about goals and feeling agitated

About goals and feeling agitated

So I got some things done. I got my recycles in the bin. I started another bag. I showered and shaved. I did a pretty good job though I missed a spot here and there. I touched up. I shaved the sides and back of my head. It feels good to feel the baldness. It takes some work and my ankle did not like me afterwards that is for sure.

I got into a fight with my sister. She is just being ridiculous and I think I am going to stipulate that I am not going to talk to her until she gets some help. She has more issues than I do. But her germ phobia has gotten out of control. I seriously want to get her toilet seat covers because she complains every single day about something about the toilet. I don’t understand the obsession when it is your own family members. We share the same germs so I don’t get it. Someone else I can see but family? Come on. Now I am fearful of using the bathroom not only because of cathing but now if I should forget to wipe the damn toilet down after I use it. Fuck. Who the hell does that in their own home?? Fucking ridiculous!! I don’t need this stress. It is almost getting to the point where I am thinking of going somewhere else. I can’t be under this much stress just for living at home. No one should have to walk on eggshells where they live for whatever reason. Just talking about it is giving me anxiety.

I got therapy tomorrow. I cancelled today’s appointment because I just didn’t feel like going into Boston late afternoon. I would if it was my therapist but it’s not so cancel! I am not sure I will reschedule the appointment either. It is supposed to be the last one so I might just forego it.

I fucking screwed up my checking account. I spent too much (on bills) forgetting there were two being paid today so now I will be over drawn. I am screwed. I have no idea what the hell I am going to do as the fees are going to kill me. At least I got my meds and paid the money I owe to the mail order company. My doc will be calling in a script today and it won’t go through unless there is no balance.

I haven’t napped though I tried because I got a migraine around 1500. I tried to sleep but I got agitated. I took some perphenazine to try and calm down before I was bombarded with voices. They came anyways and then I was yelling with them about my sister which just made things so much worse. I know I should be in the hospital but because of my medical issues I just can’t. I am too afraid my needs won’t be met or the orders will be wrong so I will be fucked. I’ve had it happen too many times now and I get annoyed and frustrated and then want to leave but can’t because my safety is an issue or the team doesn’t feel like I am ready to leave. Then I will have to deal with the after math that my family will think it is someone’s fault I am in the hospital. They don’t understand that I have serious mental illness. My mother just thinks I need to talk to her to be “fine”. Mind you she wouldn’t understand a thing I go through no matter how many times I tried to explain it. Fuck, she still thinks I am female and tonight I have been going through horrible dysphoria because of the things on my chest. Knowing I have to lose weight to get rid of them just makes me more depressed. You would think it would be a motivator but it doesn’t work that way with depression. If I didn’t have severe depression, I might be able to get motivated. Right now I am just planning on not eating as I don’t know how else to lose. It worked last year. Only problem is that my appetite is sort of back so it is hard not to eat when I am hungry. Hence why I had burritos at 2 am the other night. I ordered my groceries so I will be getting tortillas to make my breakfast burritos to store. I hope to make a lot. I just hope my mother has enough cheese. I know she has a lot of eggs. I might have to buy a dozen as I will be using a dozen. A friend said the secret is 2 eggs per burrito that you want to make. Which makes sense as when I make one, I use two eggs. But this is all for when I have surgery and I have food for when I don’t feel like making something.

My surgeon’s NP called me today to answer the questions that I had. She explained the surgery to me and that they won’t be removing a lot of bone or anything and I won’t need a transfusion. So I was happy about that. I told her I would need home care and she said I would have to talk to the nurse manager on my case when I am inpatient as they and my surgeon arrange that. It all depends on what I need and how I am after surgery. I keep praying that I walk in the hospital and am able to walk out even if it is with a walker. I haven’t decided if I am going to wear the afo or not the day of my surgery. I think I will be okay walking without it. I will have my sister bring my bag with me later that night so it doesn’t get lost. I just plan on having a few change of clothes and my toiletry bag. And catheters. The NP said the neuro floor is mostly private rooms so that is nice. I will know when I wake up if things went okay or not. Last time things were not okay and I knew right away something was wrong but I didn’t know what as I was out of it. I just worry my CRPS foot is going to go berserk for being laid up and manipulated. I hope I don’t wake up in a flare. That will be friggin awful.

Ocean 2

Ocean

This is a new song by Lady Antebellum called Ocean. It is such a good song. I cannot wait for their new album to be out as I know it is going to be kickass as every single that has come out has been superb. I love this group so much and I am SOO happy they got back together.

I saw the uro. The cath came out. She wanted me to find some new catheters but I didn’t like the selection the nurse brought in so I will stick with what I got. I probably could do with a longer one but as long as this one is doing the job, that is all I care about. After the appointment I was so drained. I went to Whole Foods for some Indian but they didn’t have any. So I just had some Chinese food that they had. The rice was good. I also had some shredded beef that was amazing. It wasn’t part of the Chinese selection but in the Spanish section. I love that they have different varieties of food to choose from. Now I am back on a timer/schedule for my bladder. The uro wanted to know what the neurosurgeon had said and I told her he thinks I might have a tethered spinal cord and I think surgery is going to happen. She said she would redo the urodynamic testing two months later to see if there have been any changes made to stop progression of the bladder problems. I told her that he wanted a family member and she said that seems to indicate he is thinking surgery. I agreed with her. I feel so screwed. I really didn’t want to have surgery next year on my back but seems like it is going to happen.

My mother and baby sister is sick. Hope I don’t get what they got because there are some nasty viruses out there. My middle sister was the first to get sick and I think she spread it. She will deny it though. I got the flu shot so hopefully whatever my sister and mother have, it isn’t that. I know my mother did not get a flu shot.

I think I am recovered from the horrible depression that has plagued me for most of this year. I don’t feel like that black cloud is holding me so tight anymore. I am not saying that it isn’t there. It is. I just don’t feel its presence as strong as I did. I am back to my baseline depression, which I guess is a good thing. I didn’t think I was ever going to feel like this again.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I did when I came home and I am 3 pounds less than I was the last time I weighed myself. I had gained like 4 pounds now lost 3. I will check it tomorrow but I don’t think it will be a big difference. I knew I had lost some weight because my PJs were starting to get loose and I have an elastic waistband! I might be a size smaller. I had just bought a bunch of new PJs in size XL. I do not want to buy new ones. They can slide off me, I don’t care. I ate today for the first time in what feels like days. I wasn’t hungry but I just made myself eat something. I still have no appetite. I don’t know if it is because of the depression or meds or what. With the nortriptyline and gabapentin, my appetite should be off the scale but it isn’t.

I love my uro who is always courteous and mindful about me being a FTM. She explained it perfectly to a fellow nurse what my situation was. I am so glad the staff are always nice about it. I really lucked out. One of the trans women I follow on Twitter just posted as this is the decade she is going to be her to her full being. It will be similar for me. I am out and on HRT. I am transitioning. If I have to have back surgery this year I hope I can also have top surgery. My only fear would be spread of CRPS. I don’t know what it will be like or if the surgeon knows about CRPS and removing the breasts. I know that I cannot survive another year with these things on my chest. They are depressing me so much especially as they are getting hairy with the hormones. It is so distressing. Sets off the dysphoria so bad. I hate being in the wrong body.

Tuesday is Broken

Tuesday’s Broken

I was feeling pretty crappy today. Back pain was really bad and I just felt really, really down and worthless. I posted how I felt and someone responded with how I help people with how I feel with my posts and raw emotions. After I asked her if I could share her response and she said I could. I posted it on my IG and FB. I also sent a screen shot of it to my psych as she told me the things this person said, maybe not the way she said it, but the sentiment is the same. While I was thinking of all of this, Sugarland’s song, Tuesday is Broken popped into my head. I couldn’t find a more fitting song in that moment.

Last night I was transferring Gatorade from one bottle to another and ended up spilling it on my bedding. My back was hurting terribly so I wasn’t going to do it right then. I was cold because of the AC so I got some blankets and covered myself with those. The back pain didn’t ease up. When I woke up this morning to take my morning meds, I accidently doubled my dose of breakthrough meds and that made me very sleepy. I have been sleeping on and off all afternoon. I had sent my psych an email around 4 am saying I was worthless. I half expected her to call me but she didn’t. I also told her how suicidal I was feeling because my ankle and foot were no longer dissociating. I was getting crazy thoughts and wanted to go through with them so bad. I emailed her instead and that kind of lifted my load a bit. I have not heard from her at all. I hope she is getting my emails and they aren’t in cyber space somewhere. I haven’t been getting a “could not deliver” message so that is good. I think I have emailed her nearly every day this week. Been trying not to and the more I try, the more I fail. I just send her one email a day unless I am having a hard time, like I was last night. I honestly don’t remember being up at 4 but I must have because that is the time I sent the email. I think I also shut the AC off because of being cold. Today has been really hot that the AC is making my room cold but not an ice box. It is so fricken muggy in the house.

I made an egg burrito for the first time in ages. It was good. I put picante sauce in it before I rolled it up. I found that was better than spooning it onto it with each bite. I might make another tomorrow. I bought the flour tortillas. I have been eating them with chili. I fell in love with a Hormel chunky kind with beans. It has a little bit of a kick to it as my nose always runs when I eat it. I really want to make my cookies but it has been so fricken hot that I don’t want to be in my kitchen at all. Maybe I can convince my sisters to install a wall unit and shush my mother about it. It just makes cooking so hard in the summer.

I was still feeling a little sick after I ate. I think it was because of the pain meds. I took a Zofran so I wouldn’t hurl the contents of my stomach. I had coffee. I wanted another cup but my shirt was soaked with sweat and I didn’t want to stay in the kitchen anymore. The testosterone has so increased my sweating. I hate that I have to wear deodorant all the time now because otherwise, I stink within minutes in this heat, even if I just came out of the shower. I really hate that I have to put off top surgery until the construction is done. I am starting to look stupid because I have facial hair and female boobs. I so hate the things on my chest. I hate them more and more every single day. I think that is why I have been feeling such loathing and worthlessness. I have no idea how to counteract the gender dysphoria. I have been shaving again. I had wanted to stop to see what grew but my nephew said that if I keep shaving it will grow faster so I am doing that. There is one slight problem…I like having a smooth face so I am not sure growing a beard, even though I really want one, is going to be possible. I could just grow it and see how it feels and then if I don’t like it, shave it off. I am not going to let it grow crazy like my nephew does. I can’t stand when men do that. It just drives me crazy. I like when it is neat. Maybe it is just me.

The good news is that because I rested and took meds, my back isn’t hurting me as much. It could have flared up because the thunderstorms were passing through and the pressure changes set it off as well. Either way, I am just glad I can move without pain again. My foot is killing me but that is a constant thing that will never go away. I just hope it doesn’t make me suicidal again like it did last night. Pain had jumped from a 12 to a 15 to a 17 within a few hours. I am really exhausted from it, even though I really haven’t done much today. Tomorrow I want to take down the recycling in my room as it has been growing. I just got some study money for Amazon so I might order the bins I was looking at. I was planning on getting four but I might get six. I was going to buy another foam topper that DOESN’T fucking move but I am too afraid it is going to make me hot because of the gel. I also don’t have a place I can spread it out on for 24 hours. I might sleep in the recliner in the living room if I do get it. It has to air out for that long in order for it to “set.” It is also summer so being in the living room right now would totally fucking suck because it will be hot as hell and I won’t be able to sleep. I am completely heat intolerant because of the nerve injury and T. I might hold off till after the construction so I can maybe place it in the dining room floor for 24 hours and then carry it up to my room. I just hope it doesn’t sell out by then because I will be pissed!

Feeling anxious again so I took my pulse. It dropped 5 points since I last took it. It has been steadily dropping today. After I ate it went up to 89, then went down to 63 and now it is 58. It will probably get lower as the night goes on. I have no idea why my pulse drops when I am in pain. My blood pressure is good; I don’t get hypotensive or hypertensive. I just hate feeling fearful for no reason. I hope tomorrow I can do some more stuff around my room, like putting more clothes in the drawers that I cleared out. Or maybe just put my PJs in there so I know where they are, if I remember LOL. I also had trouble peeing today because I forgot to take my urine retention pill. I was having bad bladder pains and spasms. I was wondering why and then I realized I hadn’t peed since the morning. I wasn’t getting the urge to go because that fucking connection seems to want to work when it wants to work, not when it is supposed to thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome. My sister was yelling at my mother for something so I didn’t want to go downstairs. I hate that I am walking on eggshells in my own house again because of the bitch bully.

Free falling with no safety net

Free falling with no safety net

I didn’t think I would write a post today. I had been working on my office, going through my stuff, throwing away, recycling, or giving to goodwill. I was hurting but it was bearable. I didn’t eat much all day. I really have no appetite. I had a protein bar at like 3 am and didn’t eat again till twelve hours later. I made a custard pie that took forever because my oven sucks. I had a slice of that. It was so good.

Right now my right heel and my left metatarsals are competing as to who is going to hurt more. Right now my left is (the CRPS one). I am having so many symptoms of CRPS right now that I doubt I will sleep even though I am exhausted.

I was talking to my mother about my desk. She doesn’t want to get rid of it. FFS. My sisters and I had agreed to toss it because it is much to large and heavy to move. It is too big for my bedroom. And there would be no point if they end up tearing my rug out. I think the floor is rotten and needs to be done because there have been spots that have some up through the rug and we aren’t sure why. It might be mold. I know the drywall where my headboard is needs to be redone because the bubbling has spread. Whether or not that is due to mold, I have no clue. I don’t understand why it wasn’t addressed when I wasn’t moved in and it could have been replaced. But my room had just been painted and I think they didn’t want to mess with it. I don’t know. I just go along with things.

My aunt had come over and between her and my mother calling me my birth name and “she”, it set off my gender dysphoria. My boobs still feel really heavy. I know I am losing weight because I have no appetite. I can’t wait till next week when I can order my chicken patties and fish. I won’t be able to place my order until Wed, though I am not sure I will be able to as I need to pay off my cell phone in full on Monday, which doesn’t leave me with much afterwards. My full check on Wed will need to go toward all my bills.

I am listening to Celine Dion. I bought a few songs of hers that I haven’t listened to in a while. Seems Amazon has a knock off version of her songs and I foolishly bought 4 and then had to buy the correct 4. Damn assholes. I hate iTunes worse so I will stick with Amazon for now.

Left foot has gone berserk. I thought I had the phone far enough away but I didn’t. It is now buzzing intensely from the sound waves. I just took a melatonin to help me sleep. I hope it overrides the exhaustion to make me sleep. Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. He would have been 87. My sisters and I plan on going to the track. I really don’t want to as I don’t gamble (I have no clue how to bet on horses). I rather just have a family dinner. I was overruled. I don’t seem to have a say for anything anymore. I feel like I don’t matter to my family at all. Just adds gas to the suicidal fire. Last night, I wrote another suicide note. I think I took a pic of it and posted it on Twitter, not knowing if anyone can read my scribble. It was handwritten. I have been trying all day not to think about my dark side and now, with the pain, it is so hard to fight it. I might as well give in. I am not worth anything. As my chemistry teacher told me long ago, we are just a bag of chemicals. That is all we are.