I had a good sleep but didn’t have any plans for the day. I just wanted to stay home. My mother wanted me to go out. Fuck that! I have been out every day this week. I had some breakfast and then went back to bed.

When I woke up, this song was in my head. The woman that sings it, Cam, is gorgeous! She is a new artist. There are a couple of her songs on YouTube. I might check them out after I write this blog.

I had another rough night of pain until I fell asleep. I am glad I didn’t wake up during the night. I think I am going to make some honey BBQ wings for supper. My mother said leftovers were for dinner and the choices weren’t appealing. I had started my grocery list. I am just throwing things on there. I probably will take them off when it gets closer to check out. I do the same with Amazon. Right now, both carts are near the $200 mark. I’ll take off what I don’t need. I wanted to get some PJs as I had two pairs rip to shreds as they are so old. I have bought PJs here and there but I typically wear the same ones for a few days. When I shower is the only time I change, which can be days depending on my pain level.

Tomorrow I see the pain doc and I hope that we can come up with a plan that will help control my pain better. I know there is not a medicine in the world that will take it away completely. But if it brings it down to a 3 most days, I will be happy. I just want to be able to fucking do shit around the house like make meals, shower, brush my teeth, and then go to Starbucks and write for a couple of hours. I don’t want to see the same four walls because I am in intractable pain all the time. I also want to be able to sleep through the fucking night or at least get to sleep at a decent hour. My sleep has always been fucked up but these flares are making everything worse.

I emailed my psych before I went to bed last night asking her if she read the card as I didn’t hear from her. She said she did and she loved the sweets. I am happy. I hope she knows how much she means to me. I know there are days where my illness makes me paranoid of her and I sometimes don’t reach out because I am scared or angry (mostly because the voices are saying stuff about her) but she is always there for me to listen to these things. She never gets mad or frustrated with me. I am really lucky to have such a good psychiatrist.

any thoughts?

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