feeling so depressed and tired

Feeling so depressed and tired

I had therapy that I almost missed because I overslept. Luckily I got up 45 mins before it started and was able to make coffee. I didn’t talk much. I did talk about my father. Today six years ago he died. I thought a lot about that day. Feels like it was yesterday. I told her the last few days have been rough. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t showered. I haven’t brushed my teeth. I am just so depressed. I asked her if she wanted to add a skill and she said no because she doesn’t want to overwhelm me and I haven’t been doing what I have been given. I was relieved to hear it because it has been hard juggling things.

I wanted to brush my teeth after session but I just couldn’t do it so I had another cup of coffee. It helped keep me from lying down again. I have been thinking about death on and off since therapy ended. I feel like a useless piece of shit because I can’t do basic care for myself. I am going to end up with no teeth because I don’t brush every day and this bothers me.

It’s cool out and there is a cool draft coming through the window. I just want to hunker down in my bed under the covers. I want to order pizza but I just can’t seem to get the nerve to call. So I am having my mother make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe I will get the nerve to call tomorrow.

My leg is hurting. I haven’t done anything yet. I plan on taking a shower after I eat. I hope it takes the allergies out of my eyes. They have been tearing something awful. Doesn’t help that there has been construction in my mother’s bedroom so dust has been around the house. I don’t know when the workers will be finished. I think my mother has to pick out the paint she wants to paint it.

After I shower I plan on reading the next three hours to finish the book I am reading. I have three chapters so I hope it will take that long to read. Then I will take a break from the suicide books and read a book on Juneteenth. This is the plan anyway. Just hope the shower doesn’t tire me out too much.