feeling overwhelmed

Feeling overwhelmed

PT just called to schedule appointments for me. The PT that I have been seeing and really like is leaving the organization so I had to go to another location. I am a bit overwhelmed because the third week in Oct I have appointments nearly every day, and therapy hasn’t been scheduled yet so I am nervous that I won’t have therapy that week.

Since last night my back has been making cracking sounds or feels like it is. I don’t know what is going on. I know I don’t have the bony spine on my vertebraes anymore. They all have been removed except for L1-L2. This was because of all the surgeries I have had this year and in the past. I am nervous that I did something to my back yesterday when my groceries came. I just hope it is just muscles that I am hearing and not bone on bone, though it wouldn’t surprise me if there is bone on bone. My discs have deteriorated so there isn’t much cushioning like there used to be. I see the surgeon in three weeks. I will let him know before then if this continues. My headaches have come back and I don’t like it. I am hoping today’s headache was because of the storms that were passing through. I thought I was going to get a migraine but I didn’t. Tylenol seems to have gotten rid of the headache (and eating something too).

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be going over this overwhelm with her. I hate when I have so many appointments back to back. I hope I like this new PT. I don’t know if it is the one my PT recommended I see or not. She is supposed to send me an email tomorrow about it. I am just glad I don’t have to call the ride to get to the place. I can just take the bus as it is down the street from me. I just need to make sure I have enough money on my T pass. I will make sure I do have enough when I get my haircut tomorrow. The Train station is right there near my barber’s shop. I just hope I remember.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but my cousin bailed on me. He said that he wasn’t feeling good. It’s ok because I need to rest my back anyway after dealing with groceries on Monday. My legs are still hurting me from going up and down the stairs.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to change medications. I will be starting Latuda tonight and decreasing the Invega. I forgot how he wanted me to decrease the Invega so I sent him a message. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I am just halving the dose tonight and then stopping it come the weekend. Hopefully I won’t have too many side effects. I really hope that it works for me and doesn’t cause weight gain.

This weekend I will be posting transition pics as Saturday marks my second anniversary of being on T. Will be interesting to see the changes. I know there have been a lot. I am more hairy for one. My facial hair has come in nicely. I love that my mustache is more pronounced than it had been. It is darker and thicker. What bothers me is that I have hair on my chest but it is on my stupid breasts. I hate that. I feel like a hairy woman sometimes rather than a man. I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look. I still feel ugly. I can’t help but hate the way my face is. Sometimes I can look at myself and see the changes and other times I can’t stand to see myself.

Grocery Day

Grocery day

I had my groceries delivered today. I tried taking them up the stairs by myself but I couldn’t. I had to have my nephew help me. I did way too much and am now paying for it with back spasms and pain. I just hope I didn’t do anything to compromise myself. I am just four weeks post op. I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I was stupid to think carrying the bags was a great idea. I was winded after my first trip up the stairs. Today was warm and muggy which didn’t help me at all. I was sweating like a pig.

I had a late delivery because it was the only time that they had open. I ordered my groceries late because I woke up late yesterday. I was glad there was still open for today. I am resting now with the AC going. I think I will take a nap. I haven’t eaten anything all day except leftovers. It wasn’t really filling. I don’t know what to order. I might order from a local sub shop and have a pastrami sub with fries.

Last night I printed off the skill sheet of DBT that my therapist gave me. I have been trying to do it but doing it in spurts. She never responded to the message I sent her so I am not that keen on doing them daily like she wants me to. I see her Thursday. Tomorrow I see the psychiatrist. I had asked for a med increase and he wanted to see me so I agreed. Voices have settled down some. I still have the stupid music running through my head constantly. OMG it is all Hamilton music and it shuffles songs. I am tempted to listen to the soundtrack again to make it stop temporarily. Listening to music tends to hold off on it. It is driving me crazy because it repeats all the time from the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed. All fucking day long I have music in my head. And it plays like I have the MP3 player going. It is annoying but no medication has helped settled it down. It kind of did when I was on a high dose of the Invega. I don’t want to be on a high dose again. Too many side effects that I don’t like. I will stay on the dose I am on now. If it doesn’t work then I will switch to something else. I don’t want to increase it.

I couldn’t find the sub shop so I ordered Chipotle. I haven’t had it in so long. It will be good to have some rice and beans with steak. I love their burrito bowl. It is my favorite next to their actual burrito. I might get it later this week when I get my haircut. I haven’t decided which day I am going to go. Might be Thursday as my therapy appointment is in the late afternoon. I can go in the late morning and still be home in time.

Friday’s Thoughts 25092020

Friday’s thoughts 25092020

I went out for the first time since my surgery. My mother needed an errand done and I volunteered to go so I could go to Starbucks. I had a cloud caramel macchiato and a pumpkin scone, which I will have tomorrow morning for breakfast. It took me a while to get home because I had to take two buses but it was great to get out. I am wicked tired from the outing but that is to be expected. I am still not 100% recovered from surgery and I am definitely deconditioned. It is going to take a while for me to recondition myself to things. Tomorrow I am going out with some friends. We will be ordering from a restaurant and then watching a movie. It should be a good hangout session.

I got in touch with my psychiatrist after I wrote to him this morning about the voices being ramped up. He agreed to increase the Invega to 6 mg a day. He then wants to check in early next week. I had a hard time trying to sleep last night because of pain and insomnia. I didn’t go to sleep till 5 am this morning. My mother woke me up with her request to do the errand. It wasn’t until noon time so I had enough sleep. I am really tired after the outing so I think I am going to try and make it an early night tonight. I am not going to listen to the ballgame. That just gets me excited. I listened to last night’s disaster game until the 4th inning. I had to shut it off as the pitching just fell apart. They lost 13-1 last night, their last home game of the season. There are only three games left in the season for the Sox. I am sad that it is over but glad it is because they really sucked this year. They are in last place, again.

I tried making an appointment with PT today but got their voicemail. I left a message but haven’t heard back. I probably will on Monday. I hope to have the cramp decrease this go round with them. That was one of the reasons why I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept on having cramps in my back and pain. Today I am sore and my lower back is hurting but I think that is from all the walking I did today. My ankle isn’t happy with me either. It started up a couple of hours ago and hasn’t settled down. The pain meds helped some but not all of the pain. Nothing ever takes away all the pain.

I am excited to see my friends tomorrow. It has been nearly a year since I last saw them because of this stupid pandemic. I am glad we are ordering from the restaurant rather than having a sit in it. I am kind of paranoid about being in restaurants these days. If we were going to a restaurant, I probably wouldn’t be seeing my friends. I just don’t want to risk getting infected. I just hope my ankle settles down by the time I wake up tomorrow and I get some decent sleep tonight.

tough past few days

Tough past few days

I’ve been hit with severe depression and hopelessness the past few days. I had my appointment with the new pain doc and it was discouraging. I felt like they felt I was too at risk for management because of my psych condition and past suicidal history. They were to discuss options with my primary care doc and then make some decision. I honestly don’t care to go back to see them. I am seeing their pain psychologist for some coping stuff specific to pain. I think that will be good. I don’t see him until the end of Oct.

I had the meeting with my PCP today. He didn’t say anything of what the pain docs said. I told him I was discouraged because of the way they are treating my mental illness. He didn’t say too much other than he was sorry that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been such a long process. I am not sure when I will see him again.

I also had a meeting with my therapist today. It was a tough session, she really pushed me and I was not really in the mood for pushing. I wanted to leave at least three times but I stuck it out. I asked her what to do when I get into these horrible moods so she gave me a DBT handout on some skill. I have to print it out so I have it in front of me. She wants me to work on this skill every day. We’ll see if that happens. I am not so great in doing homework, especially when there is no follow up with it. We talked about how hopeless I have been feeling. I told her I felt like crawling under a rock and staying there. She just agreed with me with an ok.

Because I was two hours early for my pain doc appointment, I started listening to Hamilton. I finished listening to it tonight and the ending always makes me sad. Watching the movie, which I haven’t in months, I would cry. Just seeing the emotions on the stage were enough to get me to feel.

I shaved and showered tonight before the Sox game. It was a disaster by the 3rd inning so I turned off the radio app. It was interfering with my writing. I kept blanking out as I was listening to the game. So hard to write when you are listening to something. I can listen to music just fine but a ball game or a musical and it’s tough writing.

Back is thanking me for showering and shaving right now. It is cramping up big time and hurts. All I can do is take Tylenol and Advil. My pain meds don’t really work for the cramping. I do take the Zanaflex but I think it is losing its effectiveness or I might be becoming tolerant to it. It still makes me sleepy though.