Feeling like shit and crap I feel awful
I have been feeling weak all day. It is awful and there is nothing I can really do about it except fluids and rest. I have been trying to sleep but it hasn’t come. I am too anxious to sleep or sleep because of my med and bathroom schedule. I think once I am out for the night it will be good. I am still on steroids to calm this headache that pops up if I sit for too long. Tomorrow I need to call the surgeon as I have had some sweating on my back around the scar. It doesn’t smell horrible but the damn thing is dry otherwise so I don’t get it. Maybe I am just too hot for my own good, LOL. I just need to hold on for the next 15 hours or so when I can call the office. I don’t want to go to the ER if I don’t have to.
I asked my sister to take a pic of the scar and it looks good. No redness or swelling anywhere so this sweating is a mystery but then it could just be healing. I froze my room so am trying to warm it up again. I had opened the window the other day and had to close it as temp dropped to 39 outside and nearly 60 inside. I was cold and had to put on a long sleeve shirt. Hope that doesn’t contribute to the sweating episodes.
I have been in a weird mental state. I don’t seem depressed or suicidal and I find this somewhat disturbing that suddenly I am “fine”. I just worry about a setback. I sent a message to my therapist about it. Not sure if she read it yet. I haven’t gotten a response. I have a time tomorrow with her in the morning and I hope that I am semi awake. Our appointment last week didn’t go too well as I was out of it from meds. I still might be out of it as I feel so weak. I am trying my best to be with it but it is so damn hard. I just want to sleep but I can’t. so frustrating. I supposed if I took some Ativan or Zanaflex I would be out. Pain hasn’t been that bad today though I can’t seem to sit up straight without muscles tightening on me. The joys of recovering from back surgery. I am glad things went well and I can’t wait to talk to the surgeon about the surgery because I have yet to chat with him since before I was under. I have only seen his residents. This is partly due to the COVID-19 isolation that was going around the hospital so he wasn’t available. I am glad my pain is better but I am not liking the tightening of the muscles. I am glad I have Ativan as I think it works better than Zanaflex at times. But I might be biased. Benzos have always been good muscle relaxers. But the risk of addiction is what keeps them from being in use at times. And they are a hard drug to come off of when you want to stop them or need to stop them. Harder than anything, from what I heard. I hope I never have to find out because just missing a day and I am wicked sick with dizziness. I have been on Ativan for a while and know I have a dependence like you do most medications you take every day. I am sure if I were to stop my blood pressure meds there would be some side effects to that as well. Dependence is not the same as addiction. Addiction you need more of the stuff to achieve the high or whatever feeling you need. Dependence is when you are dependent on a substance through no fault of your own.
I just realized I haven’t done my meds for the week. I have Sunday meds so will do it tomorrow. I had planned a few days in advance just in case I wasn’t up to it. I am glad some planning worked. I have another few days of steroids that I need to fill my box with. I am taking it with Tylenol for pain. That is what they were giving me in the hospital so I am going with it. I will do my meds after my therapy appointment. I hope I am physically able to do it because it would suck to have someone else do it for me. It usually takes me ten minutes to do. We’ll see how long it takes with my back being the way it is. Probably will have to sit and do it not stand like I usually do. Standing has been a nemesis in all of this and I hate it. Just brushing my teeth hurts. I wanted to shower but I didn’t feel up to it. I don’t think I should take one while feeling like I am going to pass out. It might not be the best idea even if it makes me feel a little better. I will do that tomorrow. I need to change clothes anyway because of the sweating. I hope I sleep through the night. It has been a long time since I had a night where I didn’t wake up at 3 in the morning. I keep waking up because stupid bladder needs to be emptied. I am tempted to ask my uro for a foley just so I can sleep. But that might not help with the healing process of my bladder so I won’t call. I am tempted though.
One week post op
I just had a shower to get rid of the hospital smell and to wash my growing hair that needs it. It has been a few days since I last washed it. My mother dried my back and she said I was hairy. She doesn’t get it. HAHA I thought she would know by now that I am on hormones seeing as I have facial hair but she isn’t making the connection and I am not going to enlighten her.
My groceries came today from a different vendor. I had my niece help bring them to my room as I couldn’t carry it. I am not supposed to be lifting anything but it is hard remembering. After the groceries were put away, I took a nap until my sister got into an argument with her daughter. I had no idea what the fuck they were arguing about. My niece left shortly thereafter, before I got into the shower. It was nice to shower but very tiring. I don’t think people realize just how tiring it is for people with chronic illness and pain to shower. I know my fellow pain sufferers understand this.
I plan on making a steak for dinner. Hopefully it will give me the protein and iron I need to get to feeling better and not so tired all the time. I also bought chili which I will have tomorrow with some tortillas. I love making a burrito with the chili and eating it like that. I wish I bought red potatoes. I would love a red potato salad right now, with oil and vinegar not mayo. I love a potato salad with oil and vinegar. It tastes so good. I like it with mayo too but will prefer oil and vinegar.
I read a chapter in my book. Seems I can read a chapter and then lose interest when it comes to an end. I want to finish reading the book as it is due in a couple of weeks. I don’t know if the library will be open by that time. Everything is still in lockdown with the virus. I haven’t kept up on the reports for how long it will be as I have been staying off Twitter with my recovery. It is hard to listen to all day long and about the rebellion of youngsters or even others who don’t care about themselves yet profess to care for others. The real trenches are the lab workers and assistants to get blood samples and other specimens processed. There are also the cafeteria workers and cleaning people that always seems to get missed in times like this. They do their job without opposition and they are often down cast but without them, trash would just be piling up and no one would eat in hospitals.
My sister was telling me that there were 50 nurses at the hospital I was at with the virus. I hope they recover and don’t die. I don’t know the age groups but sad to think that healthcare workers aren’t immune to this kind of stuff. Front line people. Makes me sad.
My other sister made beets. I was craving them so I am glad she made them. They were good. Just roasted them with salt and pepper. I wish I had ranch dressing to go with them but I don’t. The hospital where I was has good beets you eat at the salad bar. They are yummy with ranch dressing. I miss eating in the café. Maybe when all of this is over I will get some beets during one of my visits. I am going there next week to get my stitches out. I didn’t have OT or PT call me today. I found that kind of odd. The orders are there for them to see me but I think with the way the virus is, they are limiting people into homes. Sucks all around.
Day one at home
Today has been rough. I did too much and caused myself to get a headache that I still have that the neurosurgeon is worried about. I have to go back on steroids for a week to see if that helps calm things down. I am trying to sleep but it isn’t coming. I have too much on my mind.
My numbers for my blog stats have been terrible. All day I have just had three views so I am hoping this post will draw some readers out. I know I have been sporadic in my writing but I am recovering from surgery right now. Meds are making comprehension difficult and concentration has been worse. Because of the steroids, I have some appetite. Unfortunately, meals have been difficult to sit through as it hurts my head to be upright. I rather be laying down.
I had an appointment with my therapist today but we didn’t get much accomplished as the connection was terrible. I was kind of out of it so that didn’t help matters. She put me down for another time next week so I think I should be better by then, or at least less druggy. Today was a real test as I had a lot of phone calls. I got accepted for the Ride, a disability transportation service but I can’t seem to navigate it on my phone or laptop so will have to call tomorrow to set something up.
I want to try and shower tomorrow. I don’t have a health care worker coming in yet and for some reason I am on MRSA precautions. I don’t know when that happened. But the nurse was worried about it and sent off a special stethoscope for the clinicians to use. Nothing fancy about it just deemed “MRSA”. I have no use for it as I use my blood pressure cuff for my readings and my own thermometer. I have no fever so that is good. I think I would be feeling sicker if I was. I have been feeling hot and cold all day, running the fan, shutting it off, turning it back on. I also have been taking my long shirt sleeve shirt off and on all day. I don’t know why I seem to run hot then cold then back hot again. Hope I am not getting sick. I worry with those that are outside the home may bring it in, like my nieces and nephew and sisters. I am at a high risk because I am just off of surgery and am on steroids. I have been trying to keep fluids up but it has been a challenge. I don’t like standing right now as it hurts. I have been able to void on my own though. Last night I had to put myself on a timer so I would go. It worked but disrupted my sleep and then the bowels did their thing on me. Luckily, I didn’t lose control or I would have been crushed. I did have to change my underwear though. I didn’t want to track the stuff to my wound. I don’t have a bandage on so I am careful about what I touch around the scar.
The one question that I am shocked I keep getting asked about is suicide and suicidal thinking. The nurse today very concerning asked about it and wanted me to let her know if I have those thoughts. I am not having them because I got other stuff on my mind. I am depressed because I feel like I should be somehow a long better than what I am but I am only a week post op. I am having a hard time keeping track of pain medication management because I was used to a nurse bringing me the meds. Now I got to sort it all out. I spoke to my pcp about it and he is okay with the increase in the interim while I am recovering. I’ll get a refill next week when I am due for one. I am glad I can talk to him about my pain med needs. Some docs don’t want to hear it after surgery. I had a hard time finding a doc to listen when I had back pain like this. In the end, my pcp put me on pain meds and there it stayed. My pain meds have always been managed by my pcp and I am glad because they get to see what you are like more so than a specialist.
Anxiety continues and panic is starting
I keep on being “ok” and then I will log onto the patient web thing and see my “procedure” appointment and I just panic. So I can go from a little anxiety to major anxiety in a short time. I hate having this much anxiety. To set things even better, I am having extrapyramidal symptoms in my hands as I cannot hold a pen without shaking. I took some Benadryl as that is what a google said was for fast relief. I was going to take an Ativan but seeing as allergies are out of control, Benadryl seemed a better choice as it will help the anxiety as well. If I feel drowsy I will sleep. I got nothing planned. I nixed going out. Even if I got the half and half, it would go to waste as I would be the only one using it and for 2 days I am not going to go through a quart so I would just waste my money. My waistline does not need Oreos. I still would like the cereal though. Oh well. I will make do without.
I finally was able to successfully test the virtual health thing, I think. I got it on my laptop and phone so I can use either tomorrow. I think I might do the laptop in the morning and then phone in the afternoon. I am not sure. I told my therapist I was having difficulties, and she said we can have a phone call session. I am so nervous technology is going to fail. But we will see tomorrow if all goes to plan.
I had like four of my hard cookies. They made good for dunking in my tea. Bladder is not working today as far as voiding on my own. I am writing down some questions for the urologist if I am able to connect for tomorrow’s appointment. I’d like to know if what I am doing is alright with her. I think what I am doing is okay but there are times where I cath more than 5 times a day and then there are days where I only cath 2 or 3 times. It totally varies on my urge to go. Sometimes it is strong and other times it is there but not enough to go. I can sit on the toilet but it takes like 5 minutes of sitting there to pee. I hate it. But then I hate cathing too. I got into a really bad fit last night about it. Mostly because it triggered a flashback but most of the time I can shrug it off. Yesterday was a day where things I normally shrug off didn’t get shrugged. I was having such a hard time and then there is this therapist in MN that keeps counseling me. I know she is just trying to be nice and supportive. But I just find it a little weird.
I had chili for brunch. Had tea as well. I don’t know what else I will have. I am not hungry right now. I might have cereal later. I am trying my best to not have anything after 10pm. Last night I failed. I was hungry so had a PB&J sandwich around 11pm. I just realized I am not going to have Starbucks until after surgery. What a bummer. They closed the Au Bu Pain near the hospital so I can’t have their coffee either. I am sad about that because I love Au Bu Pain. I wonder if the one in the Square is still open? I got to look next time I go there.
Tomorrow is T shot day. I plan on giving it after my appointment with my uro, that is if I don’t end up giving it around or after midnight if I am still up. I want to change my sheets but I will probably do that tomorrow. That should make me tired enough to go to bed early so I am not up all night. I don’t know if I am going to sleep or not. I am so anxious as it is. I am surprised I am sleeping. I slept all morning though because I was up at 2 bloody am with my damn bladder. I hope that I don’t have a repeat of this tonight as I need to be up at 8 am to be ready for my uro appointment at 9. Got three appointments and I don’t have to leave the house. Going to be weird.