Feeling really sad about therapy

I have had to miss therapy all week because of pain. Yesterday I didn’t go because I thought I would have PT but slept through the appt. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I am doing in therapy, like is it useful or am I wasting time. I know my therapist cares, or at least portrays that he does. He doesn’t give any “homework” or any structure. We just talk and he might respond like the last 5 minutes to the things I’ve said. Sometimes it is really hard to talk the whole 45 minutes. I have a hard time thinking what to say. But I get through it.

What is making me sad is that I’ll be starting PT again and that always stresses me out. Maneuvering appts and spending 45 minutes on the bus to and from. Then remembering to do the exercises the way I was told. The having flares because I went to an appt. I hurt worse with therapy. Sometimes I hurt for days. Throw in fucking weather dysfunction like going from 63 degrees to 30 the next day kills me.

I think I am going to have to stop therapy while I have PT. I really need to work on my right leg or I am not going to be able to walk. Just getting around my house some days I need a walker because both feet are terrible. My right heel is causing me to walk funny and causing ankle pain. Sometimes I can alleviate it but lately it has become so bad after therapy that I just can’t recover. It is too painful to calm down in a day or two. So with this in mind, I got to let my therapist know. Trouble is, I don’t know how. Stress isn’t good with my CRPS. It makes my pain worse for that foot/ankle. And causing me to put more weight on it because I can’t bear weight on my “good” right foot, well it is a mess.

Mentally I know I am not that great. But I’ve always been suicidal and this guy has taken no interest in trying to decrease my thoughts except through talking about it. Yes that is useful but doesn’t help when I am now planning my death because I can’t stand the cycle of pain anymore. He doesn’t have any structure to deal with it and has even said I am free to do it once I leave his office, as long as I am not going to do it right when I leave. As an autodidact suicidologist, this terrifies me of this approach. But basically he is saying he can’t save me. And I don’t want him to. I don’t want anyone to stop me. Hence I plan. But I am getting off track.

I don’t know how to say to him can we temporarily stop until i am a little better than what i am now. I am terrified he will say no and end our time. Which then means i am screwed with having to find someone once i am better. I am really scared he might say this. But if i just keep canceling week after week, he might think i don’t want to see him anymore.

I have no idea if i am making sense. It sucks that my pain is interfering with this but fuck, I am disabled for a reason. If I was well, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

Comments are very much welcome to this post. Thanks for reading.

24 Aug 18

24 Aug 18

I have had a not so great day. My alarm went off a couple of time, I am not sure. I finally shut it off but had no intention to get up. Then my med alarm went off and shit, had to get up because I had to catch the 930 bus. No time for breakfast, coffee, or shower now. I quickly got dressed after trying to balance myself as my legs were jelly. I have no idea how I didn’t fall. I was scared of the stairs but I did okay. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my headphones and my bag. I went downstairs to put on my braces and then left. I was in such a grumpy mood. I left earlier than I should have but that meant I caught the earlier bus, which also meant I had time to grab a cup of coffee. I didn’t care it was going on my debit card, even though I looked at my bank balance and somehow had to finagle the bagel again because I somehow overspent, again.

I rode the bus with my headphones on and got a couple donuts with my coffee. I wanted to try a new coffee at DD but I didn’t remember the name of it so I had a dark roast. It was the strongest they had. It worked. I wasn’t so grumpy. After I ate the donuts, I left for PT. My PT was a little late but I didn’t care. I didn’t even want to be there. She called me in and told me a PT assistant would be doing a test. I said okay. I was to walk around the place with the assistant holding a measuring thing. I could rest as much as I wanted to. I must have taken like 2 laps around before my CRPS ankle acted up and I had to rest. I had to walk another three minutes. I didn’t like this test. It was flaring my ankle and I didn’t like that one bit. The last 10 seconds I had to stop. I walked over 800 feet in the five minutes and it freaked me out. I asked what this was for and she said it was for my insurance. I am getting sick of my insurance. But whatever. I told her the difficulty of me trying to do that for 8 hours and she agreed it would be impossible for me to work if I had to walk that much because just getting there would tire me out and cause pain. I felt a little reassured but was still nervous as my benefits could be in trouble.

Then we did stuff with my sprained ankle. One exercise kind of cramped the muscle in my foot but she said that was normal because my foot is weak. She and my neuro had a discussion and both want my right leg to become as strong as possible as I need it for support as my left leg is hurt and can’t do much. I agreed as well, but it is going to take some work and I am just overwhelmed. I was almost crying on the way home because the pain in my bad ankle was so bad. I had taken a BT med before I left PT. The burning was so fricken intense. I felt like someone was trying to filet my foot from the ankle to my pinkie toe. The suicidal ankle pain was there. I was just in so much fricken pain.

I got home and I had to rest. I also needed food as I haven’t eaten since the two donuts. I wanted egg with toast but didn’t know how I wanted the egg. My foot pretty much exploded soon as I rested. This was not fucking good. It was only like 1 pm. I stayed an hour on my bed and realized I wasn’t going to make the cake I wanted to bake. Then I looked at my foot and the swelling was unreal. I had to put on the compression sock. I knew that most of the pain was because it was swollen. But with CRPS, you can’t ice it. It makes it worse. I found the sock hiding under my blanket. I was hoping that my foot wasn’t going to be sensitive and I could wear the sock for a couple of hours at least rather than a few minutes. It has been several hours now and the sock is still on. I will probably take it off before I sleep.

I made dinner for my mother and I though I didn’t want to. Then I took the stinky trash out, got the mail and some ice for my mother, then went up the damn fucking stairs. I was done. I am not doing dishes tonight. No fucking way. I am sitting with my AC and fan on listening to music until the game is on, though I am feeling kind of sleepy so might take my meds and then go to bed early. I always think this then I lie down and can’t sleep. Last night was hard as my foot was so sensitive the sheets were bothering it. I took some Neurontin to calm it down but I didn’t get to sleep until 2. Chronic pain just sucks. I finagled the financial bagel and have some money left over for the month. I bought my nephew chihuahua some Star Wars PJs. I have been seeing doggies with PJs on and OMG so fricken cute!! It made me feel better that my friend sent me his picture last night. I wish I could have a pet but my mother won’t allow it. I want a cat or kitten so bad. I am afraid that I wouldn’t be able to pay for the Vet though. It’s hard just paying for my therapist, which I am behind on his bill a little bit. My credit has been used up. I had a credit because I overpaid him a lot the end of last year. Have no idea how that happened. Probably kept paying him the monthly charges not taking into account the days that I didn’t see him. Oh well. I have been good about keeping my appts but when the cold weather comes, that might be a different story.

PT and where to go from there

PT and where to go from there

So PT killed me afterwards. Because the daft pain docs want more, my lovely PT recommended a functional program. Which is more than what she can offer me. I talked with her about it as I was anxious. I cannot stand being out of the house more than 3 hours and the program meets a few times a week for 6. It is multidisciplinary. I asked her what the goal would be as everyone wants me to try this but I am scared I’ll get kicked off disability if I am “too well”. She said it was more managing my flares better and other stuff I don’t remember. I’ll hear back from her within a week from the lady that runs it and try it. It doesn’t work oh well.
I am flared. Ankle was at least a 6 when I got there. Now a 12. She worked on my thigh so that is bothering me too. Heat is bad. Just waiting to cool off. I am out of breakthrough meds until tomorrow, I hope. Hugging my AC and then decide what I want for supper. I decided to order Mexican because I am in love with taquitos. I like the tacos from this place as well, even though it is overpriced. But it is good so I’ll deal.

I am kind of nervous about this functional program. It is down the street from me so not far from where I live. I just don’t want to commit to it and then not be able to do it or be forced to stay. I also need it to work around my other appointments. When my therapist comes back, I will be meeting him twice a week. I then have my psych appt every two weeks or so. It just seems like a lot and it is overwhelming me. I am trying not to think about it because I know that it will be a few weeks before the process goes through. I still need to get a note from the doc for it, after my PT talks to the coordinator.

My ankle is being such a brat. It was hurting most of the day and only got worse when I got home. I went to grab something on my bed and the movement sent shockwaves to my ankle. I got to wait it out as there is nothing I can take for it, other than possibly Ativan. I am wicked tired so I don’t know if I will stay up to listen to the game. They are back in Boston. I always say I don’t know yet somehow I do because I just got to know if they win or lose. Finding out the next day is not as fun as finding out the end of the 9th inning. The sun pretty much baked me and stole all of my energy. I bought Pike for the Keurig. I am running low on coffee. If I make it through this month, I will need to put extra funds for Starbucks. I only do that so I can get points toward a reward. I think I can get the rewards I bought at Walgreens but I am not sure. I have to look it up in the app.

PT, power outage, and other stuff

I finally was able to sleep around 0430. My med alarm went off around 9. I wanted to throw my phone. I shut the thing off and was drifting off back to sleep. I caught myself and then took my meds. I went downstairs to use the bathroom. I washed my face and for some reason, forgot to brush my teeth. I will have to do so tonight, if my foot pain lets up.

I made breakfast, fried egg and toast. My mother was in the kitchen before pain made her leave. I finished my breakfast in silence and then went back up to my room, only to realize, I didn’t make coffee. I went back downstairs and made it for me and my mother. My mother said I didn’t make it good. It is shit coffee anyways. I don’t care. I made my coffee a little too sweet with the creamer that has sugar in it. I am going to have to buy the Natural Bliss one again. I’ll probably get it on Friday when I am out again.

I was getting itchy just waiting around. My friends on Twitter hadn’t responded to the blog I wrote at the midnight hour. I think they did while I was on my way to PT. I left an hour early because I couldn’t stand being in my room anymore. It was so fricken hot. I brought my Kindle to read while I waited. My PT took me early and did her thing. She was happy that I was doing my exercises. Ya, cause they didn’t involve my ankle at all!! Just upper body and my hips. She did myofascial release again and this time it bothered my thigh. It was in the last minute of it so I let her finish. Don’t know if that was wise or not but I figure why not.

I found an easier way to get back to the station. The end of the building that the PT office is leads to the street that has a bus stop about a block away. I walked it and a bus came pretty quickly. I just got to the station and was able to transfer to the bus home! Score! I checked my message as there were a few. The suicidologist that I have been followed had given me a website to look at the next time I feel like talking to someone that isn’t going to be judgmental or call the cops on me because I have suicidal feelings. It is a chronic suicide group. I told her I would check it out. I did when I got home, once my power got back on. It was out for about a half hour. I was sweating when I came home and had no fan or AC to cool off. It was stuffy in my room. I was holding out for it to come back soon and when it did, I cooled off just enough to go downstairs to have something to eat in case the power went back out again.

I have brought my portable charger on my bed in case I need to charge my phone. Getting back in bed wasn’t good. The pressure I was putting on the mattress to climb in caused a flare. I can’t take any meds. I had already taken a breakthrough med about 2-3 hours ago. I did take some ibuprofen as my back is hurting. Between my foot and ankle hurting, I want to take some Ativan and call it a fucking night. Guess I won’t be hearing the Sox play tonight. They did good last night. The pitcher, Rick Porcello, hit his first double, bringing in three runs. It was awesome. Usually a pitcher strikes out or maybe gets a hit or a sac fly. He came through and helped himself to a lead. The Nats slowly worked their way up but Betts hit a homerun and we kept the lead, thank god. It might have gone to extras otherwise.

Pain has once again brought out the suicidal me. I had sent my blog that I wrote in the midnight hours to my psych but when I emailed her asking her if she read it, she said she didn’t get it. Guess that is why I got no response. I sent it to her again. Hope she gets it this time. I am kind of scared because if she freaks out, what am I going to do? I don’t want to go back to the hospital and I won’t because it is a waste of fucking time. I will page her every hour if it comes to that. Fuck the hospital. I can’t believe just getting on my bed cause my ankle to go completely berserk. That with my foot pain, I am in a “wonderful” mood.

On the way home, I played the lottery because the pot is $270 million. My gut has been telling me to play since it was $210 and today it got really strong. I played my father’s and godfather’s birthdays. I will be happy with a free ticket. I was surprised the cost of the ticket went up. Crooks. It is now $2 when it used to be $1. I don’t know when it happened as I don’t play often, only when the pot is big. Hope I win. I will then move to Canada to avoid another US civil war.