long pt session and other things

Long PT session and other things

I woke up with my arm very sore. I don’t know what I do in my sleep that makes it angry. I had my coffee and my biscuits. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist that I had to be at my PT place for because the times were close together. We talked on the phone because zoom was not a good connection. He agreed to give me the 90 day Latuda and refilled my Ativan script. He thinks my frozen episodes are anxiety related and wants me to try and take an Ativan before it happens or when I feel it coming on. I am glad it is not a medication issue.

PT was not so great. My arm is more sore after seeing her. We went to do the stick exercises and my bicep muscles flipped out. I hurt so much. I thought I was going to cry. The muscles are so tight and sore. I got to put more heat on them. I am to lay off the exercises for tomorrow but to do them half step the following day. The PT said it could take up to four months before I am better. Fuck. I am two months into this so hopefully I am halfway there. The ortho was vague in his notes about how to proceed. I see the shoulder guy next month. Maybe I will get better answers from him. I never broke a bone before so I have no idea what time it takes to heal. I know that lifting my 5lb weights are off limits right now. I will only aggravate the muscles more than they are irritated.

My psychiatrist said that a secretary will be calling to book our next appointment. That if I don’t hear from them in a few weeks to send him a message. I asked if it will be in person and he said no. His department is still virtual due to the new threats. So weird because I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow. I told my PT I was seeing her and she asked how long has it been. I said more than a year and a half. I have my outfit all picked out. I am going to wear my new cardigan with my jeans. I haven’t decided if I am going to wear my khaki colored jeans or blue ones. I will decide tomorrow.

My mother had supper for me when I came home from PT. I had just planned on making a frozen dinner. I had hot dogs and potatoes with an artichoke. It was good. There was also chicken cutlets so I had one. Now I am going to color a dinosaur and post it to Twitter.

It’s 115a

I’ve been in severe pain since 1900 last night. I don’t know what I did to cause this flare. I know part of it is because I was emotional today with the news of my BFF who is like a little brother to me. I love him so much. I wish there was something I could do for him. I am going to try and call him every week just to check in on him.

I’ve been scrolling on twitter most of the night. I did read Medical Apartheid. I finished the ugly chapter I was on about eugenics and how white people wanted to expunge African Americans. This went on until the year 2000 where they set up clinics to sterilize or force them on birth control. One of the campaign sayings was something like better to be an addict than to have a child. Shows how depraved people were about addiction. Rather than deal with the issue, they rather the person suffering from addiction was sterile or on the long term birth control Norplant. Just makes me sick. The next chapter is on radiation and Blacks. I don’t know if I can stomach it. I thought I could read this but it is really sad what these people have gone through after their freedom was given.

I am tired but I can’t sleep due to pain. I’ve already taken what I could. I even took ibuprofen to try and stop the pain. I think I could be hungry but I don’t feel like going downstairs to make something to eat. I would just have cereal though. I found a box of honey nut Chex while I was putting groceries away yesterday. I love that flavor.

Because of my grocery delivery, I canceled my therapy appointment. I won’t have therapy this week. I will see her on Mon. We have a lot to talk about. I should probably write some of it down so I don’t forget. I hate writing stuff down because once it is out of my head and on paper, I forget about it.

I made an appointment for my eye exam in a couple of weeks. It is outside of Boston at a new place. I just hope the doctor is nice. It is in the afternoon so I am not so sleepy. I think there is a bookstore near there so I might go book shopping after.

Saturday Blog 06112021

Saturday Blog 06112021

Today I am dealing with an influx of junk mail being filtered to my inbox rather than junk mail folder. I must have gotten at least a half dozen notifications today so far that are junk. I don’t know what is the problem. I sent a message to outlook hoping to find a reason. It’s jut ridiculous. The emails are all bogus. But I think I got a handle on it as most of the emails are from the same domain.

I sort of woke up when my med alarm went off at 0830. I made the mistake of falling back to sleep and now I feel like all I want to do is sleep. I only woke up once during the night and that was to go pee. I hope when I go for my test next week that it records the urge sensation when I am cathing. It is so uncomfortable to be going about my business cathing and then get an uncontrollable urge to pee. Sometimes my stream becomes stronger and then urine goes everywhere. It is messy and I hate it.

I had a cup of coffee and I might have a second cup soon as I am so fricken tired. I think I am going to heat up the chicken pot pie that I have for lunch. I haven’t really eaten anything today. My mother made zucchini and had a little of that but it was wicked salty.

Ohio State and Nebraska are playing each other in college football. Every year they play each other and every year I am conflicted who to root for because they are my favorite teams. OSU is beating the Huskers right now. I think OSU is going to beat them, again. Nebraska has been holding up some good defense though. It is a close game right now. And OSU wins 26-17!

My damn shoulder is killing me today. I put heat on my ribs as the muscles are sore. My bicep keeps throbbing along with my wrist/forearm. I can’t wait till I see the doc on Monday and they decide what they are going to do. I hope I can delay PT for a few weeks until I get my back PT in. I don’t think I need the full six weeks as usually one to three dry needle sessions is all I need. I start PT on Tues. It is with the same PT that I had earlier this year. She is good and I like her style.

losing hopelessness

Losing hopelessness

The past few months have been weird as my therapist has noticed that I am more future thinking than I was in the past. I attribute this to losing hopelessness. I don’t know when it happened. I started feeling less suicidal and wanting to move forward with my transition. It is unusual for me to think of future thinking such as having top surgery and doing what is required to get it done. I feel like I lost some of my suicidality. I just don’t see things as dark or dire anymore. I have noticed that my CRPS pain isn’t at the high levels it once was and maybe, because the chronic pain isn’t so bad, I have become more hopeful about the future.

It is a strange feeling to go from complete hopelessness to being hopeful in a few months. The depression seems more manageable than it was and so the psychache that I feel isn’t as great. I have gone from feeling suicidal on a daily basis to really only when my pain levels are at a 10 or above. The feelings of not being able to escape have gone away as well. For the first time in my life I feel I have a future. I want to lose weight so I can lose the things on my chest. I can picture myself doing this where it seemed impossible before. I can’t attribute this to one thing because I think it is a combination of things. One is the alliance of my therapist and psychiatrist, possible medication has eased the depression symptoms enough that I can see beyond the horizon and not feel like I am drowning so much. Also better pain control and accepting my physical dysfunctions are now a part of my life that is not going to go away anytime soon. I also think that having a community on social media has helped during the dark times because just when I am at my lowest there are people saying that I matter and that they are glad I am still here. Words like that help when you feel like scum of the earth for no reason or when the pain is so bad all you can think about is death.

I also think music has helped to ease the troubles I have faced. For months now, I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s albums, new and old. Her evermore and folklore songs have brought meaning to me as well as the extra songs in her Fearless (Taylor’s Version) album. To identify with lyrics is powerful and meaningful. The songs help to heal the traumas I have been through as well as heal from past relationships and deal with current ones. In her 1989 album, I found a song that I can relate to my current therapist with that helped to deal with our rocky relationship. This therapist has helped me to see things differently and also to come to the realization that I have serious depression. It is something that I always knew but never spoke aloud before. Working through the severity of the depression has been difficult. I think I have come to terms with it and thus the hopelessness it has given me doesn’t seem to strangle me like it once did.