flare up

Flare up

I am in a flare right now. Ankle is so hurting. Bones are hurting me more than anything. I took a double dose of gabapentin and took my BT meds which I am running low on. I forgot to call in a refill Friday. I was in such a bad mood Friday that I just stayed in bed. I didn’t get up for anything other than bathroom breaks. I don’t think I ate either. I managed to eat today but it was just soup and ensure. I wanted to make some scrambled eggs but my sister was taking over the stove baking and making the soup. I couldn’t be bothered with being in the way. I have my way of doing things and I didn’t want to go over my sister.

I laid low today. I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I wanted to pick up my meds at the pharmacy but I had such a headache that I didn’t get up till 1500. It was too late to do things. I had no motivation when I woke up to do anything. I have been in this mood for a while. I think the depression is getting worse. I really want to increase the citalopram but this idiot psychiatrist is banking on the antipsychotic in helping my mood. He is really pissing me off. I got to go for an EKG before he wants to increase the dose. I have never had a problem with SSRIs and my heart. It is just another excuse so he won’t increase the dose.

I am tired but I can’t sleep. I think I slept too late today. I haven’t had coffee in two days. I don’t know if my sister bought half and half like I asked her. She went shopping today. I forgot to ask her if she bought my things. I wanted butternut squash for Turkey day. I wonder if my therapist is going to be with her family that day. All this covid stuff has people putting off visiting, least the responsible people. The ones that don’t care just do what they want without consequence to them. Wear your mask! Wash your hands! Social distance!

I haven’t been doing the DBT skill that my therapist wants me to do. I haven’t been in the mood to do it. I have looked it over several times and there is a lot in the ACCEPTS skill. Each letter is a different activity. One of the reasons why I don’t like DBT, too much work. I haven’t even written about the “experience”. I started writing a letter to my therapist last night I think. I don’t even remember what I wrote. I will have to look at it before session to know what I said. I am glad I have access to sent mail.

My ankle pain has worsened. It feels like someone is trying to break it in two. I already took what I can to combat this pain. I just have to wait it out for now. I hate the waiting. It makes me anxious. I was listening to music but instead of calming me, it was making me annoyed. I have to put on Mary Chapin. She is the only one that calms me down when I am irritable. She has such a soothing voice. Tomorrow I need to shower and shave. It is on my to do things. I just hope I can do it without my back flaring up on me. My back has been so much better since taking the magnesium supplements. I haven’t noticed a bowel change with me taking it twice a day. I have had to take Miralax in order to go. I am not going to take the senna anymore as it hasn’t done anything for me to help my bowels. I just feel like I am taking a pill that is doing nothing. Maybe my bowels will be better without me taking it. I hope so anyway. We’ll see.

Thursday’s thoughts 19112020

Thursday’s thoughts 19112020

I haven’t been feeling good all day. I have had a headache and neck pain from tension. I have been sleepy but haven’t slept. I feel really depressed and that life is not worth living. I have been trying to work on the DBT skill that my therapist gave me yesterday but I haven’t done more than look at it and think about how to do it. I am supposed to write about it. I got my therapy notebook for that. The skill is called ACCEPTS and each letter stands for something you need to do. For example, A stands for activities so you need to do something to help your mood. One of the things it lists is counting things like colors in a photograph. Just mundane things to get your mind off things.

My psychiatrist got back to me today. He said he is sorry that my depression is severe but he has high hopes the Latuda will help me. Fucker doesn’t want to change the celexa until after I get an EKG and we meet next. So tomorrow I might go get the EKG done. I don’t meet with him until Dec so I have plenty of time to get it done.

Part of the reason I feel so down today is because my ankle flared up. Pain got around 12 and has been hard to control. Feels like someone is hammering my ankle bone. I have been in bed all afternoon trying to keep off it. I think doing things the past three days have worn me out. I posted on Facebook how I was feeling and people misunderstood my depression as this time of year thing. I get depressed year round so I don’t think it has to do with the darkness. I was told to find joy in something because there is always something to be joyful about. Yeah right. I can’t remember the last time I felt joy. It was probably months ago when I had my first surgery and I was feeling the effects of the anesthesia. I had a bowl of ice cream and felt joy while eating it. That was the last time I felt joy. Haven’t felt it since.

I can’t bear the pain in my ankle anymore today. It is so bad and I don’t know why. Temps are a little warmer than they were yesterday. I don’t know if there is supposed to be a storm coming or what. Think I read there were hurricanes across Central America. They could be on their way up here, which could be causing me pain. Right now it feels like I have barbed wire wrapped around my ankle. It is so damn sore. I took some melatonin so I can sleep. Think I will take some gabapentin for the barbed wire feeling. Can’t hurt. I will take a bunch so I can be stupid. Maybe it will help me sleep for longer periods. I just hope the melatonin doesn’t cause two hour sleep increments. I hate that. I can never sleep through for more than four hours lately. I am always waking up between 2 and 3 hours of sleep. No wonder I am tired all the time.

want to sleep to oblivion

Want to sleep to oblivion

I just took a shower after a long day and I am completely knackered. I hope that I can fall asleep at a decent hour tonight and actually sleep through the night. I have been bad about my fluid intake today but I am not going to do anything about it now. It is too late and then I will be up in the morning hours to pee. I don’t want that. I got a bloody headache because my neck muscles are so fricken tense. I can’t get them to relax. It hurts so bad, not as bad as my foot though. The shower I took really annoyed the crap out of my foot and ankle. Way I feel right now is I want to sleep until oblivion. I have stuff to make it happen. I just am not there yet.

I had therapy today and it was a good session though I ended up having to do three goals by Monday. I have to do a DBT skill, write about it and stuff, and drink an Ensure because I am not eating. She was serious about this. I told her I was having only one meal a day. That is when she brought up the Ensure. She said that my depression is the severest she has seen it. She is really concerned about me. There is nothing I can do to make her less concerned. I agreed to the three goals because it was a compromise. She was open to me writing to her as long as it was a few hours before session. She said I could make a google doc and copy and paste it in the website patient thingy. Only problem is that the website thing doesn’t accept pasting from other programs. I tried it with word and it didn’t happen. I would have to make the document while writing in the website.

I am extremely tired. I just took my night meds, all eight of them. I also take eight in the morning. I take a lot of meds. Once my psychiatrist calls in the increased dose for the Latuda, I will be just taking seven pills at night. I am having to take two Latuda pills because I still had half a bottle of the 40 mg dose and I didn’t want to waste them. These pills are expensive. I just hope I can afford them in January when I have to pay for my meds again until I meet my deductible. The psychiatrist is hoping that this medication helps my mood but it hasn’t done shit so far and I seem to be more depressed than not. I really think my celexa needs to be increased. I am only on the lowest dose right now. But the psychiatrist wanted to play with the Latuda first. Thankfully, I am not having any side effects other than changes in my bowels. I have been having softer stool since starting this medication, sometimes to the point of diarrhea. I never have a happy medium with my bowels. It is either hard or extremely soft. There is no in between.

going through the motions

Going through the motions

Today was my sister’s birthday. We celebrated and it annoyed me because I just wasn’t into the loudness of everything. My youngest sister was annoying me with trying to talk to my mother about getting my other sister’s kitchen table because it was bigger. The thing is a monster table and would be hard to get by in our kitchen. Plus my mother doesn’t want a rectangle table. She wants the one she has, a round one and that is that.

I picked up my meds from the pharmacy today. It was a good walk but my back cramped up and I had to rest a little while after getting my meds. I just sat in the chair until the spasms passed and then I went on my way. I still got winded by the time I got to my house. The hill up my street gets me every time. I again didn’t nap when I came home. I pushed through and even though I am tired now, I think I will sleep better. I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. I fought it off as best I could but I couldn’t sleep until I emptied my bladder. Then I was up. I have been up since 0400. I did manage a couple of hours sleep at 0700 but for the most part I have been up. I just took my night meds so I hope to be asleep soon. I just hope I don’t wake up to use the bathroom again.

I had to take some gaba tonight because my foot is full of nerve pain. It feels like it is vibrating. I was tempted to take the bottle tonight. I didn’t want to harm myself but I just felt like fuck it. I still want to take more but I am resisting the urge. I am not sure I am going to bring this up when I talk with my therapist tomorrow. I might but I don’t know. I guess it all depends on if I want to talk about it. I get into these funks with her where I feel like I just can’t talk to her without her judging me. She doesn’t but I am fearful she will. She has this no bullshit attitude that makes it hard for me to talk sometimes. And when the bullshit detector goes off, the sarcasm follows. I will usually follow with some sarcasm on my own.

I feel rough and empty. I am struggling with so much and I can’t seem to know how to deal with it but I am just going through the motions. I feel hopeless when I am in this space. It is so hard to feel hopeful about anything. I try though. Even though I want to cancel my therapy appointment, I will keep it because maybe it won’t go down the way that I feel it will (poorly with no hope of things being better or feeling better after the appointment.) I got brain fog right now from the Latuda. I felt it last night around an hour after I took it and I am feeling it now. Ugh. It feels like someone is trying to grip my brain and hold it in place all the while stopping messages going through my head. I am glad I am taking this med at night rather than during the day. It would be a disaster to have this side effect then. My brain just feels frozen and in a fog. I sent a message to my psychiatrist to see if it is a temporary feeling. Just hope I can sleep.