failure so I don’t try

Sad that I am in a lot of pain and in a depressed mood same time as last year when I tried to take my life. I am so suicidal but so fearful of being another failure I don’t try. I have been in pain since 0330 this morning when I woke up with shoulder pain. I stayed up for an hour trying to get it to calm down. I can’t remember if I took a BT med or not. I was in agony.

I have been in a lousy mood all day. My friend pissed me off this morning over a misunderstanding. I am so upset with her that I can’t bring myself to talk to her. Then I had partial hospital which was basically just attending groups. I was uncomfortable throughout as my shoulder was still hurting me causing my neck to feel out of sorts. My hamstring in my left leg was hurting me as well. I just felt like the left side of me was just not going to be happy today. My ankle was bothering me but not as bad as the shoulder pain. I just wanted to sleep but I couldn’t because I had group. By the second group, I had enough. I forced myself to a third group and was in agony and full of piss and vinegar throughout the meeting. I just wanted to lay down. I was bored and the group didn’t hold my interest. I am finding it hard to participate in them. I often have nothing to contribute or to add. I don’t relate to anything being said.

After the third group I texted my therapist that I was in a bad mood and we texted for a bit. She didn’t want me to have therapy if I was going to be angry. I thought things over a bit using DBT and realized I was more hurt (physically and emotionally) than angry. That helped diffuse my anger somewhat. I went to therapy and we talked. I told her in two days will be my anniversary of when I last attempted to take my life. I told her of the day and it was similar to what I am feeling today with being in so much pain. I am so depressed but I don’t feel the pressure of suicidality that I did last year. I do have the pills to do the job if I choose to go through with it. But I fear I will be a failure so I don’t try.

I didn’t nap today though I tried. I was just in too much pain and anguish. I was really upset that I was misgendered. Even my therapist misgendered me by accident. She was really sorry she did as it was a typo. The sentence didn’t make sense so I knew it was an error but it still stung just the same. Yesterday my mother called me a girl and it hurt so bad. Then she fell which got me worried so I couldn’t be “angry” at her so much. I hate that caring for her sometimes over takes the feelings I have for her, especially when they are negative. It drives me crazy.

any thoughts?

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