The Hunt for Picante Sauce

The hunt for Picante sauce

I was in severe pain last night after taking my night time dose of pain meds. It wasn’t even two mins in my system when I moved to lay down that my ankle exploded in severe pain. It was then the waiting game of what to do/take. I was up till around 4. Around 3 I got hungry and heated up the breakfast burrito I made a few days ago. I wanted something spice and found a packet of picante sauce from McDonalds. YES! It was so good. My belly was full and I was able to get to sleep, though it wasn’t restful as I kept waking up every couple of hours, with my med alarm scaring the crap out of me. I would have stayed in bed but I had to see my therapist. I woke up shortly after 11 so there was no chance of a shower. I went downstairs to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. My mother made pancakes and saved me some. I took them with me to have at Starbucks with my much needed espresso.

I got to Starbucks and had 5 shots of espresso and the pancakes. It was good. I then wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for my therapist’s office. It was bloody cold but I was wearing a heavy sweatshirt and that made me sweat. My ankle was still bothering me so I took a strong pain pill to keep it quiet. In my Painsomnia state, I had written an email to my psychiatrist that was basically telling her I was going through with Plan A. She had responded with some weird inquiries so I had some explaining to do. We exchanged emails and I think everything is sorted. Not quite sure though as she never responded with my last email.

I went to my therapist’s office and session went well. He was surprised that the pain doc and my PCP had decided to go collaborate and not include me in the conversation. It is still a mystery why my psychiatrist needs to be involved. I asked him if the LGBT doc had been in touch with him and he said that they were looking for my entire record from him. He didn’t send it because he wanted to talk to me first and I am glad he did because I do not want them to have the record. They may talk to him, but I do not want what we talk about to be shared. He said that he is willing to write a letter if they need it but it will cost me. I am not worried about that. He said he would prefer a phone call. I agreed. So Friday when I meet with the doc, I will ask him what he wants with my therapist. As of yet, the LGBT doc has not contacted my psychiatrist. I have no idea if he got my medical records or what. Now I am really nervous about the appt.

I am on the fence on moving forward with my transition because of my plan. I am going to send my PCP a message about what he plans on doing with my pain meds. I am planning on picking up the script on Wed, if they are ready. After therapy, I went on my picante sauce hunt. I went to the grocery store at the Square and they had shit selection but no picante sauce. The eggs were also up thirty cents since I bought them Saturday. I went to another grocery store and they had the picante sauce! Yay! I bought three dozen eggs and a half gallon of juice, my kind as the one my sister bought my mother sucks. It is from concentrate and I like it not from concentrate. It just tastes better. I got home and had to shower. I was sweating and because I was holding my urine, I leaked pretty good. I felt gross. I knew my ankle wasn’t going to like it but that is what pain meds were for.

After the shower, I had dinner that my mother made. Then she yelled at me because I spent so much on the eggs. I should have destroyed the receipt but I forgot I left it in the bag. It wasn’t even her money! She said she wasn’t sending me shopping anymore. Fine. Whatever. I don’t give a shit. You buy your eggs and I’ll buy mine!

I just made a cup of orange spice tea and I am going to relax the rest of the night. My back and ankle are killing me. I hope I am not up all night again. I need to clean out my backpack and find out what the hell is so damn heavy. I think I am going to switch to my messenger bag. It is time for a change anyway. Time to rock the Pearl Jam bag!

counting down toward baseball 11 days

My ankle has been hurting me most of the day. I woke up at 6 in pain, managed to go back to sleep and got up around 1400. I made coffee and walking was difficult. Any weight that I put on my ankle made it hurt more. I had some cookies as I didn’t know what to eat. I was watching the game. It was the top of the 5th and they scored soon as my coffee was done. YAY! My “boyfriend” Benny Biceps (Andrew Benintendi) scored a home run. I decided to make some boiled eggs and toast before going back to my room.

My mother wanted me to look up some cleaning machine on my computer. I told her the price and I guess it was too high as she didn’t say anything else. I don’t know why she wants another one. She bought one for the kitchen floor that she has yet to use. I don’t get it. She has bought several sets of pans that are on the porch. Guess she is waiting for the ones we use every day to fall apart before we can use them. I don’t know. They are the copper ones they show on TV. I used one of them while making the beef for Manwich. It was good as things didn’t stick to it. I might use the smaller pan when I make scrambled eggs.

I am so exhausted from being in pain. It is draining the fuck out of me. My psychiatrist never responded to the email I sent her about what the pain doc said. I have no idea if my PCP has contacted her or what. I hate that I am not being included in the conversation. It IS my life they are talking about and MY care. I hate that this is just dragging on. I am still going to go through with my plan. I will make phone calls tomorrow, though that is giving me anxiety. I hate talking to people on the phone. I rather text or email. I know it will be a few transfers to get a hold of someone that is in charge of getting my pension and what to do with it. I also know that once I start the process, there is no looking back. I know I don’t have to do this but I can’t stand being in pain 24/7 anymore.

When my check comes in this month, I plan on ordering my books so I can give them to the libraries. I want my hometown to have a couple of copies and the idiot town I live in, even though I hate this city very bad. I also need to get my spare phone fixed. No point in getting new glasses. HA, one less expense, though I currently am hating the pair I have right now. I should make a list of all that I need to do. I have two places I want to eat at before I go.

Even though my feet have been under the blankets the past two hours, they are ice fricken cold. It’s kind of cold in my room. For some reason, the heat only goes on at night, least in my room anyway. I don’t mind it being cold so long as my nose doesn’t get cold. Then I need heat. But my feet are different. I need to put on thermals and I just don’t want to be bothered. Damn, heat is making a liar out of me as it just kicked on! Fucker. LOL Must have knew I was talking about it.

Sox won 2-1. 11 days till Opening Day. I cannot fricken wait!! Seems like forever since I last heard or watched a night game. The spring training has been meh. Nothing exciting except one catcher that has done really well. I don’t know who will be staying or going. I guess that will be happening sometime within the week.

oh my blood pressure!

Oh my blood pressure!

I had about 4 hours of sleep last night. I just couldn’t sleep. My brain couldn’t turn off and then pain started. I couldn’t get comfortable. I was talking to one of my British friends and she was telling me about strong tea. She gave me the brand she uses and in my Painsomnia state, I ordered it. I have been making a lot of purchases while I am up all night. I told my psychiatrist and she said that if my spending got out of hand, to let her know. I said I would.

I had six shots of espresso and that wasn’t a good idea for my appts as I was kind of jittery. My emotions were all over the place because I didn’t sleep. I lost track of when I was supposed to take my pain meds so was late by the time I got home. I saw my psychiatrist and all I did was cry out of frustration. She read the notes from the pain doc and it said what I told her. She encouraged me to collaborate with the pain doc. So I settled down and said I was going to try. That was the plan. Should have worked, right?? Yea, like a snowball in hell!

I met with this fellow that I swear is stalking me. Nearly every new appt I have had the last few months, he has been there. Today he was the fellow I saw before the attending. We chatted for a bit and then he went to get the attending. I told him I wanted to be put on methadone before leaving. He said he would relay the message. The attending comes in and said he had a long conversation with my PCP about what to do. Now it becomes a three ringed circus, because these two doc (pain and pcp) will collaborate with my psychiatrist before deciding on what to do. WTF!! I asked what I was to do in the meantime. He didn’t say anything. He did say that if I had continued bone pain, to let my PCP know so he could order a bone scan to check for a bone infection. I have been having this pain for more than a year. I had a bone scan in November that didn’t say a thing about infection. I am so fucking pissed. I am done. I was speechless. As I walked to the train station, I put on Pearl Jam and listened to it LOUD.

My psych wanted me to let her know how the appt went. I told her I would page her when I got home. I emailed her because I was watching the game and didn’t feel like talking. I came home, made dinner as I watched the ball game, tweeted or posted on Facebook on the plays. I was so exhausted. I still am. I feel so lifeless. I have decided to put my plan into motion. Monday I will be making some phone calls. Soon as I have my affairs in order, I plan on going through with my plan.

Nor’Easter number??

Nor’Easter number ?

We have had so many storms in the last few weeks that I have lost count which number this is. It is bad. I took a pic when I came down to the kitchen at noon and one of the screen doors was half covered in snow and the bottom was just a huge pile of snow that had drifted that end of the house. Surprisingly, I haven’t been in as much pain as I was yesterday. I was up most of the night, fighting nausea and then got really bad indigestion. I need to get some Mylanta the next time I go to Walgreens. I ran out and keep forgetting to grab it.

I made coffee with my new French press. I was so tired when I was making it that when it was time to pour the coffee, I didn’t know how. HAHA There is a lever now. My old one just had a screen that you turned. I love this new one. I made Kopelani coffee. It was good with caramel notes and like the guy at Starbucks said, a little smokey. I was glad it wasn’t overpowering. I drank half of it and got hungry so I made some boiled eggs. I wanted to make bacon but I didn’t have the energy for it. After I finished the eggs I went up to my room. I was so fricken cold, down to my bones. I felt like I was never going to get warm again. I was tired so decided to take a nap. I was just drifting off when my mother began calling me, telling me dinner was ready. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted sleep dammit! God she is so annoying! She heated up some beef stew that she made months ago.

I’m still not hungry. I could go back to sleep but decided to write for a bit. My ankle was kind of cramping when I woke up from my nap. It was hurting so I took a pain med. I wanted to read today but I don’t have the brain to do it. I might make some orange spice tea and just play on my phone. I’ve been on Facebook most of the day. A lot of people have been posting in my CRPS group. Makes the time goes by talking to my support friends.

My psychiatrist rescheduled my appt for tomorrow so I don’t have to go out. I will see her on Friday. Not sure what the city is gonna look like after the storm. It’s really bad with all the snow. In yesterday’s mail, I got a thing from my student loans. I get a piece of mail from them every few months. This one was telling me the interest rate was changing. I think there is an error because it went from 2.85% to 328%! I meant to call today but I forgot. I will call tomorrow. I also need to change my name with them

daylight savings time mess

Daylight savings time mess

I slept nearly every two hours the whole night. I gave up around 6 and had something to eat then tried again and was successful. I slept the whole day! I woke up slightly a few time, but I mostly stayed asleep until 1615. I took my pain meds and then went downstairs to make something to eat.

My brother in law got me rolls instead of hamburger buns. It was okay. I made the Manwich and it came out good. Now I have a quick meal the rest of the week. I decided to shower after I ate as my pain was still pretty low but creeping up. As I was in the shower for a few minutes, there was this awful noise and the pipes were vibrating. I moved this lever thing and that stopped the noise but by the end of the shower, I was losing water pressure. My mother and brother in law heard the noise. I told my mother what had happened and she said she would call the plumber tomorrow.

My foot was not a happy camper by the time I dried off and got dressed. I filled the pill box for the week and that made it more angry. I am going to put some diclofenac gel on it to see if that helps calm it down some. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill unless I have to. I had to take 3 yesterday to control my pain. I don’t want to get constipated again. That was awful as with my nerve injury, it is very easy to get backed up. I also can’t take senna a few nights this week because I have appts.

I read Facebook and looks like another fricken storm is coming over the next few days. That would explain why I was hurting so bad yesterday. I am going to be hurting the next few days as the snow is going to start tomorrow and end fricken Wed! I hope I can see my psychiatrist Wed but it will depend on what the roads are like and how bad the snow is. If they call for a snow emergency, I might reschedule.

Sometime during my Painsomnia, I wrote about stuff I wanted to discuss with my PCP tomorrow. I see him in the morning so I hope the snow doesn’t start then. I canceled my appt with my therapist for the afternoon. It would be too much for me to have two appts in one day at different locations.

I read some of 1984 last night to try and distract from the pain. I really hope something like that doesn’t happen to the US due to Cheeto’s stupidity and paranoia. I heard he is still trying to campaign for 2020. Idiot doesn’t realize how stupid that is. He can barely manage this presidency! I might not be around then anyways. All decisions will be made by Friday. Just hope my pain is better by then.