Category: physical pain

In a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, physical pain

Trigger warning SA

My CRPS pain is a 10/10 right now. I can’t do anything and sleeping is far from happening. I wrote in my journal. I recorded how I am in my 3rd day of headaches/migraines. I just took another triptan for it. I got to refill the prescription. The CRPS is out of remission and I am so depressed about it. I don’t know what can be done about it. Nothing but taking pain meds around the clock worked before.

My lower back along the spine hurts. And my left calf hurts. That has been bothering me all fucking day. It made therapy difficult because I couldn’t get comfortable. I talked about difficult things in therapy. My therapist said I have been through a lot and that i was resilient. I hate that word. I don’t know why. Maybe because it is overused with people who have trauma. The stuff about those college boys that raped that girl has stirred up my own memories of what I’ve been through. There was a statistic saying that 99% of men are rapists. I was raped by the 1%. It happened more than 20 years ago. But the incident left me feeling like I shouldn’t be with someone. I have remained single all this time. I have not been in a relationship and don’t really care to be. I felt kind of lonely tonight. I wanted to cuddle with the pup but her mom came home just as I was going down the stairs.

I took plenty of meds for my pain. Tonight was take anything and everything kind of night. It’s been about 2 hours and my pain is a little less than it was before but I am still hurting. I am listening to music to distract myself. This station i created plays all types of songs, from 80s to now. It’s awesome. The most played group is Matchbox 20. I love them. I got to get their newest album. They have a song called Hang and it is really touching.

I’ve felt suicidal tonight. I so wanted to OD and end it all. I have so much school work to do. I am starting to get overwhelmed. I need to stay away from these thoughts. It is so hard though. It is my go to place. I have thought of OD’g around the time I see my pcp but I have a quiz in my gender class that day. I am so crunched. I can’t be doing stupid shit.

Letting go of a blankie

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, PTSD, recurrent major depressive disorder, suicidality

In keeping with what I wrote yesterday about suicide and future planning, I tweeted this gem “As someone with lived experience, it is hard to let go of the familiar pain. It can be comforting sometimes because it is all we know. Changing or letting go of the pain can be painful in itself. It’s like letting go of a blankie. Hope this makes sense.”

I’ve had horrible insomnia today. I woke up at 1 am and could not go back to sleep. I was able to rest for about an hour. I’ve been keeping my bladder on a 3 hour schedule so I am not overfull and the urge to go isn’t horrible. It has made cathing easier. Because I was up so early, I decided to get my blood drawn for my Testosterone level. It just came back as 294 so I think my doc will be pleased. I have to tell her to give me two vials at a time because one vial just doesn’t work for the dose I need. I used my last refill today.

I made more appts with my PT today. She doesn’t have time next week to see me so I am off a week. I hope she dry needles me tomorrow in my back because today they were flaring big time. I was so miserable as my ankle has been in a flare for more than 24 hours now. I’ve been taking zanaflex around the clock to try and keep the spasms at bay but it might as well be a sugar pill I am taking for all the good it is doing.

I’ve been wicked thirsty today. It is hot and muggy. I had my Starbucks 4 shots espresso with soy milk. It was so good. That has been the only caffeine I have had today. I need to shower but I have no energy. I also need to brush my teeth. I meant to call the dentist today but I never did. Need to find out why I am having jaw pain.

I see a new neurologist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous. Hope she can help figure out the shin pain I’ve been having. Hope it isn’t a CRPS spread. That is what I am worried about as the area is swollen. Just hope she doesn’t want to change pain meds on me. I will be taking an Uber there as I don’t want to expend my energy too much as I have PT in the afternoon. Around noon I am getting my haircut. Got to keep the side and back buzzed at all times.

Guest Podcast

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, PTSD

I am featured today on the PTSD and Beyond Podcast for PTSD awareness month. Here is the link

https://ptsdandbeyond.podbean.com/e/episode-69-share-my-story-with-g/

A tiring Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I managed to shower today but I was not able to trim my beard. My back has been bad today. I also been wicked tired. I still haven’t been sleeping through the night. I keep waking up because I have to use the bathroom. By the time I finish my business, I am awake and find it hard to get back to sleep, even with a dose of ativan on board. Then when I do go back to sleep, I feel sluggish and tired.

Today I had a wicked bad headache/migraine. Nothing has helped the headache and as tired as I am, I haven’t been able to sleep at all. I tried two times to take a nap and failed. I hope I can sleep tonight.

The thing that is driving me nuts is the urge to pee isn’t there throughout the day yet in the middle of the night it wakes me from a sound sleep. It is so frustrating because I have to use a timer or my med app to remind myself it has been x amount of hours and I need to cath. I’ve been doing that all day. I’m hoping that I can sleep at least six hours straight so I can function.

Tomorrow the physical therapist will be coming. I think I have like 2 more visits with her and then they will stop coming. I got to make sure I am up and awake. She called today to see if I am still MRSA precautions and I told her I was because I haven’t had the third test done to make sure I am negative. I got to talk to my pcp about this. I am hoping he can do the testing to make sure I am not MRSA anymore.

God I am so damn tired. I am going to stop here as I am drifting off. Until next time…