Groceries and more groceries
I had my groceries delivered today. I ordered a lot of Gatorade and Powerade to last me for the month. Every month my mother asks me why I buy so much and I tell her it is my monthly supply. I brought up all the bags except for my cereal. I totally forgot they were there until I came home from the pharmacy and saw them there. There are like ~7 bags left to bring up to my room. I have been doing it by myself, which is taking me some time because I have to take breaks. My arm is so damn sore but it is a good sore not a bad one.
I sent my therapist a message last night about how I was suicidal but I was too tired to kill myself. I said I was pathetic. She responded and said that I wasn’t pathetic. I need to address the pain. I asked how and she said by talking about it and using coping skills. I hate coping skills. It is just this broad umbrella of things. It is like saying you need a screwdriver for the screw you want to tighten but you have so many damn screwdrivers you don’t know which one to use. It is really frustrating. And when you are already upset and looking for something to soothe you, you want something right now that will work not something that will frustrate you more.
I ordered my glasses and will file a claim with my insurance company so I can get reimbursed. Hope it isn’t a hassle. I have not done this before. They should be shipping out soon. I just hope the frames fit me. I ordered a small so we’ll see. Friday I need to start the process of changing my bedding because I spilled Gatorade on my blanket and sheets last night. I grabbed the bottle a little too tightly and it spilled. Most of it got on me so I had to change my shirt.
I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder because of lifting all the bottles of Gatorade and Powerade I bought. I don’t think I can lift the remaining bags tonight. I still haven’t changed back into my PJs from when I left for the pharmacy. I might keep on the thermal socks. It is supposed to snow tonight. I hope all the snowing happens tonight and not in the morning. We aren’t supposed to get that much, only an inch or so but walking in it can be yucky. I rescheduled my appointment with my PT for tomorrow morning. I hope I sleep tonight or getting up is going to be difficult. I also scheduled an appointment with OT for January. I thought it was for pelvic floor but it is for cathing. It is with the same OT I saw last year.
I think I am going to have to double dose the Miralax as the new meds are really constipating me. And because I mostly stand when I cath, I am not using the same muscles to poop. I was able to crap a little today but it wasn’t enough. My stomach feels so awful.
I have three updates and need to restart my laptop. I just installed Win 11. It is okay so far. All my programs seem to be running okay. Tomorrow in between appointments I will be going to see a locksmith about getting some keys made for the screen door that was just put on. It is an odd shaped key so I hope they can do it. I don’t know who else will be able to do it.
Not sleeping due to pain
Yesterday I was in bed all day sleeping. I was expecting to wake up around 1am feeling ready to go but the only thing ready to go this time around was my bladder. My arm was sore but after I woke up and used the bathroom it felt better. I didn’t stay awake too long. I just looked at my messages and then went back to sleep. I woke up again around 4 in mega pain this time. My arm and shoulder were hurting so bad. I sat up to try and alleviate some of the pain. I didn’t want to take anything because usually moving it helps to ease the pain. I did take some ibuprofen. I was hungry but I didn’t want to go downstairs to make something to eat. I thought about making coffee but it was really early. Pain settled down enough so I laid back down and slept for another hour or two until my med alarm went off. I shut it off but I didn’t take my meds. I just rested till around 10 when I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I used the bathroom and then made coffee.
I was hungry but I didn’t know what I wanted to make. It was either cheesy scrambled eggs or a bacon sandwich. I took my meds and thoughts it over. I decided to make bacon as that would require less movement. I also made another cup of coffee.
I had therapy today and was all over the place with talking about my BFF’s situation and how I felt about it and losing my second mother. I was more emotional as I talked about it. I almost started crying. My arm was throbbing as I finished my third cup of coffee. I told her my Thanksgiving plans and how much I was looking forward to the turkey and cranberry sauce. It is my favorite holiday. She asked what self-care I planned on using during this time. I said I would shower more and color. I told her I have been reading more than coloring. I also was writing to get things out. I told her I had support on Twitter which has developed over the past six months or so.
I told my mother I would make dinner tonight but after my shower my arm flared up big time and I am in agony. I told her I couldn’t cook. Now I don’t know what I am going to have for dinner. I might have a bowl of cereal. I bought Oreo cereal and it is pretty good. It is all I ate yesterday. One bowl of cereal for the entire day. It is all I wanted to eat. I haven’t been having more than one meal a day for the past couple of weeks. I am just not hungry. But today I will be having two meals as the cereal will be my second meal of the day. I might have cookies to top it off.
The past few months have been weird as my therapist has noticed that I am more future thinking than I was in the past. I attribute this to losing hopelessness. I don’t know when it happened. I started feeling less suicidal and wanting to move forward with my transition. It is unusual for me to think of future thinking such as having top surgery and doing what is required to get it done. I feel like I lost some of my suicidality. I just don’t see things as dark or dire anymore. I have noticed that my CRPS pain isn’t at the high levels it once was and maybe, because the chronic pain isn’t so bad, I have become more hopeful about the future.
It is a strange feeling to go from complete hopelessness to being hopeful in a few months. The depression seems more manageable than it was and so the psychache that I feel isn’t as great. I have gone from feeling suicidal on a daily basis to really only when my pain levels are at a 10 or above. The feelings of not being able to escape have gone away as well. For the first time in my life I feel I have a future. I want to lose weight so I can lose the things on my chest. I can picture myself doing this where it seemed impossible before. I can’t attribute this to one thing because I think it is a combination of things. One is the alliance of my therapist and psychiatrist, possible medication has eased the depression symptoms enough that I can see beyond the horizon and not feel like I am drowning so much. Also better pain control and accepting my physical dysfunctions are now a part of my life that is not going to go away anytime soon. I also think that having a community on social media has helped during the dark times because just when I am at my lowest there are people saying that I matter and that they are glad I am still here. Words like that help when you feel like scum of the earth for no reason or when the pain is so bad all you can think about is death.
I also think music has helped to ease the troubles I have faced. For months now, I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s albums, new and old. Her evermore and folklore songs have brought meaning to me as well as the extra songs in her Fearless (Taylor’s Version) album. To identify with lyrics is powerful and meaningful. The songs help to heal the traumas I have been through as well as heal from past relationships and deal with current ones. In her 1989 album, I found a song that I can relate to my current therapist with that helped to deal with our rocky relationship. This therapist has helped me to see things differently and also to come to the realization that I have serious depression. It is something that I always knew but never spoke aloud before. Working through the severity of the depression has been difficult. I think I have come to terms with it and thus the hopelessness it has given me doesn’t seem to strangle me like it once did.
A rest day that wasn’t restful
I had a shitty night of sleep. I kept waking up like every two hours with my shoulder hurting me, all because I checked to see if we needed juice. I had reached into the fridge with my sore arm and then lifted the gallon of juice. A bad idea as I was rewarded with pain in my shoulder that would continue all night. Around 0200 I got up and started writing and that helped. I went back to bed around 0400 and stayed asleep until 7. My baby sister’s birthday is today and she needed a wingman to help her with errands today so I got up around 8. I had my coffee and half a bagel. We then went into town for my sister to do her things. On the way home we stopped at the pharmacy so I could pick up my new blood pressure medicine. I asked questions about it as I don’t know much about it. It could make you drowsy so I was being aware if I was any more tired than I already was. I had tried to nap several times today but couldn’t.
I ordered my groceries last night as my mother needed somethings. They were an hour late so they waived the delivery fee. I then had anxiety bringing up all the groceries by myself. There is still four gallons of water in the front hallway that I am too tired to bring up. My sister said she will bring it up after work. I had to bring up the water with one arm as I couldn’t carry a gallon with my bad arm. It was a long process with many trips up and down the stairs. I got hot and sweaty and tired. I had to have a cup of coffee to try and stay awake for my sister’s party and for dinner. My sister is making raviolis.
All I wanted to do today was rest and I didn’t. I got a huge anxiety attack despite going up and down the stairs. I think it was because I was carrying something heavy and trying to keep my balance on the stairs. I also knew that I would be the one to do it all by myself and that overwhelmed me. My mother is coming around to the idea of getting a bubbler of water for the house so we don’t buy water anymore. It probably will be cheaper in the long run to have delivery service. The only question is where to put it.
My right knee still hurts from the fall. I meant to have my pcp take a look at it but I forgot. Maybe I can get the ortho doc to look at it when I see him Mon. I think it is just bruised as it only hurts when I kneel on it. I need to take a shower as I am really sweaty and feel icky from it. I also need to shave my head. I have decided I am going to grow my beard out for the month.
I had asked my therapist if I did the work on the hopelessness paper if she wanted to see it. She said yes. Fuck. Now I got to work on it. I am getting there as I have been thinking of what to write. I just hope I can pick up where I left off. That is always a hard thing to do.