Day 11 of Covid

Day 11 of Covid

It has been more than 24hrs since I ran a fever so I think I am out of the quarantine now. I am feeling so damn tired and the docs can’t do anything for me as the time for antibody treatment has passed. I need to give my shot today of testosterone. It will be at the increased dose. I am kind of nervous about it. I plan on giving it to myself after I write this blog.

I don’t think I am going to be looking at my blog stats anymore. The numbers have been terrible lately. It seems on days I write have better numbers than on days I don’t. Maybe now that I am not so sick from Covid I will write more. It is just hard because I sometimes don’t have the clarity to write.

Monday I had therapy and I told her about my eating problems. She took it as a control thing. I am supposed to eat something every day until I see her again. That is going to be hard to do but maybe not as I am out of quarantine now and can leave the house. I still want to go to Starbucks and have a latte. I also want a sandwich. I might have UberEats deliver me one. I don’t know if I will be strong enough to walk. I need to go to the pharmacy and pick up my meds. I am kind of nervous about it because coming back home always makes me short of breath. It is a nice day out so maybe it won’t be so bad walking.

I need to wash my clothes that have covid on them, including my masks. I don’t know if I will be able to do it today as I am awfully tired. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and it took me forever to get back to sleep. I realized last night that I lost my sense of smell. I still have my sense of taste so I am glad about that. I just can’t smell anymore. I hope it comes back. I wanted to get my vaccine but they are saying that I need to wait a month for it to happen. Fuck. That sucks.

I pre-ordered Taylor Swift’s new version of Fearless and even though it said I purchased it, it still won’t download on my phone. I have to talk with Amazon about it but I can’t be bothered right now. So I am just listening on the amazon app. I don’t know when I am going to talk to the people at Amazon to find out why my music isn’t downloading properly. But least I can listen to her music. It makes me feel in a good mood when I listen to her music.

I got a new baseball history book that I plan on reading sometime today. I can’t wait. I have never been so excited to read a history book before. I hope that it has what I am looking for or I will just write my own the way I want it.

I’ve been down since July…

I’ve been down since July…

Been listening to the song Evermore by Taylor Swift. It is a song that I can relate to. It means so much to me. I am home alone and listening via my Bluetooth headset. I had two cups of coffee today and I am not feeling hungry at all despite just having the belVita biscuits with the coffee. I am trying to keep track of my bladder function by recording the times I void in an excel sheet on my phone. I just added cath to my med app so I know what time I am supposed to go by. I just drank a bunch of Gatorade so I am hoping to go soon. I am supposed to go every 4-6 hours, more if I drink a lot or have coffee. I have been sticking with the six hour mark rather than four because otherwise I would be cathing instead of voiding on my own. I just don’t get the urge till around really the 5 hour mark. This is all because of the nerve damage caused by the tethered cord that I had and needed surgery for a year ago.

It was a nice day yesterday. I drank my coffee on the back porch. I want to put a chair out there so I can go and sit on the porch and just be outside for a bit. I have to buy the chair. A plastic one so it can be easily washed and not have to worry about the weather spoiling it. Just will have to worry on windy days because it could get blown off the porch!

I had therapy Monday. It ended with me being annoyed. We were talking about my deconditioned body and she wants me to talk to my PT about what I can do about it. Basically it means more PT for me and she said I could have a year of it to regain my strength back. I think she is right. The idea of going back to PT doesn’t appeal to me but I know that I have to do it if I want the short of breath and tiredness to go away. Then I got depressed and we talked about that and how frustrated I am by the managing chronic pain book that I bought. As we ended she said not to work on it until our next session when we can do it together.

I need to shave and shower. I have PT this afternoon. I am not sure if I will be going because my bowels seem to be unpredictable right now. I might have a virtual appointment with her. I need to go out as it has been a week since I last left the house. I had my T shot today in my left nerve damaged thigh. I am kind of hurting but it isn’t too bad. My ankle is hurting me more than my thigh. Having the shot in my thigh always worries me. I need to walk it off and I will today when I go out for my appointment. It is going to be another nice day today, though cooler than it was yesterday.

Last night I was pretty depressed and suicidal. I don’t really know why. I just got overwhelmed with being sad and just wanted to die. I was listening to the song Exile by Taylor Swift. The lyrics were so powerful. I kept wondering why I am still alive. I want to be dead so bad yet the people around me keep me here and I resent them. I really wish I could live some where else so I can be away from my toxic family. I know being around my mother is not good for my mental health but I have no where else to go. I don’t earn enough money to pay rent somewhere. I can’t work. Just sucks and I will always have suicide as an option.

a good review

A review

I got this review that I found on my Amazon site the other day. It was written two years ago. Amazon doesn’t notify you when someone leaves a review. But I am happy this person left it. I sent it to my former therapist and she loved it. I sent the review to my cousin and now he wants a copy of the book, signed. I got to order more as I am running low on my copies. I think I gave away my last one. I plan on mailing it out today. It is really nice out.

I had therapy yesterday. It went ok I guess. She doesn’t think going back to school is a good idea. She gave a good example of how therapy is more than just an hour session and so is a class. You need to do the work so now I am thinking of how to do the work outside of our sessions. It bothers me that I can’t go back to college. I really would like my bachelor’s degree from UMass/Boston. I am not sure how I will pay for it but the idea that I just can’t go kills me. I know the stress will not be good for me. It is why I had to quit in 2008. I suffered a psychotic breakdown and I never recovered from it.

I am so fricken tired. I took a two hour nap and I am still fricken tired. I have no energy for anything. Wed is going to be a long day. I have an 8am appointment. I plan on shaving and showering today. I really need to wash my hair as it is very itchy.

I finally am registered for the vaccine and have an appointment Thursday. It is at the convention center in Boston. It is going to be a bit of a walk for me. I think I am going to get off at the T stop rather than walk from Copley. It is going to be 70 degrees out that day so that will be so good. I love going to the Back Bay area. I used to go to college around the corner from there.

I woke up this morning with my shoulders, neck, and ankle hurting me. I had to take a breakthrough med. I didn’t want to so early in the day but I was in so much pain. My PT is not going to be happy about this. I also took some Zanaflex to help relax the muscles. I hate that it gives me dry mouth. I have the lozenges for dry mouth. It helps a lot.

My phone is acting up today for some reason. Apps are closing while using them and I keep getting messages for other apps that something is wrong and it need to close. I’ve restarted the phone several times. There is an update that I just checked. I am installing it now so I hope that helps this issue. I also updated the PRL profile. OK, updates have been installed and I still cannot open the wordpress app. Fuck. I hope I don’t have to do a uninstall/reinstall. There is no update for the app. I don’t know what happened to my phone overnight. I really don’t want to get a new phone. I do need to take a line off my phone because I am not using it. I got to go to the store and have it removed because I tried with a chat and they are so dumb they didn’t know what I was talking about.

I don’t know what to say

I don’t know what to say

Been a hard few days for me with pain and depression. I had therapy Wednesday and it was a disaster. I became suicidal after we went over some negative thoughts and then we both became frustrated. I told her I didn’t want to be in the hosp. She wanted me to join a group of some sort. I called the chronic pain support and they have a long waiting list so I won’t be able to go to that for a while. I got the impression she doesn’t know how to support me when I am suicidal. Yesterday I wrote her a message telling her about the suicide response plan and safety planning by Brown and Stanley. I don’t care which one we use but I think it is important to use one of them. I told her I prefer the suicide response plan because it is what Jobes uses for CAMS. I told her what CAMS was and how I find benefit from it but there are no CAMS trained therapists in Boston.

I got really upset and thought she didn’t want to work with me anymore because she said that she was tired of this cycle we get in when I get suicidal. She wants me to check the facts about this. I was sure she didn’t want to work with me anymore because I was too suicidal. I still feel like I might need another therapist but I know finding one now is going to be impossible because of the pandemic and because of my history.

Last night I had a runny nose and was sneezing my head off. I felt lousy. I still feel like I am coming down with a cold so I am trying to limit my exposure to my mother in case I am sick. I need to shower and shave my head. I got my haircut Wed. I didn’t have it all nice when I was talking to my therapist though. I had rinse out the hairs and it was messy. I didn’t care. I haven’t showered all week. I am trying to get enough energy to do it. I just feel so tired and don’t want to do anything. I really need to go to the grocery store to get more Gatorade. I have just six bottles right now. That is not going to be enough for the month, or even a week.

Yesterday I had PT and my deltoid is sore today. It feels bruised but there is no bruise mark on it. She did a lot of work on my arms yesterday. I got more stretches for my neck. I am glad because my neck has been such a pain. I need to put heat on it. Only thing is my family keeps moving my heat wrap on me so when I am in the kitchen, it isn’t there for me to throw in the microwave. It is the only way I can put heat on. PT also gave me some tennis balls for my back and hamstring. I have to rig something to have it between my shoulder blades. She said that I can use scotch tape but I think the balls will be too heavy for it. Will try it and see. Otherwise I will have to think of something else. Maybe a sock or something.

I got a letter from my pcp yesterday. He is leaving to go to the CDC. His last day is April 1st. This really sucks because I really liked him. He was a good doctor. I am going to miss him. I see him Monday for a follow up. It will be our last. Really sucks.