Just finished filling the pill box for the week. Because I take pills in the morning and evening, I had two to fill. Usually, I just fill one and the other is just take what I want or remember to. I take at least 10 pills at night, not counting my pain pills or PRNs. I don’t know if they help my mood lately but I take them anyway.
I tried writing today. I got a little done, changed a few paragraphs/sentences. But didn’t write anything new. I don’t know what my problem is. The stuff is there, but it just won’t come out. Maybe I am thinking too hard. I don’t know. But I got to get some writing done soon. 2015 is around the corner and I would like to get at least 50 pages done by mid year. Right now I don’t have squat.
I made my coffee wrong this morning. It is way too strong. I don’t understand how I did it as I used the same coffee/water ratio. I drank only a quarter of a cup. It was all that I could stomach. Totally put a dent in my day as I was so looking forward to a nice cup of coffee today. But I knew if I forced myself to drink it all or most of it, I would pay with severe anxiety later on today. But the little I had, took the cobwebs out of my head.
Tomorrow I am getting out the house, even if it kills me. I need to go to Starbucks. I think a change of scenery might be what I need to write what I need to. And unlike my writing partner, I am not bent on page limits or time. She writes at least three pages a day on something and maybe spends an hour or two working on it. I don’t have those restrictions. So why do I have such difficulty writing?? I think it might be that I don’t really want to do it. I have no direction so I don’t know what avenue to write and I don’t want to write one way and then my partner says, no, go this way. Course it is all a matter of interpretation. It is just so frustrating because she is not working on the book right now and I rather have something for when the depression hits and I can’t do shit. It takes a real effort to try and write when I am feeling unmotivated and depressed. That is why my book so long took a year to write. I don’t want the same thing happening to this book.
I guess I should move some shit around my room so my brother-in-law can take my AC out of my room before it starts to rain again. I hear there is supposed to be snow this week so I need to get it out. Sucks having a depression that doesn’t make you want to do things. But mostly it has been my pain levels lately that have determined what I do and don’t do. Which is why my writing is so important to me. If I can’t do anything else, least I can write, but that hasn’t been the case. And it is driving me crazy.