discouraged and fatigued

I have serious mental illness that disrupts my thoughts and shifts my mood to hopelessness and suicidal in an instant. I lose motivation to do things. Just getting out of the house is hard. 2 this condition is flat out driving me insane.

I asked my physio what are the goals of therapy and she laid it out for me and stressed I need to be doing the home exercises to regain what I have lost. It is stressing me out that going to my appts and then having to rest the day after or two is not working. I’m still in pain. She wants me to go to some functional program. But it takes full commitment, 2 or 3 days of being there 8-2pm. I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Some days I can’t get out of bed because I’ve been up all night in pain. Monday’s are worse because I have to walk to my therapist’s office. I just don’t know what to do. I just want to lay around the house and go to Starbucks and write. But pain is limiting me to even do that. I’m not adequately controlled with my pain so how the hell can I do these exercises if I hurt. Just fed up and want to quit everything.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My PT emailed me with goals and wanting me to go to a functional program at a different SRH location. My depression makes doing anything hard. Pain compounds this. I haven’t been doing much with the home exercises because I am exhausted after going to an appt the day before or even going to PT appt. PT is saying I need to commit to the therapy to regain function (haven’t had function in my ankle for 17 yrs mind you) and decrease fatigue in my foot/ankle. I’m starting to feel like a failure but I am not getting adequate pain control and I don’t know if I ever will. Just making breakfast today and taking out the trash hurt me. Making the squash killed me. Going up and down stairs hurts every single day and I do that a lot. Add the PT and it will overflow me. I feel like I am drowning. I am out of the house at least 3 times a week. I just can’t keep up. I move I hurt. I don’t move I hurt. How can I win?

If I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I am just going to end it. Why bother?

Low key Saturday

I still had the same pain I’ve been feeling all week. I didn’t have anything to do but go to Walgreens to get my meds fills, and even that I didn’t want to do.

A few weeks ago, I was reading an article about how fish oil combined with an anti depressant helped to ease depressive symptoms. I tried to find the highest dose of EPA and DHA but couldn’t. So I just got a high dose of fish oil. It came a few days ago. I took one that day and was going to take it everyday but forgot. I remembered this morning so took it. It is a huge pill. Thankfully it doesn’t have any fishy aftertaste. I’ll put it in my med box for the week when I fill it tomorrow.

I had cereal for breakfast and then I made coffee. I was going to finish it then go to the store but decided to take it with me. I just put on a pair of sweatpants, grabbed my mug, and left. It was warm out so I was glad I didn’t wear a jacket. A lot people came to get flu shots. I waited for them to fill my meds and then walked home. My ankle was feeling like a rod was going through it. I’ve had so many different types of pain this week. I haven’t done any of my PT exercises. I just don’t want to make the pain worse.

My cousin with bipolar disorder invited me to have dinner at his house. Pain in the ass has called me 3 times today to confirm. He woke me from my nap. I thought he wanted me to come early so when I was a little more awake, I called him back. No, 1830-1900 is still on. WTF. He wasn’t even home the ass. I hope it goes well. I just worry about getting to his apartment as he is on the 3rd floor. That is a lot of stairs. I’ll probably take a shower when I come home as he is a heavy smoker.

I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I might make a zucchini bread as I bought zucchini. I also want to make a pumpkin bread. I just haven’t had the energy to make it. A friend of mine gave me the recipe. Maybe if I feel up to it, I’ll make both.

Hopeless and thinking of the end game

I’ve been in a rotten mood all day. I’ve been sleeping in 3 hour increments, the first one happening at 3 am. I was in pain and just did not want to move. I also didn’t want to take my pain meds. I’m just sick of taking them, actually, I’m sick of taking all meds today. I didn’t take my morning meds. I shut the alarm off and then fell back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later. 

My mother called around 1pm and I thought it was an alarm going off. By the time I realized it was my phone ringing, it was too late to answer. She called because she wanted me to open the door for the therapist. I was pissed. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had to pee so I got up. My ankle felt like it was being crushed. That further caused my mood to go south. I carefully went downstairs and used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth. Then went downstairs to open the door. I didn’t feel like eating or anything so went back to my room. I got pissed off again because my bowels decided it needed to be emptied not even 10 minuted back to my room. Fuck. Went back sownstairs again. I decided to make something to eat. My mother was making beef stew but it wasn’t ready. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. 

Went back to my room and I just wanted to die. My mood was so low. I felt like I was under the blackest clouds. No light was ever going to shine through. I thought about texting my therapist but didn’t. What was he going to do? I really thought of ending it somehow some way. I decided to make a cup of tea and have a pop tart. 

Went back downstairs. My mother was in the kitchen and the therapist had left. I asked my mother if she wanted tea and she did. I made a cup for her as well. In had the pop tart. My ankle was in rough shape and I felt so angry to be in pain for the third day in a row, the same type of pain. After I finished the pop tart, I went up stairs again to drink my tea. 

I sat on my bed. I didn’t turn on any lights. I read Twitter and Facebook. When I finished my tea, I tried to nap. I kept thinking of what would happen to my nieces and nephew should I die. I am so depressed I can’t even think of a date to end my misery. I can’t be bothered with planning my own death. My mother called me to say the stew was done. I didn’t want any. She said she was hungry, so I told her to eat. 

I wish I wasn’t around anymore. I just can’t deal with pain and no one (other than my support group) helping me to deal with my pain. I am back in the pit of despair. And this time I am so far deep that I can’t even think of how or when to end my life. How sad is that?

Emotional rollercoaster Sunday

well, let me tell you a little about my day. I wake up and text my bro in law who has promised to replace my ceiling fan for going on 3 weeks now. He says he can’t (after telling me he could last night) because he has to decorate his tree and then do snow removal. Okay. Another weekend of having a potential fire hazard but who am I to judge. I am mad because I go to his apartment for some English muffins as ours I had to throw away because of mold, and he is sitting on his rump, tree isn’t decorated and the snow isn’t removed. I was fumed.

I then watch a goofy sentimental video on twitter that brings dust to my eyes. I am overcome in emotion. I then decide to use the old laptop for some computer work. I plug in the stupid cord, foot goes berserk. I had enough and it’s only 3 o’clock. Now I am really crying as I know there is no controlling this pain like it has been going on the past 3 weeks or more. ūüė•

I went downstairs to have dinner before BPD chat. As I was walking toward the 1st fucking step, my damn foot explodes, again. I couldn’t bear weight. The cane was upstairs with my walking boot and my sister and her daughter’s were out. I started crying again. I sat on the stairs. My mother is telling me to sit on the couch and I yelled at her because I could walk the 5 steps to the couch. I just sat on the stairs, drinking the iced tea I made, wishing it was alcoholic. I was waiting for my phone to go off telling me it was time to take my pain meds, but I never set it. Took me more than a few minutes to collect myself and the pain to calm down enough for me to climb up the stairs.

Then I decided to join BPD chat. I was getting heated over someone who thought you can’t approach someone without training. Like what the fuck. I am not a professional but I always say I am available to talk to someone if they need an ear. I don’t have “training”, just compassion and empathy, which is all you really need. I was so fucking mad. 

Then I tried copying and pasting what I wrote on FB to a word doc and half of it goes through. So I’m now using my phone to write my blog as my new laptop sucks. Pain meds are kicking in and my damn mother has turned up the fucking heat again to heat stroke conditions. I turned on the fire hazard fan. Don’t fucking care anymore. I still need to fill my med box for the week. Dont know if it is worth standing for 15 mins or so. I’ll put tonight’s meds in a bottle and put it by the bed so I don’t have to get up again.

I’m emailing my psychiatrist and telling her I’m going to take 25 mg of Zoloft as my emotions are all over the fucking place. I have been really angry or just cry for no reason. I know there are reasons for it but since coming off the med, I cannot tolerate being so emotional all the fucking time. I have enough med to last me till June, I think, if my stomach can tolerate it. I’ll try to eat something with my meds to counteract the nausea but not sure that will work as it didn’t while I was in the hospital. 

I feel like yelling at my mother to turn down the fucking heat. I truly hate not being able to get around my own house, on my own two feet. It is making me really depressed. As I was sitting on the stairs, I was thinking maybe between my mother’s insurance and mine, we could get a stair climber thing. Only thing is, I’m not sure our walls are strong enough for the placement of the trolley. Plus our stairs aren’t straight down like you see in the commercial. It has a few curves.

One of my high school friends posted on Facebook about maple syrup. Think tomorrow I’ll make oatmeal pancakes. I love maple syrup but it is too expensive for me. Maybe my next grocery order I’ll splurge and get it. I did find out it can spoil so needs to be kept in the fridge. 


I was pushing for 0200 to go to sleep but i had to pee and then brush my teeth as my mouth felt yucky.  I haven’t brushed in two days so i really needed to get rid of the yuck.

Pain has been keeping me up. Started with my metatarsals and then moved up to my ankle bones. I took extra meds and 1200 mg of neurontin. It hurt so bad, not as bad as it was last week. I figure I would write as sleep isn’t coming just yet. I am really tired. I’ve been playing with my phone. Making grocery lists for tomorrow, making a coping plan on one of the apps I downloaded. Dr. Jobes is supposed to come out with a mobile app. I can’t wait.

I’ve been fighting the suicidal urges. I can’t help it as I feel so rotten and hopeless. Pain is really bringing me down. I’ve posted my distress on Twitter but no one has said anything. 

I printed put the RMV forms for name change and stuff. I don’t need a letter from my doc to give to them. I do need to being some bank statements and stuff to prove who I am. Which reminds me, I nees to call the cable company to change my name. I hope I can do it online. To change everything on my license will be about $75, I think. 

I still need to call HR at my work place to find put when I will be getting an updated insurance card. I just need the one for prescriptions so i can change it at the pharmacy. So many things needing changing.

Dammit, my bone pain in my foot is back. I’m not going to sleep tonight. Ao much for wanting to do one errand later today. Maybe I will in the late afternoon. 

I am ordering some stuff from Amazon. I saw a body pillow that converts into a nice back pillow and arm rest so you can read. It is $60. Hope it is worth it. I’ll get it next week, hopefully. My online grocery order keeps going up and down. I order stuff then take it off. I really want to make a spinach, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich or burrito. I still haven’t made a burrito since I’ve been home from the hospital. I jist have been in too much pain to cook.

Painsomnia is the worst. My foot feels so awful right now and i can’t take anymore meds. I am going to try and sleep now and see if I will be successful. Wish me luck!