Sunday Blog 12092021

Sunday Blog 12092021

I’ve had a lazy day today. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and struggled getting back to sleep. I woke back up around 5 but for some reason I didn’t get up. I just turned over and went back to sleep. I got up at seven to have coffee and drain my bladder. I have been on a four hour schedule and it has been going pretty well so far. I have been drinking a lot because I want my veins to be good for tomorrow’s MRI. I have been having abdominal pain all day despite being good on emptying my bladder. I used a hot pack that the hospital gave me post op. It helped a little bit. I have been taking ibuprofen and Tylenol. I don’t want to take the BT med if I don’t have to.

My neighbor had a BBQ and my brother in law brought over some food. I had some pork and a potato that was very good. I love potatoes and this was like a double baked/grilled thing. It was so good. I had made a fluffernutter for dinner so I am glad I had some protein so I won’t be hungry later.

I am still having yellow discharge so I sent a message to my surgeon about it. I don’t know if this is normal or if I still have an infection. I just hope I don’t have to call because I never get anyone on the damn phone. I always get someone’s voicemail. So annoying. I haven’t been wearing boxers, just female underwear and a pad. I hope I don’t have to see the surgeon again after she said see you in four weeks. That will suck. But I don’t want this to turn into something bad either.

I shaved my head and face today. I trimmed the goatee to a stubble and then shaved around it. I also trimmed my mustache because the hairs were making my nose itch. I can forget about a thick mustache. It would be too itchy for me.

I set my alarm for 0700 tomorrow morning so I will be up in time to have coffee and breakfast before my MRI appointment. I am kind of nervous. I have to remember to take with me my meds so that I can lie on the table comfortably. Otherwise I get up and I can’t really move for a few minutes because my back hurts a lot. I just got to remember to bring water with me. I just put the meds in a travel pill box and put it in my bag so I don’t forget. Trick is going to be to remember the water. I always forget it when I leave the house.

I have ten dollars left on my T pass. I will have to put more money on it when I get paid next. Tomorrow should be my last travel day unless I need to go to the square for something. I do need to get cheese for my mother. I might get some burgers, too as I will be at the butchers. Oh and some steak! It will have to be Tuesday when I go because Monday I have therapy after my MRI and I don’t have time to shop. I need to catch the bus home. I think if I time it right, I might have therapy on my front porch. It will be a good day to sit outside some and have some fresh air. No one will bother me as it is pretty quiet.

I can’t believe how much pain I am in right now. I don’t know if it is my bowels or just the surgical area. I haven’t moved my bowels since Friday. I have been taking the Miralax but that isn’t always reliable. I didn’t take it today because I don’t want to be shitting tomorrow at unknown times. I used to be able to go in the morning soon after I wake up but that hasn’t been the case lately. I also don’t know if the pain is because of the discharge or not. I sent a message to my surgeon today to ask about it. I figure if they check the messages first thing in the morning my message will be right there for them to see. I messaged my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back from him so I sent the same message again. I don’t see him till Oct, which really sucks. I am approaching eight weeks that I have been on Pristiq. I haven’t noticed any change with my mood. My pain has been less but that is usually the case after I have surgery. I think I have had only two flares during my recovery so far. Right now my ankle and foot is calm. Pain is like a 2 as it is throbbing just a little bit. But the nerve pain in my thigh has been horrendous. That is still ongoing. I am glad I got an MRI this quickly. I just hope I don’t have to see my neurosurgeon again. That will suck big time. I don’t really want another back surgery.

I took my meds a little while ago. I think taking them might help with the pain a little bit. I just took some BT meds because I am so uncomfortable. I hope the discharge is just leftover from the infection I had and not something new. I really don’t want to be on antibiotics again, especially that flagyl I was taking. It was horrible. I had to take it fast before it melted in my mouth with the bitterness. Yucko.

Red Sox got beat by the White Sox today in the ninth inning. I am so disappointed. We are tied for the wild card. It is our only chance of making it to the post season. We are playing Seattle next. These will be west coast games which means late starting times. I might just have to check the scores in the morning because I am not going to stay up till 2 am listening to the game.

Saturday Blog 07082021

Saturday Blog 07082021

Today is my ex therapist’s and cousin’s birthday. I wished them both a happy day. I have been having a mellow day. I went to the store to pick up my pictures that I had developed. They were of my sister’s wedding and bridal shower. One roll of film didn’t come out great but then it is 16 years old so I am not surprised.

I had my coffee and a bowl of cereal. My mother had to comment about my grumpy face. Well I hadn’t had coffee yet so there. I hate when she comments on my depressed face. She isn’t supportive in it but just kinds of makes fun of me. It annoys me that she does this.

Twitter is filled with racism talk and Covid cases today. It is so depressing and angering. I am going to try and stay off it today because it is just bringing me down. I need to shave today. I might shower even though I showered yesterday. Today is hot and I have been sweaty. I am in the kitchen typing this because I wanted coffee. I need a second cup. I had three yesterday, one around 530p to watch the Sox fall apart in the 5th inning. It was such a lousy game last night. It is hot in the kitchen as it is 88 degrees out. So I am drinking hot coffee in a hot kitchen. I don’t mind drinking hot coffee. I could have made iced coffee but I just don’t feel like it.

Yesterday I ordered groceries. I ordered a bunch of yogurt because I love it. Chobani makes a strawberry cheesecake that is pretty awesome. It is basically strawberry yogurt with graham cracker sprinkles and some candy that tastes like cheesecake. I also bought protein drinks for when I am not hungry.

My sister invited me for lunch for a burger and I couldn’t say no. I love grilled cheeseburgers. I also had some potato salad and coleslaw. I saw my brother in law and he said he would be up to take care of my AC. I am still waiting. It has been more than a month. I hope there is nothing wrong with the new unit because the warranty has expired as it has been more than 30 days that I have had the unit, sitting in a box in my living room.

Next week is going to be a busy week for me. I have three appointments and need to go to the lab to give a urine sample for pre-op. It is to make sure I don’t have an infection. I go for Covid testing the following week. Shit which means that I will have to reschedule my therapy appointment for that day as it is a Monday. Maybe I won’t have therapy the week of surgery. My sister is working that week so I am having a friend pick me up after the procedure. It is day surgery. I should be ok. I just got to make sure everything I need is within reach when I am home. I won’t be able to lift things for 8 weeks so I am not sure how I am going to get my order of Gatorade for the month of August. I might have to order it before surgery to make sure I don’t run out and have plenty on hand. Not sure where I will put it but as long as I have it, that will be the important thing. I do have to keep walking so that the gas they are putting in me has a chance to be absorbed. I never had this before and hope it isn’t too uncomfortable. I am more worried about being sore and not being able to sit up in my bed. I kind of lean forward when I am in my bed than if I am in the kitchen sitting in a chair. That is my biggest concern because I will be in bed most of the time, or at least in my room. If my new AC gets put in my room by then, I hope I can put a folding chair in my room so I can sit in it for a bit rather than just stay on my bed.

I have my last PT session day before surgery. I don’t think I will be needing PT after surgery according to my surgeon so that is good. I just hope there isn’t a draw back like my back surgery where I was so tired that it was hard to move due to the duration of the surgery. This surgery doesn’t have that much blood loss so I should be ok, if all goes well.

a day of business calls

A day of business calls

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up every fricken hour from 1a on. I finally gave up sleeping at 7. I took my meds and then paid my bills. I had enough left over to put some funds in Starbucks and buy a book. I then put my alarm on for 930 so I could see if I could sleep for an hour before I had to get up and ready for getting my haircut. I didn’t sleep. I kept on getting notifications that kept me up. I should have turned off my phone or put the no disturb on so just my alarm would go off. I will have to remember that for next time.

I had my coffee and biscuits. My sister came up for a short time to tell me about my sister in law. She was diagnosed with liver cancer in March and now it has metastasized to her abdomen. She is now in hospice care. Her family is in denial that she is sick which isn’t helping her. Apparently she is so depressed over the news she just isn’t doing much to take care of herself and is in the ICU because she is dehydrated. I feel bad for her. My brother in law is also in denial about her sister’s health. I just feel bad for her son. He is going through so much.

After I had coffee I got dressed and ready for the bus. I had planned on going to Starbucks after the haircut but forgot my bag so I just went to get a drink for me and my barber. On the way back to the barber shop I became short of breath again. I don’t know why as it is all level ground, no inclines or hills. I know this is because of Covid and being deconditioned. My PT said my breathing would be the last to be better. I want to be better now! Dammit.

After I got my haircut, I was again out of breath when I got home. I had to sit in the kitchen for a bit to relax before going up to my room. I had some water and then went up to my room. I changed into my PJs, turned on the AC, checked my phone for more messages and then rested for a couple of hours. I didn’t sleep but the rest did me good. I was finally able to call my insurance and find out why the copays were so high. Turns out my PT place is billing several dates of service under one date so it looks like one visit is costing me $30, $50, or $60 dollars depending on how many visits is processed.  I emailed the billing and asked why wasn’t this reflected in my statement so it doesn’t look like one visit is costing me more than my $15 copay. I am waiting for a response.

I also called uro because I need catheters. I have one box left. The nurse I left a message to called the supply company and they said they would rush the order. I still have to have my provider change the daily catheter number so I can get more catheters to hold me through the month. I sent a message 5 days ago and haven’t heard back so I sent another message asking what the status is.

All this calling made me tired and seeing as I didn’t eat anything, I was also nervous/anxious. I took an Ativan and ordered Chinese food, my favorite dish, Kung Pao chicken. It was so good. They didn’t have the double order like before. I guess you can only order a bowl now, which is sad. I might have to change to another Chinese restaurant to get more Kung Pao rather than more rice. I just didn’t want to place a big order.

I got a response to the message I sent to my therapist the other day. She isn’t happy with me because I sent her “provocative” text messages. I was having a bad pain day yesterday and was texting her about what I was taking. I guess she took it as “provocative” messages. She also said repeatedly that she knows my knowledge of things is great and she said this throughout the session. Funny, I don’t remember her saying that at all. I guess when she said I didn’t go to med school, it threw out whatever else she was saying. I am trying to do what she has asked of me by doing the work outside of therapy like doing the work in the suicidal thoughts workbook. I have been meaning to do it but I am just too tired because I haven’t slept good the past few nights and been in a lot of pain.

I don’t know if I am going to listen to the game tonight. I am feeling awfully tired and I don’t know if the game will cause me to get agitated if there are bad plays. I get involved in my games when I am listening or watching it. I am going to take my night meds early because I want to make sure I go to bed at a decent hour. Last night I was late in taking my meds and it disrupted my sleep. I also bought 3mg of melatonin to take at the suggestion of my psychiatrist. I told him the 5 mg was giving me a hangover the next day. We’ll see if the 3 mg is better.

Letting go of a blankie

In keeping with what I wrote yesterday about suicide and future planning, I tweeted this gem “As someone with lived experience, it is hard to let go of the familiar pain. It can be comforting sometimes because it is all we know. Changing or letting go of the pain can be painful in itself. It’s like letting go of a blankie. Hope this makes sense.”

I’ve had horrible insomnia today. I woke up at 1 am and could not go back to sleep. I was able to rest for about an hour. I’ve been keeping my bladder on a 3 hour schedule so I am not overfull and the urge to go isn’t horrible. It has made cathing easier. Because I was up so early, I decided to get my blood drawn for my Testosterone level. It just came back as 294 so I think my doc will be pleased. I have to tell her to give me two vials at a time because one vial just doesn’t work for the dose I need. I used my last refill today.

I made more appts with my PT today. She doesn’t have time next week to see me so I am off a week. I hope she dry needles me tomorrow in my back because today they were flaring big time. I was so miserable as my ankle has been in a flare for more than 24 hours now. I’ve been taking zanaflex around the clock to try and keep the spasms at bay but it might as well be a sugar pill I am taking for all the good it is doing.

I’ve been wicked thirsty today. It is hot and muggy. I had my Starbucks 4 shots espresso with soy milk. It was so good. That has been the only caffeine I have had today. I need to shower but I have no energy. I also need to brush my teeth. I meant to call the dentist today but I never did. Need to find out why I am having jaw pain.

I see a new neurologist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous. Hope she can help figure out the shin pain I’ve been having. Hope it isn’t a CRPS spread. That is what I am worried about as the area is swollen. Just hope she doesn’t want to change pain meds on me. I will be taking an Uber there as I don’t want to expend my energy too much as I have PT in the afternoon. Around noon I am getting my haircut. Got to keep the side and back buzzed at all times.