Feeling like shit and crap I feel awful

Feeling like shit and crap I feel awful

I have been feeling weak all day. It is awful and there is nothing I can really do about it except fluids and rest. I have been trying to sleep but it hasn’t come. I am too anxious to sleep or sleep because of my med and bathroom schedule. I think once I am out for the night it will be good. I am still on steroids to calm this headache that pops up if I sit for too long. Tomorrow I need to call the surgeon as I have had some sweating on my back around the scar. It doesn’t smell horrible but the damn thing is dry otherwise so I don’t get it. Maybe I am just too hot for my own good, LOL. I just need to hold on for the next 15 hours or so when I can call the office. I don’t want to go to the ER if I don’t have to.

I asked my sister to take a pic of the scar and it looks good. No redness or swelling anywhere so this sweating is a mystery but then it could just be healing. I froze my room so am trying to warm it up again. I had opened the window the other day and had to close it as temp dropped to 39 outside and nearly 60 inside. I was cold and had to put on a long sleeve shirt. Hope that doesn’t contribute to the sweating episodes.

I have been in a weird mental state. I don’t seem depressed or suicidal and I find this somewhat disturbing that suddenly I am “fine”. I just worry about a setback. I sent a message to my therapist about it. Not sure if she read it yet. I haven’t gotten a response. I have a time tomorrow with her in the morning and I hope that I am semi awake. Our appointment last week didn’t go too well as I was out of it from meds. I still might be out of it as I feel so weak. I am trying my best to be with it but it is so damn hard. I just want to sleep but I can’t. so frustrating. I supposed if I took some Ativan or Zanaflex I would be out. Pain hasn’t been that bad today though I can’t seem to sit up straight without muscles tightening on me. The joys of recovering from back surgery. I am glad things went well and I can’t wait to talk to the surgeon about the surgery because I have yet to chat with him since before I was under. I have only seen his residents. This is partly due to the COVID-19 isolation that was going around the hospital so he wasn’t available. I am glad my pain is better but I am not liking the tightening of the muscles. I am glad I have Ativan as I think it works better than Zanaflex at times. But I might be biased. Benzos have always been good muscle relaxers. But the risk of addiction is what keeps them from being in use at times. And they are a hard drug to come off of when you want to stop them or need to stop them. Harder than anything, from what I heard. I hope I never have to find out because just missing a day and I am wicked sick with dizziness. I have been on Ativan for a while and know I have a dependence like you do most medications you take every day. I am sure if I were to stop my blood pressure meds there would be some side effects to that as well. Dependence is not the same as addiction. Addiction you need more of the stuff to achieve the high or whatever feeling you need. Dependence is when you are dependent on a substance through no fault of your own.

I just realized I haven’t done my meds for the week. I have Sunday meds so will do it tomorrow. I had planned a few days in advance just in case I wasn’t up to it. I am glad some planning worked. I have another few days of steroids that I need to fill my box with. I am taking it with Tylenol for pain. That is what they were giving me in the hospital so I am going with it. I will do my meds after my therapy appointment. I hope I am physically able to do it because it would suck to have someone else do it for me. It usually takes me ten minutes to do. We’ll see how long it takes with my back being the way it is. Probably will have to sit and do it not stand like I usually do. Standing has been a nemesis in all of this and I hate it. Just brushing my teeth hurts. I wanted to shower but I didn’t feel up to it. I don’t think I should take one while feeling like I am going to pass out. It might not be the best idea even if it makes me feel a little better. I will do that tomorrow. I need to change clothes anyway because of the sweating. I hope I sleep through the night. It has been a long time since I had a night where I didn’t wake up at 3 in the morning. I keep waking up because stupid bladder needs to be emptied. I am tempted to ask my uro for a foley just so I can sleep. But that might not help with the healing process of my bladder so I won’t call. I am tempted though.

tiring day despite weather being good

Tiring day despite weather being good

It is beautiful out today and my energy levels are crap. I had OT/PT come this morning and that wore me out. Then I had to go to the hospital to drop off a specimen for urine culture. I hope this is just my “new” bladder sensation and I don’t have a UTI. Every time I go cath though it feels like I am popping a balloon so something isn’t right. I hope I am just fatigued due to surgery and not an infection. Everything is shut down so I can’t even get a latte at Starbucks.

I am hurting so this blog is not going to be long. I need to lay down. I again didn’t sleep through the night because I woke up and was confused. I wasn’t in horrible pain and I didn’t know if I had to pee as there was no sensation but something woke me up. Maybe it was a bad dream, I don’t know. I waited a half hour and when nothing else happened, decided to cath and sure enough my bladder was full. I had emptied twice before sleeping so I don’t know why it filled so fast. Guess my kidneys are working pretty good. After I cathed, I decided to have a bowl of cereal as I was hungry. I finished off the box of cereal with a big bowl. I was really hungry because I finished it all. I haven’t been eating so good since coming home. I have to remember to eat or I just won’t because appetite isn’t there. I try to have at least one Ensure a day to make sure my calories are over a 1000. My sister made beets last night and I had them for a late lunch. It was so good. I should have warmed them but they tasted ok cold.

While I was at the hospital I sat down on the bench a little harder than I thought and hurt my back hip. I took some pain meds when I came home as I haven’t had any all day yet. I was doing okay pain wise until that snafu. I want a burger so I might order Five Guys tonight. It has been a long time since I had one from them. I will get a vanilla shake, too. It tastes wonderful. I really love the shakes more than the burgers LOL.

I am almost done with my library book I borrowed. I think I will try and finish it tonight. There are only a few more chapters left. I think it will be the only book I have read this year. I don’t think I have a reading challenge going because my brain has been so wonky with the depression and stress of surgery. Hard to believe March is almost over with. Like where has three months gone?? I heard they are keeping schools closed until May. That really sucks. Hope the kids stay at home and are not abused or neglected because of their parents hands. I am sure it is stressful. My mother embarrassed me today and it sucked. She saw that my ear was red so she had a PT look at it but there was nothing wrong with the fucking thing. It gets red sometimes and I don’t know why. Then she used the wrong pronoun to address me which threw the PT/OT off as they couldn’t believe it. I hate it when she does this shit. Makes me so mad but there is nothing I can do about it. Yelling at her isn’t going to change her mind about anything.

anxiety is building

Anxiety is building

There are just four days until I have surgery. I have made lists of things and plan on filling my med box before I go in as I want to have them filled when I come home as I don’t know what state I will be in. still planning on locking away meds as needed. I just got to find or remember where I put the med box. I still don’t know if I will be seeing my therapist this week. Everything seems to be on hold. I don’t know if I will see my psychopharm either. I haven’t heard anything from her office but I am guessing it is the same. If I have a virtual appointment with one, I am going to cancel the other. I don’t want to expose myself while traveling into Boston.

I just lounged around my room today. I showered and then did my meds so I could take them. I made something to eat, boiled eggs and that was all I had to eat today. I just am not very hungry. I got a phone call from the ride saying they will pick me up around noon so I will have to be ready by then. I have no papers to bring with me. I just have my PCP’s card and I think that is all I will need. I tried getting the fax number from my therapist but she might not be in the office. I just have the cell phone number and hope it will be enough if they need to speak to her. I probably will need to fill out a consent form when I am back in the office.

I got word from my urologist that I don’t have an infection and she wants to have an e-visit with me. I never had one so I told her to tell me what to do. I was expecting to hear back today but doesn’t look like it now. Maybe tomorrow.

Preparing for surgery

Preparing for surgery

Because of the mayhem Coronavirus is causing, I may not see my therapist next week in her office because of trying to limit people’s exposure coming to the hospital. She may work from home which means we will be talking via Skype or something similar to it. She wanted me to come up with things that could help me reduce my anxiety about my surgery. She said to make lists so I started that. I plan on baking and making my burritos this weekend. I think my sister is going to be making chili so I am not sure how much kitchen time I will have. My nephew has been eating my tortillas so now I just have one package left of them to make my burritos. I asked him twice already not to eat them and it was ignored so I really need to make them soon or I may not have tortillas and I can’t buy more as I have no more money until after my surgery, which is when I get paid next.

I had a major flare last night and I didn’t get to sleep until after 1 am. I then woke up around 7 so I took my meds and put my phone in silent mode so I wouldn’t get disturbed. I took a bunch of my night meds this morning to try and deal with the flare so I slept most of the day, which is what I needed. Now I am kind of awake and it sucks because I can’t get back to sleep. I am too nervous about things so decided to write to see if this would calm me down some.

I sent a message to my therapist about the letters and asked her what I was going to do about them. She said to email them to her and I am not sure if she meant via the patient web thing or actual email. I am hoping my surgery doesn’t get rescheduled because I am already going out of my tree as it is. I am not sure if I will be seeing my psychopharm next week which will suck because I need my Ativan refilled. I plan on locking my meds up before surgery so that no one can get to my meds. I will place them in the locked box that I have. It is bigger than the med lock box I got.

I wanted to get my haircut but my barber has been exposed to the virus so I can’t see him right now, not this close to surgery anyways. All the urine tests that I had done this past week have been sort of negative. I have a few bugs in my urine but nothing to indicate that I have infection. I still have not heard from the doctor yet though to confirm I am okay. I don’t know if she wants to treat it or what. I got word from the catheter supply company where I have been trying to get samples that the representative today got the verbal order that I do indeed cath. This representative has been emailing me the past two weeks trying to get the order through. Nice to know that there is some stop gaps before proceeding to verify my information.

Monday I got the appointment with the public transportation Ride service. I just hope I appear to be more disabled than I am so I can get their services on days it will be too tough to take the T, especially with my upcoming surgery. I have no idea what kind of restrictions will be made. I just know I will have to make sure there is money in my account every month do have this service. It costs like 4 bucks each way so 8 bucks total for the round trip ride. It will be nice to get a ride to the library every so often so I can not be hassled with the T buses. It would take me four buses to get there because I cannot walk up the street to where the library is. The one that is in the Square is close for renovations. I am not sure if it has reopened as I haven’t been down that street since the bridge closed. The book that I took out is due next week but because the city is in shutdown mode due to the coronavirus, I had to renew the date so I don’t get charged late fees. I don’t know when I will be able to return it. I am hoping maybe my niece can do it after school as the high school is right there when things are open again. Probably when the virus is gone but who knows when that will be.