struggling to stay awake

Struggling to stay awake

Since Saturday, I have been in a funk. I have been really tired, more so than usual. I don’t know if it is the depression that is causing me to feel this way or if it is just my body reacting to PT and having a fit. I avoided a nap but I showered and it flared up my back pretty bad. Here it is hours later and I am still hurting and cramping. I just took some Ativan to try and calm things down as the Zanaflex didn’t do anything but make me more tired.

I had therapy yesterday and I wished I didn’t. It didn’t go so well and frankly I am tired of trying to put an effort into it. My therapist said that she feels she is doing the work. I am just so exhausted I don’t want to do anything. She wanted me to set some goal for the week and I didn’t want to so she got pissed. I don’t think this is working out for me anymore. She is just too strict in trying to get me to talk and I don’t feel like talking some days. Maybe I should cancel when I don’t feel like talking. I don’t know. It has me feeling bad. I feel like I am disappointing her. I just sent her a message asking her if she wants me to cancel therapy on days I don’t feel like talking. I told her this exhaustion has been consuming me so much all I want to do is sleep.

I have made an appointment with the pain psychologist for another session. I am meeting with her tomorrow. This should be interesting as I don’t feel like doing goals in my regular therapy sessions and here I am trying to do that with this person. I feel like it has disaster written all over it before I even begin.

Today is the 16th anniversary of the Sox winning the World Series for the first time in 86 years. The pitcher who won the game’s last out showed the video clip of the play. It felt so good to see it again. I can watch it several times and it will always bring tears and joy to my heart. It was such an awesome game. I remember watching it and thinking omg there is just one more out and the Sox will win. Then Renteria hit the ball back to Foulke and game over. I sat there watching the players clobber one another for at least five minutes before realizing they won. I was so shocked and awed. It was such a glorious series. Beating the Skankees was the best. Those long games that were torture but ended in victory. Sox Nation didn’t sleep well the entire series. Not until the final prize was won. And then we did celebrate with duck boats and parades.

In addition to feeling tired the past few days, I have also been feeling like my ears are blocked. I just get this pressure in my head and my right ear feels like this humming noise, like a motor running. I don’t have the ceiling fan going so I am not sure what the noise is. I have been thinking of making an appointment with my pcp to get checked out but I am not sure he is seeing patients or not. If I still feel this way by Thursday I will call the office and see what he is doing for patient care. I can have a virtual visit but that is kind of hard to see my ear canal to see what is going on.

Waking up dreading the day and in pain

The barometric pressure dropped 0.40 points overnight and my foot/ankle and back felt it. I woke up in a horrid mood, much like I have the past two weeks. Depression has been really bad. I’ve been talking with my psych daily to avoid hospitalization. I refuse to go back in unless I attempt.

I spent the day either sleeping to fantasizing my death. I seriously wonder if I will ever go through my stupid thoughts or just keep planning over and over again. I told my psych how bad things were Friday night hence why we have been talking daily. I’ve been afraid of emailing her due to being forced to show up at an ER.

My family has been upside down since my sister moved in last week. She must have said “you don’t need that” at least a hundred times, if not more. There is no kitchen space as her stuff is there. I want to bake but really have no energy to move the stuff out much less have the space to place the cookie sheets. I am pissed that she told me I need to make room in the living room by going through my office stuff so her daughter can sleep on the couch. I don’t understand why she can’t sleep on my other sister’s couch until we square things away here. I have no idea how long it is going to take me to make stuff in my room for my office stuff. I cleared a box last week but still haven’t broken it down. I got hit with mega pain and back spasms so I was out of commission for a few days. Plus being depressed I don’t want to do a damn thing except kill myself. My psych is preventing that. I kind of wish I wasn’t under her surveillance. I really don’t want to see or talk with her.

I am just going to take my night meds and read Harry. I don’t have the energy for anything else.

Blogging from phone: hectic day

My grocery delivery was late. I hate a 10-12 slot and it didn’t come till after 12. I quickly put away my stuff. I had 4 large cookies to finish off the batch I made a couple days ago. I will be making another batch this weekend as I got the flaxseed meal.

I sat on my bed for 10 minutes figuring out the bus schedule and time it would take to get dressed, do an errand, and then wait for the bus. I really didn’t want to go out. But I needed to pick up my scripts and get my blood drawn. Off I went.

I didn’t being my bag with me. I just grabbed my coat and scarf as it was cold out. I had coffee at home so I wasn’t going to Starbucks. Bus came like 20 minutes minutes while I was waiting. I was already exhausted. I got to the hospital and went to my pcp’s office. Then I went to the blood lab. My doc didn’t put in the order. I had to wait an hour for all to be done. I got a new phlebotomist who was afraid to draw me so another guy that I knew did it. Ugh. I left and then went to the store. I had to pick up stuff for my mother and also wanted steak for dinner. There was no steak I wanted. I left to catch the bus home.

I went to the pharmacy to fill my meds. They didn’t have a full quantity. I would have to go to another pharmacy. Ugh. Tomorrow is going to rain so now I will have to get wet. I am not happy. I wanted to sleep tomorrow. Least the temp will be a little warmer.

I had my mother make some eggs for dinner. Then I got hungry for the 1st time in 2 months. I ordered some steak tips and mozzarella sticks. It was good except the steak had a bunch of peppers and onions with it. Yuck. I saved the leftovers. Now I am quite tired. My ankle is killing me because while taking off my pants to change into my PJs, my ankle got caught and felt like I was ripping it off. It still has not calmed down. My mother had me do the few dishes in the sink. I debated on blogging but felt like I had to.

My sodium is at the same number. I was shocked the doctor called me with results. He was very nice. I didn’t know my psych was out of the office. Oh well. I decreased the mood stabilizer again so am taking 300 twice a day. Hopefully in a few days my energy comes back. I hope I don’t have to go off my med. I see my psych next week so we’ll see how I feel.

I bought a mango habanero sauce I want to try for my chicken wings. I forgot to get then while I was out today. Maybe I will get them tomorrow. I want to have them for the New Year’s eve party my sister is having. I have to buy a lot of wings. Not sure I can do it or afford it. All depends how i feel.

Fatigue is killing me!!!

Fatigue is killing me!!!

My alarm went off and I took my meds. I checked to see when my delivery would be here. It said in about 40 minutes. I quickly made some coffee and had a few sips when the truck came. The delivery didn’t include a few bottle of Powerade and the buffalo wings I had wanted to make for dinner. UGH. I guess it is ramen noodles or something. After I put everything away and then fixed the Powerade bottles so I could take a bag up to my room, I was exhausted. The weather took out my back so I was working slowly. Now I need a nap.

I emailed my psychiatrist around 8 last night to tell her I was frustrated with feeling like shit and being tired all the time worse than I usually am. I waited for a response and got none. It is now almost noon and still no response, I am ready to page her as I want to decrease my dose of my mood stabilizer even before my blood tests. I am just so fucking tired. Doesn’t help that my foot is going fucking bananas right now. It feels like a grater is grating the top of my foot. It is so sensitive right now.

I got an area of my stomach is killing me. Feels like gas is trapped and won’t go anywhere. Just fucking lovely. I have no idea if it is gas or shit. I don’t care but it better be moving because it hurts. I might take some miralax. That might work but if it doesn’t and works tomorrow, I am screwed because I will be out. I am ready to email my doc and say fuck it, I am decreasing my dose by 300 mg. And watch my sodium levels will be higher. (Don’t know if this will happen but I hope it will be so.)

I think I have to take some Neurontin because my foot is not calming down at all. Neuropathy is such a fun thing (being sarcastic here). It really sucks. But the pain is always so different. Drives me fucking crazy.

I am feeling really depressed and feeling like a nothing. Seems like everyone can do things I can’t. I hate that people can walk their dogs or go for walks period and I am over here struggling just to walk down my hallway and around the kitchen.

My lunatic aunt called to say to look out for my mother. When my mother came home, she called out for me. I asked what, and she told me I had a package. It was from my friend that is not doing so well. I honestly didn’t expect a package from him this year because of all his troubles. It was nice that he sent it to me. Now I got to get around to call him. Anyways, I went downstairs, barefoot, and then went to the kitchen where my ankle pain shot up so high my mother thought I was crying. I could have been the pain was so bad. I waited for it to pass but it didn’t. I opened the package and then put the fruit and nuts away. Then put the box in the recycle pile and went upstairs. I had to stop a few times because of pain.

I had a message from my psychiatrist when I got back to my room. WTF she didn’t understand what I have been telling her. I felt like telling her off but I didn’t. I simply said that if I don’t lower the dose of the medication, I won’t be seeing my pcp tomorrow because I will have no energy! I haven’t had a response. I honestly don’t expect one. It is my body and I will do whatever I want to get it so that it somewhat cooperates the way it is supposed to be and if taking 300 mg less of what I take will do that, so be it. I had a salty lunch of Ramen noodles and crackers. I had bought these crackers that were cheese and peanut butter but the filling was just peanut butter so the crackers must have been cheese crackers, I guess. They were good and salty so I didn’t care. If I am up to it, I might make a turkey Shepard’s pie. I really don’t want peas and pasta. I took some Neurontin to calm down the crazy nerve pain I am having. I have no idea if it is going to knock me out or make me goofy. Either case, I will be taking a nap soon and hope that my damn foot pain doesn’t increase. I am just so wiped out that if I don’t sleep, I don’t think I will be making anything.