I’ve been out to my family since I wrote my memoir in 2014. I didn’t tell my mother until 2017 when I legally changed my name. She first accepted me and then when the paperwork came, she didn’t want to call me my name and insisted I was still her daughter. Fast forward to now.
In Dec, she was diagnosed with cancer. In the beginning of March, she finally called me son. At first, I thought it was because I kept on telling the medical staff I was her son. But then she really shocked me when she told my aunt, unprompted, that her son was here. We never talked about it. I didn’t know how to feel because she was dying. She died a month ago on Apr 4th. I am proud she finally accepted me. Just wish it didn’t take till her dying for it to happen. I still am conflicted and sore.
Anyways, that is my story
Tag: gender dysphoria
Headaches are back
When I was in the psych hosp in mid-October, I started getting sharp headaches in the middle of the night. They were so bad, I thought my brain was splitting in two. After about 15 mins they would go away. I thought they were migraine activity so I took migraine meds for them but it didn’t help. This morning, I woke up with the same headache. The initial pain went away but now there is this ache around my head.
It’s 6am. I had to go pee as my headache woke me up. I am staying up because why not. I am listening to Taylor’s version of Fearless. One of my favorite albums. I am listening via ear buds as I don’t want to wake up anyone. I am debating on making coffee.
Last night, I got really upset, mostly at myself. I gave my mother dinner and she went to the fridge by herself. I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t watch her. Then as she leaves the kitchen she asks if she took her insulin. Fuck. I don’t know if she took it while she was at the fridge or not. My middle sister reprimanded me when she found out, saying I have to watch her all the time. Uh, sorry I don’t have eyes in the back of my head! I go upstairs kicking myself for not being aware. Then my baby sister calls me and tells me it is important to watch her. WTF. I hung up on her saying I am not going to be reprimanded by the two of you. I already felt bad. I know it is important my mother takes her insulin. I am not an idiot. I am getting burned out taking care of her all the time. Yesterday I just wanted to stay in my room and do nothing but read my book and maybe write. I was able to read my book but I really didn’t write like I wanted to. I had gotten so fed up I wanted to go for a walk but I did curls with weights instead. That helped.
I have therapy today. Definitely going to talk about this, the burnout not so much the incident with the insulin. I care for my mother but at the same time I want to get away from her. Her not respecting my pronouns is one part of it. Just bothers me so much. This weekend I’ve been really sensitive as the gender dysphoria has been in high gear.
Today I’m going to try to just drink Ensure in an effort to lose some weight. I’ve gained five pounds because I haven’t been watching what I eat. Eating a whole pizza didn’t help matters. I want to lose at least fifteen pounds before my surgery. I have to start putting a serious effort into this. It is so hard for me to diet because soon as I say the word, I hit the bad foods. I hate dieting but if I want to lose weight, I have to do something.
I wasn’t sure I was going to have therapy today because my mother was having pain upon breathing and needed oxygen. She was having pain all over and rated it as a 20. Thankfully some ibuprofen calmed things down. I had therapy but told my therapist I needed to have the phone near me in case my niece texted she needed me. We talked about the care my mother needs and again about her misgendering me and not accepting me as a male. I am really trying to not let it get to me but when I have gender dysphoria like I’ve had the past few days, it is harder to let things go.
My sister told my mother if she wasn’t feeling that good that she should go to the hospital and my mother “magically” felt better. She ate lunch and was moaning a little bit but not as bad as the morning. I was glad she was feeling better even though she was still on oxygen. I made some chicken breasts for my lunch and for my mother so she could have chicken salad if she wants tomorrow.
My leg is hurting me for some reason. It keeps cramping when I lie down. Been trying to stretch it out. I just took some more Robaxin for some relief as my chest muscles hurt as well. I am so fucking tired. The added stress of this morning didn’t help matters. Hope I can rest tonight and read a chapter of the cognitive therapy book. Got to keep my intellectual brain working.
twitter rant 07022022
I got my blinders on and my anxiety has taken the reins. We were able to talk about it. I got one of the reins back but not the other one. I am so set on disappointment that my suicidality is in only mode which is a huge red flag. Therapist knows this even though I am being vague. She said psychologically I am ok to have the surgery but that doesn’t mean my physiology is ok, meaning the damn BMI may hinder surgery. I need to wait till April 19th with this weight of anxiety on me and suicidality. Every day is going to be hard and this dysphoria doesn’t help. Hating my body because I am not a male is killing me. I want to be flat chested and I don’t care if I have nipples or not. That isn’t important to me. Having the breast tissue gone is what is important to me. I won’t have bottom surgery because my privates don’t work right as it is. Taking out my clit and vagina doesn’t appeal to me. I actually like them so they are staying. Uterus is gone so no more periods to worry about. But if my size is what is going to keep this breast on, I am dead. I have it all planned out. Which is why I am trying to remain hopeful it will go ok and I won’t be rejected. If I have to wait due to damn covid fine. But if I have to wait because I need to lose 40lbs. Nope. Nice knowing you all. Blinders are saying this. I need More options or the entrapment I feel will suffocate me. Constriction and perturbation is high. That is all I will say for now.
Three weeks post op hysterectomy
Three weeks post op hysterectomy
I had an appointment to see my surgeon this morning and got up late. I just finished my coffee when I had to rush to get dressed and out the door to catch the bus. I was right on time for the appointment as the bus was late. The surgeon and I talked about my bladder and how things were going. I said I feel like I am being controlled by my bladder because I am so aware of it all the time and on a schedule to go. She said this wouldn’t be forever and to resume taking the tolterodine for bladder control. She said that while operating she could see that my bladder was inflamed from the nerve damage. We also talked about increasing the Neurontin. She agreed that taking it would help with the pain so I will be taking a dose in the afternoon and at bedtime. She also said that if I have a big day to take an ibuprofen before leaving for it. She wants to see me in four weeks unless something comes up beforehand.
I came home from the appointment and ordered Chipotle for lunch. I emptied my bladder but there wasn’t a lot of urine. I tried again after I ate and still nothing significant. I took some pain meds as I am in pain and the bladder is empty. I took a short nap kind of sitting up on the bed and my back didn’t like it. So now my back hurts.
Over the weekend I sent a message to my neuro telling her about the increase in nerve pain in my thigh. She just got back to me and looks like I will be getting an MRI to see if the L2-L3 herniation is worse. Tomorrow I can call scheduling to schedule the test. I was able to find a lidocaine patch to put on it. I am so happy because I threw out the box that I had because they were expired. I don’t know how well this patch will work but will find out soon enough.
Yesterday I ordered a half black olive pizza and I have one slice left. That will be my dinner tonight. Or was. My sister threw it away. I am so angry at her for doing it. I went downstairs to my other sister’s apt and had some pita bread with fig and some chicken that my niece didn’t want. Greek food is good.
I am so tired I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep even though it isn’t close to 7p yet. I usually take my night meds between 7 and 8p. I did a lot of walking today at my appointment. I then went to Starbucks for a mocha and a pumpkin scone, my first of the season. There is no Sox game tonight so I am glad I don’t have to be up till late. Their games have been averaging at least four hours these days. Long time for a ball game but they also have gone into extra innings some nights.
On a fun note, I colored a page from a coloring book called It’s about to get real unprofessional last night when I couldn’t sleep right away. It is themed as interns should get paid at their sites rather than not, which happens most of the time. It really sucks for a financially strapped grad student working on their final degree. The page has been retweeted a few times and I think that it’s great to give them the exposure so that more books can possibly get sold. Coloring has been a good distraction for me. It also helps me to relax from anxiety and overwhelm. My therapist replied to my message about being overwhelmed with gender dysphoria. She said to journal and write to organize my thoughts. Sometimes I am not able to do that but coloring helps to calm me down enough so I can write. I don’t know why I have been having trouble writing when I am upset. During certain times I am able to but others it is like I write a sentence and then I go blank. My thoughts become frozen and I am unable to carry on with journaling. It is very frustrating as a writer for this to happen. I am glad that this blog has helped me overcome some of the frozen thoughts as I have been able to write at least 500 words most days. If I do less, I do less. Some days I can’t so I just post a picture of an animal.
Tomorrow I see dermatology to get my skin moles looked at. I am kind of nervous about getting there because I have to take the Orange line and then a shuttle bus to get there. It is going to be a long day.
midnightdemons7 
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