a busy past few days

A busy past few days

I have a busy week with a lot of appointments. I had two today, back to back. Tomorrow I see my pcp to discuss my cardiac markers and a BP med. I am hoping she listens to me and puts me back on labetalol rather than another med. But if she isn’t open to it, then I will go on what she suggests.

I saw my TG doc today. She had a fellow interview me first. Things went well. The fellow tried to get me a 5mL vial of T but the pharmacy just filled a 1mL vial. I have enough T to last me the next few injections. She also referred me to plastic surgery so I could get a top surgery consult started. I am glad because my pcp never responded to my request from last week. The fellow also answered my concern about whether T had caused the dislocation in my shoulder. It didn’t. I am glad. She did say that because I had removal of my ovaries, I have to be concerned about my bone health. But I am still young enough that I don’t have to go for a bone scan. The only bone scan I want to do is on my shin to see if the CRPS has spread to it. I have been having severe pain for no reason and it is worrying me.

After my TG appointment, I had the chronic pain group, which had already started. I was about fifteen minutes late but they accepted me anyways. We had a good chat about families not getting our disabilities and I told them how rough it was living with my sister who triggers my PTSD often. I also came out to them as transgender and they didn’t seem to care, which I was glad about. We also talked about how our families don’t believe our pain and disability. It was a good group. I did talk about how my therapy session went and got support around it. There maybe future discussions about CBT.

I had therapy yesterday and we talked about my ED visit went. I told her I was freaking out over my lab results, thinking I was having a heart attack. Tomorrow when I see my pcp I am going to discuss what the lab values mean as having this marker in the blood indicates some kind of cardiac injury. I also asked my therapist if we could role play a bit about me asking for the blood pressure medication that I want so that I don’t get turned down. I didn’t want to come off as obstinate but I really think this med will be better as I have been on it before and had little to no side effects from it. We talked for more than a few minutes about it and I wrote down how to approach my pcp on this issue. I just hope I remember.

We then talked about how I feel we are divided and not on the same page about things. That is when she said to me “take the reins”. I was like what? She repeated what she said, adding that I was in charge. I was flustered. I couldn’t believe what she had said so I got my journal that has the notes to the bCBT book and shared with her what a structured session looks like. It had listed “agenda” and then went on to list other things. I asked the author of the book what is meant by this and he gave me a more descriptive outline of what the session looks like. I think there should have been an “:” to indicate this. So I went to my blog for the crisis response plan (Suicide Crisis Response Plan – midnightdemons7). This needs to be reviewed. In it, it said that if I get specific I should contact my therapist or psychiatrist. I should ask them if this is right or if I should just go to the psych ED. My therapist might not be available but I will bring it up with her when I meet with her next as that is when we will start with the new sessions I guess. She agreed to allow a new skill to be introduced and to practice it while in session. I think this is going to work out now as this seems more collaborative than what it was in the past where I spent the time just talking or not talking during session. I asked her if she was more DBT oriented or CBT. She said she was CBT so that will help a lot during the next few weeks. I am glad this is happening because I really felt like we were going on different directions. It just seemed like we would talk about stuff and then she would ask what is helpful but never follow up on what was helpful during the week or if I had practiced or done what was helpful. Mostly that meant me reading this manual for discussion. I felt like I was alone in reading it but it not going anywhere. I also felt like it was pointless to read if I couldn’t share what I was reading.

I have a busy week. Tomorrow I see my pcp and that is going to take a lot of energy. I wanted to get my hair trimmed but my barber had a death in the family. I contacted him today and he said his sister died. Her breast cancer had come back and it wasn’t a good prognosis. I am surprised she last this long. It was more than a year since she was diagnosed with this. I set up an appointment with him for Sat. Fri I plan on making his favorite dish, chili cornbread. I just have to get the ingredients. I will Thurs after my session with my psychiatrist. I will also ask him if I can contact him in an emergency as we have never discuss this before. There wasn’t really a need to as I really haven’t been in crisis since he became my psychopharmacologist.

By Sunday, I am just going to rest as I will need it. I don’t know when I will be able to read. I got hit with a flare up and couldn’t finish this blog yesterday. The flare was so bad that the bones in my foot and leg were aching very deeply and intensely. The pain in my leg is higher than it was and I fear that the CRPS is spreading. I want to contact my neuro and see if I can get a bone scan to see if it is CRPS or something else. I don’t think an X-ray will show anything as It only hurts when my ankle or foot is flared up and when I am resting on my bed. It doesn’t hurt when I put weight on it or walk on it. It is a very unusual type of pain when it comes on. I am feeling better because I got some sleep. I woke up around 0030 and had something to eat as I was hungry. I had honey nut cheerios. I emptied my bladder because it had been more than five hours since I last emptied it. I probably will have to go again as I drank the milk in the cereal and had some water afterwards. It’s 0130 now and I am not so tired. I might read the book for a bit until I am tired and can get back to sleep. My pain has finally settled down.

Why Do I Need Therapy?

Why do I Need Therapy?

I woke up from oblivion and asked myself, why do I need therapy? I think I am doing it more out of obligation than for help. Sure, it’s nice to talk to someone every week. I just don’t know if I should continue or not. I know that I will feel a certain kind of loneliness without therapy. I have been doing this for fifteen years now. I still wonder if me paying her to talk is worth it. I feel really worthless and guilty for some reason. My head is foggy from the medication and I need to take my psych meds before I go loopy again. Withdrawal from oxcarbazepine is not pleasant as I found out on Wednesday.

Sure, therapy has helped me with things and stuff but do I need it? Can I stop therapy and be okay. I have my blog to write my feelings down and vent. Course, it is not the same as venting to someone on the phone or in person. Lately, we have been trying to work on self-care. I have never done that before. I have taken “mental health” days off work, more than I should have. I just couldn’t handle it and my therapist kept pushing me to take some time off of work. But then I was working 50-60 hours a week. I miss being well enough to work that many hours. In the end I was working either 20-32 hours and I was a 40 hour employee. I had to use my earned time to get 40 hours. Within weeks, my bank of time ran out and so did my job. I was deemed disabled and unable to do my job by some committee that I have no idea who was involved in. And I certainly wasn’t invited to share my experience with these people. But there went my job that I have been working in for 14 years. My psychiatrist thinks that there is no way I can work a job anymore with my back situation. That was kind of reassuring for me. And my therapist thinks the same way..

I know mentally I have been up and down and all around. My therapist knew that I was going to oblivion tonight and though she was concerned, didn’t really try to stop me. She didn’t like what I was doing, but she knew I needed an escape. I slept really hard, a good seven hours straight. Now I am foggy as hell and kind of hungry. I don’t know if I should have the yummy red velvet pop tarts or Oreo’s thin golden cookies. I am a sucker for sugar cookies.

I knew my oblivion was not going to be permanent and my therapist knew that. I have texted her what I was doing all weekend. I deleted the messages on my phone in case I really didn’t wake up or tried to go to the bathroom and fell down the stairs. That was my only fear. The password on my phone is easy. It’s my niece’s birthday and my sister knows this. She knows because I told her when my niece wanted to use my phone for games. Unfortunately, I have had to delete the games because my phone is out of fucking memory. I have 16 GB and it’s all used up. I had to also delete the FB app because it was taking up a good chunk of memory. I use my web browser on my phone to check FB now.

I feel like I am obligated to be in therapy because I owe my therapist money. Though, if you think about it, the more I see her, the more I have to pay. Thing is, I don’t think I am being “analyzed” when we talk. I know things are harder on the phone than in person. I get that. But shouldn’t my words be scrutinized? I am just thinking out loud here, throwing my thoughts on this computer screen. Sure, we talked about Hyde and the dealings he is making and we talk about my suicidality but really don’t have a plan. We just go by my word that I won’t kill myself. I am not saying I need a new therapist. I am just wondering if I truly need to talk to someone every week.

I am not saying that I am stable enough to be without therapy. I just wonder if I am just wasting her time and my own by talking. She gets that I have been injured by father’s narcissism and we try to work through that, course it goes in one ear and out the other sometimes. I just can’t retain what she says because it hits me a certain way and I can’t deal with it at that moment. I do a lot of self-reflection after therapy so I write down what we talked about and such. I had started to keep a notebook of what we talked about but this week I didn’t keep notes because of my damn narcissistic father. All we talked about was his medical needs and how stupid he is about understanding what is going on at times. Sometimes he gets things and sometimes he is out to lunch. I don’t understand why I have to tell her the details of my father’s dilemma. It just takes up so much of our time that we don’t talk about anything else.

I feel like the only reason I keep going is because I am obligated some how to talk to her. I don’t know why I feel like this. It’s like I have to humor her to stay in therapy. We talk more like we are friends than a professional relationship. I am not saying this is wrong or anything. Sometimes I like this and other times I feel like we are doing something wrong. Lately we have been talking about self-care, something we have never really talked about in the whole 15 years we have been talking. My taking the Neurontin was part of self-care because I really needed sleep and to zone out. It might have been in excess but the dose that I took I knew it wasn’t lethal. If I had taken say my trileptal at that dose, it might have been a different story.

Quote of the Day 13 Nov 2015

The explanation of suicide in humankind is the same as the explanation of the suicide of any particular human. Suicidology, the study of human suicide, and a psychological autopsy of a particular case are identical in their goals: to nibble at the puzzle of human self-destruction. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Quote of the Day 26 Oct 2015

We can empathize with every person who has died by suicide and yet we should seek to thwart every suicidal plan that has not yet been consummated. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache