Tag Archives: writing

World Mental Health Day

This is going to be negative but I don’t care as it is my lived experience: I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 because I self-harmed. Seen a wide range of therapists from social workers to psychologists to psychiatrists. Most have ended treatment with me for various reasons. I am now on therapist number 14. First 6 months I didn’t think I was going to stay with him. He is a psychologist with supposed experience with trauma and suicidal ideation. He took me on knowing this. Now since the MeToo, I’ve been having intrusive memories. I tell him about it and he shrugs. Seriously? Why am I seeing you if you don’t know how to deal with trauma when you said you had training? I feel like the system has let me down, yet again.

Before I even saw him, I must have talked to at least 5 different therapists. None would take me on because of my suicidal history. I thought I could shove it aside and just have this guy because he returned my call and wanted to work with me. Now it is a year later and I am finding it so difficult to deal with him. I am once again looking for therapists and I am wondering why. I live in a large city. There shouldn’t be just 1 therapist in my 5 mile radius that deals with suicidal histories. Suicide is its own can of worms. I understand from a suicidologist standpoint. Not everyone is cut out to deal, it isn’t taught in school yada yada. I get it. But where is the compassion in therapy? Are too many good therapists burned out? Am I ever going to find someone to help me through suicidal crisis and chronic pain and all the other shit I deal with? Or is that too much because I don’t follow god or help myself?

Sox are ALDS Champs!!!!

Sox are ALDS Champs!!!!

OMG last night was a nail biter of a game. The ninth inning, I was chatting with two friends about it and then it turned almost into a disaster. I didn’t want them text/messaging me. I just wanted to focus because I wasn’t watching, I was listening to the radio. Typing and listening can be difficult. Kimbrel was almost struck in the head as he came out of the bullpen by a fucking Yankee fan with a can of beer. I am sure that rattled his nerves some and it showed. He loaded the bases and couldn’t get an out. He got one out, then a run scored. Then he walked a run. The score was 4-3 at this point and he needed one more out. I was at the point where I wasn’t going to have nails anymore. Ready to get the clipper out and just hack away (I don’t bite my nails as that is gross). I do pick at my cuticles, which is probably worse, but hey, this is a playoff game. He finally got the final out with a ground ball, which was reviewed and the call standed. Game over! Red Sox win!! I went crazy! I was so damn happy. I changed my wallpaper to the Sox instead of just black.

I couldn’t sleep as the tension was too much. Pain was there but not so great as it was the other night. Between 12-1230 am I thought someone set off firecrackers. Found out today that it was gun shots. No one knows who did it or where or if someone was shot. It was at the end of my street. My sister told me the police was going to our yard to look for casings. Just wonderful!!

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0330, again! I didn’t put the do not disturb on as I didn’t have anything to do today. I canceled therapy. I was going to call some therapists but I haven’t brought myself up to actually do it. The alarm went off and I took my meds and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I hear my doorbell ring but I thought my mother was home, not that she could go down the stairs but if she needed me to, I was there. I didn’t hear her call me and she didn’t call my phone so I just lay there. Then my sister called me and told me what happened. She called again asking me to bring her packages inside. I opened the door and there were four boxes on the porch. WTF. Two were for her and two were for my mother. I didn’t carry my mother’s up. They were light but I was just lazy. I needed coffee and something to eat.

I ended up eating the last of the chocolate cake with my coffee. I showered afterwards. My mother must have gone to a doctor’s appointment because the showerhead was on top not in the holder on the side (we have the flexible showerhead). She doesn’t like it but tough shit. She said she got water everywhere. I asked if she had the curtain covering the sides of the shower and the curtain inside. She said no. Well, there you go. She had also turned it to the side so no wonder the water leaked out. I know the shower flex thing we have is not going to last. She is going to find another showerhead and use that. But it has to be $20 or less because that is what it should be (SMH). I just hope she doesn’t put the damn basket she has back in the shower seat because I like actually sitting down while I need to shower. She just doesn’t get it that I am disabled, too. Though she will never think of herself as disabled. Pisses me off. I will take the damn basket and throw it away. I don’t care some of it is my stuff. I don’t want it on the seat.

Today is day 4 that I have been off female hormones. I haven’t shown signs of bleeding and I hope that I don’t. I think it will be a few more days before I know I am out of the woods or maybe a week. I hope that with my shot next week will boost up the T and decrease my stupid female stuff. I really don’t want my menses. They suck.

Loving Do Not Disturb Function

Loving Do Not Disturb function

I was up late, most from the exciting win of the Sox and then pain being stupid. I have no idea what time I fell asleep. I know it was after 0330. I had decided to put the Do Not Disturb on my phone as I didn’t want the med alarm to wake me up. I couldn’t fudge the time because it was too early in the morning and the app only allows you to adjust the time within an hour of it going off. So when I woke up at noon, it was too late to take my meds.

I wanted to make my pumpkin cake but it was humid and I didn’t want to turn on the oven. I had to go food shopping for my mother at a grocery store I don’t normally shop at. That meant taking a few buses to get there. I had some coffee and then realized I could take the other bus rather than the bus that goes to the Square. But when I figured this out, the bus was coming in like 7 minutes and I didn’t want to rush. I left around 1330 and didn’t get home till 1630. I had to stop at the pharmacy to get my meds that weren’t in yesterday.

My pain was okay today. I’ve just been taking the breakthrough med when I need it. It didn’t help that I rolled over a toe on my foot with the bag I was using when I got in the house. I didn’t bruise it, or at least the bruise hasn’t shown up yet. I hope it doesn’t. I had to have something to eat as I was starving. I fixed up a chicken sandwich and then had a piece of the chocolate cake I made the other day. It was still moist. It came out pretty good. I guess Betty Crocker is better than Duncan Hines. I never noticed a difference before.

Game 4 of the ALDS is tonight, in about 1.5 hours from now. I am nervous because Porcello is pitching and he can either be hit or miss. Holt isn’t playing tonight but I found out that is because he does really bad against the Skankee pitcher. I feel better knowing this because he had such a hot night last night. I just hope the Sox can have some hits and runs tonight like they did last night. I really don’t want them coming back to Boston to play another game. I want this to end with tonight’s game! Just to rub it in their face in the Bronx. But if it goes to game 5, it goes to game 5.

Early wake up so feeling like shit

Early wake up so feeling like shit

Yesterday I woke up early but I only slept for about 3-4 hours. I didn’t go to bed till around 4-430 am because pain was keeping me up. I kind of woke up okay. I had breakfast and coffee. Then I decided to make my mother her chocolate cake. I thought I would make my pumpkin cake after but never did. Once the chocolate cake came out of the oven, I was starting to get drowsy again despite having two cups of coffee. I took a nap and was done for the day.

I kind of woke up around 6pm. I had to eat something so decided to make a tuna sandwich. Pain was giving me grief. I am glad the Sox game wasn’t on. I wouldn’t have been able to stay up to watch it. I took my meds and then sort of waited for them to kick in. Around 9 or 10 I was getting more pain so took some Neurontin and an hour later, I was finally able to go back to sleep.

I woke up today around 5. I knew if I went back to sleep I would feel like shit afterwards but I was starting to feel tired an hour later. I took my morning meds and fixed it so the med alarm wouldn’t wake me up. I slept till around 10 or so. I still haven’t made my pumpkin cake. I had to go to the pharmacy to get my meds and because my mother distracted me, I refilled my meds for tomorrow rather than today. I was hoping they would fill it when I got there but they didn’t. One was out of stock. It takes a couple days to come in. Not sure if it will come in tomorrow or Wednesday. Last month it took three days to come in. So I will pick up the other meds when they are done and then go again to the store to pick up the out of stock one whenever it comes in.

It took a lot of energy to get to the store and back. I had to psyche myself up. I just had no energy and even now I feel like I need a nap. I am not making the cake. I just have no motivation for it. Maybe tomorrow. I also need to change my sheets as I got fricken chocolate cake on them. Have no idea how. They must have been on my pajamas and I didn’t know. I am so annoyed.

I bought some feminine products just in case I get my menses this week. I had a whole new package but slowly my sisters and niece used up my pads. I had to borrow money from my sister to get them. I haven’t decided if I am going to pay her back or not as she and her daughters used my pads! I got a little extra so I could get pizza later this week. That is all I care about. I hate being broke. Next month will be a little better as I won’t be playing catch up with my bills.

I am listening to the radio on the radio. I couldn’t be bothered with technology. The app I used kept on crashing. It was annoying me! Though the new updated FB app is worse than what it was before. New notifications don’t update, unless you click on an old notification. So damn stupid. I am almost done with the fucking thing. I wish I could say that Twitter was better but the political stuff is really upsetting me. On Friday, I muted accounts I was following for those kind of posts. I just can’t deal. I think I am going to continue to do that so I just have sports and cute animals showing, you know, how it was before the Orange Buffoon came into office.

Sox are tied with the Snakes. I am hoping to just listen to the game though they have an analyst that annoys me and when the broadcaster goes with him, I have no idea what the fuck is going on with the game. I had to shut the radio off when the snakes scored a grand slam, which I had no idea the bases were full. I have been having problems with the broadcaster all season. I finally realized that he tries to be an analyst and that is why I lose track in what is going on. I am not watching the game so it not like they can continue to talk about shit rather than the play by play. That is the whole fucking point of radio, a play by play. I might complain to the radio station because he is horrible. Hope I can tolerate tonight because my foot is bothering me so I won’t be able to watch and the TBS announcers are so far up Snakes butt it isn’t funny. Just horrible!

Painful Saturday Blog 29 Sept 18

Painful Saturday blog 29 Sept 18

I woke up before 8 as bladder said so. I went and when I came back to my room and in my bed, my foot exploded. I took my morning pain meds. I waited a half hour and the pain didn’t calm down, I took a breakthrough med. There wasn’t a hell of a lot that I needed to do today but having pain that early in the morning was not good. The pharmacy wasn’t going to be open till 10. That gave it some time to settle down.

I made breakfast. I was going to make scrambled eggs and make it into a burrito. However, soon as I put the butter in the pan to melt, I forgot the scrambled part so had country style eggs. I put cheese in it and on the burrito tortilla. I barely finished it. It always makes me so full. I decided to make coffee. I ended up spilling it on myself. I went to take a sip and I tipped my cup before it reached my lips. Oops! So after I finished the coffee, I decided to shave and shower. My back didn’t like it. By the time I was finished shaving, I had to sit down. Whatever my brother in law did to the water control changed the hot/cold settings. I had it on half way and the water was warm so I moved it over a little bit more to get hotter water. I hate when it touches things because he always fucks things up.

Showering was fun as I had to sit down every 3 minutes or so. It wasn’t just my lower back that was hurting, my upper back was also cramping. I have no idea why this is happening. I hope when I go to the pain program they can figure out why this happens. I went upstairs and got dressed. I didn’t put my PJs on as it was after 10 and I needed to go to the pharmacy. I rested for a bit. Then I didn’t know what to wear, jeans or shorts. It was 65 degrees out so I opted for shorts. I was glad because I was halfway down the block before I realized I forgot my scripts at home. Do’h! I was sweating by the time I walked back to the pharmacy. I have no idea why I was sweating so much. It wasn’t really hot out or hot in the store. I guess the exertion of walking just makes me sweat, I don’t know. I had my cane with me because I didn’t want to wear my air cast for my sprain.

I came home and thought I would need another shower. I took off my shirt and it was soaked. I dried off and just rested. I wasn’t in too much pain. The pain meds were working. Around 1230, I got hungry again so made some bacon. I always use at least a quarter pound when I make my sandwich. I love bacon. And this time I didn’t get a pound of fat like I did last delivery. This was decent cut.

I came back to my room and my foot again flared up. It was about 4 hours after I took my meds. I waited to see if rest would calm it down. Twenty minutes later I was still hurting so I took another BT med. While I was waiting for it to work, I was reading Twitter. The game was on but it was on Fox and I hate that network. I didn’t feel like listening so just read Twitter. I read a thread about how an author who wrote about a princess hero keeps getting asked by educators, librarians, and parents when she will write a book about a boy hero. Her response is that there shouldn’t be a gender associated with a book and there are boys that like this book. But in the adult world, they hate to see that so make the assumption a boy hero is needed. It got me thinking about my books and why they are not selling well, if at all. I came up with this thread (a thread is a string of tweets that relate to what the Twitter writer strings together):

I was reading a thread about an author who wrote a princess hero and teachers/librarians/booksellers kept asking questions about when the author would write something for boys. The author said that the book was a book not a gender type thing. It got me thinking of my books. They haven’t been best sellers and I know part of it is that I need to promote them more. But family members have asked me to write happier books. I am not a happy person. I write the darkness that is inside of me. Some people can relate but most judge a book by its cover. It deals with #mentalillness, forget not touching it. It deals w #suicide not touching it. Why are things so scary for people to read? I share my pain so others can possibly understand and know they aren’t alone. I let the darkness out so it doesn’t stay inside to eat me up. Yes what I write can be scary to others. I guess I can relate to the author but on a different level.