you deserve to be treated

You deserve to be treated

Those were the parting words of my therapist today after we talked about how my father said that I gotta die when I am sick. We deduced that he is flawed and not mental as she couldn’t know him. He died four years ago, long before she was my therapist. I know he was narcissistic and a pathological liar. I should have known he was lying but when your 11, you tend to believe your parents and what they say. You really don’t know if they are lying and even if they are, you can’t prove it. You were always told to respect your parents and that is what you did, no matter how wrong it seemed.

We also talked about my suicidality. She brought it up. I was going to but didn’t really want to. She asked what I was going to do if the feelings came up again over the weekend and I said I would cope like I usually do. That was the wrong answer as she shook her head. I don’t know why but apparently calling a hotline is the answer. I don’t think so but whatever. Sometimes it is good to call one but most of the time I just don’t have the patience to wait for someone to connect on the line. Even texting can be a pain as you wait for someone, especially during “peak” hours. Most of the time I get annoyed and then hang up or text cancel or stop. I am usually too agitated to stay on the line.

I had my meeting with my pcp. It went well but I didn’t ask for a pain med increase. It was on my mind but I was too chicken to ask. He asked a few times if there was anything I needed from him but I just couldn’t bring it up. He doesn’t want me to be on the meds to begin with and I find that it hinders my conversation about my meds. But the fact of the matter is I have pain and until that is dealt with on some level, I need to be on the meds that I am on. I can’t just stop taking it because he doesn’t want me on them. He does want me to go to the pain clinic for an evaluation, just to talk. But because of Covid, making an appointment is hard. I don’t know if I would be seen in a timely manner if at all at this point. I know once places reopen it might be better to call and ask for an appointment. Sucks because I got the ride now to take me there. I have it for another few months and then I will have to reapply for assistance. I don’t know if I will get a letter or not. I just need to be aware of the time frame. I only got six months because of my surgery. I don’t know if it will be longer when I reapply.

about pain meds

About pain meds

“It’s ok to be on pain meds. Can we stop acting like not taking pain meds is some sort of moral success? Being in pain doesn’t mean you have an addiction. It’s okay to not want to be in pain. I’d go so far to say that it’s normal.” Lupie Linda

I feel like I don’t deserve pain meds because I’m a bad person. I sometimes feel evil so I feel that I deserve to be in pain. I also feel guilty about taking pain meds because I know there are plenty of chronic pain patients that don’t have access to pain meds anymore. I know I am dependent on my meds and though there maybe times where I take and extra breakthrough med here and there, I am not addicted/ Pain levels dictate how I take my meds. If it’s above a 10 I may take more than when my pain is a 7. Often times I will go about my business and pain levels will go from a 3 to a 12 in a blink of an eye. It’s at these times when pain is a 12, the here and there come into play. I feel bad about taking the extra pain med I need to calm down the level of pain I am in. I know what works, usually. The bad part is my pcp doesn’t want to go up on my BT meds, even though I think it will be beneficial for me. He wants to put me on methadone and I don’t want to be on it. The people I know who take it don’t get relieve of their pain while on it.

I sometimes feel that I shouldn’t complain about my pain to my providers because of the ping pong ball back and forth I get. Almost like pass the buck. Or I get the sorry you’re in pain there is nothing I can do for you. That is the one thing that makes me feel so suicidal. Doc knows I am in pain but can’t do anything for me. So I feel like a) I got to manage anyway I can with what I got and b) have the why bother taking anything at all if it isn’t going to help? I flip through a and b frequently. Usually it’s 3am when I cry uncle and take something for the pain because all the non-narcotic meds haven’t done shit for me.

The downside to trying to play catch up to the pain is I may look “high” as my lil sister has constantly pointed out to me. My eyes appear dilated to her. I will not feel high or drugged out. I won’t even feel good. I usually just feel nothing or “normal”. I hate that she judges me like this. It makes me feel bad and guilty for trying to ease my suicide level pain. I try going without pain meds when I am below a 10 but CRPS pain can change in an instant. The level 6/7 can quickly become a 12 or higher. I use numbers above a 10 beciase chronic pain doesn’t fit neatly into the 1-10 scale. Chron pain scale is 0 to 14+ (see photo of scale). Level 14 is unbearable pain where you cannot function and wish you were dead. My breaking point is usually a 12 though. It will last for hours to days when I am in a flare, especially if the weather is whacky like New England weather can be. I feel it when the barometric pressure goes up and down. I have kept a record of it and usually the barometric pressure of 29.5 to 30+ will increase my pain. I don’t sleep during these flares which only makes the pain worse to cope with. I have found that the higher my sleep deprivation is during these flares, the more likely I am to think of suicide and plan for ending my life. Once my sleep is some what back to normal, the suicidal impulses are lower.

say this not that

here is a link to an important article on suicide

Suicide: Say this, not that

what to say to someone that is suicidal. Please learn it and don’t be a dick.

Agony of Despair

Agony of Despair

I had therapy today. I gave her a letter I wrote the other night when I was in a suicidal frame of mind. She said that my treatment is basically in limbo as I am not sure what the recovery is for after my surgery. There may be a way for me to have a telehealth connection but my insurance doesn’t cover it and she has to fight to get it covered. So I maybe without therapy for a few weeks or more depending the outcome of the surgery. She will be able to see me while I am inpatient but I am not anticipating a long hospital stay. Most I will be in for is a week as they like to kick you out soon as you are stitched up. My recovery is going to be at least through the weekend but again, depends on a lot of factors. What I am thinking may not be accurate but I do know I will be there at least through Sunday, if not Monday. I will need home care and/or rehab services as there is no one to care for me at home so my stay may be longer than Monday.

While we were talking she was joking and then I was joking and then she jumped on me to make sure she was saying was understood by me and I just lost it after that. I broke down and I am still reeling from it. Talk about something stupid setting you off. I didn’t allow many tears to fall but I felt like an elephant had jumped on me after the tears stopped. My chest felt so damn heavy. I told her the psychopharm wanted me to think about ECT and she said no one should be bringing up anything to me right now with the surgery that I am facing. She was looking out for my well being and I appreciated that. She is a really good therapist and I am glad to have her in this point in time. I think I will be able to get some work done but it is going to take some time.

Today is the anniversary of when I first attempted suicide. No one knew and I did a bad job of it but I entered the world of self-harm in the process. The goal was to dig into my arm to sever a vein but I never realized how many layers there are to get to that level. The following night was as traumatic as that night and the following day I entered therapy. It took a lot to get me to open up because my father had instilled in me the “what goes on in the house, stays in the house.” I was too suicidal in the week after the attempt. I just started cutting and it was how I expressed my emotions as I didn’t have words for them. I still don’t. That is what went on today. I felt a jumble of shit and just broke down when I was being hammered by questions. My therapist didn’t allow me to jump ship and if I did she lead me back to where I was. I had an anxiety attack that kicked everything off. We were talking about surgery and the next thing I know I am crying. On the way home I wanted to drink so bad. I was thinking about gin and how drunk I would get but those feelings have passed.

I was telling my therapist about how my blog writing has dwindled and writing in general when she picked up the letter I wrote and said no sir. I guess I have to have some kind of person in mind while writing in order to get the words out because once they start flowing, I can go on. She did say that I started to get into something while I wrote but then I stopped midsentence. I had no idea what she was talking about. I kind of just went with it because I do that so often now that I don’t even notice. I just know I feel some strong emotion and I move onto something else. A friend who was reading my blog the other night commented on it. I had to laugh. He said at least I was aware of it. I am aware but after the fact not during. It is really hard for me to sit. Hell even while having severe anxiety in session I was talking about the Sox and anything else to get over the feelings. I know I compartmentalize a lot. It happens with trauma. I told her to expect a lot of talking about the Sox all season. She wasn’t phased only with me coming to see her to talk about the sox. HA. I talked a lot about baseball in my previous therapies and I will be damned not to talk about it in this one as well.

Thing that is bothering me is that she wants me to write out stuff, either blog, journal, letter writing, etc. but I don’t think she gets how damn difficult it is for me. There have been moments where I cannot write what I am feeling because I am too jumbled or I just cannot find my words. It is like they are there but I can’t “see” them. What is worse is that the Invega is taking away my voices so the inner conversations I always have are lost. Granted if I am feeling high emotions, they are there because they always are. They always have been. I don’t want to become psychotic when I am feeling high emotions because that will be bad and potentially dangerous to me. The voices tend to tell me to end my life when medication isn’t holding them back so if I am in a high state of despair, I may act on what they say.

I am glad the drinking urge has passed and I don’t feel like drinking. I have a quarter of a bottle left and I seriously thought I would finish it off. It wouldn’t take much for me to become drunk or buzzed from alcohol because I don’t drink normally. I might have a glass of wine occasionally but that is all I will have. I don’t usually drink to get drunk but tonight I wanted to. Glad there was a line at Walgreens to distract me from these thoughts/feelings.