thoughts on thinking

Thoughts on thinking

Do you find that personality disorder is complex trauma and diagnosed more because they can’t fix PTSD? And label bpd due to the complexity of the trauma? So rather than dealing with the trauma the person has, just label them as BPD and go from there.

These are some thoughts I have about bpd and trauma. I am a highly sensitive person and because of this I have been thrown into the BPD realm of diagnosis. I also have complex trauma that no one has looked at. They just look at my suicidality and depression and deal with that most of the time.

My thoughts today also centered around palliative care and end of life care. I am done being in pain and want to die because of it. I don’t know if I will find a doctor to deal with the pain because I am not terminal. I have pills that I hope will be enough to do the job. I have others too that can be mixed with it but I don’t want to be a polypharmacy as you can end up vomiting and then surviving.

I have sort of talked about this with my therapist but seeing as I want top surgery first that has been my top goal right now. Maybe I will feel better afterwards so much so that suicide doesn’t have to follow through.

I have been in severe pain since last night. It started with my big toe and then went into my foot. Now it is in the other side of my foot and bones are aching. I have had enough. I don’t care if they think that the depression is causing me to feel like ending my life but pain is causing some part of it too. I don’t think the pain up my leg is CRPS because pain is the only symptom I am having. No other symptoms are present and I need at least 7 other symptoms. So finding out what is causing the pain will be important. But I got to find a doctor that will look into it.

So the magic of Twitter got me in touch with a social worker in Colorado about death with dignity and palliative care. I said it all depends on how the pain doc appointment goes. If she doesn’t want to treat me then I will ask my neuro for palliative care. This will all happen after top surgery. The SW is willing to support me in anyway she can and to help go through the motions of what needs to be done. I told her I don’t want the CRPS to spread up my leg and there isn’t a treatment for it. I am hoping she will increase my pain meds so I can get some relief when it flares up. I am so glad she accepted that I had chronic pain and it was a huge cost to my dignity. I know my therapist has said I haven’t gone through all the things I could with physical and emotional pain but I think in a year or so, I will be closer to my death. I just hope I don’t wait too long and have it spread to my knee.

I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth yet today. I don’t think I will be showering. My leg is too painful. I will brush my teeth before bed. I had put the tasks in my phone but I just shut them off without doing them. I knew it would be a hassle to do.

I didn’t sleep again last night. I woke up with shoulder pain and I just couldn’t go back to sleep. Then I took some tizanidine which I forgot interacts with my blood pressure pill so I was feeling pretty sick. My blood pressure dropped really low. I drank some fluids to bring it up. It was a rough night. My foot was really hurting and I finally took something around midnight. I had taken the tizanidine so that my foot wouldn’t cramp up. It has been doing that for a while now, even though I take magnesium for it. Sometimes I need both. I just need a lower dose (4mg) of it not a high dose. UGH.