sick and in a flare

Sick and in a flare

I woke up around 5 am because my bladder said to. I then decided to stay up as my grocery delivery was scheduled between 830 and 9. I had two cups of coffee and a breakfast sandwich. After the delivery I put the stuff away and then got my haircut. I went without checking the bus schedule and was too early. I had sent a message to my doc asking if I had to see him because of the mucus being green from my nose. I didn’t get notification until after I got home so I had to go back out again. I just wanted to go to bed and sleep. I was so tired and I had a mocha after my cut. No amount of caffeine was going to keep me awake. I got to the doctors and had to wait. Office was busy. I got sent home with a “ I will live” and I cursed myself for going in. I was really exhausted and tired by the time I got home.

I was playing with my phone and had to use the bathroom. Coming back to my room my ankle flared up. I had to have my niece get my cane in my room. Now I am stuck here. I went to bed before grabbing some catheters so the next time I go may not be the bathroom. I have not been successful cathing in bed. I guess I will have to figure it out now.

I used to love Twitter. I used to get my news from there. Now, I rather be in the dark about the fucking news because every day my govt does something stupid or unconstitutional. Let this year be over so I don’t have to deal with the election bullshit (I will vote!!) and let Jan 31st happen with NEW admin that is Democratic or Pigskins anything but R. All I will say on the matter. If this offends you, I am not sorry.

Hope this weekend’s storm doesn’t kill me. My little suicidal brain has been calculating shit. I won’t get far if and only if my psych do what I told them to do. Other day when I was in painsomnia mode, the voices got out of control. I was thinking of going in the hosp but now with this cold, it isn’t going to happen. They don’t allow fricken cough drops on the unit and the ones that they do allow are the kind that a doctor has to write an order for and numbs you. I hate those kind. I also don’t think going in will be good for my bladder condition. I am too fearful of an infection happening, either because of my having to cath (if the unit allows ME to do it) or if I have to have a Foley and a leg bag. Psych unit bathrooms can be gross even if cleaned once a day. The voices are responding to the higher dose of Invega. I guess I will have to keep taking this dose despite side effects. Benadryl and Ativan will have to be my counter agents for the side effects. I switched taking it to the morning and haven’t had any sign of effects yet.

I’ve already decided that if I am still sick next week, I am going to cancel my appointments with my psychopharm and therapist. I didn’t have therapy this week because of being sick. I supposed I could have been seen today but I really didn’t want to so opted for next week. I am having the fuck its come into play where I don’t want to see either of them because I just feel so damn hopeless. I might cancel anyways or just one as I am supposed to meet both the same day but at different times. I don’t know why I do that because it kills me but it gets it out of the way I suppose. Guess it will depend on how much this virus and this flare will conspire against me and what my recovery will look like. Stay tuned…

First bad news of the year

First bad news of the year

I’ve had bladder pain all weekend and my uro is out of the office due to illness so she wanted me to see my pcp. My pcp wasn’t in the office so I went to medical walk in. The doc there was concerned I might have appendicitis so he had me down for a CT scan. The scan indicated everything was normal except my spine which had advance discogenic degenerative changes from L2-L5. Not the news I wanted to hear. I am already freaking out over my upcoming neurosurgeon appointment and this just added to my nerves, no pun intended. I am going to ask my PCP to tell him what has been going on and to see what he (neurosurg) wants to do. Maybe he wants to see me sooner than the 5th. I don’t know. My psych said that if I have surgery, she will visit me. Least that is one way of seeing her again. Though I rather it be her new office not my hospital room!

I’ve been in a mood since I came home. I want to self-destruct. I sent my psych a message that I am keeping things as best I can even though I want to plan right now (I didn’t tell her that). If I had some lethal method I would probably act on it. I am keeping focus on things other than suicide and that is very hard when you just want to end your life because things suck so bad right now. I did some Amazon shopping. I probably will do some more tomorrow as there are a few things that I need that I didn’t get. I just don’t want three charges all on the same card.

Voices have no calmed down despite me increasing the dose back to 4.5 mg of Invega. I might have to wait a bit. I canceled therapy for tomorrow because I just can’t go back to the hosp. I am so frigging tired and the stupid doctor hit my right heel to see if it caused abdominal pain that it flared up the sensitivity and my Achilles heel as well. I am in pain all over the place. Plus my ankle is in HUGE amount of pain. It locked up on me again when I came home soon after I took the AFO brace off. I haven’t eaten anything substantial but I gained five pounds since the last time I was weighed. I don’t know when that was but I was five pounds less. I am upset over gaining the weight. I was doing well to stay below 200 but I couldn’t stay off. I just had ensure when I came home and Gatorade. I am not hungry, even though I should be.

On the way home, I found out the GOP Senators were traitors like they have been the past two years and Derek Jeter got into the HOF. I am happy about Derek. He has my deepest respect because even though he was a Yankee, he played with heart and class. Unlike some people that will never make it into the HOF.

I am feeling really out of sorts. The voices are continuing to tell me I am meaningless and worthless. This has been going on for a week and I am about to snap. I don’t know what I will do but it won’t be good. I am trying not to give into my impish ways. I just feel so awful about my back and there is nothing I can do except wait until I see the neurosurg. I also got to wait two days for the urine culture to come back to see if I have a urine infection. That is a lot of waiting. The doc gave me the choice of going on antibiotics now but I didn’t want to be treated for the wrong bug so I decided to wait, which is the right thing to do. Just sucks. The urinalysis wasn’t positive at all so I don’t think there is any bugs causing the bladder pain. Nothing showed up on the CT scan so I am starting to think this is a CRPS thing. If I am right, this is going to be a problem when I have top surgery. I got to read more into Type1 CRPS. Type 2 is supposed to be the “bad” one. But I don’t have that so it shouldn’t be spreading to my bladder. UGH. I got to play medical detective because there is no one else to play with the clues. Though the pain is bad but not as bad as my ankle pain. Not choosing pains just saying. I hope I can sleep tonight but tomorrow is shot and pay day so I doubt it. It’s already 11pm. I will probably give the T at midnight. Sleep for a few hours to wake up to pay some bills then sleep some more. I want to get a haircut tomorrow. I kind of fucked it up as I went wild but I don’t think I did a too bad of a job that my barber can’t fix.

My sister is sick and when my other sister told me I laughed out loud because she opened up all the fucking windows in the house when it was like 18 degrees out. Fuck. Serves her right. Dumbass she is. I have my window open and I only got sick because my mother doesn’t wash her hands or cover her mouth when she coughs, and she has had a bad cough. Her foot doctor sent her to her primary as she had a bad coughing fit. UGH. They have her on antibiotics, which is good. If they have her on something else, I doubt she will take it. She will pay for it but she won’t use it. I don’t get that at all. Meanwhile I got to remember to budget my money this month so I can get my meds. I forgot last month. My bad. January is tough. I don’t even know what my monthly insurance is going to be yet. I haven’t gotten the invoice yet. I am thinking it is going to be at least $232, might be more but I will stick with that for now.

so tired of the shore

So tired of the shore

I had a meeting with my psychopharm today. We went over the psychache psychometrics. She assessed my suicidality. She didn’t like that I am hearing commanding voices and my suicidal level was high. I told her this was my norm. She said if that changes to get in touch with her immediately. I told her I would.

I sent a message to my therapist last night and haven’t gotten a response. The voices are telling me that she thinks I am meaningless and don’t trust her. I should end seeing her. I am still feeling meaningless. The voices are really loud today and I am having trouble concentrating. Tomorrow I see the therapist and I am supposed to bring Shneidman’s needs with me. I thought of just bringing a print out of my blog on the subject but then I thought bringing the book might be better as it lists a better definition of the words than I could interpret.

Since before my appointment with my psychopharm, my ankle had started to act up. I took a pain med before leaving the house. Now my pain is beyond tolerable. I can’t take my normal stuff because I have an early appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I have to leave by 1030. I just hope that I remember to bring Shneidman’s book with me. I meant to put it in my bag today but I forgot it on my bed. I am glad I took a shower this morning (probably what set off my ankle) so I won’t have to tomorrow.

The voices have been really loud today. Last night they were obnoxious. I sent a message to the therapist but haven’t had a response. They are telling me I should kill myself, though they are not being too clear on how to do it. One is telling to do it this way and the other is just like take this bottle of pills. I am glad I don’t have those bottles near me. I want them to shut up but I know the only way they really will is by killing myself. I can’t put them on mute as they don’t have a mute button. I have five voices right now, 3 that are bad and 2 that are my normal ones. Sometimes there are six. I am glad the 6th one doesn’t come along too often. There is so much noise going on. I told the psychopharm I would only be open to taking trilafon. It is the only med that works when I need it. I don’t want to go on something else or increase the dose I am taking now. I don’t want side effects. It is bad enough that I am dealing with dry mouth from the nortriptyline and the bladder spasm medication. I won’t take that medicine tomorrow because I want to see if it is making the dry mouth worse. I hate dry mouth. I have to make sure I carry cough drops or hard candy with me at all times now.

Christmas 2019

Christmas 2019

Today started off rough as I got into an argument with my mother. She had called me wondering why I didn’t go down in the morning. I didn’t feel like it because I didn’t sleep well last night. I wanted coffee but it was almost time for dinner and I knew if I had some, my appetite wouldn’t be there. I was grumpy but made it downstairs. The food was good and I overate. I made out like a bandit with Starbucks gift cards.

I’ve been feeling really low all week. Monday my mood was better when I was in therapy. The therapist noticed. It didn’t last long as by evening I was depressed again and I have been down since. I think I am getting a cold as my nose is running tonight. I think the virus I have been avoiding the past two weeks has caught up to me.

Therapist wants me to start a DBT group. I told her I would try but no guarantees that this will be completed. I am juggling so many medical appointments as it is and throw in psych and physical therapy, my schedule is suddenly full. I am not sure I will have more than 3 appointments for PT as the concussion is getting better finally. I see the concussion doc the beginning of the new year. The first full week in Jan I have four appointments. Such a busy week and I am not looking forward to it. I still have this behavioral med psychologist I am seeing. I see him next week. I don’t see the point in seeing him but the therapist really stressed meeting with him so I will.

Uro called me yesterday. I have an appointment next week with my doc about this fricken catheter. I am sort of getting used to it but now sediment is starting to build up in it. I just hope no bacteria grows. I really don’t want an infection again. I have a love/hate relationship right now with the damn thing. The pain in the ass is having to empty the bag. The larger bag is not a huge deal but the smaller one I have to really watch how much I am drinking when I am out. Tomorrow I am to meet up with some friends and go out for dinner. I am nervous about it. Just hope it will be okay.