Category Archives: mental illness

Bad flare ruined my day

I had another bad pain night. I had to leave the house early 1) to avoid the high heat and 2) to get my scripts. When my med alarm went off, I wanted to throw my phone. I honestly didn’t want to get up. I used the bathroom after taking my meds and brushed my teeth. I didn’t feel like shaving my head so went to the kitchen. I asked my mother if she needed anything mailed or bought while I was out. She said no.

I got dressed and then went back to the kitchen to grab my cup. Soon as I got to the stairs, my mother called me back asking me to mail something. Really?? By the time I got my bag squared and my sneakers on, I missed the fricken bus. It had pulled up when I was about 20 feet away. I wasn’t going to run. I knew another one was coming and it did.

I listened to my music. I got to Starbucks and ordered my espresso and a sandwich. I then wanted something sweet so got a cookie. Wrote in my journal for a bit and then went into town. The trains were running okay. I got my scripts and I checked it before leaving. I also got some water as I was really thirsty. The heat had climbed up.

I decided to get my tickets to see my friend south of Boston. So I went further into Boston. The machine I usually get my tickets wasn’t accepting cash so had to go to the desk. There wasn’t a line. I showed my disability pass and got the tickets. I had to show my pass in order to get the half fare.

Went back to the trains and was about to get on an elevator when an older woman stopped me. She wanted to know where the train to New York was. I told her not here and told her where to go. I don’t think she understood. The place is confusing with all the different turnstiles and entrances/exits. I got on the elevator and went on my way. By the time I got back to the Square, I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I went to the pharmacy and filled my meds.

I got home and it was really hot in the house. I was hungry but too hot to eat anything right then. I went to my room to cool off. When I felt better, I went to the kitchen and finished off the Mexican food from yesterday. It was so good.

Went back to my room. I stayed on my bed trying to decide what to do. I was wicked tired and wanted a nap. I played with my phone and relaxed on my bed. Holy fucking hell. Next minute my ankle just explodes. I am crying with severe pain. I didn’t even move my foot/ankle!! That was the weird part!! I was half lying down so had to remain still before attempting to move. Pain wasn’t resolving so I risked moving to take a breakthrough med. I was paralyzed in pain. I really wanted to nap but had no idea how I was going to move my body to my right side to sleep. I moved my leg and turned my body without more pain. Then my mother called asking me if I wanted raviolis for dinner. Fucking A. Seriously?? My phone was blowing up but I didn’t check it. It was either the T or Twitter and I needed a nap. Thankfully I slept for about an hour and a half when my mother called again. I didn’t answer it. I couldn’t move. I was in pain all over. Just breathing hurt.

The pain continued and still hasn’t let up. It is around a 10. Tomorrow will have to be shit day as I haven’t shit in a few days. I’ll be taking laxatives and fiber pills until I go. Just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. Hope I can sleep tonight. Sox won their 8th game in a row. It was a good distraction until I stood up to turn the radio off. Now I’m in hell.

When they say you aren’t alone but you really are…

Past few months I’ve planned my ending. Now the time has come and it all comes down to me as to whether I go through with it. Sure, I unexpectedly got my pain meds that I waited 9 months for. But I am still in pain. Meds aren’t touching flares or making them bearable.

My lower body hurts. Legs feel like cement some days and because my legs are usually bent on the bed, they don’t want to stretch when I stand. And it hurts so much trying to walk just to go downstairs to use the bathroom. Sometimes walking helps but I got to walk hunched over because being fully erect is too much pain. It just isn’t comfortable.

Foot is going berserk. So fucking tired of being on pain. Half my foot from third toe down my ankle joint outward is being ripped apart or cut open. It wants to be separated. I hate this feeling and nothing helps me. I am so fucking annoyed!! Flares have a mind of their own. This one started with my pinkie and got worse from there. Midnight has struck. I want to fucking sleep. Chloral hydrate?

I feel like I should email my dark thoughts to my psychiatrist to let her know what is going on. I don’t know if she will respond, if she will tell me to go to the hospital (not an option and I will fight it), or she will want to see me ASAP. My therapist is on vacation. He doesn’t have a clue.

See, here is the thing. I’ve been chronically suicidal for years. I spent the last few months of 1994 in the hospital. I had one attempt in the beginning of November and I didn’t get out until mid January. Basically, I had to cover up my feelings to get out. I was close to being committed to a state hospital at the age of 19. I didn’t care because my depression made me feel so worthless that nothing was going to keep me here. But eventually by stuffing the darkness, I was let out to go to college. I earned my degree, found a stable job that I didn’t go to school for. And then tried to back to earn my bachelor’s degree only to suffer a psychotic episode that I never recovered from until months later on the right meds.

All that time, my suicidality fluctuated. I had a serious depressive episode in 2005. Things sort of got better in 2006. Two years later was the psychotic episode and I had to quit college. 4 years later I had a condition known as complex regional pain syndrome and that threw me on the disability table. Now I feel my life is over and I have a plan on ending it soon. I planned it back in March. I really was going to end it June 30th. But things happen and I push it back. Then pushed it back again. Now I am on the cusp and I don’t know what to do.

People always say you aren’t alone, but the truth is, when you are an attempt survivor, you are. You know what to say to get in and out of hospitals and what to say to avoid them. But the thoughts remain. They still circle your brain. And when you are in severe pain, you want to end it now. But patience is needed. I can’t end it on my bed for a family member to find me. I have a location in mind. I am scared of myself and omg what if I do die. If I succeed. Failure has happened and prevented me from attempting again. Now I am wanting to try again. I have no idea if I will succeed.

No one wants to hear me out. Soon as I say I want to end my life, people panic. They get angry. They tell you stuff that makes you feel guilty. And then you think why bother. Just go on suffering for THEM. So they don’t feel the pain you go through every single day. I’ve been doing this for years. My previous therapist prevented so many dates that could have been attempts. Sometimes I was hospitalized. Sometimes I just had more contact with her and or my psychiatrist.

I wish I could say I gave a fuck. But I am tired of hurting so damn much in the midnight hours of hell. When the midnight demons come out in me. I am a dark person. I pretend to be happy, to get along with everyone. That is what is expected of me. It hurts me to see others hurt. I’ve always been an emotionally sensitive person.

I have no idea if what the hell I am writing makes sense. I had to get the thoughts out of my head. It is going to be a flip of the coin the day of my doom. Imagine that. A coin having the power to live or die. I am pathetic.

Painsomnia and Midnight Demon Friday 22 June 18

I had started a blog on my laptop to publish yesterday but my brain kept getting foggy and couldn’t focus. I knew if I forced myself to write, it would come out crappy.

Now it is after 2 am. I can’t sleep. Midnight Demon is out. Has been since 10 but had no writing urges. I’m just writing now because I felt like it. I feel suicidal. Been planning for months and now it is almost time. I’m wondering where the weeks went. I haven’t done much other than look over my will. My pension is still wherever it is with my employer. I have emailed my psych that my death is inevitable. I asked her to let me go.

Pain has been decreased by 50% since my new longer acting pain med was started last week. But it does nothing for flares. I am not in a flare. Just pain that is left over from the meds. It doesn’t take all the pain away. Nothing will do that. But this pain is what is keeping me up. That and the thoughts of ending my life. It is like a monkey on my back. It goes away for a while and then comes back full force.

It is a familiar feeling. A part of me knows it will pass. Another parts truly believes this will be the end. I am tired of fighting this. I had made my decision 3 months ago. Now the 3 months is almost up. I extended the date due to circumstances beyond my control. Next week I will check out the location. I hope it will be suitable. I am still afraid I won’t go through with it. My psych might intervene. I don’t know if I will end up back in the hospital. I told her it was useless.

My hope level has been fluctuating a lot. My friend reminded me I’ve been in rough patches before and got through them. I didn’t tell her this was it. I feel so stupid. One of the suicidologists I know that is the president of AAS did a study on the effects of a suicide. In the study she found that >132 people are affected. If that holds true, I will have ~400 or more. And that just includes my online/high school/ co workers friends. Doesn’t include my humungous family.

I feel guilty about this. Today she posted saying that it was a reminder to suicidal persons as they often feel no one care or that no one will miss them. Makes me mad. I don’t want to cause pain to others yet why should I go on in torment of my CRPS and depression? I feel it is a guilt trip. A huge one at that. I stuff those feelings when I am deeply suicidal. Then when it lowers or I look at the people I love, I wonder how could I do this to them? I am in agony over this. It is truly hurting me. Call it ambilvalence. Call it selfishness (please don’t as that is NOT what it is but i don’t know another word). I just am so conflicted as to what to do. I can’t stuff them. I want to die. I need to die. My time is coming. Question is, to be or not to be.

Feeling shitty and can’t sleep

It is almost 2330. I had a burger later and then got sleepy. I’ve been trying to sleep for an hour but my damn foot keeps acting up. Bottom of my foot has this pressure pain. I am getting zaps in the side of my foot near my toes. My metatarsals are being ripped apart.

Then my brain is working none stop. For some reason, the source (evil demon from Charmed) keeps popping in my head. I will be talking to someone and then their eyes change to black and they want to envelope me. I don’t get it. I don’t usually have nightmares, not since I was a kid.

Pain is driving up my suicidality. I have been thinking about canceling my therapy appt for Monday. But I want to see him. I got 3 appts this week. I was going to have 4 but I am going to cancel my eye appt. I’ll just reschedule it. I have been trying to do the exercises my PT gave me but they are different than the ones we did when I saw her. I can do the one for my right foot but my ankle is too angry to try to do. I have no idea if having my knees up and doing one exercise is going to upset my foot/ankle. It was alright with the AFO on but I don’t wear it around the house. The. There is one exercise that sounds more like part of my notes than an exercise. Have no idea what that is about.

I think I am going to go back to regular pillows and not use the body pillow I have. It is annoying me. I also need to change my sheets but I have accumulated a bunch of shit on my bed that will take a few days to get off. I started clearing off some stuff. I have a gazillion pharmacy papers from my meds. I tried using the privacy stamp on it but it didn’t work. So it is back to the “to be shredded” pile, which is overflowing at this point.

Last night I was in a suicidal mood and sent my psychiatrist an email about things running through my head. I was expecting a phone call today but nothing and no reply. I forgot she was on vacation last week so that was why she didn’t read the article and blog I sent her. I really wanted her to read the article. But because she didn’t, I couldn’t talk to her about what was on my mind. She said she will get to it. I hope so.

Foot is hurting really bad. I took the breakthrough med a little while ago. I think a placebo would have worked better. I also took some more fiber pills. I went a little bit today but that was all. I am expecting a colon blow. But it just feels stuck. I feel really uncomfortable. Usually one will work and I am taking 3 different things. I don’t think the senna works for me anymore. I hope i go tomorrow.

Tired of pain taking away things I love

Yesterday, I had a bad flare. I tried writing but after around 100 words, I was exhausted and couldn’t continue. I had therapy yesterday and for some reason my legs were really sore so walking was difficult. I thought it would get better as the day went on and I did my things but it only wore me out with each step I took.

I was in agony most of the night. I didn’t get to sleep till 4am. I kind of lost track of time as I was trying to find a tea kettle. I had made a cup of tea and the kettle we have is all rusted on the bottom, making things taste different. I told my mother and she refused to change the kettle and there is no way of getting the rust out.

I made coffee using spring water and saucepan. Coffee came out perfect. Then we had a t storm and I got a migraine with severe nausea. I still feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t think I was going to write today as I really am tired. I don’t know if my writing means anything to anyone. I’ve just been writing for me, because I like doing it. But after yesterday, it was the first time in over a year and a half that I didn’t write. I thought I might be able to write later but then it was after midnight so I just posted the pic of the pup. I might do that on days I am not up to writing more than a paragraph.

My writing means a lot to me. I have been pushing through tough days because I didn’t want to give in to chronic pain. Yesterday was the worst in a very long time. I usually am able to write how bad things are and yesterday, words just couldn’t come to me. I kept staring at the screen cursor wondering what to write next. My head just was filled with blankness.

Today was a little better. I slept most of the day, despite my med alarm going off to remind me to take my pain meds. It is really hot in my room though the temps have cooled off. I want to open the window but I still haven’t put in the screen. Maybe I will have my bro in law put in the AC and the screen. It kind of early but at least when it is humid, I can cool my room down. I cannot tolerate heat. As hot as it is in my room I have to keep my sheet covering my foot because the ceiling fan air hurts me.

If you are a daily reader, please like or comment if you can. I’d like to get an idea of who is reading. My stats aren’t really a good indication. Thanks and I am sorry for not posting yesterday.