Tag Archives: transgender

Swirl of Things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

Swirl of things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

If you are a daily reader, I apologize for not writing for a few days. I’ve been in a lot of pain and yesterday I had my cousin’s wedding. It went well. My ankle is still swollen from last night and I have the concert to go to tonight. I am wicked worried. But I don’t want a ticket to go to waste. I had some difficulty going to sleep and slept pretty hard when I finally did. Least until my damn med alarm went off at 7. I had changed the time because I was up early one morning and never changed it back. Dumb move. I fell back to sleep okay and thought I was going to sleep the day away. I really wanted to. But my bladder wouldn’t have it.

I got up and had coffee. Then my mother made grilled cheese for lunch. My sister wants to go to some Mexican restaurant where the concert will be so that should be fun. I love Mexican food. I am always up to trying new stuff. I know the burritos and stuff is so much different than Taco Bell, lol. I hope I won’t be in too much pain. I managed okay at the wedding with taking BT meds. I mostly drank water the whole night. I didn’t want soda. I did have one coke but that was it. I didn’t want to go to the bar. I took some pictures and when I showed them to my mother, she said I didn’t take a picture of the dress. I thought the person IN the dress was more important! She was absolutely beautiful. All my cousins were and my aunt, the mother of the bride. I talked with my cousin, the oldest sister of the bride. She looked stunning. Her hair was done up and she hated it. I liked it. We laughed about it. I took a picture with her. I really don’t have any pictures with them. It is something I regretted when my uncle died earlier this year so I when I am together with them, I try to take a picture. I didn’t much talk with the lunatic and she didn’t talk to me. I didn’t care. We sat at different tables. I was grateful. I did feel bad for my cousin’s wife who sat next to her as it looked like she was talking her ear off.

The ride home was a lot faster than getting there. There was a bunch of fog so we took it slow until we got to the highway. We couldn’t see more than two feet in front of us. My ankle was so done. We had this incline to get to the parking lot and I knew if I tried it, I was going to hurt so went down some stairs and walked to the car. It was better to be on level ground. The place was so beautiful. It was a castle and just majestic. I didn’t take any pictures. I didn’t think of it. Oh well.

I canceled my therapy appointment for Monday. I might have to reschedule my appointment with PT, depends on how I do tonight. I know I am bringing my cane with me. I didn’t wear the air cast for my sprain. It seems okay though it is kind of sore right now. I haven’t decided if I will wear it tonight. We will be leaving in a couple of hours. I want to shower but I know it will take some energy I will need tonight. I still have no idea what I am going to wear for a T shirt. I am in a white shirt right now but I am not wearing that out. I just wear white as an undershirt or for around the house.

The dress shirt I wore was perfect but I hated the things on my chest. It would have fit better if I didn’t have those fucking things. God, do I hate them. Makes me want to get a sharp knife and cut them off. I am scared that if I ever did do it, the surgeon would reattach the things. That would piss me off! I just got to wait for top surgery, which is so fucking long!!

Humidity is going to be ugly today. I really, really, really cannot wait for a temp of 70 or so without fucking humidity!! But summer isn’t over yet and then we’ll probably have an Indian summer so AC stays in! It probably will stay until November. I think I took it out the beginning of Dec last year. I didn’t use it for a month but the colder weather started so I needed to out to keep my room warm. That is when I broke my screen. Oops. I have fixed it though. My brother in law will put it in when he takes it out. I tried putting the sucker in, but my arms are too short to really reach where it needs to go. I also don’t have the strength to do it. It is not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I am debating on having my brother in law take it out of my room or not. I really want a new AC for next year. I am saving up for it now. I have about 6 months to save and I think I can do it, if I don’t get impulsive or have my painsomnia spending sprees. That was kind of crazy. I am glad they have stopped since I am on the new meds.

I might write tomorrow but not sure. Depends on how I feel. Hopefully I won’t be in horrible pain the next few days. But I planned a few rest days so hopefully that will help.

Feeling tired after a long day

Feeling tired after a long day

I woke up early, a few hours before my alarm because I had to move but it was not easy. I was in pain from the position I was in. I turned over carefully and slightly went to sleep, only to wake up because that position caused my elbow to hurt. I moved it to stop the hurt then my med alarm scared the shit out of me when it went off. I was not expecting it at that moment. I got up to take my meds and use the bathroom. I have no idea if I brushed my teeth or not. I was so groggy and just wanted to sleep but I had stuff to do.

I went back to my room and laid down for a bit. Then I remembered I had to do an errand for my mother and I cringed. I had to get up now if I wanted to shave my head and get ready to go out. I did and left the house around 11. I didn’t get home till around 1730, a good 6 hours or so later. I swear my ankle had gone out on me at least two times. When I got to my psych appointment, I had to take off my aircast.

The orthotist fixed my brace a little bit. He gave me some moleskins and some sticker things for the grummets so they wouldn’t cause me sores. He encouraged me to find a taller sock but I think I have a few old socks that I can just cut the foot off and use the tube part so the AFO rubs against that rather than my leg. It will add some worth in the winter months. Not so great in the heat though, should we have another heat wave burst. I had woken up with my back aching because the temp dropped like 20 points. My spine didn’t like that one bit. It is supposed to be in the 70’s the rest of the weekend and I hope I can bake.

After I saw the brace clinic, I went to get Thai food for lunch. I almost ate the whole thing. What I have left is just a snack. I thought I would eat it after my psych appointment but I was still full. My psych appointment went well, though our next appointment won’t be in a month. I am shocked. I said I can still contact you, right? She said yes. She refilled my scripts. She was worried about my weight as it was up a few pounds since last year. I am not worried because it goes up and down. I have been gaining and losing the same five pounds for years. Since the Invega I did gain a little but I seemed to have leveled off. I just haven’t been successful in losing weight, which is hard to do when you can’t walk. We talked about weight and she wanted me to get weighed the next time I see my PCP. I told her I would. I hate getting weighed. It always leads to uncomfortable conversations. I have no idea how to diet or “eat right”. A friend of mine said that I should cut carbs. I have no idea how as I eat a lot of bread. She said that instead of having two slices of toast, eat one. Being Italian, bread is like part of the 4 food groups. We have bread with almost every meal. I have been trying but it’s hard to break out of the habit, especially when my mother or sister buys bread that is fresh from the bakery. Last night I had crackers with cheese. Crackers are carbs. So see, I got a carb problem, but the human body needs carbs so…I am stuck with weight.

I asked my psych if I could go ahead with the transition now that my pain is somewhat controlled. It might not be what I want it to be but it is better. I just wish the flares and ankle give outs would stop. So Monday I will be calling the LGBT clinic and making an appointment with the doc I was seeing there. I just hope they have an appointment that isn’t in Nov. I don’t think I can wait that long, again.

Still emotional, thanks gender dysphoria

My pcp is still a dickhead. I asked him if he would fill my female hormones and his nurse said sure what is it. I answered now I have to see the repro endo doc. He doesn’t want to do it. Fucking asshole. I’m still a wreck from yesterday and hate, absolutely HATE having to still take these hormones because my Testosterone therapy got pushed back because of him. Almost a year now he has been dicking me around, one thing after another. I am so sick of it. Am I supposed to just see him for cough and colds? It is looking that way. I don’t need a referral for my insurance so if I want to see a specialist, I am just going to. No point in seeing him first. Just a waste of time I could use to make an appt with the specialist.

Saw the pain program doc today. He is okay. Can’t comment more as all he did was repeat my medical history and type really fast. He wants me to continue to see my pain doc and I told him I might not as he is reluctant to increase my meds to give me some quality of life. How I am supposed to work in this program with horrendous pain, I have no clue. I also need to get a PT eval for my thigh as the program PT is 2 months away. I can’t wait that long. I am going to email my current PT and see what she says but I don’t think I can see two PTs at once. So fucking frustrating.

I had to make a pit stop to the Square because the bus that would take me home was longer than the bus to the square. I don’t care, though my sprain ankle is hurting. I didn’t wear the brace because I didn’t want to be bothered taking off two braces. I’m wearing 2 different sneaks and don’t fucking care.

I had a snickers latte today because I need it goddamn it!! Also had something to eat because of the emotional stuff. I feel better now. I need some protein bars. Getting irrational when I don’t eat is getting more frequent. Hope my diabetes test comes back within normal limits. My psych ordered it but I haven’t had a chance to get it drawn yet. Might get it done tomorrow if I am not up at the crack of dawn. My therapist is back from vaca. I see him tomorrow and I can’t wait. Got a lot to talk about.

My mother needed some things today so as I am out, I got to get them for her. I am going by that way so no big deal. I will get some protein bars with her cash as I am broke until tomorrow.

When i see my psych next i am going to ask her if i can go back to the LGBT clinic for T therapy. I just hope i don’t have to start the whole process over. It will send me over the fucking edge.

20 Aug 2018

20 Aug 2018

I went with my mother to her doctor’s appt. The ride to the doc’s was late. My mother got the return time mixed up. She thought it was later and it wasn’t so the driver wasn’t happy. Then we went to the bank to deal with some issues and we were there for nearly two hours. It was hard on my mother and I. She did okay going home and up the stairs. It was dinner time so I heated up some gravy and she wanted raviolis. They were good but later we both had a bowl of cereal as we were still hungry. I didn’t have anything to eat today except for a crumpet with my coffee.

My mother upset me today. We had gone to the bank to have them change my name on the accounts we share. She asked me why I changed it and I said I wanted a more male name. She said I wasn’t male, I was female. OMG, I wanted to fucking die. I was already having a hard time this week because of the things on my chest and here she is telling me the obvious by pointing to the incorrect body parts. I swear every time she said daughter today I wanted to say no, son, but I didn’t. It hurts so fucking bad that she does this. And I can’t write anymore as I am upset.

Twitter Rant: Body Dysmorphia

Twitter Rant: Body Dysmorphia

I am having serious body dysmorphia because I am literally stuck in my female body and I want to be a male. but due to my pain condition, I can’t have T to move forward with my transition. I want top surgery but can’t have it because of $$$. I have had bought of severe suicidality today because I am in the wrong fucking body. then I found out someone reported a tweet to twitter because I was suicidal. twitter didn’t tell me what tweet it was so I don’t fucking care anymore. I am tired of people being “scared” of the word “suicide”. You know, people used to be afraid of the word cancer. they thought that saying the word would give them the disease. this was back in the 1800s and early 1940s or so (guessing here) but guess what, you cannot get cancer from talking about it the same fucking way that if you talk about suicide, it will NOT LEAD TO SUICIDE!!! Talking about suicide, least for me is to let off steam. I suffer from chronic suicidiality and need an outlet. Twitter is my outlet if suicide upsets you, maybe you should find another platform to use. or better yet, don’t follow me or even better, MUTE the word so it doesn’t pop up in your timeline. I am sick of being reported. I know what to do should I feel like ACTING on my thoughts/feelings I have the emergency numbers and I can call my psychaitrist 24/7 if I need to. and, get this, I know where there is an emergency room where I can be admitted if that feels like I should be right now. Suicide doesn’t mean end of life when talking/venting about it. so, yea, today has been a hard day because of my damn things on my chest. I wore a tank top in public for the first time and I will never wear one again because I felt too exposed. I didn’t feel manly. I felt like a fucking female. and it hurts. it fucking does and if you don’t understand it, get off my fucking timeline. I am not going to explain how I feel like an asshole because I am in the wrong body