Couple bad things but an awesome thing in the end

Couple bad things but an awesome thing in the end

I started off with a good day. I made lunch as I woke up around noon. I had one of the steakhouse burgers I bought. I have one left, which I hope will still be good tomorrow. Then I showered and my ankle was having a fit. I didn’t care. It was nice out and I wanted to go to Starbucks. I also wanted to try and write a story. I kind of made a checklist of things I wanted to do today before I went to sleep last night. I just got one thing done, the outline of the story I want to write. I couldn’t think of anything to write while at Starbucks. I had wanted to go to CVS to get a card for a friend but after I cleaned up and put my things away, I forgot.

I got to the bus depot and while waiting for my bus, this guy walks by me and brushes against not one breast, but two. He apologized but he had this weird smirk on his face. I felt so horrible and the gender dysphoria just flared. I never hated my body more than I did at that moment. I got into a bad mood so fast. The bus couldn’t bring me home fast enough.

I went to Walgreens when I got off the bus. I wanted to get the card as I knew I would be going to the post office tomorrow. I found a card and then decided to get the dark chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup. They had them on sale for 2/$2 so I got two. Then I saw the Kit Kat bars and wanted the dark chocolate one. I found them after some looking. I then went to the checkout. The cashier was no where to be found and there was two customers ahead of me. The older guy went off somewhere so the second customer went up once the cashier returned. I put my stuff on the counter and the older gentleman was behind me. As the cashier was checking me out, he blurts out that I am buying too much chocolate and that tonight I should stand in the mirror and say no more chocolate. I just looked at him only because he tapped me on the shoulder. I gave him the nastiest look I could. I wanted to tell him to fuck off but held my tongue. I think the cashier was expecting an argument or something because he stopped what he was doing. I just handed him my money, got my change and left without saying a damn word. I was so fucking heated. The nerve of the guy!!

I told my mother what happened and she didn’t say anything. Thanks, ma! She just said we were having stir fry for dinner. I went upstairs to rant and rave. I had posted about the gender dysphoria but not too many people commented on it. The post about the Walgreens incident had more responses. Not like I was looking for it because I was fuming. People were telling me to tell him fuck off. It was just good that I felt supported by my friends on one post but not the other. Guess you can’t win them all.

I had dinner with my mother. She wanted me to clean up and I said okay but you are putting the rice away. She said no because she does everything and cooks, etc. I said yeah I don’t do nothing. She said emphatically, yes, I don’t do anything and I nearly lost it. I was so fucking hurt. I put the rice in a container but didn’t put it in the fridge because it was still hot.

I started working on my blog and because I had a bottle of water with dinner, I had to use the bathroom. I brought down the packages that I need to mail out tomorrow and then used the bathroom. I got a blank card so I could put the address of where I am sending one of them and the packing tape to stick it on. My mother then asks if I have the duct tape. I told her I don’t. She said it was in my office in one of the drawers. I told her it wasn’t. She argued with me so I fricken moved the stuff out of the way so I can check the drawers. No duct tape but found another roll of packing tape and some old pictures. I showed the roll of tape to my mother and she said no, that wasn’t what she needs. Bitch. I took it upstairs as I am out of packing tape and the pictures.

I went through the pictures. They were from the days of when I was a teen working with kids. I had one roll of all the kids from the summer program. I don’t remember their names, not a single one. I found a couple of my sister and nephew and another of my uncle. I posted them on Facebook. Then I looked in the other bag and my heart broke. The first picture was of my uncle (different one) and aunt who have been dead for some time now. I miss them so much. It just killed me seeing them. Then I found a pic of my wonderful aunts dancing. Behind them was another aunt and uncle dancing. This is the aunt that just passed away a few months ago. I was hurting so bad. I had taken the pics but they were sideways. I played with the damn functions of my phone trying to set them right. By the time I did, I had started a flare. A big one. It was blinding me. And, right on cue, my bladder needed to be emptied again. Fuck. I stood and saw stars. I carefully went downstairs, used the bathroom, and thought I would be able to make it back to my room. I went up like four steps and my ankle said a big fuck you. I was seeing stars again and I sat down. I was breathing really heavy and my chest hurt. I was having anxiety. Great. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My mother hadn’t noticed me. I didn’t know what to do because I was panicking. Finally I yelled for my mother. She couldn’t hear me over the TV. JFC. I had to wait for her to mute it and then she tried to get up. I said don’t get up call my sister to come up and get my meds. She called and I was waiting in agony. I didn’t put anything on my feet so my feet were getting cold. If it got colder, I would be screwed because I would cramp. My sister came up and I told her exactly where to find the bottle of meds that I needed. I had to explain it again once she got to my room because she didn’t fucking listen! Seriously??? Finally she got the bottle and some water. She brought them to me and I just waited a few minutes trying to relax. But I was still breathing heavy and panicky.

I had to put my foot under some blankets or I was going to hurt more. I carefully stood up, thanked my sister, and then carefully made my way up the stairs.

I kept staring at the laptop with my small paragraph and couldn’t continue. I had so much to say about today and my mind was stuck. I needed to talk to someone. I texted my good friend and he said he could talk to me. I knew he would be able to make me laugh and forget things while the pain meds did its magic. I talked to him for about a half hour or so and felt better afterwards. So wrote this long blog that I was trying to write the past several hours. I finally took my night meds almost two hours late. I will probably be up late because I did but there was nothing I could do about it because I was in too much pain to stand up.

Pain keeps moving around my ankle and the part of my foot where it is atrophied. I don’t think I am going to sleep until the middle of the night. I am tired from the stress of the pain. Ativan that I took with my night meds should be able to settle me down. I might need to take another strong pain pill.

The awesome thing that happened, that I forgot to mention, was that my best friend out in Illinois officially adopted his son. I am so happy for him that when I found out, I started crying tears of joy. I couldn’t help me. My friend has always wanted a child. And now he has one. I couldn’t be more thrilled. My friend’s family is the best. I know this because after I met them one Christmas, we exchanged Christmas cards for years and they still ask for me. It was really cool.

some good news, some pain, and other things

Some good news, some pain, and other things

I woke up again around 3 am to pee but was able to get back to sleep. I honestly have no idea how I didn’t end up in the floor of my bathroom as I was catching myself going back to sleep while on the can. My med alarm went off at 0715 which I just changed to 0850. I took my meds and then dozed off, waiting for my mother to call to put her socks on. The call never came and I lightly slept. When I woke up at noon, I was totally disoriented to what the hell day it was. It was raining pretty good and the wind was splattering the rain against my window, which at times was startling me.

I went downstairs and found the stove dismantled. My mother was cleaning it. Guess making burritos or tea for that matter, wasn’t happening. I was kind of dizzy but wanted some food. I heated up the pancakes I made yesterday. They were okay for day old pancakes. I didn’t drink anything with it because I was too tired to get something to drink. I chugged some powerade when I went back to my room. I also took pain meds. I must have been on my bed for about an hour or so when the atrophied part of my ankle just went nuts. I hurt so bad, I cried. I kept thinking about killing myself. I just can’t go on like this. I wrote a post on Facebook about how animals are treated more humanely than humans.

I took some pain meds and the pain settled down. I wanted some lunch so made a pizza. I finally found the right temperature to make it crispy. I sort of forgot about it when the timer went off because my mother was busy with the stove and wanted me to put the things I bought her on the pilots. They are a removeable thing that makes cleaning up easier. I checked on my pizza and it was almost burnt so I got it just in time.

My mother was making chicken for dinner and I wanted to make the red potatoes I bought. I washed them and cut them up, ready for my mother to make them when she was making dinner. I then went back upstairs. I rested for a bit. I was suddenly drained. I felt like I had the flu but not really. I couldn’t believe how wiped I was. I wanted to sleep but knew my mother would call me soon as I got to sleep saying that supper was ready. It takes me at least 45 minutes to get to sleep. I was on my phone when a FB message came from someone I wasn’t friends with. The message was from a teacher asking if I was the author of Darkness Always Wins. A student of hers wanted to use one of my stories for prose. She was asking whether the work was fiction or not. I told her it wasn’t as it was based on my experiences of mental illness. She thanked me and said my work was touching. I was so flattered that a student in Texas read my book and wanted to expand on it. I have no idea if the student was high school or college level. I guess maybe high school. I didn’t ask as I was just happy someone liked my work. I haven’t sold many books but some of the writing is from my blogs.

My mother told me I had to clean up after dinner. Fuck. I was really dizzy and needed a cup of tea. I made a cup and my mother wanted coffee so I made her a cup as well. When I was done with my tea, I washed the dishes. Normally I don’t use the dishwasher but today I did as I didn’t feel like washing. That is what it is there for, right? I loaded it and then just washed the pans. I even put the utensils in the washer. HA, it was an easy clean up.

The baseball game for today was cancelled due to rain. There isn’t a game until tomorrow late night as they are on the west coast. I hate west coast games. Game time isn’t until 10 pm. I need to sleep so I probably won’t be listening if I drift off before then. We will be playing the Angels and our first game is with their new ace pitcher Ohtani. I don’t know where he is from but the static about him is fierce. I don’t remember who we have pitching tomorrow. I want to say Price but I could be wrong.

I think my experiment of splitting my meds is over. I can’t handle the dizziness anymore. So it will be back to “eating a meal”. I just wish my meds didn’t make me so bloated after taking them. It is like eating a meal after taking the 12 or so pills. I also need to vamp up my fiber tomorrow. It has been more than a few days since I had a bowel movement. I know it is partially my fault because I got things loose and then stopped the senna for a night. Now I can’t go at all. I had two doses of fiber yesterday and still nothing today. I would take the fiber tonight but one time it started to work at like midnight and then I was going until 2 in the morning. Not a good idea. Thank you CES for causing my bowels to become so unpredictable and to keep going. I hate when this happens. I won’t go for days and then when I do, I can’t stop. Make up your fricken mind, bowels!

CRPS Madness, painsomnia seems to rule

I didn’t go to bed till 5 or thereafter. I had some cocoa pebbles and tried to sleep. I slept most of the morning, though my other phone kept ringing, waking me up. I turned it off. I think it lost battery now so I don’t have to worry about it. Soon as I was awake for about 5 mins, the pain that kept me up, returned. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. It was torture but I got it done. I am not going to shower or change my sheets. I am too tired and hurt too much.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tempted to call my psych for some valium or sleeping pill. I really don’t want one though. I already take enough meds. I wish I was seeing my pcp this week. I know part of my pain is bad because of the storm that is coming tomorrow evening. It supposed to last 24 hours. Only supposed to get 8 inches of snow so I guess that is good if it holds true. It is the same kind of storm we got over the weekend but less intense, though coastal flooding is still a risk.

I must have wrote a message to my pcp as I found out the idiot fellow messed up my allergies in a big way. I don’t remember doing it. He said he fixed it. I fucking wish before leaving the office, they had you read what they wrote so any errors could be fixed right there and then rather than after the fact. Would be beneficial for all I think.

I hope I don’t have another flare tonight. I am hurting at a 8 right now. Last night was at least a 14. My new Moleskin notebooks came. Now I can write down my crazy pain, rate it, describe it, and note the time. It changes so much every few hours.

I didn’t realize I had 3 gaba pills left in the bottle. I thought I finished it the other night. I could have used it to help settle things down. I just took the pills a little while ago. I’m not going to stay up another night, least not tonight.

My flashlight and B vitamins came today. It is a small bottle so the pills must be tiny. It has 5000 mcg of B12, 800 mcg of folate, and 2 mg of B6. I just opened the bottle. They are instant dissolving and are cherry flavored. They taste ok. It is more like a pellet than a pill. And it is tiny. I hope it helps with my pain. B6 is for nerve function. Also hope it gives me energy. I won’t be able to put these guys in my pill box for the week so I’ll have to remember to take them every day. I’ll probably use another med alarm.

I had a frozen dinner, spaghetti and meatballs. For some reason, it is not sitting well in my stomach. I don’t know why. I’ve had it before and it never caused any problem. It is the only thing I’ve had since waking up, besides a slice of coffee cake. My mother has been eating it on me. Silly woman. It is good though.

I wish I could take a shower. I feel so crappy. I just know I will risk a flare if I do. Not worth the risk. I’ll be taking my night meds soon. Just hope I sleep through the night.

it’s 2 am…

It’s 2 am…

It’s not quite 3 am yet but I love this song. It’s by Jason Aldean and called Why.

I am having a rough time. Pain is bonkers. I’ve lost track how many times the pain has moved from my ankle to my foot and back. Then my ankle bone hurts only for it to travel to my foot bones. Now my foot is on fire so I think the pain meds have done their job. I just don’t want to chance it flaring up again by laying down.

I researched the psychologist I will be seeing in 13 hours. He mostly has focused on head, face, and neck pain. Not my kind. Also promotes CBT. He suggests that for me and I will kill myself. I don’t fucking care. I hate this therapy and think it is bogus. Not everyone responds to it and I know I won’t because I think it’s bullshit. There are some aspects of it that are worthwhile but like anything else, it takes time to practice and use it well. I really don’t want to wait another 18 weeks or more to see if this is “for me” and still have fucking flare ups without pain control in any other way.

I tried writing in my journal but the pen I decided to use was being difficult. Sometimes it wouldn’t write and I had to go over letters to make them visible. It was annoying me rather than helping me. I don’t know what I did with my left arm. It feels weak, like I lifted something heavy, which I didn’t. I haven’t carried anything so no idea what I did but it’s annoying me. It doesn’t hurt so that is good.

My migraine has gone. I hope it stays away. I am really tired and know I should try and sleep but my foot and ankle pain is just so intense. I can’t even give it a number because it just hurts. It is also indescribable. I hate that kind of pain. It’s so hard to know how to treat it. Do I treat it with this med or that med? I just don’t know so I take both and hope it works. I didn’t take any Neurontin tonight. I don’t want to be foggy later on. I think these late nights are causing me to be a night owl. I know that if I am not asleep by midnight, chances are it is a guessing game when I will be asleep. After 0200, and I am really up for the night. Just sucks because I have to leave the house by 1245 to make it to my appointment on time, which means I will have to eat something at Starbucks. I think I will get the cherry mocha again with 3 shots of espresso. That was yummy. I will try and remember to bring my reusable cup I bought the other day. They only have this drink until Wednesday. It’s too bad because it tastes so good! I love mocha anyway. It’s my favorite drink beside having the espresso alone with soy milk.

I am going to try this thing called sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s supposed to be good for you yet I never feel refreshed afterwards so don’t get the appeal. I’ll let you know how it goes…

chronic pain and quick to anger

Chronic pain and quick to anger

I didn’t sleep well last night. I fell asleep sometime after 0200 because of pain. My reminder med alarm went off around 0815 and I wanted to throw the phone across the fucking room. I was so sleepy to finagle the phone to shut off the noise. I took my pills then went back to sleep for a few hours. I woke up around noon in pain. I felt hung over, like I had been drinking hard all night. My head and neck were hurting because I was somehow trying to meld with my headboard. My head was under the pillow and my head was on the headboard. It was an odd angle that made my neck hurt. I have no idea what happened to the pillow I was using. When I got up to put my slippers on, I found it on the floor. I really didn’t want to leave the house but I wanted to try the new cherry mocha at Starbucks. They would only have it until Wednesday.

I didn’t feel like going back to sleep. My sister was getting a new furnace put in and the guy had my number in case he needed access to her apartment. I got dressed and before I left for the bus stop, talked with the plumber to see if he needed anything. He didn’t and he said he would need another day to finish the work. He said he would call my brother in law if he needed anything. I said ok and left. I was kind of grumpy because I didn’t leave the house yesterday just in case they needed something, I would be around. If I had known my brother in law had given them instructions, I could have gone out to start my story. Oh well.

It was fricken cold as the wind was blowing. I had to put on my hood to block the wind. The bus came and I got to Starbucks. I had a sandwich and the cherry mocha in a reusable container. The drink was fricken expensive but it was for a limited time so I didn’t fuss about it. It was really good so worth it. It tasted like drinking a cherry chocolate bar. After I finished my sandwich, I wanted a cookie and got that. Then I started writing in my journal. I had taken out the notebook as well to start my story. I noticed it was only 80 pages. I don’t know if it was because of the pain and not sleeping, but I became really angry that I paid 2 bucks for less than 100 pages when I had bought a few months ago for $1.89 120 pages for the same kind of notebook! I was fuming! I know now it seemed trivial but for some reason, I just felt ripped off. I couldn’t write anymore so decided to go home. I went to CVS to see what they were charging and for how many pages. It was $3.19 for 100 pages. That is a rip off! I bought some pens that caught my eye when I bought the 80 count notebook. Bic has these pens called Atlantis that are pretty smooth to write with. I was hoping to possibly write when I got home but it didn’t happen. I was exhausted. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Just moving my arms felt so heavy.

I got out my laptop and went to the email for the number for Dell. I wanted to know what the hell parts were on my laptop so I knew what they were. I was told in the email to contact the customer service department. I talked to them. Then they said I needed technical sales. I was transferred to them. I explained again what I was looking for and was transferred back to customer service. I told them the story only for them to tell me I needed technical support. I said wait a fucking minute. I was told that when I first called and then have been transferred back and forth and now you need to transfer me again? He said he didn’t know anything about parts and had to transfer me. I said okay as my temper flared again. I got transferred, spoke the the girl for not even 10 seconds when the line was cut! WTF!!! I was fuming. I sent a message on twitter to Dell as sometimes you get better service through twitter than you do on the damn fucking phone. Haven’t heard from them but one asshole tweety buddy told me one word, MAC. FUCK YOU I wanted to respond!! I didn’t. I fucking hate when you have a PC problem they tell you to go to Apple and vice versa. UGH Not fucking helpful!! Though I do have a few Apple people who has had their hard drives crash on them so they are not 100% reliable either or have been stuck in the store or on the phone for hours. I still don’t know what the hell parts I have or if I can upgrade. In the meantime, I am just going with it. As long as my Microsoft Office Word works and I can upload my blog, that is all I will use this lemon for until I can get my other laptop fixed. It takes too much memory just to use Facebook so I go on my phone most of the time. Twitter isn’t so bad though if there is a cute kitten or pup pic, I will go on my phone to save it. I have been collecting cute pics for a while now to look at when I am in a grumpy mood and need something cute to cheer me up.

My kitchen tracking lights needed to be replaced so I ordered new bulbs. I got them today and they are the wrong size. My sister said she “told me” they were the wrong size. I am like how the fuck can you know by looking at a website that it is the wrong size??? Then she was looking at the bulb I took out from the socket and she was like see, it says blah blah blah. I am like see the box says blah blah blah. My anger rose again. Now I got to go to the fucking store and change them. I hate returning shit. I would have gone today but my sister was going out to eat so maybe she can take me tomorrow. I got such a headache and my ankle is being a fucking asshole. I better fucking sleep tonight and my head better not try to be one with the headboard again. I am too fucking tired to stay up all night again.