struggling to stay awake

Struggling to stay awake

Since Saturday, I have been in a funk. I have been really tired, more so than usual. I don’t know if it is the depression that is causing me to feel this way or if it is just my body reacting to PT and having a fit. I avoided a nap but I showered and it flared up my back pretty bad. Here it is hours later and I am still hurting and cramping. I just took some Ativan to try and calm things down as the Zanaflex didn’t do anything but make me more tired.

I had therapy yesterday and I wished I didn’t. It didn’t go so well and frankly I am tired of trying to put an effort into it. My therapist said that she feels she is doing the work. I am just so exhausted I don’t want to do anything. She wanted me to set some goal for the week and I didn’t want to so she got pissed. I don’t think this is working out for me anymore. She is just too strict in trying to get me to talk and I don’t feel like talking some days. Maybe I should cancel when I don’t feel like talking. I don’t know. It has me feeling bad. I feel like I am disappointing her. I just sent her a message asking her if she wants me to cancel therapy on days I don’t feel like talking. I told her this exhaustion has been consuming me so much all I want to do is sleep.

I have made an appointment with the pain psychologist for another session. I am meeting with her tomorrow. This should be interesting as I don’t feel like doing goals in my regular therapy sessions and here I am trying to do that with this person. I feel like it has disaster written all over it before I even begin.

Today is the 16th anniversary of the Sox winning the World Series for the first time in 86 years. The pitcher who won the game’s last out showed the video clip of the play. It felt so good to see it again. I can watch it several times and it will always bring tears and joy to my heart. It was such an awesome game. I remember watching it and thinking omg there is just one more out and the Sox will win. Then Renteria hit the ball back to Foulke and game over. I sat there watching the players clobber one another for at least five minutes before realizing they won. I was so shocked and awed. It was such a glorious series. Beating the Skankees was the best. Those long games that were torture but ended in victory. Sox Nation didn’t sleep well the entire series. Not until the final prize was won. And then we did celebrate with duck boats and parades.

In addition to feeling tired the past few days, I have also been feeling like my ears are blocked. I just get this pressure in my head and my right ear feels like this humming noise, like a motor running. I don’t have the ceiling fan going so I am not sure what the noise is. I have been thinking of making an appointment with my pcp to get checked out but I am not sure he is seeing patients or not. If I still feel this way by Thursday I will call the office and see what he is doing for patient care. I can have a virtual visit but that is kind of hard to see my ear canal to see what is going on.

A Cold Sunday

A Cold Sunday

I woke up freezing. I had to shut off the ceiling fan as it was below 50 degrees out. I am still cold but I am under blanket and I just put on a long sleeved T-shirt. I am listening to Martina McBride’s Where would you be. I love the vocals in this song. She has such fantastic vocals. It amazes me.

I have been feeling down all day. I feel tired and sluggish. I haven’t eaten much and lost a few pounds. I think I am in a depression again. I just don’t feel like doing anything. My mood is so low. I just want to stay under the covers. I feel so useless.

Friday I had PT. It drained me. I still haven’t recovered from the exercises and fatigue. I hope it gets better with time. I am supposed to make more appointments with her as I have just one left. I will probably get a call tomorrow. I got to call the pain psychologist for an appointment, too. I will do that in the morning. I have therapy in the afternoon. I want to go to Starbucks. I think I earned a trip for a treat. I also need to put money on my Tpass. I got a lot of things to do this week. Weather is supposed to be in the 50s all week. I think it is almost time to take the AC out of the window.

I had coffee today but it didn’t keep me awake. I took a brief nap after I drank it. I was still tired after the nap. I have been struggling to stay awake. My back has been bothering me for most of the day which just wants to make me stay put. I don’t want to move too much because it hurts.

I got sort of suicidal the other night. I thought about ending it again. I don’t know what is keeping me from acting on my plan. I could take some of what I have to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I have been having such a difficult time sleeping lately. I keep waking up either from weird dreams or I have to pee. It is so frustrating because I try not to drink too much after I take my night time meds but I get thirsty and so I drink. Even if I use the bathroom before I go to sleep, I am still up around 4ish needing to go.

I got a pretty sunset of the Boston skyline that my friend took. I got it as my zoom background now. I have been saving pics for zoom. I have been bored with the ones that are given so I like that I can choose different ones.

hodgepodge of thoughts

I sent a message to my therapist last night. I didn’t expect her to answer it but I wanted to send it so I have something to talk about on Monday when I see her. I told her a couple of reasons why the suicidal ideations were increasing. I just feel bad about myself because physically I am unable to do the things I used to do without exhaustion. I also feel bad because I have no control over my bowels like I used to. That is what is causing me to feel really horrible. I talked with my psychiatrist about it today. He was apologetic. We had a good conversation about things. He is a really nice guy. I like him. He seems very supportive. I told him one of the things my therapist was harping on was being on medication and he said that his job was to make sure I was in therapy. I told him how my therapist said she was the GPS and I had to drive the car. Trouble was I didn’t know if I wanted to be in the car or not but with the suicidal ideation increasing, I made an appointment with her.

I had a productive day. I made all the phone calls that I needed to today. I rescheduled my appointment with PT. Gynecology called me to make an appointment. This is for my hysterectomy. I can’t believe that after 44 years I am finally going to lose the useless uterus. I also called my long term disability insurance for their annual update. I hated talking to them because I feel like they are always judging me. I had some changes in providers that they didn’t know about so it was good that things got updated.

I took a shower and shaved. My back again was not cooperative. I had bad cramps and had to sit down several times. My back feels tight and hurts. I want to nap but it is too late in the afternoon. I need to be up early tomorrow. I have an early appointment with PT, my last appointment for the week. I just set my alarm for the morning. I hate waking up before 10 to leave the house and shit. I barely function at that time. I got to make sure I eat something and have coffee. I had a hard time sleeping last night so I hope I can get to bed early tonight.

I started a new book called City of Brass. It is good. I like it. I finished Untamed the other night. It was a very good book. I also started a book about the Cold War. I have to read at least 2 books a month in order to finish my challenge that I started this year. I think I can do it because I tend to read when Twitter bores me or I want to avoid the stupidity of politics. I’ve also find that I sleep better if I read before bed.

random thoughts 21102020

Random thoughts 21102020

I’ve had a day. I met with my surgeon and things are good. I told him about the bowel issues I have been having. He said to contact my pcp as it wasn’t neuro related. I was pleased to hear that. I contacted my pcp and we decided to decrease the magnesium and see if that helps.

After the appointment, I went to the grocery store as I was out of half and half. They didn’t have the big container like I usually have. They didn’t even have a quart of the kind I get so I bought an organic kind as my choices were limited. I bought some ketchup and a half gallon of juice. My bag was heavy. I just managed to get to the bus stop, huffing and puffing. I drank my iced tea that I bought. I had some time before the next bus would come. I was thankful as I needed to rest. I got a text from the pharmacy that my prescription was ready to be picked up so I went to pick it up instead of going home right away. This was not a good decision. I couldn’t walk up the street to my house. I had to call my brother in law to pick me up. I didn’t have to wait too long, thank god.

I came home and turned the AC on in my room. I was drenched from sweat as it was kind of warm today. My brother in law said he was making tacos so I changed into my PJs and a different T shirt that was dry. I was exhausted by the time I was finished with the tacos and going back up the flight of stairs to my room. My legs are killing me. I hate being so out of shape. I know when I see PT on Friday I am going to be as exhausted.

The suicidal ideation that had been flowing in and out the past few weeks have gotten worse. I texted my therapist that I think I should see her and she sent me a time for next week. We have a lot to talk about. I just hope she is willing to listen to what I have to say. I plan on writing down the stuff I want to talk about so I don’t forget. I have my notebook ready. It is the one I have dedicated to therapy.

I hope I sleep good tonight. I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I wish I didn’t have the appointment. I just want a day of no appointments but that is not happening this week. I am just glad I don’t have to go out until Friday for PT. I am so exhausted and my ankle is starting to smart. My back is already hurting. I forgot to tell the surgeon about the cramping. I think I will sent him a message and see what he says.