Random thoughts 14082020
I’ve had a productive day as I have been up since 4 am. I woke up wicked thirsty and then couldn’t go back to sleep after I drank the Powerade. I’ve been thirsty pretty much all day for some reason. I finished reading the Bell Jar. The book was about suicide and it was pretty graphic at times about it. I am glad I finished another book. I am going to read Dan Rather’s “What Unites Us” next. I started it a little while ago but never went back to it.
After reading the book, I still wasn’t tired so I made an appointment with my barber to get my haircut. I still haven’t showered yet but I think I will as it has cooled off some. I shaved with my electric shaver so I don’t have to again with the razor. There are some spots that aren’t as close as I would like. I will get them tomorrow when I shave again. I want to use a different razor than the one I have been using.
I had therapy yesterday and made some progress in some things. I figured out that she cares about me and wants me to go back on my medication. She was very adamant about this. She said that once I was on a stable dose of my meds I stabilized and she doesn’t want me to destabilize now. The voices are ramping up but are not bothersome. She wants them to be squashed now before they get out of control in a few weeks time. So I told her I would get in touch with my psychopharm and get back on meds. I am taking just 3 mg of paliperidone again. I hope it works to keep the voices in check. I was taking 9 mg before. I just hope I don’t get side effects like I did before. I told the psychopharm I want the smallest dose possible rather than mid to high range dose. I don’t want to experience what I did a few weeks ago. It was awful and I don’t want to feel that way again.
I got cramps this evening and I don’t know why. They just started a few minutes ago. I hate feeling them because I don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder. I am starting to think of getting a hysterectomy so I will know if it is my bladder or not. But I am scared because that means another operation. I am going to talk to my pcp about it when I see him next.
My back has been spazzing all day. I have been taking muscle relaxers but they don’t seem to do anything like they used to. I hope the Ativan works better. I am so fricken tired all of a sudden. I guess my gas has finally run out. I will be going to bed soon and hope I can sleep. I am in pain but it is manageable right now. My foot and ankle are always hurting but lately they have been hurting more. Last night was terrible. I had to take gaba to help quiet things down. Hope I don’t have to take it tonight. But I might as the pain is getting weird. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up like last night.
here is a link to an important article on suicide
Suicide: Say this, not that
what to say to someone that is suicidal. Please learn it and don’t be a dick.
Preparing for surgery
Because of the mayhem Coronavirus is causing, I may not see my therapist next week in her office because of trying to limit people’s exposure coming to the hospital. She may work from home which means we will be talking via Skype or something similar to it. She wanted me to come up with things that could help me reduce my anxiety about my surgery. She said to make lists so I started that. I plan on baking and making my burritos this weekend. I think my sister is going to be making chili so I am not sure how much kitchen time I will have. My nephew has been eating my tortillas so now I just have one package left of them to make my burritos. I asked him twice already not to eat them and it was ignored so I really need to make them soon or I may not have tortillas and I can’t buy more as I have no more money until after my surgery, which is when I get paid next.
I had a major flare last night and I didn’t get to sleep until after 1 am. I then woke up around 7 so I took my meds and put my phone in silent mode so I wouldn’t get disturbed. I took a bunch of my night meds this morning to try and deal with the flare so I slept most of the day, which is what I needed. Now I am kind of awake and it sucks because I can’t get back to sleep. I am too nervous about things so decided to write to see if this would calm me down some.
I sent a message to my therapist about the letters and asked her what I was going to do about them. She said to email them to her and I am not sure if she meant via the patient web thing or actual email. I am hoping my surgery doesn’t get rescheduled because I am already going out of my tree as it is. I am not sure if I will be seeing my psychopharm next week which will suck because I need my Ativan refilled. I plan on locking my meds up before surgery so that no one can get to my meds. I will place them in the locked box that I have. It is bigger than the med lock box I got.
I wanted to get my haircut but my barber has been exposed to the virus so I can’t see him right now, not this close to surgery anyways. All the urine tests that I had done this past week have been sort of negative. I have a few bugs in my urine but nothing to indicate that I have infection. I still have not heard from the doctor yet though to confirm I am okay. I don’t know if she wants to treat it or what. I got word from the catheter supply company where I have been trying to get samples that the representative today got the verbal order that I do indeed cath. This representative has been emailing me the past two weeks trying to get the order through. Nice to know that there is some stop gaps before proceeding to verify my information.
Monday I got the appointment with the public transportation Ride service. I just hope I appear to be more disabled than I am so I can get their services on days it will be too tough to take the T, especially with my upcoming surgery. I have no idea what kind of restrictions will be made. I just know I will have to make sure there is money in my account every month do have this service. It costs like 4 bucks each way so 8 bucks total for the round trip ride. It will be nice to get a ride to the library every so often so I can not be hassled with the T buses. It would take me four buses to get there because I cannot walk up the street to where the library is. The one that is in the Square is close for renovations. I am not sure if it has reopened as I haven’t been down that street since the bridge closed. The book that I took out is due next week but because the city is in shutdown mode due to the coronavirus, I had to renew the date so I don’t get charged late fees. I don’t know when I will be able to return it. I am hoping maybe my niece can do it after school as the high school is right there when things are open again. Probably when the virus is gone but who knows when that will be.
Agony of Despair
I had therapy today. I gave her a letter I wrote the other night when I was in a suicidal frame of mind. She said that my treatment is basically in limbo as I am not sure what the recovery is for after my surgery. There may be a way for me to have a telehealth connection but my insurance doesn’t cover it and she has to fight to get it covered. So I maybe without therapy for a few weeks or more depending the outcome of the surgery. She will be able to see me while I am inpatient but I am not anticipating a long hospital stay. Most I will be in for is a week as they like to kick you out soon as you are stitched up. My recovery is going to be at least through the weekend but again, depends on a lot of factors. What I am thinking may not be accurate but I do know I will be there at least through Sunday, if not Monday. I will need home care and/or rehab services as there is no one to care for me at home so my stay may be longer than Monday.
While we were talking she was joking and then I was joking and then she jumped on me to make sure she was saying was understood by me and I just lost it after that. I broke down and I am still reeling from it. Talk about something stupid setting you off. I didn’t allow many tears to fall but I felt like an elephant had jumped on me after the tears stopped. My chest felt so damn heavy. I told her the psychopharm wanted me to think about ECT and she said no one should be bringing up anything to me right now with the surgery that I am facing. She was looking out for my well being and I appreciated that. She is a really good therapist and I am glad to have her in this point in time. I think I will be able to get some work done but it is going to take some time.
Today is the anniversary of when I first attempted suicide. No one knew and I did a bad job of it but I entered the world of self-harm in the process. The goal was to dig into my arm to sever a vein but I never realized how many layers there are to get to that level. The following night was as traumatic as that night and the following day I entered therapy. It took a lot to get me to open up because my father had instilled in me the “what goes on in the house, stays in the house.” I was too suicidal in the week after the attempt. I just started cutting and it was how I expressed my emotions as I didn’t have words for them. I still don’t. That is what went on today. I felt a jumble of shit and just broke down when I was being hammered by questions. My therapist didn’t allow me to jump ship and if I did she lead me back to where I was. I had an anxiety attack that kicked everything off. We were talking about surgery and the next thing I know I am crying. On the way home I wanted to drink so bad. I was thinking about gin and how drunk I would get but those feelings have passed.
I was telling my therapist about how my blog writing has dwindled and writing in general when she picked up the letter I wrote and said no sir. I guess I have to have some kind of person in mind while writing in order to get the words out because once they start flowing, I can go on. She did say that I started to get into something while I wrote but then I stopped midsentence. I had no idea what she was talking about. I kind of just went with it because I do that so often now that I don’t even notice. I just know I feel some strong emotion and I move onto something else. A friend who was reading my blog the other night commented on it. I had to laugh. He said at least I was aware of it. I am aware but after the fact not during. It is really hard for me to sit. Hell even while having severe anxiety in session I was talking about the Sox and anything else to get over the feelings. I know I compartmentalize a lot. It happens with trauma. I told her to expect a lot of talking about the Sox all season. She wasn’t phased only with me coming to see her to talk about the sox. HA. I talked a lot about baseball in my previous therapies and I will be damned not to talk about it in this one as well.
Thing that is bothering me is that she wants me to write out stuff, either blog, journal, letter writing, etc. but I don’t think she gets how damn difficult it is for me. There have been moments where I cannot write what I am feeling because I am too jumbled or I just cannot find my words. It is like they are there but I can’t “see” them. What is worse is that the Invega is taking away my voices so the inner conversations I always have are lost. Granted if I am feeling high emotions, they are there because they always are. They always have been. I don’t want to become psychotic when I am feeling high emotions because that will be bad and potentially dangerous to me. The voices tend to tell me to end my life when medication isn’t holding them back so if I am in a high state of despair, I may act on what they say.
I am glad the drinking urge has passed and I don’t feel like drinking. I have a quarter of a bottle left and I seriously thought I would finish it off. It wouldn’t take much for me to become drunk or buzzed from alcohol because I don’t drink normally. I might have a glass of wine occasionally but that is all I will have. I don’t usually drink to get drunk but tonight I wanted to. Glad there was a line at Walgreens to distract me from these thoughts/feelings.