day three of depression

Day three of depression

I slept okay as someone with chronic pain does. My med alarm woke me up so I took my pain meds and my BP pill. I didn’t record it or set my alarm for my next dose of pain meds. I just went back to sleep and had whacky dreams. It was around noon when I looked at the clock. Still too early to take my meds. I didn’t have too many messages on my phone though someone called me. It wasn’t a number I recognized and they didn’t leave a message. My sister sent me a pic of the tix for tonight. I am looking forward to the movie tonight. I just feel so blah

I made a sandwich as I probably should eat something and then I showered. It was still hot and humid. When I came back to my room, my foot felt ice cold. I stuck it under the blankets. I am still debating on putting on my thermal socks. But I don’t feel like doing any of that.

I hope my sisters and I eat out tonight. I think that will be good. But I don’t know. We might order something at home or just eat because we will order junk at the theater. I really want popcorn. I love movie theater popcorn. Nothing compares to it, not even the microwave kind. I did buy the Orville Redenbacher’s popcorn that already has its own bowl. I was going to have that last night if I watched the game with my nephew. But I wasn’t feeling up to it. The Celtics lost. I knew they would be coming back to Boston.

My groceries will be coming tomorrow. I feel like going to Walgreens to get a Starbucks mocha coffee that is premade but I honestly am having a hard time moving. I am getting hungry so I think I am going to have a pizza.

really crappy Monday

Really crappy Monday

I didn’t think I was going to write today. Pain has been up and down all day. I went out but didn’t stay out too long. I just went to the post office to mail my postcards. I took my meds early and then tried to settle down but my mood changed real quick to suicidality. I put some more thought into my plan. And my blog. I think I am going to have a day off and it will be Monday, unless I feel like writing that day.

I had another rough night of pain. It was in three places. By 1 am, I was just taking pills left and right. I didn’t care. I didn’t do anything to cause myself harm. But I was just counting down the minutes to my next dose. How is this living?? I swore I was going to call my pain doc but I was so set on just going to the post office today, that I just forgot. I basically just woke up, used the bathroom, got dressed and caught the bus. I had to come back to the house though because I forgot my wallet. I nearly knocked over the fake plants in the stairway as I had my backpack on. I didn’t think to take it off. I was just so focused to get this one thing done and then come back home. It totally exhausted me. I was supposed to watch the basketball game tonight with my nephew but I told him I couldn’t. I hurt too much, physically and mentally.

My mother made stir fry but over cooked everything. I didn’t like it. I ate some of it because I wanted the rice to help my bowels. They have been loose today for some reason. I didn’t hold the senna so I can only imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I ordered my groceries in my midnight wonderings. They will be delivered sometime on Wednesday. I will have the pulled pork again with Portuguese rolls. Least I hope I will. I hope the driver isn’t late like he was last month.

I hate being so damn tired and can’t sleep. Trump royally pissed me off. I’m getting the slight feeling he had something to do with 9/11. There is absolutely no way to prove it though. Could just be my crazy pain driven mind. There was just something I read today that had me thinking about it. I won’t say what as the stuff it out there. He is more concerned about his fucking hotels than the US government. Typical tyrant. Can’t wait till they take him away, in cuffs. Mueller has to work quickly but I understand that he wants (like the rest of us that aren’t drinking his Fox kool aid) a solid case that won’t be shattered. I doubt I will be alive for it to happen. I feel so suicidal today and can’t really talk about it because people can’t hear me out without freaking out. I am sure just saying the “S” word has already panicked some readers.

If some whacko didn’t call the cops on me a few years ago, I could freely talk about how I feel. Now I feel scared to do so. Now I just write offline or in password protected posts, which I do so rarely. Psychache is hurting so bad today, worst than my worst CRPS pain. I have no idea why today is so bad. It just hit me all at once while I was trying to nap. I think I am just so tired of feeling miserable and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I canceled therapy and my therapist doesn’t care. He doesn’t question why I cancel like my past therapists have. My psychiatrist never responded to my email about meeting after she canceled on me last week. I am tired of putting in the effort and not seeing results. I am better off doing things on my own anyways. There are a lot of self help things online. It can be overwhelming when you feel like crap. Today I did my one thing (going to the post office and having something to eat with my espresso). That was enough for me today. Now I can crash. I wish I could do more but that was enough. My sister bought tickets for a movie that I really want to see, a comedy called The Book Club. We are going to see it tomorrow night. I think that will be good. I haven’t laughed in a really long time, other than the funny dog or cat videos I see. I can’t remember the last movie I saw, probably the Rim. I really want to see Jurassic World. I think it is out sometime next month. I have seen two of the three Jurassic movies. I like them. I wanted to buy the trilogy but it sold out before I could buy it. I am sure Amazon will have it again.

Sunday Blog about nothing 20 May 2018

Sunday Blog about nothing 20 May 2018

Just finished a cup Earl Grey tea. Had another crappy night of sleeping so when I woke up after 1300 and decided McDonald’s were in order. I had to have chicken nuggets. The order was delivered quicker than the other day. I liked what I ordered this time, just my favorites.

I woke up feeling crummy. My alarm for my pain meds went off and I think I shut off the alarm but didn’t take my meds. Oops. I couldn’t help it. My mother woke me up a little before 8 to put her socks on. I was really exhausted with this interruption in my sleep. I listened to the ball game. I was watching some of it but it was so humid and I had to go to Walgreens to get some antacid. One of my meds or maybe a combination, is giving me indigestion. I will hold the Zoloft tonight and see if that does anything. I hope I don’t have to stop taking it. My mood is already flimsy at best and I think it helps me cope better than without it.

When I came back from the store, I listened to the rest of the game. Sox won 5-0. JD Martinez hit two home runs. I lost how many games he and Betts have homered twice in a game. Both are tied for most homeruns in the MLB at 15. We are still fricken tied for 1st place with the snakes. Sox are off tomorrow so that sucks. They are going to Tampa Bay to play the Rays. I so dislike that team and park. So fricken loud. Supposedly, they will be building a new stadium somewhere else but it won’t be this season. I don’t remember when the building starts.

I haven’t had a chance to fill my med box for the week so will do that after I finish this blog. I got my postcards ready for the post office. Now I hope I can go there tomorrow. If I do, I will go to Starbucks too. All depends on how tonight goes and if my mother wakes me up early. I am glad she is wearing the socks because they are helping her but getting up to do it after you only slept a little while sucks.

I couldn’t believe how humid it was today. So ridiculous. I hate it and Friday when I go to the game is going to be 82. I am glad we will have good weather but still. I am not a heat person. I hope I can have my brother in law put in the AC and screen this week. I will text him tomorrow. I forgot to ask him when I went downstairs.

Saturday Blog 19 May 2018

Saturday Blog 19 May 2018

I had another rough night. Pain started sometime after 2100 and kept me up most of the night. Around 300, I was getting hungry so I ordered some McDonald’s. I tried their bacon McDouble and wasn’t crazy about it. Next time I will just stick with cheeseburger. It took me about an hour later to get to sleep.

I emailed my psych telling her I was lowering the dose of sertraline as it was again causing me to become nauseous. Past few nights about 5 hours after taking my meds, I would get really nauseous. I just took 50 mg tonight. If I am still nauseous tonight, I will lower it again tomorrow. I was hoping to go to the post office today but when I woke up around 10, I wasn’t in the mood to go out. I had to use the bathroom and brush my teeth so went downstairs. My nephew was there. My mother had the “brilliant” idea of me going to the grocery store I don’t like to get some things. I told her flat out no because walking around the store would cause me a flare later on. She said all I had to do was hold on to the carriage. She doesn’t fucking get it, at all. I told her no and walked away. I then texted my sister that I was done with her. She called me and told her what happened. She was supportive of what I was saying but wanted me to be a little more understanding. Whatever.

I wanted some coffee an hour later. I made it iced as I really like it better than hot. I went back to my room, hoping to read. I only had a few sips when exhaustion overcame me and I went back to sleep for a few hours. My mother called me to find out what I wanted for dinner but I didn’t answer the phone. She made asparagus and eggs. My sisters came up. My youngest sister wanted to see the movie Book Club but couldn’t get tickets for tonight. I think we will be going Tuesday. That should be fun. I can’t remember the last time I went to the movie theater.

Pain had woken me up though I didn’t want to move to take more pain meds. I am so tired of taking pills around the clock. Last night, I was taking my regular meds every 6 hours like I normally do and then taking my breakthrough meds about three hours later. I was having so many different kind of pain all over the side of my foot and ankle. It was kind of cold in my room and I didn’t take note of the barometric pressure. It’s raining today and temps are going to drop tonight. I hope they don’t reach freezing. I had to shut my window after I had dinner. It was freezing in my room. I also had to put on a long sleeved shirt. I think we are just going to have winter and then summer, no spring or autumn.

My laptop needs to restart because of some driver update. I hope I don’t flare again tonight. I canceled therapy for Monday as I don’t know how I am going to be. I really don’t want to see him anymore anyway. I am just not feeling like he is helping me but I am too lazy to put in the effort of finding another therapist. Maybe lazy isn’t the word. I am just tired of rejection.

hard decision but had to be done

Hard decision but had to be done

I had an upcoming appointment with the LGBT clinic for going forward with the transition. A month or so ago the doc had called me wanting to talk to me about making sure my pain was well controlled before starting testosterone. I wasn’t hopeful that things were going to move forward and I had already made plans for my demise. The following week I had the pain doc appt and was told of the med change. I am still fricken waiting for the med change so I figure why bother going forward with transition when a) my pain isn’t going to be relieved and b) I am just going to die anyway. I canceled the appointment. It was extremely hard and didn’t think it affected me until I wrote it out in a tweet. I started crying at the loss that I will continue to be someone I am not.

It hurts more than my CRPS pain to continue to live in this stupid effing body. I know testosterone wouldn’t change my bone structure and even with phallic surgery, I would still be a female. I just hate that I won’t have more facial hair and other stuff to make me a male.

I been having a rough day with pain. I am so tired, physically, from dealing with it. I forced myself to go to the grocery store for some pulled pork. It was well worth the pseudo asthma attack I got with the stinking pollen. I had to have my cousin take me home because I knew walking just wasn’t going to happen. I would hurt so bad and I knew my breathing would have gotten worse. Even while I was home, I showered and I was wheezing while drying off. I had to use my mother’s inhaler to clear my lungs. I’ve never had allergies this bad before. I know the pollen is bad, which doesn’t help. I do take an allergy med and a nasal spray, which I didn’t take this morning. I should have but I usually just take it at night. I honestly didn’t think nothing of it until I was having trouble breathing and I got so congested that I am nearly puking my iced coffee.

Pain was so severe while I was home. I’ve been taking my pain meds but not the strong pill. Mostly because I haven’t had a bowel movement since fricken Sunday. Never fails that I am regular for a few days and then everything stops. I am hurting so bad it is hard to breath. I am just so full and uncomfortable. I had two sandwiches of pulled pork and a chicken cutlet for dinner.

For some reason I was craving pineapple juice. I went downstairs to my sister’s to steal some. I also checked the mail. My correct postcards for my book promotion came in the mail. I posted a pic on Facebook. A dear friend was kind enough to say send her some and she will distribute them where she lives. She works in the mental health field and is so supportive of everything I do. We met ten years ago at a conference and became instant friends. It was funny, we were in a session panel and there was a speaker with a thick accent. I think she was Danish or some European country. I don’t know exactly. We both liked the accent, though it was hard to hear her. We made notes to each other on the notebook that the association had given to us. I still have that notebook with our notes! HAHA. We were just some weirdos that clicked really well.