Category Archives: mental illness

Guess who…

I was able to shave and shower this morning. I had a ton of time before I had to leave. I took my time getting ready. I guess the bus I needed to take to the Square was delayed as the other bus came. I decided to take it rather than wait. I figured in doing so, I would have time to write when I got to Starbucks. I had to stop at the post office and it was busy. Goodbye writing time. The postal clerk didn’t even look where I was sending the cards to, just said I had enough postage and I went on my way. If they come back to me. I am gonna be pissed.

I got to Starbucks and ordered a sandwich, espresso, and lemon loaf. The sandwich had sausage but it didn’t taste right. I ate half and then dived into the lemon loaf. It was very lemony. I loved it. I just hope when I try to make it tomorrow, I can get the right consistency for the frosting.

After I ate and played on my phone. It was time for the train. I put another 5 bucks on my temporary ticket as my pass didn’t come over the weekend. When I got to my stop, the bus wasn’t coming for another 20 minutes or so. I decided to walk. My mother needed something at Walgreens so I went in to get it. There was a line for checkout. I waited and then left to walk to my therapist’s office. I got halfway there and needed to rest. I checked the time and had 10 minutes before my appt. I rested another minute and then went.

I showed my therapist what I wrote for the pain doc. He said it was perfect. I just hope the fellow and attending see the damn paper and read it. Then we talked about my anxieties that is going on for the week. Told him about how upset my mother made me yesterday. How she can’t accept me other than what she holds in her mind of me. Told him how my family has a pedophile they refuse to acknowledge as one. Then time was up.

I walked back to the station. I had less than 5 bucks on the card. When I got back to the Square and got on the bus home, I noticed it didn’t allow no payment for transfers. That was why I had to put so much damn money on this fucking temporary ticket. It was charging me the reduced fare on every bus and train I took. Fucker.

My legs were killing me by the time I got home. I’ll probably be sore tomorrow. My mother made dinner and after eating we both didn’t want to get up. We both hurt. I cleared the counter for her then went up to my room. Mail had came and my pass was in it. Weird they had my name change as the address but not on the fucking card! Ugh!!! Card doesn’t expire until 2023. Least now I can buy my monthly pass and not have to pay per fare.

I had some stuff from Amazon come in. A friend had sent me some eczema cream. It is a lower amount of colloidal something that I have so hope it will work on the patch under my eye. I stopped at my sister’s to talk for a while. We griped about our mother being ridiculous. I didn’t tell her that she laughed at me yesterday. I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her I’d be starting T Wed.

Hope I don’t flare tonight. Last night was horrid. I didn’t sleep till 330 am. Seems every time I got comfortable my foot or ankle or both acted up. I am really tired after all the walking I did. It is cold tonight so might have to put on the fleece blanket. I took it off my bed the other night because I was looking for something. I was working in an app on my phone when I accidentally disconnected my SD card. When I went to take it out, it went flying. Damn sucker was in the pillow case on my bed. I thought it was in the void in my room and I’m glad it wasn’t. I’d have to tear my room apart trying to find it. Luckily, I found the SIMM card on my bag for goodwill. Totally freaked me out. But all is right now. Wish the makers of Samsung would use a toggle rather than a pin thing to get the card out. Stupid design.

Ah, what is a little psychosis and a lot of anger

**may contain errors as I am on my phone**

My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.

Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.

I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.

The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.

More gas to the flames.

I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.

I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.

Still emotional, thanks gender dysphoria

My pcp is still a dickhead. I asked him if he would fill my female hormones and his nurse said sure what is it. I answered now I have to see the repro endo doc. He doesn’t want to do it. Fucking asshole. I’m still a wreck from yesterday and hate, absolutely HATE having to still take these hormones because my Testosterone therapy got pushed back because of him. Almost a year now he has been dicking me around, one thing after another. I am so sick of it. Am I supposed to just see him for cough and colds? It is looking that way. I don’t need a referral for my insurance so if I want to see a specialist, I am just going to. No point in seeing him first. Just a waste of time I could use to make an appt with the specialist.

Saw the pain program doc today. He is okay. Can’t comment more as all he did was repeat my medical history and type really fast. He wants me to continue to see my pain doc and I told him I might not as he is reluctant to increase my meds to give me some quality of life. How I am supposed to work in this program with horrendous pain, I have no clue. I also need to get a PT eval for my thigh as the program PT is 2 months away. I can’t wait that long. I am going to email my current PT and see what she says but I don’t think I can see two PTs at once. So fucking frustrating.

I had to make a pit stop to the Square because the bus that would take me home was longer than the bus to the square. I don’t care, though my sprain ankle is hurting. I didn’t wear the brace because I didn’t want to be bothered taking off two braces. I’m wearing 2 different sneaks and don’t fucking care.

I had a snickers latte today because I need it goddamn it!! Also had something to eat because of the emotional stuff. I feel better now. I need some protein bars. Getting irrational when I don’t eat is getting more frequent. Hope my diabetes test comes back within normal limits. My psych ordered it but I haven’t had a chance to get it drawn yet. Might get it done tomorrow if I am not up at the crack of dawn. My therapist is back from vaca. I see him tomorrow and I can’t wait. Got a lot to talk about.

My mother needed some things today so as I am out, I got to get them for her. I am going by that way so no big deal. I will get some protein bars with her cash as I am broke until tomorrow.

When i see my psych next i am going to ask her if i can go back to the LGBT clinic for T therapy. I just hope i don’t have to start the whole process over. It will send me over the fucking edge.

CRPS Unpredictability

About 45 minutes ago, I have no idea what I did. I was in my normal fetal position with my feet on top of one another. I moved my bad CRPS foot into the curve of my good ankle and it felt like I was trying to snap it in half. I cried. I screamed OW. No one would hear me. My mother was knocked out. I tried to remain still but that just made the pain worse. I had to sit up and take a BT med. Carefully I maneuvered my feet so I could turn to sit up. Pain was all over my ankle and foot. I didn’t want to live anymore. What would be the point? More pain?

I posted on social media that I wanted to blog but I couldn’t find the words. All I could think to say was I am in pain. I posted why can’t I end it? Why? A few friends responded. I got a phone call from my cousin in Texas. I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk. I can’t talk when I am like this. My mind is in the gutter and no one understands. No one gets this pain because they don’t feel it every day like I do.

I posted to my CRPS group. Some of them get it. Some have been where I am. Rain is the only thing stopping me from ending it right now. I don’t care. I am reserving some emergency cash for when I feel like this again and the weather is better. Maybe i won’t go through with it.

I got a lot going on the next few weeks. Don’t know how but I’ve booked an appt nearly every day the last week in August. That is going to kill me and I’ll have to cancel some of those appts.

The thing that bothers me is that aside from doing a few dishes and showering, that is all I did today. I’ve rested most of the day. So why the fuck am I in pain now?? I had put on a sock on the offending limb because it got cold. Now it is hot. I am scared that taking it off is going to cause me more pain. But the sock is irritating me so needs to come off. Fucker

Bad flare ruined my day

I had another bad pain night. I had to leave the house early 1) to avoid the high heat and 2) to get my scripts. When my med alarm went off, I wanted to throw my phone. I honestly didn’t want to get up. I used the bathroom after taking my meds and brushed my teeth. I didn’t feel like shaving my head so went to the kitchen. I asked my mother if she needed anything mailed or bought while I was out. She said no.

I got dressed and then went back to the kitchen to grab my cup. Soon as I got to the stairs, my mother called me back asking me to mail something. Really?? By the time I got my bag squared and my sneakers on, I missed the fricken bus. It had pulled up when I was about 20 feet away. I wasn’t going to run. I knew another one was coming and it did.

I listened to my music. I got to Starbucks and ordered my espresso and a sandwich. I then wanted something sweet so got a cookie. Wrote in my journal for a bit and then went into town. The trains were running okay. I got my scripts and I checked it before leaving. I also got some water as I was really thirsty. The heat had climbed up.

I decided to get my tickets to see my friend south of Boston. So I went further into Boston. The machine I usually get my tickets wasn’t accepting cash so had to go to the desk. There wasn’t a line. I showed my disability pass and got the tickets. I had to show my pass in order to get the half fare.

Went back to the trains and was about to get on an elevator when an older woman stopped me. She wanted to know where the train to New York was. I told her not here and told her where to go. I don’t think she understood. The place is confusing with all the different turnstiles and entrances/exits. I got on the elevator and went on my way. By the time I got back to the Square, I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I went to the pharmacy and filled my meds.

I got home and it was really hot in the house. I was hungry but too hot to eat anything right then. I went to my room to cool off. When I felt better, I went to the kitchen and finished off the Mexican food from yesterday. It was so good.

Went back to my room. I stayed on my bed trying to decide what to do. I was wicked tired and wanted a nap. I played with my phone and relaxed on my bed. Holy fucking hell. Next minute my ankle just explodes. I am crying with severe pain. I didn’t even move my foot/ankle!! That was the weird part!! I was half lying down so had to remain still before attempting to move. Pain wasn’t resolving so I risked moving to take a breakthrough med. I was paralyzed in pain. I really wanted to nap but had no idea how I was going to move my body to my right side to sleep. I moved my leg and turned my body without more pain. Then my mother called asking me if I wanted raviolis for dinner. Fucking A. Seriously?? My phone was blowing up but I didn’t check it. It was either the T or Twitter and I needed a nap. Thankfully I slept for about an hour and a half when my mother called again. I didn’t answer it. I couldn’t move. I was in pain all over. Just breathing hurt.

The pain continued and still hasn’t let up. It is around a 10. Tomorrow will have to be shit day as I haven’t shit in a few days. I’ll be taking laxatives and fiber pills until I go. Just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. Hope I can sleep tonight. Sox won their 8th game in a row. It was a good distraction until I stood up to turn the radio off. Now I’m in hell.