Tag: hopelessness

about my hiatus

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

About my hiatus

I have been in the hospital the past three months. I was not in a state where I could write a blog. I was doped up most of the time and barely knew what was going on around me. I was sick with renal failure, covid, and infection called C diff. I was barely eating so they had place an nasogastric tube down in my stomach for a bit. I don’t know how long this tube was place. I had taken a pic of it sometime in Sept. I missed how the season ended for my Sox. When I came home for a bit, I thought it was the end of Aug but it was the beginning of Oct. I was home for a week or so before going back to the hospital for psych. I spent four weeks in the hospital on the psych unit. I got really good care there. I learned my top surgery was postponed and I was very, very devastated. It was good that I was in the hospital because if I wasn’t, I probably would have ended my life right then. I was so angry and frustrated as I didn’t have answers and had to wait for them. I had no access to my phone so I didn’t have the usual supports I have when I am home. It was extremely frustrating. The staff tried to help me but all they could do was sympathize with me. There was only one LGBTIQQ staff person on the unit and even she couldn’t really understand my predicament.

I have an appointment next week with my pcp to get medically cleared for top surgery. I really hope this conversation goes well. It will be the first time meeting my new pcp as a fully conscious being. The first two times I met her, I was still in the confused, delusional state. All I could do when I met her was blink my eyes and nod yes or no.

I am having difficulty writing in a constant stream of consciousness. It has taken me two days to write three hundred words for this blog. My thoughts are still hard to write with everything that I have been through. It was really difficult in the hospital as I really lost the ability to write. Writing has always been a coping mechanism for me and when I couldn’t think to write, it hurt, literally. I would get these headaches that felt like my brain was being crushed. It literally hurt to think. I got several migraines while in the hospital. I would wake up around 0330-430 every morning with severe migraines. It was terrible. The trauma of everything I went through was very difficult to process. I had become catatonic at one point.

I am still feeling wicked depressed and anxious at times. I am off all pain meds and off my Ativan. It is weird not taking meds around the clock like I once did for years. Now I just take it a few times a day as I am taking my blood pressure med three times a day and take the Latuda at dinner time. It makes me tired and I often find that by 1900 I am sleepy. But that could be because I have been waking up before 0500 most mornings. I find it hard to get back to sleep with these early morning awakenings. I am so much clear headed now than I was in the middle of October. My memory is still not there on what transpired the six weeks I was on the medical floor of the hospital. I just have these weird dreams/delusions that sometimes intrude in my head. One day while in the psych ward, I was flooded with memories and couldn’t make sense of things at all. The anxiety it produced was terrifying. I was convinced I killed my mother and a bunch of weird shit around my house. Taylor Swift music got me through a lot of the anxiety but while in the psych ward, I didn’t have my music to calm me so it was very difficult to cope. Now that I am home and have music again and my laptop, I am coping so much better. I am reunited with my online friends again and it feels so good because I was missed so much. I have missed blogging so much. I regret that I didn’t write before now but it has been hard finding my writing voice again. It has been a real struggle.

In closing, I am going to try and write a blog a day like before, even if it is less than 500 words.

feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping

I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.

I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.

I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.

I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.

a blog about being blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A blog about being blah

I am feeling really depressed and blah today. I woke up late, around 1330. My neck has been hurting me since last night. I put some heat on it while I was having my coffee. It is really warm out today so I was sweating with the heat. I didn’t feel like going out. I don’t feel like doing anything today. I should shower but I don’t even have the energy for that. I still need to do my meds for the week. I’ll do that after I write this blog.

I put in my appointments for the month in my calendar. They are mostly PT appointments. I have a few sessions left and then I am done. She has done as much as she can do for me. I am glad I am not waking up in pain anymore with my shoulder anyway.

“rather die than live in fear”. I got this quote from somewhere, probably Twitter and it has been resonating with me the last few days. It has increased my suicidality. I would rather die than live in fear with my family. The resentment and disrespect is sometimes too much for me. The gender dysphoria sets in and I wonder why I am the way I am. I question who I am and wonder if it is worth it. I just feel so worthless at times that I wonder if it would be better if I was dead.

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be bringing this up to her. I don’t know if we are ever going to start work on the pain workbook or not. Seems to be always something in the way of us getting into it. I am having some serious pain right now in my leg. My ankle and shin hurt so bad. It is getting hard to write. I hate CRPS so much. All it does is take, take, take. I can’t remember the last time I had a day without pain. Now I got the shoulder and neck thing going on for god knows how long. Just something else I got to live with. Been living with this pain for five months now. I think it can be called chronic pain. Just add it to my list of why I should die.

My neck is acting up again. I just took some Zanaflex to calm it down. All my muscles are tense in my shoulder and neck. Stretching my neck from side to side is still hard to do. It hurts so much. I have been trying to keep off my phone so I don’t aggravate it further but it has been hard. I don’t know why the neck has flared up. It takes so much to calm it down and I don’t see my PT till later this week. I have been working really hard with the exercises and stretching that have been given to me. I just can’t seem to calm down the tension in my neck and shoulders. The pain is so bad it depresses me every time because I can’t do much when I hurt. All I do is lay down and stay as still as possible.

Saturday Blog 13032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 13032021

I’ve had an exciting day. Started with getting into an argument with my mother over the tea kettle. Then taking her blood pressure a couple of hours later to find her hypotensive. I had to call the ambulance on my mother. She was dehydrated. They gave her a liter of fluid and she normalized. Thank god she didn’t have to adjust her medication. I hope the bitch comes home tomorrow. I still am so mad at her for so many things and am still hurt she doesn’t see me as her son.

I took a shower and shaved. My back cramped up and is still hurting me hours later. I have been doing so much lately that I think it just hates me. It started flaring when I was taking my mother’s blood pressure. I just can’t stand too long still. I am almost a full year post op. Can’t believe it has been a year already. I am still having trouble with my bladder. I have avoided cathing so far. I don’t know if it is still a possibility. I know my bladder is angry today as it really hurts.

I went out today to pick up my meds. I have been trying to get the vaccine any place that is open. One of the pharmacies had an availability and by the time I reset my password, answered questions and shit the availability was gone. I was pissed. Now I am back to waiting.

I have been trying to stay off my phone to give my shoulder and neck some time to heal. It hasn’t flared up so I am doing good. I just wish this back pain would vamos. I am listening to Luke Combs and got “One Number Away” on repeat. It is my favorite song of his. I am so damn tired. I got to take my night meds soon. I plan on going to bed early, again. I have been waking up at three the past few nights to pee. Sometimes I have no trouble getting back to sleep but last night the power went off when I was in the bathroom and I didn’t have my cellphone with me. I managed to get back to my room in one piece without tripping on the stairs. Power came back about twenty minutes later. The wind was wild last night. I got another advisory for tonight so power might go out again. It really sucks because you can’t do nothing but be in the dark.