random thoughts 19 Dec 19

I had therapy today. It was the first appointment since my attempt on Monday. We talked about it and she is temporarily taking away my texting her until I am more stable. If I need to talk to her, I need to use the patient web thing. I won’t use the web thing because whatever I write gets put into my medical record. I had to send her a message today when I got home though because the concussion doc that I saw yesterday gave me so much more medication than I thought he was going to give me, especially after I told him I attempted on Monday. Fucking idiot. But then, not surprised. Professionals stay away from suicide as much as they can.

I got a few decent hours sleep so when I woke up, I was rested and decided to get moving as I was antsy. I was so nervous about seeing my therapist as I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. She told me that she isn’t going anywhere and to my relief she isn’t transferring me to someone else. I get to see her Monday, which is my birthday. I will be making zucchini bread sort to “celebrate”. The one I made for Thanksgiving was gone so I really didn’t have much of it the last time I made it, much to my disappointment.

I was developing some problems cathing so I let my urologist know. She said to come to the office the next day and she would put in a catheter. I went yesterday, after I saw the concussion doctor. I have a leg bag again. I cracked myself up today when I was going to pick up the medication the concussion doc prescribed as it can cause urine retention. I laughed because I have a catheter in me so it doesn’t matter if it does or not. I am not sure when I am getting this sucker out. The nurse is supposed to call me tomorrow when my culture results come in. They already did and it was negative so I want this out of me but it might be a while. I am not sure. As much as it is a pain, I kind of like it as I don’t have to leave my room for anything. I am trying to rest my flared up ankle as much as possible because I can’t stand being in pain anymore. If I can avoid the stairs, I will. I need to change the bag into a bigger one because fucking hell, I do not want to wake up at 3 fucking AM to empty the sucker. I just hope I put the damn thing in right because I really don’t want urine on my bed!

I have a concussion that the doc is worried about because it has been two weeks and I am still having symptoms. My memory was not perfect. When he gave me four things to remember, I remembered two. I know I totally fucked up counting down numbers from 100. And even something simple as remembering the date was out of touch. I couldn’t think what month this was. It was really difficult trying to have therapy as I kept losing my words for things. At one point my therapist told me to just take a breath and think then speak whatever the emotion was. I have trouble knowing what the fuck my emotions are anyway so today I just didn’t know my ass from my elbow. I got so frustrated because I couldn’t name how I felt. She wanted to know and I had no words. She jokingly said that we both will be without a jokester for a week and a half. We both are sarcastic as fuck. She will be away from Christmas until after the first week in January. She said we need to plan something while she is gone. I am kind of scared of what that will entail. I am not sure if she wants me to do shit while I am concussed still. I don’t see the concussion doctor again until the week she comes back. Both my therapist and psychopharm are out at the same time. I’ve been in this situation loads of times though not particularly after a suicide attempt. I know I will be alright. I just don’t think they will. The psychopharm wants me to call warm lines should I get suicidal again. She gave me a bunch of links in the Boston area which I didn’t even know existed. I probably won’t call them. I’ve never really found hotlines helpful when dealing with chronic suicidal thoughts.

dumbass 674 word blog at 1 am

Dumbass blog at 1 am

I cannot sleep even though I took some melatonin. Or I am fighting sleep because my ankle continues to be stabbed repeatedly in the same bloody spot that past 7 hours or so. I lost track. I am just disgruntled and want to fucking die but really am not sure what I plan to do is going to fucking work.

My bowels are backed up so I just took some Miralax. At 1 am. So I might have a bowel movement in maybe 12 hours from now, which will have me on the subway. I am brilliant, aren’t I???!!! I am so tired of keeping track of shit, literally and figuratively. I sent my therapist a text saying I won’t be seeing her tomorrow. But it’s still technically Sunday so that means today and the appointment is for Tuesday. My concussed brain fucked up. I am ready to give up on everything and just starve myself.

I posted some IG videos and pics today. I look like death hungover. Really, I look terrible and might take down the pics and video. I can’t believe I put them up to begin with. I am such an idiot sometimes. Ok, maybe all the fucking time.

I see the OT later today. I need to leave the house in about 9 hours. I am seeing her to talk about cathing. I am going to try and see if she can show me the best way to cath while lying down or sitting on the bed as that would be good on days I am in so much pain and don’t want to go downstairs because of causing more pain. I know eventually I will have to empty the container/urinal or whatever I use but the hope is not to be going to the bathroom when my pain is a 12+. She is very knowledgeable about spinal cord injuries and referred me to see someone that actually knows something about cauda equina syndrome AND CRPS! I am going to make an appointment with that doctor soon as I know what the hell is going on with my back and if I need surgery. Sucks I probably got to wait till next year to know as the holidays are up and I am sure the head honchos in radiology are on vacation. If I have to take the MRI again at the hospital where my surgeon is (MRI was taken at an affiliate hospital) then so be it. I don’t want to continue to lose function. I think my legs are starting to lose their stability as when I go downstairs, they shake. I have to go one step at a time or they just feel unstable but even then I have to hold on to the banister with two hands to make sure I am not going to fall. Hence another reason why I need to be taught to cath at the bedside. I will really be “set up” once I learn. I will have food (Ensure) and water so I really don’t need to leave my room except for appointments or something. HAHA OMG I have become an invalid or maybe I want that? I don’t know. I am just thinking of ways of staying off my damn fucking stupid ankle because standing hurts so damn much. Every time I stand up from bed, my ankle bones feel like they are being crushed.

I can’t stand this agony anymore. I really don’t know if I will go through with my idea tomorrow (today). I want to but I feel like a fucking chicken if I don’t try. I mean shit, I have been planning all fucking year and have not attempted. Came close a few times but did not attempt. I am starting to feel like such a loser for not trying. Just want to tempt fate a bit and see what happens. One day I will try it or maybe I will die in my sleep. What is wrong with that??

still in a flare

Still in a flare

I’ve been in a flare the past several days. Ankle is being stabbed repeatedly along with the 3-5 metatarsals being crushed. I took some hydroxyzine last night and omg I can’t take the shit anymore. I am so hung over. I might as well have taken tequila. My head is still hurting, right where I whacked it the past few hours. I took some Tylenol. I haven’t eaten so haven’t taken ibuprofen or naproxen. I decided to give naproxen a try as it last longer, well is supposed to anyway. I still need to take something for the headaches. I also feel like I am coming down with something. Not sure what. I think it is bronchitis as been wheezing at times. I am not an asthmatic so the wheezing is usually because of infection. It’s not all the time though. I don’t have an inhaler. I could use my mother’s, though I am not sure how old it is. I had one the last time I got this kind of sick but no idea where I put the inhaler. Probably in my jacket pocket or something. Throat is sore from all the clearing of the throat and cough. I have to call my pcp tomorrow.

Been feeling really shitty mood wise. I sent my therapist an article about suicide that my friend wrote. I am actually supposed to meet with him sometime this week. Not sure it is going to happen. I am feeling suicidal and apparently, one of my blogs I wrote last week which said how I was going to do it. Being in a concussion and not remembering what the fuck I write, I sent this blog to my therapist. Fuck. I took out the incriminating piece so that it cannot be used against me. But I know she knows.

Because of the medication, I have been going on my own today though I am not 100% sure I am emptying my bladder when I go. I was not sleeping through the night because of the of bladder. I know I woke up at midnight all fucking confused and staring at the time, wondering why it was midnight. I have no idea what time I went to sleep. I know tonight I am just taking my meds and nothing more. If I do, it will just be melatonin. I’m almost maxed out on my pain meds for the day. Fucking hate that I can only take two a day when I am in a lot of fucking pain. I have to space it out or I just don’t get to take anything. Sometimes I can take two if it is at night but most of the times, my flares are during waking hours so have to take something to get through. Then pain is unbearable at night, causing me to be up all night or afraid to go to sleep because of increase pain upon lying down. But this concussion is making everything so much worse. I emailed my neurologist the other night, I think when I was up all night because I just couldn’t sleep. I went to bed around 7 am yesterday morning. Things have been foggy. And my damn mother has been calling me like crazy. Thank god I blocked her because her ringtone annoys me (yes that is why I have it LOL).

no decision making sucks

No decision making sucks

I met with my therapist yesterday and the first thing she said to me was no decision making. I wanted to cry. I laughed instead. She asked why I was laughing. I honestly have no idea what I said but throughout the session, I kept giggling despite this being a serious thing. She said I shouldn’t go shopping either but I already spent a hundred bucks at Amazon because Christmas isn’t going to wait till I get over my head being bruised. I asked her about what we are to do therapy wise as I had wanted to start trauma therapy but she nixed that. Not until the new year. Great. She isn’t or doesn’t want me to think basically. I am supposed to limit my time online and stay in a dark room. I tried doing that for a while and it sucks when you are in a flare! My damn ankle is being such a fink. Also my bladder function seems to have stopped along with the pain meds being effective. I am getting hopeless really bad. The feelings of despair are hitting me and I really want to go to my happy place tomorrow. I told the therapist I wouldn’t but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

I had bought a three pack of thermal socks a couple of months ago. When I changed my sheets, I put them somewhere. I cannot find the place I put them anywhere. I checked all my drawers. They aren’t washed so not in clean clothes pile. I ordered some more socks as I swear there is only two pairs I have been wearing when I go out. No idea where the rest of them went. I had bought 2 6-packs a year ago. These two are what is left. Maybe the washing machine ate them. I don’t know.

I needed this concussion like I need…actually, I don’t even know. I hate the headaches. I have some memory problems that are worse than it was before I hit my head. I have to keep track of the hours in between voids because I went nearly 9 hours before I realized it had been a while since I last peed. All this shit to keep track of and if you lose track of one thing, you are fucked. And the shit I am talking about are meds and body functions. I literally need to write down the time I take the breakthrough med or I won’t remember when I last took it. Same goes with the Tylenol and ibuprofen I have been taking. The NP psychopharm said to take them every six hours but space them three hours apart. HA, only way for me to remember that is by putting it in my app and that is NOT happening. I’ll take them together like I did before. I find it works better for me. I read the ED visit discharge and apparently I am supposed to take naproxen but I don’t like it. I like ibuprofen better, though I have to eat when I take it or my stomach is going to HATE me. I also got to keep track of the bowels. Fuck. Always need to keep track of those suckers. Think if I don’t go tonight, I will have to take miralax again. I just bought some more because I am running low. Thank god Amazon has it at a better price than Walgreens or CVS for a big thing. I think my appetite is slowly coming back as I had a burger today. I am even getting craving for Chinese food though I don’t know what to order. I really want to go to the one down the street where I can get like a combo meal for ten bucks or so.