PT pain and torture
I went out in the snow to my PT appointment and I left with being in more pain than I was. But it was a different kind of pain. I am very sore and can barely move my arm but I got to keep moving it. I am putting heat on it right now to try and soothe it.
After PT, I went grocery shopping. I bought a lot of coffee and just a half gallon of half and half. I also bought some burgers that I will make tonight for dinner. I am supposed to wash clothes but I am hurting too much. I am very depressed and feel like crying. The floor guys didn’t come because the helper has Covid. They won’t be able to work on the areas in two weeks. My mother isn’t going to like this. She was looking forward to going back upstairs this weekend.
I had therapy yesterday and it went ok. We talked a lot about safety as my suicidal levels are high right now due to pain. She wanted me to write it down the things we talked about. I was reluctant at first because it is the same thing over and over again. I added to take medication and she was for it. She asked if I will do the things I wrote and I said I will try it. I probably am not going to call a hotline.
I had zoom with my cousins tonight. One of my older cousins still calls me my deadname and “lady”. I hate that at every meeting I need to remind her of my name and pronoun. I even have it in my zoom profile G (he/him) so I don’t know what the problem is. Fuck. I was telling my therapist yesterday that my mother still calls me daughter, especially for medical stuff. It is so hard to bring up. I feel like she is ashamed of me.
Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I kept on waking up every few hours in pain. Then I don’t know what happened but my right foot was under my left foot and it (right) jerked, causing my toenails to scratch me. It hurt pretty bad and there is a long scratch on my ankle. My niece put bandaids on it. It is still painful because I have no skin on the bone of my ankle. I don’t know how it happened. So weird. I hope I can sleep tonight.
More dry needling
This is my new stuffy, Jim. He is so soft. A dear friend gave him to me today. It made my day as my day hasn’t been so great as you read along…
I had PT today and more dry needling. The left side hurt like a mofo and still does. It is so sore but the right is tingling. I had to contact the PT to find out if this was normal or not. She said it was as long as it isn’t going down my arm. It isn’t. I am to alternate with ice and heat so am doing that now. It is already starting to feel better so I am glad I called her. She said it is because it is undertreated. I think I only had one area done instead of two and that is why the muscle is angry right now.
I had a good session with therapy. We talked about trauma and how things are with my sister. She gets me triggered which then can make my pain worse because CRPS is a brain condition. So I told her there was a book on managing chronic pain through CBT but I don’t understand some of what the book is trying to teach. She is getting the book so we can go over it. Shit got real. I had to agree to work on this in between sessions and now I am wondering what the fuck did I get into. She said skills is what I need and this is all skill shit.
For the thing I work on I told her I would go through the book and see what I could do. I am overwhelmed with pain right now and am having flashbacks about shit that happened years ago. I am literally terrified that my sister is going to come barging into my room any moment just to scare the daylights out of me. I know rationally she isn’t going to but the fear is there. I am so anxious and it is just worsening my neck pain.
I am supposed to drink a lot of water after the dry needling but I have a love/hate relationship with water. So I just drank a whole 32 oz bottle of Gatorade. I just took my night meds so I hope the Ativan helps some of the tension I am feeling with the PTSD stuff. I am so tired but still kind of fearful. I have been texting my friend about what is going on and it has helped as well as writing it out. I did text my therapist but I don’t think I will hear back from her. It’s too late. Maybe tomorrow.
Trauma and recovery
From Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman
I have been reading the book Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman and it has been helpful to see where my trauma has hindered so much of my life. Last night I was reading a chapter about how the client should feel empowered through therapy and only then can they heal. I feel that I am being hindered in my therapy with my therapist because she has her own ideas of what is helpful that doesn’t include my input. I am finding it very difficult to stay connected to her because I am being stifled so to speak. I often don’t feel validated in therapy. I feel like she only gives it as a last resort to things that I say. I am going to ask her tomorrow why she has trouble validating what I am going through. I often feel that she is listening to me and then her saying “ok” doesn’t validate my experience. Just means that she heard what I said. I really don’t want to have to go find another therapist but she is pushing me too much. The last session I had with her she said the depression is making me not want to bother and I need to bother, in regards to calling a chronic pain support group. It made me feel bad because she doesn’t get how severely limiting my depression can be in reaching out for new support. I can’t just put the “bother” aside and do things. That isn’t how things work.
I know I gripe about therapy a lot on my blog but it is how I process what goes on and how I am feeling. Things that happen in therapy stay with me and I go over it to try and deal with it. I have a lot of trauma to sort through and it is still affecting my ability to deal with stuff. My depression is severe and I often think about ending my life. I have been in therapy for nearly thirty years. I think the only thing it has done is keep me alive. I have been hospitalized more times than I can count. I have learned things but sometimes those things don’t come up when I am in a crisis or feeling really bad. This is why I don’t find DBT helpful because when you are in the heat of the moment you aren’t going to reach for a piece of paper or manual for help.
I get so frustrated in therapy because I feel like I am not heard. Right now the therapist is of the opinion that she is the expert and that I should listen to her. I honestly don’t like this. I feel like this is patriarchy. It burns me to no end when I think of what she said when I was at my most vulnerable. I don’t know how to bring this up. Even as I was trying to cancel session she was of the opinion it wasn’t a good idea. That maybe so but don’t I have a right to cancel when I feel like it? She said we should at least check in because of the level of my depression is so severe. So I agreed on that point. I will have a check in with her tomorrow. I don’t know if I will talk about her idea that her being my clinician is best for me. The paternalization needs to stop.
Saturday Blog 06022021
Listening to the top 25 country countdown on the radio. My favorite DJ is counting down the hits. I haven’t heard the radio in so long. I just had breakfast. I weighed myself this morning and I am down another 3 lbs. I can comfortably fit into a size 38 pants. I have mixed feelings about this. I am happy I am losing but at the same time I feel like I am not holding up the ideals of what my father drilled into me when I was growing up, that I was fat.
I got to head to the grocery store today. I need to get some coffee. I am running low. I am going to get Starbucks House Blend. That seems to be my favorite coffee right now. I am not sure which store I want to go to. I might go to the big store so they might have the larger count of coffee. I don’t have energy to go right now but I plan on going around noon time.
I’m going to try and clear my bed so I can change the sheets today. I am so behind on doing it. It is so hard to get the energy to do it because I don’t really know where to put the stuff. It just ends up on the floor.
I just came back from food shopping and man it was crowded. People were wearing masks and trying to distance from one another. They didn’t have a large count of my house blend coffee. They had the breakfast blend and the pike but not house. I just bought two packages of the 10 ct of it. I also found brown bread so I bought that. I haven’t had it in a long time. My glasses kept falling off my face when I looked down and were fogging up so it was hard to see.
My binder came today. I wore it while I was out to get used to it. I was sweating so much from it. I hated the sweating part. I wore a light sweatshirt, too. It fit ok but I don’t like the clasps. It is like a bra but it is better than a zipper or Velcro.
I ordered Wendy’s because I wanted their chicken sandwich and chili. I haven’t had it in a long time. I haven’t eaten today other than a bowl of cereal this morning. I need to put more heat on my shoulder and neck. It is starting to flare up again. Carrying up 10 bottles of Gatorade didn’t help me. The UberEats driver is making a delivery before mine so my food is going to be cold by the time he gets here. I am not happy!
I am feeling depressed today. I am listening to my country mix playlist. I haven’t listened to it in a long while. I am so tired and I am hangry because my food isn’t here yet. Will be a half hour or so before it gets here. Wonder if there are Cheez its in the cabinet? I am hungry dammit.