Lame title I know but I couldn’t come up with something else. I just had my coffee so feel energized to write. I had flashbacks last night and it was pretty terrifying. I tried reaching out to my therapist but she hasn’t responded. I don’t think she will. I hate when I am in a tough spot and she can’t respond to what I am saying. I feel so alone when she does this. But I understand that texting isn’t always the way to go in a crisis. A friend suggested a hotline but I didn’t have the patience to talk to someone about what I am going through. I wasn’t suicidal.
My neck and shoulders are stiff today. I am trying to keep them moving so they loosen up. I got the tingling sensation again in my shoulder where I was dry needled. It is really sore there to touch. I am going to put some ice and then heat on it after I blog.
I am worried about my mother. Her kidneys aren’t functioning like they should. She is 79 years old and has been an insulin user for more than 40 years. I just hope she doesn’t need dialysis eventually. That will be so hard. She recently has been having some trouble sleeping where she wakes up gasping for air. We think she has sleep apnea. She is still recovering from Covid. The disease really sucks as she can be ok for a day and the next be weak and lifeless. I really feel bad for her. I wish there was something more I could do than listen to her bitch about how sick she is, which she has every right to. She sometimes cries and it breaks my heart.
I need to shower today. I am going to try and clear off my bed too. I just need to get organized a little bit. I think taking a shower will wake me up enough to clear my bed. If I can do that, changing the sheets will be an easier task. I still need to go to the butcher’s shop for burgers. I just hope I still have the sandwich pickles that I love. Last time they didn’t have it so I had to get the chips.
My legs feel so sore and I don’t know why. I am having throbbing in my ankle which is my normal. I never have 100% pain relief despite being on pain meds. Most I will get is 80-95% relief from meds. Then I take the breakthrough meds to help get over the hump. Last night I took gaba because I was getting nerve pain in my ankle and foot. Being triggered last night didn’t help my pain one bit. I got really tense in my neck and that just worsened my neck pain. I just killed my shoulder by trying to message it with the palm massager thing I have. I am really hurting now. I just messaged the PT because I am still tingling and she said it would go away by today. I just want to make sure there is no nerve damage going on or something. I got to put heat on it. I am really hurting today with this. Just hope I can go out and do my shopping that I want to do.
More dry needling
This is my new stuffy, Jim. He is so soft. A dear friend gave him to me today. It made my day as my day hasn’t been so great as you read along…
I had PT today and more dry needling. The left side hurt like a mofo and still does. It is so sore but the right is tingling. I had to contact the PT to find out if this was normal or not. She said it was as long as it isn’t going down my arm. It isn’t. I am to alternate with ice and heat so am doing that now. It is already starting to feel better so I am glad I called her. She said it is because it is undertreated. I think I only had one area done instead of two and that is why the muscle is angry right now.
I had a good session with therapy. We talked about trauma and how things are with my sister. She gets me triggered which then can make my pain worse because CRPS is a brain condition. So I told her there was a book on managing chronic pain through CBT but I don’t understand some of what the book is trying to teach. She is getting the book so we can go over it. Shit got real. I had to agree to work on this in between sessions and now I am wondering what the fuck did I get into. She said skills is what I need and this is all skill shit.
For the thing I work on I told her I would go through the book and see what I could do. I am overwhelmed with pain right now and am having flashbacks about shit that happened years ago. I am literally terrified that my sister is going to come barging into my room any moment just to scare the daylights out of me. I know rationally she isn’t going to but the fear is there. I am so anxious and it is just worsening my neck pain.
I am supposed to drink a lot of water after the dry needling but I have a love/hate relationship with water. So I just drank a whole 32 oz bottle of Gatorade. I just took my night meds so I hope the Ativan helps some of the tension I am feeling with the PTSD stuff. I am so tired but still kind of fearful. I have been texting my friend about what is going on and it has helped as well as writing it out. I did text my therapist but I don’t think I will hear back from her. It’s too late. Maybe tomorrow.
Dry needling session two
I had PT today and had some more dry needling. She just did my deltoid area. My arm is sore and I need to put some heat on it. I will later. I did some work on a machine to warm up my shoulder before the needling. She also worked on my neck which is wicked tight. It felt so much better afterwards. I wanted to ask her if I could take her home but felt that was inappropriate.
I have been having a tough day. I didn’t want to leave the house but I did anyway for PT and now I am in a flare. I feel really depressed and exhausted about this. I know part of the reason is that I am just so damn tired of being in pain all the time. I am also exasperated about being in pain. I just can’t stand it anymore and even though I am trying really hard not to think of ending things, I can’t help it.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow for a check in. She wants me to be honest with her. This really annoys me because I am honest with her. I don’t bullshit. I am going to tell her how bad I am feeling and that I want to act on my thoughts. Not sure how she will respond to this. But I need to let her know what is on my mind.
This weekend marks the 28th anniversary of knowing my psych. She still is the best at what she does. I can talk to her anytime. She is always there for me even though we aren’t working together anymore. I miss her so much.
I am so fricken exhausted. I slept for a little bit and then woke up around midnight so I thought of finishing this blog. I am still hurting with my ankle. I just took some more breakthrough meds. I’ll probably be up half the night now. I’m kind of hungry so maybe I will have something to eat and that will settle me down for a sleep. I just bought some honey nut Chex and really like it even though it is kind of too sweet. I really like the corn one. That one is my favorite of them all.
My hamstring seems to bother me when my ankle is acting up. I never noticed before because the ankle pain was so overwhelming but now I am noticing it more. I have tried stretching the hammy but does no good. I honestly don’t find stretching to be helpful for anything. There was a baseball player that refused to stretch as he said that a tiger doesn’t stretch before they pounce on their prey, or something like that. I took it to heart.
Day 2 after dry needling
It is day 2 after dry needling. I am kind of stiff so need to work out the soreness. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept waking up with my bicep hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. It still is kind of sore now. I just did my exercises. I am still sore but it is bearable.
Just listened to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Songs From Home. She does it nearly every Sunday she sings a new song either one of her old songs or her new one on her album. Or sometimes it is a cover from another singer or band. I love it because I love her. She makes me happy when I see her. This week’s song was “come on come on” from her album of the same name. It is one of my favorite songs.
I need to shave and shower today. I am starting to smell. I don’t wear deodorant that much anymore since the pandemic. I should use it to cut down on the sweating but I never think of it because I am not used to it. If I am going out on the rare occasion I will use it. Even in the coldest of winter I will sweat. Part of the reason I woke up around 0430 was because I was so warm. It is freezing outside so the heat has been kicking on and off. I have the ceiling fan going but still, I get hot. I only have one blanket on. I still have the AC in my window. Tomorrow is supposed to be a blizzard. Going to be cold in my room and I will love it. I texted my sister that it was 16 degrees and we should go to the beach. She laughed.
I cut my finger nails again. Seems I cut them more frequently than I do my toenails. I do need to cut them but I usually wait till after a shower so they aren’t so difficult to cut. Today is my niece’s birthday and I ordered a pistachio latte with 3 extra shots of espresso. I should be wired for the day. I haven’t had espresso in so long. I miss Starbucks. I miss going there to write and to chill while having espresso and a snack. I had coffee today but it hasn’t done much in keeping me awake. I so want to nap right now but I don’t want to wreck my record of not napping in the past week. My sleep has been better since I go to bed around 9 or 10 and for the most part I can sleep through the night except when my bladder wakes me up, like it did this morning. I don’t empty it all because of nerve damage. The PT wants me to drink a lot of water which has been hard for me to do. I am not a water drinker but have been drinking Gatorade. I just sent my PT a message as I have been getting cramps in my right side flank while doing my exercises. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I started having them while doing them in the office on Friday. I see her this week so hopefully we can work something out. She probably will tell me those muscles are tight too.