Sunday Blog 06122020
Another Sunday has passed through. Weeks keep flying; there is no stopping time. My birthday will be in seventeen days. I am not looking forward to it. I hate my birthday. I like my name day better. No one knows it and doesn’t give me grief about it. I blame my mother for the reason I hate my birthday. All because when I was 16 she threw me a surprise birthday at my grandmother’s house and I had to spend it with people I hated. I wanted to be alone and she didn’t want me to be alone. She is a real bitch. She knew I hated her side of the family. I still do. I want nothing to do with them at all.
I didn’t eat today. I have no appetite. I drank an Ensure so I have something in my stomach other than pills and Powerade. I had coffee and I didn’t even finish that. I am having a lot of pain on my left side of my neck. I took a couple of Ativan to calm it down with some Tylenol. I hope I sleep tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow morning so I can get tested for Covid. My sister tested positive yesterday. I have been staying in my room as much as possible and wearing my mask when I am not in my room.
I did my meds for the week. I really didn’t want to take the Latuda but I don’t want to suffer from withdrawals from it so I took it. I don’t want to take the citalopram either as it isn’t doing much of nothing too. I am not happy that these meds I am taking that are supposed to help haven’t. Least the voices are under control. I hope the psychiatrist doesn’t stop the med because of the mood and leave me hanging for a psych med for the voices. The whole reason I wanted to be on the Latuda was for voices not as a mood stabilizer, for fuck sake.
I am so damn tired. I hope I sleep tonight. My foot is bothering me but it isn’t excruciating like it has the past couple of days. I bought a glycolic wash that I plan to use once I shave my beard. It will be in a the next few weeks as I am getting tired of it. It gets long and then I want to shave it off. It is cold today. I still have the ceiling fan on because it gets hot in my room. I can’t stand it when it is hot. I like being cold in my room. I still have the AC in. It probably will be in year round as I haven’t bothered my brother in law to take it out. The weather has been warm like every other day so it is good that I have the AC in the window. The really cold winter weather hasn’t started. I am grateful for that.
Want to sleep to oblivion
I just took a shower after a long day and I am completely knackered. I hope that I can fall asleep at a decent hour tonight and actually sleep through the night. I have been bad about my fluid intake today but I am not going to do anything about it now. It is too late and then I will be up in the morning hours to pee. I don’t want that. I got a bloody headache because my neck muscles are so fricken tense. I can’t get them to relax. It hurts so bad, not as bad as my foot though. The shower I took really annoyed the crap out of my foot and ankle. Way I feel right now is I want to sleep until oblivion. I have stuff to make it happen. I just am not there yet.
I had therapy today and it was a good session though I ended up having to do three goals by Monday. I have to do a DBT skill, write about it and stuff, and drink an Ensure because I am not eating. She was serious about this. I told her I was having only one meal a day. That is when she brought up the Ensure. She said that my depression is the severest she has seen it. She is really concerned about me. There is nothing I can do to make her less concerned. I agreed to the three goals because it was a compromise. She was open to me writing to her as long as it was a few hours before session. She said I could make a google doc and copy and paste it in the website patient thingy. Only problem is that the website thing doesn’t accept pasting from other programs. I tried it with word and it didn’t happen. I would have to make the document while writing in the website.
I am extremely tired. I just took my night meds, all eight of them. I also take eight in the morning. I take a lot of meds. Once my psychiatrist calls in the increased dose for the Latuda, I will be just taking seven pills at night. I am having to take two Latuda pills because I still had half a bottle of the 40 mg dose and I didn’t want to waste them. These pills are expensive. I just hope I can afford them in January when I have to pay for my meds again until I meet my deductible. The psychiatrist is hoping that this medication helps my mood but it hasn’t done shit so far and I seem to be more depressed than not. I really think my celexa needs to be increased. I am only on the lowest dose right now. But the psychiatrist wanted to play with the Latuda first. Thankfully, I am not having any side effects other than changes in my bowels. I have been having softer stool since starting this medication, sometimes to the point of diarrhea. I never have a happy medium with my bowels. It is either hard or extremely soft. There is no in between.
I showered and am hurting
I decided to bite the bullet and shower as it has been almost a week since I last showered. It felt good to wash my hair but my back cramped up. I tried to hurry so that it would calm down. The worse was getting dressed as I was just hurting so much. I could barely move. I hate this. I can’t even enjoy a shower anymore. I took a Ativan as I already took some Zanaflex. Doc got back to me and increased the dose. It hasn’t made a difference. I am going to give it another few days and then let the doc know. I am supposed to take it three times a day and I have been taking it only twice a day. Most of the time it is hard to get that 3rd dose in. I hate three times a day dosing. I can remember to take it twice a day but that third time is always a killer.
I have been feeling really down. My thoughts have turn destructive. I texted my therapist what they were as I didn’t know what else to do. I told her I would listen to some country tunes (which I am doing now) and then read. I decided to blog first. It has been a while since I last read. I am reading two books and they are so different. One is the city of brass. It is a middle eastern book about fantasy. The other book is about the cold war with Ronald Reagan. The book is interesting but it is long and talks a lot about the Russian politics in play at the time.
Back keeps playing up as I am typing. I have been trying to stay hydrated but I am not that thirsty so it is hard. I just want to nap but I am not that tired. I had woken up a few times during the night. I woke up with the room hot so I had to put the AC on. Then I woke up because I was cold. I needed coffee so I got up and had a sandwich. I have been having fluffernutters, a sandwich with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. I love it. It is really good. I really want a cheeseburger from McDs but I can’t justify the cost of delivery for one burger. I might get an ice cream with it. It is still early for dinner.
My ankle was feeling weird in the shower. Sometimes the water annoys it. Now it is flared up and I am so down about this. My back and ankle hurting me is not a good combination. Maybe I will treat myself to McDs and get some nuggets, too. I just don’t want to make something to eat. I won’t be able to stand too long. I just hope the ankle pain settles down soon. I will take a BT med soon. I am so tired of taking pills all day. I never get a break from it. It depresses me so much. It really causes me to have dark thoughts. Thoughts these days have been floating around and haven’t let up much. I so want to act on the thoughts and sleep for a good 10 hours or so but I am scared that it might not go how I think it will. Pain makes it hard to think. Always hard to think. But always wrapped in emotions.
Anxiously awaiting the results of the election
It has been two days since the election and we are not closer to finding out who won. We think we might have a chance but it can go either way. I am so fricken nervous about this. I have purposely been on the minimum of reading Twitter. Facebook is a little lighter in content but I have a few friends that are posting about it and it gets me rattled. All we can do now is wait until all the votes are counted, which is an arduous task.
I didn’t have supper so I ordered some cheeseburgers from McD’s. I couldn’t finish the second one. I did have the chicken nuggets that I ordered. I always order chicken nuggets. I am a nugget freak.
Later today I hope to do some errands and empty my recycling as it has piled up. I have two big bags of stuff. I also need to take out my trash. I got to empty my bucket by the bed first as it is close to being full. Yesterday I had no energy to do anything as my back was in bad shape. I still haven’t heard from the docs about increasing the dose of Zanaflex. I hope to hear from my neuro today about it. She is very slow in communications.
I haven’t had a bowel movement in two days. I just took some magnesium for two reasons, 1 to help the spasms in my back and 2 for bowel management. I haven’t been taking them because they have been causing loose stool so I stopped it on my pcp’s advice. Now I can’t go to save my life. I took some Miralax so hopefully I will have a movement today. Sometimes it takes a few days though and then unexpectedly, I will have colon blow. Not a good thing to have when you don’t have control over loose stool.
We made a compromise in therapy. For the month of November, I get three weeks of talking about anything stupid thing I want to talk about. But there has to be one week where there is treatment involved. I agreed to this. She wanted to switch to every other week but then changed her mind. I think this will be a good thing and might help me to talk more in therapy.
I am tired. It is a little after 4 am. I woke up around 0230 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. Probably because I was hungry. When I go on my errand I want to buy a snickers bar. I have been craving one since Halloween. I usually have candy but this year my brother in law didn’t put it out because of Covid. I don’t think Halloween was allowed in our town.
I see my psychiatrist today. I got to ask him if he will be doing bloodwork because I am on the new antipsychotic. My weight hasn’t changed. If anything it has gone down instead of up but only because I haven’t had appetite lately. I hate to get my blood drawn but if I do I am going to ask for a CBC to check my blood count levels. If they are low that could be why I feel so tired all the time. I might need to take an iron supplement. But I rather have beet juice and carrots to build up my system. I think my sister has a juicer. I also want him to test me for diabetes as it has been a while since I was last checked. Hopefully he will listen to me and order the tests I would like. So far, I haven’t had too many side effects other than loose stool but that hasn’t happened over the last few days. I am back to being constipated.
My back is acting up again. I have been taking Ativan and Zanaflex to try and calm it down. Sometimes nothing works despite my efforts. Only thing I can do is lay down and rest, which sucks. I have to take a shower today as I smell again. Should be interesting as I wonder how many times I need to sit down before I am done showering. I got to shave, too. But I am thinking of using my electric shaver instead of the razor this time.