Tag Archives: transgender

Gender Dysphoria

I am having a hard time right now. My brain is playing games with me. My stupid female breasts are hurting me a lot tonight. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was going to have my menses soon. The weigh so heavy for some reason Maybe it is because of the pain.

I vant decide if I am male or female. I know I am a male but all my body parts are female. I am so distraught. It is making me tearful. I have no one to talk to that understands. I have one friend on FB that is trans ftm. I only met him because I met his mother through a mutual game we were playing at the time. Weird how things play out.

I know the pain will pass, eventually. I just hate it as it is just a reminder of who I am not.

There is a homeless guy by the Starbucks that I go to. Every time he sees me he misgenders me. Lately he has been calling me “lady”. Screw you pal, now you aren’t getting my extra buck when I have it. I hate my body so much. And having these painful things on my chest doesn’t make me like it any better. I hate being trapped in this shell.

I see the LGBT doc next week. I don’t know how it will go. It will be our 2nd appt. I need a minimum of three before being considered for hormone therapy. So frustrating. Wish I could have top surgery tomorrow and be done with these fuckers that hurt. Like I need more pain in my life. Just hate myself so much right now. I wish I was dead.

Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.

LGBT appt and other things

LGBT appt and other things

I woke up early this morning to see the LGBT doc. I was nervous about it. I got there and I had to have them change my name. I thought I had my insurance card on me and I didn’t. They had the right info though so didn’t need it, it was just my name that needed changing. I liked the doc. He answered my questions and said that because I had a history of bipolar, he needed to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist. He also said that it will be a few appointments before I get started on hormones. I already figured that. He said that testosterone might increase mania. He asked if he wanted to transfer my primary care there and I was hesitant. I told him I was on pain meds and he said he had no problem taking over. I am not happy with my current PCP so I took a chance and said okay. Now I got to let my PCP know he is fired.

I have an appt with the new doc in seven weeks, which is more than what my pain meds would be for another refill. I would have to keep my current PCP a little longer. I see him the week before the appt with the new doc so I will tell him I am planning on transferring then.

I have been in so much pain since I came home. Because I was up early, I have been trying to sleep but dammit, half my ankle and foot go berserk every time I lay down. The last time, the pain was so painful and indescribable, I just started crying. The pain then caused my shin muscles to cramp up. I needed to get the heat pack and of course my bladder forced me downstairs because it had to be emptied. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to go down another flight of stairs to use my sister’s bathroom. There was no way I could hold it long. When my bladder says it is time to go, it’s time to go.

I hope I am not up all night in pain. I am so tired of sleepless nights. I might try finishing the baseball book. I just don’t know if I have the brain power. I feel so foggy from being sleep deprived. I think tomorrow I am just going to rest. I am not going to do a damn thing. I’ll try and change my sheets Sunday. I might make the zucchini bread then too. I don’t know. I know that anything I do gives me pain. A member of my support group says I should walk when in severe pain. OK. That doesn’t help me.

When I came home, it was freezing in my room because it was windy out. I had tried to nap but the wind was so bad it was rattling the doors in my room, and they were closed! It was scaring me so I had to close the window. Now my room is hot again. My foot has now gone from indescribable pain to burning. I really don’t want to take the Neurontin because I think it causes dizziness the next day. I don’t know why it is causing this now as I have been taking it for years. I only took 600 mg last night. I usually take more.

One thing that stands out from the LGBT doc is that he asked me if I had any Narcan. It is a drug used to reverse the effects of opioid overdose. I told him I was never prescribed this med. He said he would as I could accidently overdose. Although I have often felt like taking a handful when my pain is bad, I don’t take more than I should. I take my two tabs every six hours or so follow by the strong pain pill if I need it a few hours later. I am very careful with my meds, all of them, not just the opioids I take. The only med I might take more of is the Neurontin. But I haven’t been doing that lately because my appetite is out of control the next day. I have also gained a lot of weight the past two months. I hate it. I feel so yucky. I hate myself for letting myself get so fat. I’ve been trying to cut back but there are days when I only eat one meal and then there are days where I am always hungry. I can’t win with these meds. The testosterone might cause weight gain too. I don’t know what I am going to do about that. It could just be more muscle than fat but in my mind, more weight just is an issue regardless. It’s not like I can go to a gym and workout. I would love to go back on a treadmill or even walk to the train station like I used to as either one is about 1 mile from my house. I really miss walking. If you are abled bodied, please don’t ever take walking for granted. You never know when it will be taken away from you.

Can anyone understand??

Can anyone understand?

So flipping fed up. After I made my squash and was putting it away my whole ankle and foot seized up. Told my mother I wasn’t sure how I was going to go upstairs. She says I need to rest until the pain goes away. Frack!! Really? I could rest for days and it will still hurt. Then she says I go up and down the stairs sometimes like it is nothing. No. It still fracking hurts. I still have pain. Then she says not to yell at her, it’s not her fault. JFC. So fucking done. Taking an Ativan. Can’t deal anymore!! No one fricken understands. If resting worked, I should be cured by now.

I watched cat and dog videos after I sent this to my psychiatrist. I am just having a bad pain day. I am so stressed out. I am worried about tomorrow as I will be seeing a new doctor. I have no idea how it will go. I have been trying to stay together just for this appointment. If it goes poorly, I don’t think I can handle it. I feel like there is no understanding anymore. I am skeptical this doc will allow me to get hormones to be the man I know I am. It is just so difficult. I have chronic pain that is driving me insane and the walk I got to take tomorrow to get to the building is a ways from the station. I plan on making a detour so I can get my Starbucks before the appointment. I wish someone was going with me but at the same time I don’t think I could handle company. I have no idea when the bus will come as I usually don’t take it that early in the morning. My appt is at 0830 and I got to be there early as my name has changed since I was there. I have decided not to use Medicare as my insurance, just keep my BCBS. I think it will be easier that way. I am paranoid that if I use Medicare for my transition, I might be on a list of some kind and the government will get me as long as Cheeto is in “charge”.

I made the butternut squash, as I said before. I used too much brown sugar so it is really sweet. I used half a cup. I should have went with a quarter. Oh well. It was still good. My mother is making a stir fry tonight with rice so I will have it as well. I bought a Pyrex loaf pan with a lid so I can make the zucchini bread and have a place to store it. My mother is using both her cake storage containers so I don’t have a place to store the bread once I make it. I will see how I am Saturday, though I plan on changing my sheets then. All depends if this pain settles down some. I can function if it is below a 7. Right now it is close to a 13 and am just crying. I took my pain meds though I didn’t want to. I really don’t think they work for me anymore. I am just dependent on them. Either that or my pain has just been so bad there is nothing to take for it. It is a new pain, not my normal kind of pain, that I have been experiencing.

I emailed Dell to find out if I could get a memory upgrade or if I am stuck with what I have. I think I can upgrade my hard drive but I am not sure. If I can’t use the memory that I bought, I will sell it on Amazon or someplace. I doubt I can return it. Still mad at myself that I bought a cheap laptop to stay cheap. I only need more RAM so I can run Facebook without the memory flag going off. So stupid.

I think I am going to put on some lidocaine. It might not help 100% but it might just bring my pain down to bearable. Fucking 13 is not fun. I seriously am thinking of cutting it off, and probably would if I had the implements to do it.

I forgot to take my morning blood pressure pills when I woke up this morning. I will take the night dose. I have been checking my BP to make sure it doesn’t get high or low and to keep an eye on my pulse.

screwed up with my laptop

Screwed up with my laptop

My RAM for the laptop came in. I took the laptop apart and found that there were no memory slots. I emailed Dell and they said the unit came like that. WTF. I am going to see if I can return it. No use in having it if I can upgrade it. In the process of fiddling with it, I somehow caused the mouse to become non-functional. I will have to take it apart again and see what I messed with. A wire might be loose or something.

I went for blood work this morning as my psychiatrist wanted to check my chemistries. Everything came back within normal limits. The phlebotomists sucked. They stuck me twice and were poking with the needle. Assholes. I wasn’t feeling like picking a fight with them so I just let it be. I was tired and hungry and just wanted to leave. My foot has been bothering me all fricken day. I canceled physical therapy. I am so tempted to cancel my remaining appts. I am just fed up with being in pain and nothing really helping. It’s really hard to do the home exercise routine when you are in pain worse than you were the day before. I am trying to do at least one thing but that doesn’t always happen. I keep blaming myself for this, which I know isn’t helping but at the same time I can’t help but think I am not trying. Yet if I am able to go to Starbucks for the day, then that is something more than just doing some exercises.

Can’t believe in two days I see the LGBT doc. I am really nervous about it. I keep imagining the worse, which is him saying no, I can’t have hormones ever. That will just crush me. I know there might be some hinderances, especially with my damn current reproductive system that may or may not cause delay. My biggest fear is that I will need an MRI to check my pituitary before I start hormones. I hate brain MRIs worse than back MRIs. I am a little claustrophobic and because they have your head in this cage thing, just makes it worse.

I need to change my bed sheets this weekend. It’s a chore I fricken hate with a passion but needs to be done. The foam topper is sliding off the mattress and because of the nice straps I bought, they are keeping the sheet in place, which makes it hard to move the foam back in place. It is very annoying.

I need to make the vegetables that I bought last week. I really want to make the butternut squash and mash it with brown sugar and butter. I’m not sure what to do with the zucchini. I wanted to make chocolate zucchini bread but my mother is using both her cake holders. I won’t have a container to put the bread in when it is done. I might cut it up and put it in Tupperware containers or something. Depends on how I feel tomorrow as I don’t want to be hurting all day tomorrow as I need to get up early Friday morning for the doc appt. I will be going in the opposite direction of the Square as I need a different train to get to the doc’s office. It is right by Fenway Park, which I will drool a little bit as baseball season is around the corner. Seemed like forever for it to come. Just two weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting. Going to be an interesting season with the new manager. Man, I miss baseball. I need to finish the history book I am reading. I only have two chapters left. I wanted to read one this afternoon but my damn laptop distracted me. I will read one before bed. So much for reading 1 book a month. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to do this.