. I just knew just because you were on Trileptal, you weren’t going to get a level unless you ordered it as a sendout test.

So I decided to go to the place I wanted to order Chinese food rather than have it delivered. I was still grumpy. My mother called and I let it go to voicemail. I didn’t want to talk to her, or to anyone really. Just let me listen to my music and leave me the fuck alone. So the bus finally came. I got to the stop where the food place was and they were closed. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????? I had to wait for another bus home. The bus driver was an asshole. He didn’t lower the bus so I could get on. I tripped and had to start again. Then after I waved my pass he didn’t wait till I was seated. I wear a fucking AFO brace. But I guess that doesn’t mean anything to anyone!! I am going to report him.

So past two days I have been getting UPS notification that a delivery is coming my way but I don’t recall ordering anything that had a UPS delivery. I was very perplexed. I come home finally, my belly growling, pissed off, with two packages for me. One was SE Hinton’s book that I ordered. The other was from Wiley. Odd. I don’t remember ordering a book from them. I get to my room. Open the package and it is this:

A little background. Someone 2-3 years ago were searching specifically for a citation that John Sommers-Flannagan had written and I wrote about in one of my papers on my blog. I made mention when I found out Dr. John was on Twitter. We have been in touch off and on. He post maybe 2 years ago he was looking for people to edit his coming book on counseling. I responding saying that I don’t have a professional degree but I have plenty of lived experience. He took a chance and I DM’d him my private email. He sent me a chapter and I read it/edit and gave my thoughts on it, etc. Then maybe a year ago he sent an email about acknowledgements. I wrote back to him with just my name as I didn’t have any credentials. (still no clue where the National Institute of Education came from). Today I got the book and it totally made my day!!! I am so fricken happy. I ordered my Chinese food while sending pics every where and to everyone! So that is how I got in the book.