Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping
I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.
I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.
I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.
I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.
Since Wed’s appointment I have been feeling exhausted. It was a long test and not much came from it except that the doctor switched alpha blockers. I see the NP in a month to see how things are going and if I am voiding. She was very worried about me not going for 18 hours and had me promise to cath if it should happen again. My legs have been sore the past two days and it has been hard to walk. I need to take a shower and haven’t had the energy to. I also need to shave. I got my haircut on Wed and have not taken any selfies because my hair isn’t spiked like I want it. Yesterday I was supposed to get the vaccine but I was just hurting too much. I didn’t sleep because of shoulder pain and my legs were horrible. I just wanted to rest in my bed. Today I had groceries delivered and that took a lot out of me. I was able to take a nap. My appetite has been low the past few days. I have been eating but very little. I had my biscuits with my coffee today and just now had a bowl of cereal. I think that is all I am going to have today.
My neck has been awful all week. I canceled PT yesterday because I hurt too much with my legs. I hated doing it but walking hurt so much yesterday. I am in a lousy mood. Surgery didn’t help me like I thought it did and that is really hard to take. I had a hard time emptying my bladder. The stress of the test left me feeling really tired. I sent a message to my uro to find out if it is the same thing that is wrong, that the bladder neck muscles aren’t working right. I told her I was thinking about botox. I just wanted to research it a little before I said yes.
I had groceries delivered today and then when they were in my room, I just collapsed. I was able to nap for a couple of hours. I need to shave and shower today but I don’t think it is going to happen. My legs just feel really sore. Even though I just woke up from that nap, I feel another sleep is needed. So I probably will be taking a nap before I go to bed for sleep. I don’t care. I am just so bloody exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open. My mother just called to say dinner is ready. I am not hungry so will pass. I just want to lay down and sleep.
Pain, pain, and more pain
I have been severely depressed and in a lot of pain with my shoulder and neck the past few days. Yesterday I went to PT for some more dry needling. She checked my progress and I have improved a lot since first going to her but the pain and sleep have not gotten any better.
A psychiatrist I follow on Twitter told me about some Taylor Swift journals so I had to have them. I just got them today and they are purdy. I can’t wait to write in them. I am still writing in a Harry Potter journal. I haven’t been writing lately. Been so hard for me to write down my thoughts lately. I know it has been a while since I last blogged. I have been really struggling with the depression. Pain has been making the depression worse so it cycles. My therapist thinks that I am in my head too much. I don’t know what that means. I got to ask her when I see her Mon. We are going to do the CBT pain workbook together. I hope that this book will help me.
I emailed my neurosurgeon asking him if my weight restriction could be increased to 15 lbs. Right now I am not supposed to lift more than 5 lbs. He gave me the okay as long as I didn’t get a headache from doing so. I feel like I have made some progress. I still am deconditioned as I brought my groceries up the stairs by myself and got really winded. It took me like six trips because there was six bags. I only bought ten Gatorade. It wasn’t the flavor I wanted but that is ok. I will go to the grocery store tomorrow and get the flavor I like. It is supposed to snow tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes. There is supposed to be some good weather next week so hopefully I can go then if this weekend’s weather is shitty.
I am in so much pain in so many body parts it isn’t funny. Mostly the pain is on my left side. I want to cry. But the tears aren’t coming. It has been so hard to cry lately. I feel like I should, I probably would feel better but I just can’t seem to let myself. I feel like watching old baseball games or Sox highlights of the 2004 and 2007 games so I can cry. It will be the same release, except instead of sad tears they will be happy tears. I am such a wimp. I watched the 2007 series DVD and cried throughout it. I swear I went through a box of tissues.
I just tweeted to the psychiatrist that I got the new journals so now we are having a conversation about how to get another lyric printed. This is so fun. Another therapist friend had a predictive text for therapist and this is what mine said “my therapist told me I am not going to be in a relationship because of my favorite country artist”. HA HA. I love it. I can’t wait to show her on Monday.
Listening to Coldplay
I decided to listen to something different so put on some old Coldplay. I am listening to rush of blood to the head. I love this album.
Yesterday I had therapy and we talked a lot. I was shocked that I was able to have a conversation at that hour. I had a cup of coffee before session so I think that helped wake me up. We talked about partial and how I wanted to continue with it but am not sure my insurance would approve. She said that it is very unlikely that the insurance would not approve of more time. I had a meeting with the therapist of the program and we talked about it. I thought she put in the paperwork for it but turns out she wanted to speak to me before she went ahead to do that. I haven’t heard back from her but it is still early in the day.
I feel like the last few times I have talked to my therapist I have been able to say what was on my mind which is a breakthrough of some sort. I know I wasn’t able to talk much on Monday and had a little shut down because I was overwhelmed with feelings. It still astonishes me that all I could say was “bah” and nothing more. It has been so hard to describe what has been going on recently. Things with my mother have been so difficult trying to take care of her while despising her. Her birthday is this weekend and I plan on signing the card “loving son.” I have to get the message across somehow. Not saying this will be an answer but maybe it will help with the misgendering and wrong pronouns.
I’m still in a lot of pain with my ankle and my back. This morning while having coffee I sneezed and pulled a muscle in my lower back. It is better now but still kind of sore. I am going to try and do a few things in my room today and see if I can do that. I want to put the sheets and blanket on my bed away. But I got to clean a spot for them. I plan to do that after I finish blogging.
Next week I have a lot of appointments. I am meeting with my neurosurgeon and GYN surgeon. Not on the same day but it is going to be a stressful week. I am also meeting with my psychiatrist. I am going to ask him for an increase in the citalopram. The Latuda experiment hasn’t worked to help my mood but has helped the voices, which is why I wanted to be put on it. I think an increase in citalopram might help the depression some. Won’t know until we try. I am on a low dose right now so have room to go up.
I need to take a shower today but I am not sure when. Probably after I finish putting away my laundry. I still have a bag of clothes to wash but I think I am going to keep them in there as I have no place to put them. I have to make an appointment with my eye doctor but I need to see a new one as I don’t like one I have. I think I am going to go to a different place, maybe in Harvard Square. I just got to see if they accept my insurance.
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