great wide open

Great wide open

I did a few errands today and got my haircut. Today is week 60 of my transition so I posted pics on my FB page. I also posted to Twitter for those that aren’t on FB. I then sent the pics to my sisters. My youngest sister said that I looked like my father. I honestly don’t see it. She also said I lost weight. Thirty pounds since April and I still continue to lose. The increase in the Invega dose has increased my appetite some but not to what it was. I do get hungry on some days but I really don’t eat much. A sandwich will be enough to get me through the day. Tomorrow is Turkey day. I will be going over a friend’s house where I know I will stuff my face with turkey and stuffing because it is my favorite meal ever. Actually, turkey and stuffing with cranberry sauce any day of the year is good to me. And mashed potatoes. There used to be this roast beef place that was in front of the hospital where I worked. They sold the best Thanksgiving sandwich. It was amazing. No sandwich has come close to it. I can’t even make it at home. I have tried though. Sometimes I will get the wraps, turkey breast, stuffing, cranberry sauce and roll it all up for a sandwich but it isn’t the same.

Yesterday I had therapy. I don’t see her again for two weeks because she is on vacation. We were talking and I asked in all seriousness, why I should be in therapy. It was a valid question. She had no objection to me not being in therapy though she doesn’t advise to stop as I am suicidal. She wants me to write about why I want to discontinue therapy. I have to think on it. The thing is, since I was 15 I was made to feel that because I was depressed and suicidal, I had to be in therapy. There are millions of people who are depressed and suicidal yet they aren’t in therapy. Some can’t afford it or have insurance for it. I am not saying I don’t have a serious mental illness. I know I do have it. I didn’t have therapy most of this year and have only restarted the last five months as the therapist pointed out. I can’t believe it has been that long but it has been. Time seems to have stopped for me since my psych left. I sent her the transition pics and she is wow’d by the change.

I am not sure why I have to be in therapy. Other than processing old traumas that I have not done doesn’t seem like a good reason for me. I could stay just to process and then move on. I know it won’t help the suicidality much or maybe it will. I don’t know until the trauma is processed. I think the therapist likes me. She didn’t say it yesterday but I just got the sense. I was kind of out of sorts as the voices were not present and I felt so damn alone. I was trying to tell her how alone I felt and she had no clue. It was a tough session. She kept on reading my texts that I sent her. Apparently she can read it from her computer. I don’t know what kind of app that is that does it. I know I was feeling paranoid about her. I kept thinking she was going to laugh at me at any moment. She didn’t but it was a sense so maybe I can’t really judge my senses right now.

Mary Chapin Carpenter is coming out with a new album next year. I don’t know when as she is still in the process of making it. It makes me happy that she will be coming out with new music. Only question will be, will I be around when it does get released.

Protected: set off in so many ways

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This is Lady Antebellum’s new song and I absolutely love it. Their new album is going to be killer. Even their new song “what I’m leaving for” is so good. I don’t know when the album is going to be released. I am trying to hold off buying things so I can get Luke Combs’ new album to as that comes out later this week.

I woke up too late to give my sister her birthday gift. I sent her a text at midnight wishing her a happy birthday. I got her and my sister (who’s birthday is the 15th) the book by Dr. Jen Gunter, the Vagina Bible. I really enjoyed reading this book because it was so informative. I think it was the last book I finished. I started reading the 6th Harry Potter book and I am half way through. If I spend at least a half a day or two half days I could finish it. I am going to take it with me when I see the neurologist on Tues. It is a long train ride so I hope I can read some of it.

The therapist texted me today after I sent her a meme. She said we needed a time this week and I told her that might not be possible as Tues and Wed are out for me. Traveling to my neuro takes a lot out of me. I really wasn’t planning on seeing her this week anyways. I have an appointment Thursday with my pcp and having three appointments in a week just tires me out. The neuro appointment alone is going to wear me out because it’s more than 45 mins away from me. The pcp appointment is late afternoon. I am thinking about staying if I can ditch the urge to go home right after the appointment. There is a transmen meeting that night that I would like to go to. I just emailed the coordinators to see if there is one this week. I last contacted them back in May. I haven’t gone to the meetings because I have been too scared to go by myself. Meeting new people is so hard for me. The therapist wants me to go to groups and stuff but I am not that much of an outgoing person like I was. Pain has prevented a lot of things for me as well as meeting up socially with people. I wanted to go to the chess club today but totally forgot about it. I wish I put the alarm in my phone. I would have gone rather than gone back to sleep.

I shaved my facial hair off the other day and I am still waiting for the mustache to grow back. I feel naked without it. I had to shave it off because one side was doing its own thing and the other was too. I haven’t shaved since. I pretty much shave the sideburns because I don’t like them getting all thick and shit. I don’t know how to trim them yet so it is just easier to shave them off. I’ll learn one of these days when the beard and everything is more uniform.

a blah Saturday

A blah Saturday

Past few days I have been feeling off. Last night I again got into feeling sick and weak. I haven’t been eating much past few days. Today I just had Ensure so I could take the antibiotics. I decided to take them as I feel really crummy and I don’t want to end up in the hospital. I just hope it isn’t too late because I feel so damn weak.

My mother is having a party for my youngest sister as her birthday is tomorrow. I don’t feel up to being around people. I am in pain too. Ankle has been a fuck most of the day. I talked with a transman today via text. I got the service from my pcp’s office. It was nice talking to them about trans stuff. Other than the therapist, I really don’t have anyone else to talk to. My family isn’t supportive. I was feeling down last night because of the dysphoria. I really wanted the breasts gone and to have surgery this year but that isn’t going to happen. I need to have full use of my arms until this construction is done. If I have the surgery, I won’t be able to move my arms fully and that will cause more problems between my sisters and me. I don’t think I am ready mentally for surgery as right now I am so suicidal. I really wanted to end things today but I just felt so weak I didn’t want to leave the house only to pass out.

Took my meds early tonight. I increased the Cymbalta to 60 mg twice a day the other day. I haven’t noticed a change in anything yet. I don’t have an appointment with the therapist this week. I got to text her Monday to see if I can see her or wait till next week. I really don’t want to see her this week but will if she wants to. I sent her a couple of texts but mostly just about baseball and chronic pain as CRPS awareness is this month. I sent her a meme about it. I also sent the NP psychopharm the blog about being in chronic pain that is a chapter in my book. Tonight is daylight savings so will be losing a fricken hour. My sleep is already so fucked up. Ever since my bladder has stopped working right I have been waking up between 2-4 am to empty it. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! It’s killing me waking up and then not being able to go back to sleep. I am tired all fucking day. I don’t even drink coffee in the morning anymore, not like I am up in the morning, but still. I only have Starbucks when I leave the house and am going to the Square. Tues I see my neurologist. I am going to have her look at the MRI and see if she sees anything worrying. I also need a refill on the gabapentin. She apparently is the only doctor that can prescribe it for some reason. And it will have to be in a new order because the damn hospital got rid of it all together. I am still mad about this. They have fucked my meds so much it’s not funny.